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SthrnCom4t -> RE: Submission = loss of identity? (8/21/2010 10:52:09 AM)
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I came to power exchange from the s-side of the kneel. I can appreciate the dilemma of the OP's submissive. There can be real fear if you close yourself in a box of 'being exactly what He/She wants'.
In the past 14 years, I've evolved to realize that in fact, I am much more comfortable in the D-side of the kneel. Power exchange is just that, 'exchange,' so while we use terms like Top & bottom, you can also view it as a lateral dynamic. Part of being compatible relies on the Dominant wanting to control, as much as the submissive wants to submit. If there is a large discrepancy, it get's rocky.
As many have said before, the idea of a robot, is dissatisfying. The idea of being with an individual who thrives on enhancing my life is greatly appealing.
OP, perhaps some mental exercises are in order? Some people have not gotten to a place of self-awareness, and therefore, have a harder time figuring out what their own motivations are. If the person is willing, this can be most fun for all involved. Not knowing your submissive friend's background, I leave it to you if this would be helpful or hurtful.
As a submissive, I once participated in a scene that went like this.....
I was upright, hands bound, and blindfolded. My Dominant partner was loving and gentle with lots of touch. This created an open connection. Then slowly ramping up, He began some percussion type sensations on my chest, on my arms, on my back. A mild slap to the face, then a little harder. Not enough to illicit a defensive response, just enough to get my attention. Then He started the game of having me give him feedback via the alphabet. Starting with the letter A, something I liked about myself, and something I didn't like about myself. All the while, frequently, but not any particular rhythm, he would hit me. Not painfully, but enough to scramble my brain between the sensations and trying to think intelligently. When I was accurate (as opposed to just coming up with a word because it feel within the definition of beginning with the right letter), he would reward me with a kiss or stimulating caress. At the end he asked for 5 things I wanted to improve about myself and 5 things I liked about myself.
It was a very intense scenario that brought forth the tears.....and brought us very close together energetically. We did this in the corner of a dungeon play party, at a BDSM event in Chicago 10 years ago. It was also, on a soul-searching level, very stimulating to my personal development.
OP, finding out where your friend is coming from and his perspective, will help you guide him. (if he is willing to be guided)
A relationship dynamic is completely defined by the perspectives of those involved. The question of 'who is serving who', etc., can be manipulated by a bit of discussion, or certain semantics. If you feel he is worth it, you can figure out his motivations.This may mean teaching him to look within, analyze and share his discoveries.While his sense of worth/identity must come from within, you can attempt to steer him to the realization of how it can be compatible in enhancing a common vision.
I like leadership527's example of carol's analogy: Ryker to Picard.
My perfect submissive partner and I fit together because I inspire him by providing an environment where he can thrive. In turn, his natural inclination to serve and make me happy influences My desire to 'feed' him even more. We are spiritually connected in our devotion to each other's happiness.
Find out what feeds his soul, and if it feeds you to create such a situation it's a win. If what you have to offer, is valuable to him, then you have the option of making it available, or not. (and vice versa)
Good luck.
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