Trying to transition the D/s into our relationship

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Trying to transition the D/s into our relationship - 4/29/2009 8:21:37 PM

Darkata

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Joined: 1/3/2009
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I'm trying to gain some perspective from the sub side of things. A brief history may be in order to gain the full scope.

I met my sub here on collar me so if she stumbles across it STOP reading pet ( yes you bella!), I want other opinions on this matter.

We have been playing for 3 months and from my side of the kneel the play sessions have been very enjoyable, and I have learned much in a short time, she is a good sub. From her AAR's things seem to be progressing positively for her as well. The problem is the three month hurdle and an unfamiliarity for both of us in pushing the relationships through this three month hurdle , and further defining our relationships in a out of scene and public world. We have gone out on vanilla dates and we actually mesh well in both environments.

Now to my question. What I'm specifically looking for is solid ideas for bringing our D/s lifestyle into our day to day relationship. I have already established that the both of us would like to pursue relationship with significant D/s undertones in day to day life. My problem is that while I feel natural and comfortable “in scene” I'm not 100% sure what rings as “Dominate” in vanilla relationships or more exactly what “feels” domineering to a sub in an “out of scene” environment. Guiding her by the lower back? got it ... holding her wrist rather then her hand ? sure... Indicating where she should sit when we go out to dinner? Yes thats all natural. I'm looking for signals your Doms may use to indicate displeasure in public (yes the “look”, any more subtle signal suggestions for minor annoyances?). Also suggestions regarding Serving “in scene” scenarios, I would like to have a session specifically trying to help her identify and establish the Bf/gf- D/s bridge she seems to be having difficulties with. example: a specific sitting posture with wrists crossed ...

subs, what types of things make you feel submissive in a public environment ? And are there any suggestions on in scene servitude that may help bridge a D/s / public relationship gap?
All suggestions welcome

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RE: Trying to transition the D/s into our relationship - 4/29/2009 11:17:21 PM

DesFIP

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Personally I think that being led by the wrist instead of the hand routine is just silly and artificially contrived. If the dominant wants to hold his sub's hand, then why the hell shouldn't he?

What do you want? Do you want her to open doors for you and pull out your chair or do you want her to be a beloved pet whom you open doors for and seat? Do you want to do the ordering or would you rather she did it? Do you want to make the decision in the grocery store about what to have for dinner or would you prefer not being bothered?

But if you're doing things simply because someone else tells you to, then you aren't being the leader in your own relationship and the true dominant is the one who tells you what to do.

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RE: Trying to transition the D/s into our relationship - 4/30/2009 5:12:58 AM

chamberqueen

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Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
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As a sub, what makes me feel dominated are NOT signs of displeasure. You could incorporate things like she is not to take a sip of water at dinner until you have first taken one, you could have her tell you what she wants from the menu but tell her she is not to speak to the waiter/waitress herself but you will do the communicating for her, she could have to ask permission to go to the bathroom, etc. A simple sign of displeasure could be shown in clearing your throat, though I know that I personally respond to the positive much more quickly than to the negative. You could choose her clothing, or at least style of it, before you go out. There are many things that can be incorporated that will remind her that you are in control without you ever having to do anything to show that there may be an impending punishment coming.

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RE: Trying to transition the D/s into our relationship - 4/30/2009 6:32:14 AM

WonderNotWander

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What do -you- want to have control of in her life?

Do you want her to sit at your feet, on the floor, while watching tv together?

Do you want her to await your command to begin eating?

Do you expect her to get your approval before buying new clothes?

Do you want to have control of the household finances?

Do you want her to take out the trash every night?

Do you want her to walk behind you when out in public?

Do you want her to have your morning coffee ready & waiting for you, or should she wait til you've been awake first?

It's all about what you & she want to have happen. Think about your daily routines and see where & how you want them to be modified. There's no rules, no standards you have to measure up to. Think of ways that will impact and enhance your relationship for the both of you. Maybe talk to her, see what ideas she has. Or give her the ok to initiate some of her ideas and see if you both agree with and enjoy them.

Edit: I should add some of the things I do for my Husband...

I always get his coffee for him & refill it without being asked.

I defer to him on matters of finances.

He always get his dinner plate before I get mine.

I usually do walk behind him when out.

It's his choice what we do when we're actually UM-less (rare thing that is!)

I do -all- the housework: Laundry, dishes, mopping, trash taking out, etc.

I usually sit at his feet

I serve him his food when we're at family functions, most the time.

Just some ideas. But most importantly, look at your lives, and find ways to enhance it that work for you both.

< Message edited by WonderNotWander -- 4/30/2009 6:35:22 AM >

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RE: Trying to transition the D/s into our relationship - 4/30/2009 8:07:59 AM

Mercnbeth

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quote:

...subs, what types of things make you feel submissive in a public environment?...

this slave is one of those that doesn't "feel" submission...in or out of a public environment. submissive is what this slave is and does through service to Master, it isn't a sensation that she gets from an activity or particular headspace.

obedience to Him is mostly intangible to others...as they don't know what His instructions for His slave are for any particular venue. this slave follows His lead, even if it is an "invisible" leash, by focusing on what His desires are and how He wants her to respond when others are present.

minor annoyances are discussed in private...if this slave is doing something in public or private that meets with His displeasure He will simply say "stop".
it works for us...and in no way is this slave advocating it as dogma for all.

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RE: Trying to transition the D/s into our relationship - 4/30/2009 8:25:51 AM

RCdc

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Doing things for the sake of doing them, feels contrived to me. But then I am someone who doesn't need specific occurances or protocols to be in submission or to 'remind me of my place'. I am Darcy's and that is all I have to know. I have never had 'a look' because I do not do things to displease him - in fact that is out of the question anyway - he wouldn't tolerate it but then we are bit further down the line than 3 months. I believe that you need to be comfortable in the private moments of your Ds time before you can start even the first feelings of comfort in everyday environments. Once she is totally secure in her relationship with you, the rest pretty much comes naturally.

If you are into protocols or rituals like you mentioned, then they help. But to be reminded of submission or to be reminded I might be doing something wrong is icky to me. Most people do not do well spending time mulling over something they have done wrong when out - it sets people on edge - not just her or you, but those around you get the fallout whether you try to hide it or not. Work on her behaviour and what you expect of her before you go out.

Other than that, I just revel in the fact that Darcy is pretty much in control of an outing or evening out. He decides the timings, the journey, the travel and takes command of discussions. But then, he isn't a wallflower and is a pretty confident person. He is also a gentleman. In crowds, he goes first, making the way. Doors opened, chairs pulled out and pushed in or leading me into a room so I enter first but guided by his hand is pretty standard. These are all acceptable in everyday life.

the.dark.

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RE: Trying to transition the D/s into our relationship - 4/30/2009 5:23:32 PM

leadership527

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When you are not "in scene", then you are in "real life". That means your dominance is going to be expressed in the form of commands like, "Pay those bills this evening." and "tonight I want you to spend the evening reading and sipping wine." When you take it out of the bedroom, now you have to think about what it means to truly own another human... how are you going to ensure they are nurtured and fed? What things do they need to be happy? etc.

Insofar as the whole "look" thing. I haven't found myself needing much of anything like that. Carol pretty much just always obeys me. If we have some sort of miscommunication in public, then it's just that, a miscommunication. If it can be handled discretely on the spot, fine. If not, it can wait.

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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: Trying to transition the D/s into our relationship - 4/30/2009 8:59:01 PM

Darkata

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Thank you all for your input. There is some very useful suggestions/information but more of validation it seems, we have incorporated many of the suggestions previously, and it seems to be unrolling as we progress quit naturally.
Thanks again all..

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RE: Trying to transition the D/s into our relationship - 5/1/2009 1:52:07 PM

ranja

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Quite some things sound a bit contrived to me...but here's some of the things we do...
my Husband holds my hand... and i walk at His speed
He is in charge and we both know this so it naturally comes across to others aswell.
He always handles the money...
if He goes grocery shopping with me He will never 'help' to put the groceries in the bags but watches me keep up with the till person and then He pays.
If He takes me 'toy' shopping He will have me carry the 'toys'
He drives
At parties i make sure He has food and drink
I take His boots off after work regardless of visitors we might have.
I answer the door and I answer the phone...so i deal with any cold callers or un wanted visitors yuck.
I do all the cooking and the cleaning and the washing and the making coffee and i wear an apron while i'm at it.
I groom Him, wet shave and cut His hair and nails
My hair is not to be cut and not to be worn lose outside the house

you've hit a three month barrier or something? you will hit several more and some are really hard and awful...good luck

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