How to keep the 'new' sub / slave from feeling totally used....?

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How to keep the 'new' sub / slave from feeling totally ... - 2/3/2006 5:19:24 AM

Pentagod

Posts: 10
Joined: 12/28/2005
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Background: I have currently collared my first live in slave that I have known for a little over nine months. This is her first step into the scene and my first complete 'ownership' to the point of 100%.

I am facing a lightly concerning issue of having feelings for a new slave that I just collared. That being said, I am hearing they are feeling used. I am not sure how to combat my feelings as a protector / guardian and maintaining the slave contract. I KNOW they need / want to be a slave as it is clearly a HUGE change for them for the better by their own request. They have stressed a LOT over their finances, living arrangements, and family for ever. I have stabilized them financially I have taken away their need to work or be dependant. They can live completely free of their own responsibilities as everything they need has been set up for them (hair dresser, groceries, ECT.). They even maintain a job to save money so they can be completely financially secure. * I have to admit that is my doing as I feel that when they have money saved up in the bank, it will build a sense of confidence.

I am sure there are several of you subs / slaves who have been taken in under the wing with a TPE and in the beginning you may not know how to accept a total 'ownership'. How did you keep yourself clear of 'feeling used' or how did your Dom react to your feeling that way?

I am to understand that as a slave they are completely bound to serve. The slave even requested this and begged for a collar. I am not sure how this dichotomy came up, but I need to address it and my feelings are partly getting in the way. I am trying to be understanding without forced compromise.

Advice please... (I am new to CollarMe so I am not sure if this should go to ask a Master, but maybe)

-Penta

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RE: How to keep the 'new' sub / slave from feeling tota... - 2/3/2006 6:31:52 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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I'm confused by your usage of the plural pronoun, but I think I get it.

First off, why aren't you asking the slave why/how she's feeling used? What exactly is the arrangement between the live in and the other chick?

Are you concerned that you have feelings? Or are you concerned that she feels used? Or both?

Why did you choose to do all this for the other person? What did you want to have as the ultimate goal? What is your ultimate goal with your live in slave? Is this new relationship helping or not helping that?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Pentagod)

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RE: How to keep the 'new' sub / slave from feeling tota... - 2/3/2006 6:39:27 AM

IceyOne

Posts: 258
Joined: 1/13/2006
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quote:

I am facing a lightly concerning issue of having feelings for a new slave that I just collared

What kind of feelings? Falling in love? or?

quote:

I am hearing they are feeling used.

They? As in more than one? And how exactly are they feeling used?

Sorry, but I am just not understanding exactly what your problem is.

_____________________________

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

-Rumi

(in reply to Pentagod)

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RE: How to keep the 'new' sub / slave from feeling tota... - 2/3/2006 7:00:47 AM

fastlane

Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline

I think I know what you are saying and I have the answer you seek.
She's a slave, so if she doesn't like it, sell her Ass!

Seriously, you two sound like you are in love....congrats, that's awesome! A Master/slave relationship is a role in which she turns over to you Total Power Exchange. You control her and she is there to serve you. However, (Don't you hate that word?..me to!)
There must always be communication, understanding and trust, between the both of you. If she feels she is being used, but not in ways that meet her expectations and desires, then there is a problem and you need to listen to her. Once you understand her problem, needs, insecurities, adapt to the change......then whip her ass!

Peace, Kevin

(in reply to IceyOne)

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RE: How to keep the 'new' sub / slave from feeling tota... - 2/3/2006 9:12:52 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

How did you keep yourself clear of 'feeling used'

by doing a TON of self analysis and discovery, intensively purposefully single for 3 years straight while this slave figured out what sort of dynamic she would be willing to commit to long term--in other words, taking inventory and active responsibility and above all, taking it SERIOUSLY.

quote:

I am hearing they are feeling used.

direct from their mouths or are you "hearing" this from a third party source?

quote:

I am to understand that as a slave they are completely bound to serve. The slave even requested this and begged for a collar

some folk can't get past the feeling that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

some make bad choices for themselves and get in over their heads and then look for someone else to blame.

you know "them" better than we do as to what they are feeling and why, don't you?

(in reply to Pentagod)

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RE: How to keep the 'new' sub / slave from feeling tota... - 2/3/2006 10:02:29 AM

PenelopePitstop

Posts: 254
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: UK
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I feel used when a person doesn't share their feelings with me. As someone above has said: are you communicating well?

Also a person is prone to saying they feel used when they perceive that one person is getting more from a partnership than they are. But again this depends on you actually being told what it is they think they are not getting: couldn't agree with the above posters more.

I prescribe more talking and holding off on the physical/mental instensity for a while.

However, I find it odd that a sub would find being used a bad thing.lol. I guess it depends on how you define it.

_____________________________

Wickedness is a myth created by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others ~ Oscar Wilde

"You had me at Goodbye"

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

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RE: How to keep the 'new' sub / slave from feeling tota... - 2/3/2006 10:41:45 AM

Pentagod

Posts: 10
Joined: 12/28/2005
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Hello all,
We did discuss it all and it is just that it is such a change. I am hosting only one slave right now and we did talk it out. After the discussion it was clear that it was some miscommunication on both parts. Interestingly all of you guys posts hit one or more of the points we discussed.

a) We are in love (this is a first time for me to 'host' a slave that I have this strong of feelings for.
b) I did ask, but the initial reply was nothing so I was very put off. Naturally rather than lose my cool, I sought out advice. I am no saint, but I try to not be insensitive either.
c) After hearing her initial complaint, I asked “Do you feel like you are being used? “To which she replied “Yes".
d) I chose to do this because I can see being with her for a long time. She has been a spoiled brat in the past that just runs over guys that bow to her will. She tells me about this when I first met her. She willfully asked for me to 'take' her if I would. She is extremely pretty and intelligent. (And 12 years younger than me). She had been watching me for a long time and knew me through a joint friend. I gave her a test of self sufficiency (Which she passed) and I kept my end of it all by taking her in.
e) LuckyAlbatross, I apologize for not being clearer. I appreciate your reply. There is only one slave involved.
f) As for selling her ass... it is possible that if this relationship doesn't work out. :) We have a contract for three months and that should be enough to see if this lifestyle will work out. She is used to a lot of back-home back woods boys falling over themselves to please her and she comes from a well to do family so she is a prize pick from the woods (so to speak). She is now in 'the big city' and I am her 'Phantom of the Opera'. Life has changed for her and I just became her benefactor as a means to meet my needs.
g) Fastlane - I did listen and she made it clear what the issue was. I misread her and her 'feeling used' a little. We both had miss communicated. The best thing about this relationship (although it is just starting) is that it makes it very easy to communicate.

I do know her better than you guys do and I think I was just confused since this is the first slave I have had a personal investment and feelings for. It is a fine line between being the sensitive caring Master and listening to whining. CollarMe has at least made it clear (in all the posts I have read) that a D/s relationship is still a relationship and this dynamic is just a little different.

I need to look into some books on how to be a 'hard but fair' master. My background has hardened me a little and I don't want to lose her by being too insensitive.

(Damn I sound so sappy)

Where is that whip...? (Are you a switch when you wanna whip your own ass?)

-Penta

(in reply to Pentagod)

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RE: How to keep the 'new' sub / slave from feeling tota... - 2/3/2006 10:49:11 AM

Pentagod

Posts: 10
Joined: 12/28/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: PenelopePitstop

I feel used when a person doesn't share their feelings with me. As someone above has said: are you communicating well?

Also a person is prone to saying they feel used when they perceive that one person is getting more from a partnership than they are. But again this depends on you actually being told what it is they think they are not getting: couldn't agree with the above posters more.

I prescribe more talking and holding off on the physical/mental instensity for a while.

However, I find it odd that a sub would find being used a bad thing.lol. I guess it depends on how you define it.

We had not been as open as we should have. Our initial responsed are insensitivity on my part and disrespect on her part. I halted it when I saw the downward spiral.

I wasn't being told what the problem was in the beginning. I let it go and went to the gym. When I got back they were a little upset and I was not ready to talk about it. * My gym workouts are fairly intense and all I want after one in a nice shower. I didn't try to talk then.

When I got out, I was given what the problem was and we cleared it up post haste. I am glad to see you say the part about holding off on the physical / mental insensitivity. That is what I did.

She did enjoy getting 'used' after we cleared everything up. I think it was me being all amped up from the gym and smelling like the sauna soap.

That or the new collar-behind the back-wrist restraints. :)

-Penta

(in reply to PenelopePitstop)

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RE: How to keep the 'new' sub / slave from feeling tota... - 2/3/2006 10:52:42 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Pentagod
b) I did ask, but the initial reply was nothing so I was very put off. Naturally rather than lose my cool, I sought out advice. I am no saint, but I try to not be insensitive either.

Why didn't you naturally tell her that she was obviously full of shit, don't play passive aggressive games and lie to your face and she better either come out with it or deal?

You could have phrased it gentler if you wanted, but that's pretty much what she's doing.

quote:

c) After hearing her initial complaint, I asked “Do you feel like you are being used? “To which she replied “Yes".

quote:

I gave her a test of self sufficiency (Which she passed) and I kept my end of it all by taking her in.

Seems a bit too "gamish" to me really. But I understand that you are together and you do want to make this work. She IS young, she's going through a lot of changes and life stages faster than you are and you have to step back and let her go through them to a certain degree.

Did you think she might just be clinging to you and projecting her ideals of a male authority figure onto you? Now that the initial new relationship energy is wearing off and she's having to deal with the not so fun times, she's trying to push you into giving her more/different/fun. And you aren't teacher her how to communicate honestly and fully.

quote:

The best thing about this relationship (although it is just starting) is that it makes it very easy to communicate.

No, it doesn't.

I'm not sure- it sounds like you're saying "I thought it was an issue, but it's all gone now"?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Pentagod)

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RE: How to keep the 'new' sub / slave from feeling tota... - 2/3/2006 12:08:47 PM

Pentagod

Posts: 10
Joined: 12/28/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: Pentagod
b) I did ask, but the initial reply was nothing so I was very put off. Naturally rather than lose my cool, I sought out advice. I am no saint, but I try to not be insensitive either.

Why didn't you naturally tell her that she was obviously full of shit, don't play passive aggressive games and lie to your face and she better either come out with it or deal?

You could have phrased it gentler if you wanted, but that's pretty much what she's doing.

Penta: I agree. This is when I left the situation and thought about it before passing judgement. I did leave her in a bit of a lurch becasue she knew I was upset.

quote:

c) After hearing her initial complaint, I asked “Do you feel like you are being used? “To which she replied “Yes".

And what? That's it? You didn't ask how? You didn't ask for specific examples? This should have been the tip of the ice berg. There's a mountain of other things to go through here. You've got a block, now you both work together to go through it as master and slave.

Penta: We did. It is not completely resolved, but the particular situation cleared up a lot once we started talking about it.

quote:

I gave her a test of self sufficiency (Which she passed) and I kept my end of it all by taking her in.

Seems a bit too "gamish" to me really. But I understand that you are together and you do want to make this work. She IS young, she's going through a lot of changes and life stages faster than you are and you have to step back and let her go through them to a certain degree.

Penta: I have to admit that I have seen different girls go through these changes also. She is the first true submissive / slave that I have met like this. She has been so dependant on others her whole life that I wanted her to know she could make it on her on. She has never had to do that. I am also not wanting to pick up a dependant. (* at least not in a girlfriend. ) It is double work as I have feelings to consider and mentoring to do.

quote:

Did you think she might just be clinging to you and projecting her ideals of a male authority figure onto you? Now that the initial new relationship energy is wearing off and she's having to deal with the not so fun times, she's trying to push you into giving her more/different/fun. And you aren't teacher her how to communicate honestly and fully.

Penta: I have to admit I am not the best teacher when it comes to relationship communication. I think that I am the closest thing to 'daddy' that she has ever seen. I am an authoritative male. As her master I am not sure daddy is a bad role to have since it is a place of authority. One thing I know about is several of her past relationships have been with jealous guys and they were controlling ( I believe ). As for the D/s thing, I brought it up as I thought it would help to have more clearly defined roles. I have been giving her lists of things to do for some time now and she is all but estatic to do the houshold chores. After seeing that it started evolving to more of a slave relationship. She says it gives her a sense of accomplishement to complete the tasks I set out for her.

quote:

The best thing about this relationship (although it is just starting) is that it makes it very easy to communicate.

No, it doesn't.

Penta: Do you feel a D/s relationship is no different than a vanilla relationship when it comes to communication and that it is only the people involved that make the difference? I would think that the roles being more defined and the expectations being clear would help with any ambiguity of each others roles. Am I just looking at this wrong?

quote:

I'm not sure- it sounds like you're saying "I thought it was an issue, but it's all gone now"?

Penta: THAT issue is. It is not all the way clear though. I am not sure the passive agressive thing is cleared up. I will have to work on that.

-Penta
( Thanks for the reply. You have a pretty logical way of looking at things. )

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

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RE: How to keep the 'new' sub / slave from feeling tota... - 2/3/2006 1:12:36 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Pentagod
Penta: I agree. This is when I left the situation and thought about it before passing judgement. I did leave her in a bit of a lurch becasue she knew I was upset.

But mostly upset due to her own making. Leaving the situation to give her time to stew and think of it might have been best- as long as you come back to it and make her understand that next time a lie like that won't be tolerated (and then follow it up if she does it again)

quote:

Penta: We did. It is not completely resolved, but the particular situation cleared up a lot once we started talking about it.

Good to hear. Care to give details so perhaps others with the same problem can learn from the experience?

quote:

Penta: I have to admit that I have seen different girls go through these changes also. She is the first true submissive / slave that I have met like this. She has been so dependant on others her whole life that I wanted her to know she could make it on her on. She has never had to do that. I am also not wanting to pick up a dependant. (* at least not in a girlfriend. ) It is double work as I have feelings to consider and mentoring to do.

It is a fine balance between "be independent/be dependent on me"

Perhaps this mindset will help you both- make it her point in life to become useful to you. This means "what if you had to go away for 2 months on business?" How would she handle things? How can she make herself useful in all areas of your life so that you do not have to be stressed or concerned with anything? Paying the bills? SHopping? Cleaning? Organizing? Keeping things in order? Making plans? All of those are necessary life skills.

quote:

As her master I am not sure daddy is a bad role to have since it is a place of authority.

It's not, but don't confuse daddy/master with therapist. She sexualizes men, she sexualizes authority figures. This has advantages and disadvantages. You have to teach her how to deal with RELATIONSHIPS, not just sex.

quote:

One thing I know about is several of her past relationships have been with jealous guys and they were controlling ( I believe ).

Which she probably enjoyed to a certain degree- there's a reason she was attracted to them and got involved with them repeatedly after all.

quote:

As for the D/s thing, I brought it up as I thought it would help to have more clearly defined roles.

Putting labels on things doesn't really change anyone's skill level.

quote:

I have been giving her lists of things to do for some time now and she is all but estatic to do the houshold chores. After seeing that it started evolving to more of a slave relationship. She says it gives her a sense of accomplishement to complete the tasks I set out for her.

But are your tasks teaching her to do anything except follow lists of rules?

Granted following lists of rules is a good skill for a service submissive to have. But it's only one of other many important skills for a useful lifetime committed slave.

This might help you some: Tasks from the Top: An Essay

quote:

Penta: Do you feel a D/s relationship is no different than a vanilla relationship when it comes to communication and that it is only the people involved that make the difference?

I feel there is no difference when it comes to people having good communication skills or not.

quote:

I would think that the roles being more defined and the expectations being clear would help with any ambiguity of each others roles. Am I just looking at this wrong?

One of the Big Myths of wiitwd is that "If I say I'm a dom and you're a sub and we agree to be in a Ds relationship with eachother, then we'll be better at communicating"

Ummm no.

Now, in THEORY, when one person completely understands their role, their flow, when the OTHER person completely understands their role, their flow, and when BOTH PEOPLE understand how to flow together, then communication will become a breezy easy beautiful cover girl kind of task.

I can say when all the variables are in place, communication snafus do lessen and the overall process becomes much more smooth.

Unfortunately simply saying "I'm a dom, you're a sub, we're Ds together" really doesn't help anyone learn and understand their role, in THAT specific relationship and certainly not in RELATION to eachother.

Look at your own posts- this is an entirely new situation for you, new emotions, new processes, new roles completely. You aren't even sure of what your role is and how to act within your dynamic.

And this is a completely new situation for her, in a completely new stage of her life.

Neither of you really is settled yet in what your roles are (and no, I'm NOT suggesting that being dom or sub "is a role" as in something that you put on and off) and even more this entire relationship is VERY NEW. You aren't anywhere close to knowing how to interact with eachother on a consistent and open basis.

The only thing that really makes for good communication is time and work. That's true no matter what relationship you are in.

quote:

Penta: THAT issue is. It is not all the way clear though. I am not sure the passive agressive thing is cleared up. I will have to work on that.

It's a common issue for new subs. We really can be such control freaks- so afraid even when we're told not to be, even when we say we aren't.

quote:

( Thanks for the reply. You have a pretty logical way of looking at things. )

I try :)

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Pentagod)

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