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RE: When to mention a disability - 5/2/2009 9:12:02 PM

sweetsub1957

Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline

If i think there is any real chance of anything happening with a Person, i will tell Him that i'm bipolar. He can do what He wants with that information, but i know i have been honest with Him and i will answer honestly any questions He has about it. If it's a deal breaker, well then it is, and it's better to know sooner than later. i'm for being right upfront about these things.

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In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to RealSub58)

Post #: 21

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/2/2009 10:15:11 PM

SlaveBlutarsky

Posts: 491
Joined: 10/10/2005
From: Upstate, NY
Status: offline

I have somewhat of a disability that I usually divulge pretty quickly. It's something that i don't let get in my way or anything like that, but it's also heritary, so I like to let people know that the possibility exists if there's ever a family involved, they my wind up with it. Some women have said 'gtfo' while most have been understanding and cool about it.

Once you know you want something with someone, it's a good time, that way you get it on the table before anything goes too far.

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Strong for all, weak for one

(in reply to RealSub58)

Post #: 22

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/2/2009 11:29:29 PM

Linanna

Posts: 1
Joined: 4/14/2009
Status: offline

I don't feel your disclosure of any disability should factor in the first couple of emails...or even phone calls.

I have had the experience of talking to a dom for a couple of weeks steadily, with him talking about how he was very into whipping, flogging, etc... Until he finally got around to mentioning that he was paralyzed on his left side. In his case making such assertions almost impossible ( I am not into permanant damage :) It was not his disability that made me choose to stop talking to him, but his lack of understanding in matters of dealing with my fears (as a new member to BDSM).

As long as you know your limits and make sure reality is a major part of your communication--ie not promising that you are bad ass at knifeplay...the springing it on someone--I see no reason to divulge that information until there looks to be a chance of more involvement than just emails or phone calls.

It is just my opinion, and I wish you all the best,
Linanna

< Message edited by Linanna -- 5/2/2009 11:31:48 PM >

(in reply to SlaveBlutarsky)

Post #: 23

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/3/2009 4:13:08 AM

Apocalypso

Posts: 1104
Joined: 4/20/2009
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Thank you to everyone who's contributed to this. It's been incredibly helpful and given me a lot of food for thought.

Just to clarify a few points I think I was a bit unclear on.

This is only a query for me when its still very much at the "getting to know each other as people" stage. If it looks like it might progress from that, I make sure to mention it. In particular, I absolutely wouldn't play with someone without mentioning it beforehand. I completely agree that not doing so would be both unfair and irresponsible of me.

I'm not actually interested in casual play, which I think is probably a good thing in this context. Also, I tend to lean more heavily towards the psychological side of D/s as opposed to the more full on S&M activities. So, thankfully, my personal kink allows me to play to my strengths and avoid at least some of my weaknesses. Realistically, I wouldn't actually be compatible with someone who is into recieving a lot of pain, even if I didn't have dyspraxia.

To answer Focus' point about the Internet, I totally get where you're coming from. While I obviously do use the net to meet people, in terms of possible relationships I very much see it as a way of making initial contact with people I might not have otherwise come across and no more. It's a prelude to meeting people in the flesh for me, not a replacement for it.

Thanks again everyone!

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As revealed to Saint John the Divine.

(in reply to Linanna)

Post #: 24

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/3/2009 4:47:17 AM

Bella1965

Posts: 285
Joined: 12/12/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline

G'morning all:

Anything less than full disclosure from the onset is dishonesty. The trick is to accomplish your objective with tact. Non-communicable conditions may be described as; "I have a physical impediment which makes certain forms of play a challenge. Inquire within." If you wish to not be defined by your situation, include it at the end of your profile. This should guarantee someone has perused you thoroughly. Infectious diseases are another matter entirely. Failing to provide this revelation is an instant deal breaker. No matter how cute their butt is.

Waiting to establish commonality and chemistry before you spring your endearing surprise on someone reeks of foul play.

Stay safe, play nice, & share your toys w/ others...

Bella

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(in reply to Apocalypso)

Post #: 25

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/3/2009 6:07:39 AM

barelynangel

Posts: 6233
Status: offline

To me, i would keep it simple -- when do you mention it to people offline who may be potential relationships or someone who should know? Many people always seem to use online as a different concept than off because its easier to be omissive because people think -- if i can just get them liking me enough my whatever won't matter. But it does. Sorry there is no way around it and by NOT mentioninig it, to me you aren't showing how it doesn't define you --- you show how much it actually DOES control you and what you do and how focused you are on it. Be careful of falling into the trap of believing omission and conscious omission is not letting it define you because you actually are showing how it does if you feel you have to hide it or wonder when you should bring it up. However, to me, if you can't hide it in your offline -- don't on your online. Its not defining you however, it is a part of you and so i would use how you deal with it offline as a guide to how you deal with it on.

angel

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(in reply to RealSub58)

Post #: 26

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/3/2009 7:18:31 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

...So really, I want to know when the subs in here would want this sort of issue raised with them? And if there's any particular way they'd prefer it to be done...

personally, this slave has always mentioned her disabilities up front, in a matter-of-fact way.
because
a) they aren't always obvious.
and
b) they are potential deal breakers for some folks.

why waste another's time?

(in reply to Apocalypso)

Post #: 27

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/3/2009 7:56:59 AM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

I would personally would want to know right off the bat. Not to change my mind about that person but to learn more about it and learn how it affects that person. I feel like if someone waits too long to tell me something important like that then they might be trying to hide it.

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(in reply to Apocalypso)

Post #: 28

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/3/2009 8:07:11 AM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

I don't see why you need to disclose disabilities and/or physical limitations right off the get-go. Of course, i guess i need to amend that to say if you talk for months online before meeting, then you need to take the time involved into consideration.

It seems to me to be perfectly reasonable to bring it up when talking about meeting for the first time, or at the first meet, since this is the time you both decide if you want things to go any further.

This advice is predicated on meeting sooner than later - like within a few weeks of establishing contact.
Of course, when you hit my age range - 45 and up - there pretty much will be at least one condition that limits some sort of play. Is just the nature of getting older - and for me it is shoulder flexibility - i had adhesive capsulitis and never did regain all of the mobilitiy of one shoulder. Do i think i need to disclose this right away - no, because overall, it doesn't really impact my life signifigantly.

And for the people who have a signifigant disability - wheelchair, paralysis - again, i don't think they need to disclose right away, but certainly before the first meet. Heck, they have to dazzle someone with their personality so that the disability becomes less important overall. And yes, i am shallow enough, and aware enough of the potential problems that i would be wary of becoming involved with someone with what i would consider a major disability. But if i had connected with someone at an emotional level, then yes, i probably would continue in a relationship.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 29

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/3/2009 8:28:10 AM

niah

Posts: 5
Joined: 8/10/2007
Status: offline

i tell every potential partner i am an amputee either in my profile or my first email to them. i don't want to surprise them lol

(in reply to RealSub58)

Post #: 30

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/3/2009 8:35:40 AM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

Is that your arms or your legs or all four????

(in reply to niah)

Post #: 31

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/3/2009 8:46:05 AM

niah

Posts: 5
Joined: 8/10/2007
Status: offline

i am an Above knee/below knee amputee. i do wear "fake legs." so sometimes people don't believe me, but i just pull up the pant leg and there you go.

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 32

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/4/2009 12:18:26 PM

pinkwind

Posts: 367
Joined: 1/9/2005
Status: offline

i have had the basic details of my disabilities on my profile from day 1, but that level of up front disclosure is a personal choice, in that i wanted the men to sort themselves from the players before i had to do it myself.

If you don't want to put it on your profile, for what ever reason, that's cool, but i would make a point of mentioning any disability at the earliest opportunity, it saves investing too much time, energy and emotion when someone is going to bail out of talks at the merest hint of physical or mental problems.

i don't think that leaving off telling folk about any disability looks like you class any problem as trifling, it looks more like holding back potentially important info. i know that there is a lot of high priority stuff needs saying, but disability, unfortunately, is a hot topic, a deal breaker for some, even amongst those less shallow folks.

Best to get explanations of this kind out of the way, and then concentrate on what really counts.

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pink...
Master Andy's emotion...

From Each According To His Abilities, To Each According To His Needs.

(in reply to Apocalypso)

Post #: 33

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/4/2009 4:41:06 PM

natasha66

Posts: 321
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: NJ
Status: offline

Unless there is a chance of something going real-time, I don't mention mine. When it's obvious that interest is there, I do discuss it. Whether or not it then becomes a deal breaker to the other person is really not my issue. Fortunately, as of yet, it never has. And if it ever were, life goes on....

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Collared June 4th, 2008
Love is giving him the power to destroy you, but trusting him not to.

(in reply to pinkwind)

Post #: 34

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/4/2009 9:50:33 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

I think that sooner than later, though not tossing such matters into initial communiques is important.
You mentioned that you aren't looking for casual play partners, so theoretically, you're looking for a person or persons who are desiring to be in a relationship with you rather than just know the Dom aspects of you for the hour or whatever that you play.
You mention that you're very into the psychological aspects of D/s and if you're able to accentuate that to potential partners, I think you're more likely to find folks to whom that is also a priority. It stood out to me because I place a high value on the psychological facets of power dynamics as well.
My jaw is pretty FUBAR; I have severe TMJ. This is a hindrance for some activities with some partners, for others it's not much of a factor (Whether it affects them depends more on them than on me).
I think that in general conversation with a perosn you're getting to know better, things can be worked in. For you, you may drop something or do something else that was evidence of your dexterity issues. That would be a great starting point for a conversation.
Best wishes,
Davan

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-Robert A Heinlein

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Waiting is

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(in reply to natasha66)

Post #: 35

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/4/2009 10:15:33 PM

AlexandraLynch

Posts: 778
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline

I find that my fibromyalgia and the orthopedic issues associated with an auto accident ten years ago come up when we start looking at how play with me would be shaped. I am not going to be standing and flogging someone for an hour. If I plan to stand and do a lot of flogging that night, then I am going to have to stay off that foot most of the day and sort of save up my energy points. Sometimes I go from being just fine to having to sit down for a while very quickly. These are things a sub needs to know when they consider whether or not they want to enter a relationship with me, and I like to be up front about it.

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(in reply to DavanKael)

Post #: 36

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/4/2009 10:19:13 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I was wondering why the name changed. Thanks for the explanation.

As to your question, I want you to understand that this post is being written by someone clumsy enough to smack her own head just yesterday. I don't have your condition, but when not playing, I'm probably the most uncoordinated individual that you've ever met. Surprisingly enough, I happen to be a pretty good top. The reason that I make those two statements is for the OP to understand that I do get where he's coming from. It used to worry the heck out of Me. While I still have My own concerns (it wouldn't shock Me if I tripped over My own two feet and fell flat on the floor during a scene) I don't let it rule Me.

I wouldn't suggest putting the exact condition in your profile. If it would make you feel that you were being more honest about it, put a line in there that you have a disability and you are willing to tell anyone who asks. If you are starting to get to know someone, allow the subject to come up naturally, just as you would any other that would be important to discuss prior to play.

Not that My opinion matters much, but I happen to like your attitude on the subject.

_____________________________

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to DavanKael)

Post #: 37

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/4/2009 10:27:57 PM

MsDDom

Posts: 368
Joined: 1/1/2009
From: GA
Status: offline

in your profile? not necessary...
casual chit-chat...maybe not; potential relationship...by all means disclose.
the other person is put at a disadvantage when one is not truthful and then it is a painful reality when they cannot or will not deal w/ a disability.

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...:: MsDDom ::...

... live Life honestly ...

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 38

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/4/2009 10:55:03 PM

Apocalypso

Posts: 1104
Joined: 4/20/2009
Status: offline

To give a bit of an update in the hope it's helpful for others.

Mentioning it not straight away, but early on when it seems natural (in the first proper discussion about kinks) worked well.

_____________________________

If you're going to quote from the Book of Revelation,
Don't keep calling it the "Book of Revelations",
There's no "s", it's the Book of Revelation,
As revealed to Saint John the Divine.

(in reply to MsDDom)

Post #: 39

RE: When to mention a disability - 5/5/2009 1:00:01 AM

Vendaval

Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline

Apocalypso,

I have asthma/allergies and do not mention that in my profile but will over the course of e-mails, chat or phone calls when those facts may become relevant. Many of my friends smoke but smoking has to be done outside and not inside the room or vehicle where I am at the time. If someone suggests going into a club/bar/pub I inquire about the smoking rules in the establishment ahead of time.

You seem to have sorted out the method that works best for you.

Regards,

Vendaval

_____________________________

"Beware, the woods at night, beware the lunar light.
So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
"WOLF MOON", OCTOBER RUST, TYPE O NEGATIVE

http://KinkMeet.co.uk

(in reply to Apocalypso)

Post #: 40

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