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needcontroled -> to be or not to be (5/1/2009 3:57:46 PM)
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A little history on me first, i am a submissive that has purposely chosen to deny that side of her. when i was younger i explored that side and found Sir who taught me why i need so badly to be controlled and what being a submissive would mean to me. (i know everyone is different, these are only my reasons for me alone). my own needs and desires overwhelm me to the point that i can lose control easily. giving control over to someone stronger, more able to deal with them creates my need to be submissive. Working with me Sir found when i achieved subspace i was completely and totally submitted, you could suggest anything, do anything, there where no limits, even after i recovered any suggestion made during would become part of my "waking" personality, this was extreme in that it worried even Him that the wrong person, wrong situation would cause permanent harm to me and that i need a Master who understood the responsibility of owning me.
i will always thank Sir for teaching me not only who i was but teaching me a form of control that allowed me to decide for myself to continue or try to lead a vanilla life. with help of meditation and other techqniques i have maintained my own control (not always to great success but for the most part). and lead a "normal life" up to this point. (Sir if you are here somewhere reading this, i still am forever in your debt and have never forgotten You and what You will always mean to this one. Thank You from all that she is because of You.)
Now my problem, i have found myself in a relationship with a Man who has discovered His own Dominate side, (gee, who saw that coming? LOL). my submissive side and His Dominate side keep feeding each other, He grows more comfortable, more confident, as i respond and submit more and more. He of course is completly pleased to be discovering His true self, while i am not as thrilled, scared.. yes..giving up control is scary its a gift i cant take back or say or nevermind didnt mean it. For Him its still more a game, a serious one true, but still a game. For me, its my life, my ability to maintain my own control is eroding so quickly its terrifying. i dont know how to stop, or even if i really want too. i dont know what to do.. please help. since i have distance myself for so many years from this lifestyle i dont know anyone to talk to in real life, my friends and family would not understand any of this and be horrified. hoping to find someone here willing to at least help talk me through this and help me either stop or face the truth of who i am and give in.
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