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RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/2/2009 10:49:33 PM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

Not knowing his last name is the least of it. Very few people are prepared to give their last names online.

All this WIITWD is heavily reliant on human interaction. Trust me, it is. Have you ever tried to dominate yourself? Submit to yourself? To get anywhere here you really need both contact and communication with another person. The Internet enhances communication between people, or at least that's what it's meant to do.

There's also nothing which states that you as a submissive should wait for information to be offered by a dominant.

Look at it this way, you're offering or giving your submission to someone who's still a complete stranger.

I guess you really need to ask yourself what your submission is really worth, and how come you're so desperate to submit and be in a relationship that you're prepared to do so in an Internet chatroom.

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(in reply to PhoenixDominated)

Post #: 21

RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/2/2009 11:41:28 PM

scottishdove

Posts: 113
Joined: 7/27/2008
Status: offline

dear Pheonix,

You are quite new to coming out as a submissive, and you sound like you have a very high sex drive. This puts you in a very vulnerable frame of mind when first exploring D/s.. it really clouds your judgement.

I read your profile and journal. I assume the Dom you are referring to is Black Bull. I gather that you met and connected with him online, and then arranged for him to come to your home to dominate you, even though you did not get his full name and contact information.

This was your choice, and you had the experience you hoped for.

but for a Master or Dom to be willing to meet a submissive or slave when he hasn't given her his contact information.. well it shows a lot about that Dom's character and ethics. the main thing is shows is that he wants the ability to disappear with his anonymity intact should he wish to. it shows that he is entering the relationship for short term fun only. also, that he may be protecting a primary relationship which he wants to keep secret from his new playmate.

you were very lucky this time. all you have is soem disappointment and sadness. i suggest you follow up with an STD test, and really do some deep thinking about what you want out of the lifestyle.

if you want a series of semi-anonymous sex/play encounters, at least tighten up your security and get thier contact information just for security, so there is consequences for them if they hurt you, give you an STD or othersise do something distressing.

if you want to find an ongoing relationship out of this, i suggest you restrict yourself to spending online time with and real time encounters with Doms and Masters who are more forthright as to who they are and who are wiling to give you their real contact information. That automatically screens out most of the worst ones out there. I have had so far 3 meetings from Dom's i met online and all went well, and 2 lead to serious relationships. in all cases the Dom's volunteered thier contact information early and without being asked. this was after months of being jerked around and manitpulated by Dom's who weren't willing to tell me their actual names and contact information. Call me a slow learner, but i did learn.

scottish dove

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 22

RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/3/2009 5:46:24 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

I personally think on-line and real should be very clearly separated if at all possible.

If you are here to meet a person for real i would not wander off into cyber land with them, but keep things realistic and on need to know basis and arrange a meet somewhere public to see if you like eachother and click at all. Do not ever invite a stranger into your home!!! especially not if you have children.

If however you are here for cyber fun...stop the drama and have some fun with it. Things are not good when they make you feel miserable, that seems so obvious to me.
If people dissapear on you; try not to take it (too) personal, just relax and chat to some others...you do not have to be exclusively available to only one unless you chose to be so, no matter what they say.

If you decide to meet someone after you have been in contact here for a while...you have to keep in mind that they might know an awful lot about you and they might just might have been lying to you about everything....dodgy stuff...

(in reply to PhoenixDominated)

Post #: 23

RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/3/2009 6:18:45 AM

MarcEsadrian

Posts: 852
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PhoenixDominated

I am new to this site. However, I have always been submissive in every relationship that lasted for a long time. As a matter of fact, the whole online thing is new to me. I have been reading up on the D/s relationships lately so that I am more educated. I have been seeing a Dom for about a month. We chat online most nights. The question that I have is this. Does the relationship that started online ever become more conventional as far as a real connection is concerned. I am at the mercy of my Dom when it comes to communication. I only have his chat ID. I don't know his last name. He hardly offers any information about himself. So, is this common? Should I be bothered by this - because I am? I really need some clarity here. Please help.

Answering your subject line, yes, communication is vital, but it's more than simply words; words alone might as well be written in water. The heart of communication is honesty and action that follows it faithfully. If he were to say, "no, you will never know who I am, and you will never meet me, and this is why," that would be well enough to rest one's conscience I think, but I doubt such honesty in these online scenarios is popular.

While I realize giving good advice can be fatal, I'll make a productive attempt: outside of gaining knowledge, use the online world only as a means to real-life encounters and relationships; don't linger here too long. You're made of flesh and blood, and deserve the tactile.

(in reply to PhoenixDominated)

Post #: 24

RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/3/2009 7:55:35 AM

PhoenixDominated

Posts: 2
Joined: 4/11/2009
Status: offline

I appreciate everyone's feedback. I'm going to go get tested. I've learned a lot.

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Post #: 25

RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/3/2009 1:43:27 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

You have as much right to have a fulfilling relationship as he does. If you need parity of information in order to feel safe, then state that and don't back down.

The fact that he won't tell you anything tells me he's married and lying to you about it.

Next time when some so-called masteruberdomlordofthemuotiverse demands your real name, address, work info etc just say "You first".

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Post #: 26

RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/3/2009 3:04:18 PM

Whiplashsmile4

Posts: 2305
Joined: 12/2/2008
Status: offline

You have to ask yourself, how serious can you get with somebody not knowing their last name and/or phone number.

(in reply to PhoenixDominated)

Post #: 27

RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/3/2009 3:23:09 PM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PhoenixDominated

I am new to this site. However, I have always been submissive in every relationship that lasted for a long time. As a matter of fact, the whole online thing is new to me. I have been reading up on the D/s relationships lately so that I am more educated. I have been seeing a Dom for about a month. We chat online most nights. The question that I have is this. Does the relationship that started online ever become more conventional as far as a real connection is concerned. I am at the mercy of my Dom when it comes to communication. I only have his chat ID. I don't know his last name. He hardly offers any information about himself. So, is this common? Should I be bothered by this - because I am? I really need some clarity here. Please help.

I think you should take stock of what's important to you, and chase the things that you need.

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Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to PhoenixDominated)

Post #: 28

RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/3/2009 4:42:14 PM

scottishdove

Posts: 113
Joined: 7/27/2008
Status: offline

Pheonix, a lot of us are very naive when we get into the lifestyle. and nothing makes your brain fizz and loose clarity like those sub frenzy hormones.

reflect on what happened, and what you felt, and use the experience to learn what is important to you.

i think the lack of communication and his not showing up when he said afftected you quite a bit. maybe next time, look for a Dom that keeps up the communicaiton, gives more of himself, and keeps his promises great and small. maybe find a Dom who asks more of you than the sexual too.. someone who looks at yoru daily life and wants to xee you take better care of yoursefl, think more of your future. that is the great thing about a D/s relationship, it can be so close and intense, and combine the best features of family, friends, teacher, lover... so much more

there is also nothing wrong with you requiring a strong sexual element. you are in the age range and at the hormone level to need it and be able to play at that level. enjoy.. but do it safely.

lots of advice in these forums for how to find and manage all these things.

my best wishes to you. i hope you find a Dom who will take as good care of your heart as he does your body.

scottish dove

(in reply to NorthernGent)

Post #: 29

RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/3/2009 5:00:20 PM

Whiplashsmile4

Posts: 2305
Joined: 12/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PhoenixDominated

I am new to this site. However, I have always been submissive in every relationship that lasted for a long time. As a matter of fact, the whole online thing is new to me. I have been reading up on the D/s relationships lately so that I am more educated. I have been seeing a Dom for about a month. We chat online most nights. The question that I have is this. Does the relationship that started online ever become more conventional as far as a real connection is concerned. I am at the mercy of my Dom when it comes to communication. I only have his chat ID. I don't know his last name. He hardly offers any information about himself. So, is this common? Should I be bothered by this - because I am? I really need some clarity here. Please help.

No this is not common.

(in reply to PhoenixDominated)

Post #: 30

RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/14/2009 7:42:09 AM

SilentTigresss

Posts: 261
Joined: 1/18/2004
Status: offline

scottishdove,
Thank you for this writing.

(in reply to scottishdove)

Post #: 31

RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/14/2009 7:52:40 AM

urlittleprincess

Posts: 149
Joined: 12/18/2007
Status: offline

hello... :)

He was very serious about finding someone, so after exchanging emails and chatting for awhile we moved to the telephone quite quickly. He understood my need to feel safe and did not ask for my numbers immediately, but gave me both His home and cell numbers, as well as His last name. in this day and age you cannot be too safe...

if i were seriously getting to know someone i would give and expect to get their last name and contact numbers...otherwise you just might be chatting with a married man, a teenager or a horny net guy...none of which i would want to be involved with!!

follow your gut...it won't lead you wrong...the heart might though... :)

(in reply to PhoenixDominated)

Post #: 32

RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/14/2009 8:42:47 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

My only CM profile is as a dominant male, and I've met several women in real from it. I've made a new friend almost every time. I provide a link to a MySpace page of nilla photos of me with friends, pretty much right away, if I think I'll like her as a friend. I also usually send a link to my web page pretty early on.

A few women have told me that they were confident it would be safe to meet me because of how open I was about my personal information. And they're right. I might beat you until you're no longer able to scream, but you're 100% safe around me. That's real.

I think men would have much better luck on this site if they acted less cagey.

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Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
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(in reply to urlittleprincess)

Post #: 33

RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/14/2009 9:06:26 AM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

If you want to move to realtime, say so up front. Have a timeline of how much time before you will expect to meet in person, or cut it off. Like a few weeks, for example.

This guy is just jerking you around, he doesn't want to meet- right?

Dump him. He's probably married anyway, but for whatever reason your goals for the relationship don't match if you want to move to R/T (fairly quickly, or at all) and he doesn't.

ETA: Oops I just read the thread. He's already used you for sex. Dump him and move on, and don't just put out to a stranger next time. Get some self-esteem.

< Message edited by dreamerdreaming -- 5/14/2009 9:12:56 AM >

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(in reply to PhoenixDominated)

Post #: 34

RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/14/2009 9:08:25 AM

lronitulstahp

Posts: 5392
Joined: 10/17/2007
Status: offline

i hope everything goes well with your tests,

As far as the original post, sometimes, not always...people are hesitant about revealing certain information because they simply are private people. When i met Sir...i basically had email and chat only for the first month, though we were in the same city. He wanted to take things slow, and didn't feel a need for full disclosure at that point. i didn't even have a last name or phone number. We both had experiences with "stalker" types in the past, so i was fine with that. By the time we were ready to meet, i had more info, but even then, there were things He felt no need to tell me until we progressed into an actual relationship. i don't get the need to know a person's entire history when just getting to know them. (Honestly, Sir has taught me alot about patience...and at one time, years ago i'd be chomping at the bit for all the vital statistics after the first returned email)

my point is this: had i been so ready to say "He's a fake" because He wasn't totally forthcoming, early on, i would have missed out on having this amazing Man in my life. However, as much as he didn't share personal information, He also made it clear that we wouldn't share anything physically until we were friends, and until we knew each other pretty well. i would stand clear of the type that won't give you a last name but will let you give them a BJ...
as they say"Here's your sign".

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Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

(in reply to PhoenixDominated)

Post #: 35

RE: Communication is key...Right? - 5/14/2009 9:14:46 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

Hmm.. this is where things get tricky. If you played with the guy and don't even know his name, what do you tell them if you test positive for an STD?
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: PhoenixDominated

I appreciate everyone's feedback. I'm going to go get tested. I've learned a lot.

(in reply to PhoenixDominated)

Post #: 36

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