confused (sorry it is so long) (Full Version)

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heartbroken84 -> confused (sorry it is so long) (5/4/2009 8:56:26 AM)

This is the first time I ever posted on this board,  i really hate to air my problems out in public but i am so confused and hurt and thought maybe someone on here can give me advice.
                okay my story (in a nutshell)
I have been collared to my Mistress for 13 months online and 9 months real time. Our relationship was very loving, and caring, we had really good communication between us we never hid our feelings from each other and talked about anything openly and freely that bothers us.  This relationship was the most awesomest relationship till  a week ago.
          I knew that She felt like She was burnt out of this Mistress thing. She has stated a few times that She would like to be able to go out on a chat and be silly and playful without being judge for her actions as Mistress. She didnt want to be the one to make all the decisions. Which truely I can understand. I could see that She was not truely happy.
   2 weeks ago i went in for out-patient surgery, i came on that night to let Her know that i was okay and everything went Well. when i walked into the room i noticed a new nick thinking nothing of it I was introduce to her as my new sister from the Master of the home. everything was fine I thought nothing of it. Thursday I returned back on line, as I normally do I went to the home(room) to see everyone, when I entered I saw that slave name and on voice she was talking. It was my Mistress's voice. when she finally notice I was in there she said"ohh wyne is here" and bolted out the room like she was hiding it from me. well i flew off the handle not understanding why she was in that name. she called me 5 mins later and told me that this was just a joke name and it doesnt mean anything. i told her if it didnt mean anything then why did you run and hide from me when i came in? Her reply was cas i didnt want you to get "Pissed Off". get pissed off like i am not right now. so we fought over this finally we made up and now when everything is good again she came to me and told me I don't want to be a Mistress anymore i really enjoy being a slave and this is what I am choosen. I am more happier in this nick and i can be free and be myself. but remeber i love you and always will and i will never chose another over you. if you are not okay with this ill go back to Mistress.
To make a long story straight She has chosen this master (sorry will not cap his name i have no respect for him) over me. i dont wanna sound like i am jealous cas i am not jealous over some moron that has a limp dick that cannot fullfill her wants needs and desires. I love her so much and i cant understand why she would want to throw away a perfect 13 month relationship. i feel that maybe this is my fault that maybe i pushed her to hard as Mistress, or maybe i was not a good enough slave for her. i want her happy i really do but i dont think i can deal with her being my equal after being my Mistress for so long. i just dont see her that way.
 my heart is broken and i am confused do i fight for her? do i just let her go? i dont wanna lose her but i want her happy. and i dont want to throw away 13 months of our love.
 i am sorry this was so long i didnot tend it to be.



LadyPact -> RE: confused (sorry it is so long) (5/4/2009 9:06:55 AM)

Does the possibility exist that you might be able to accept your Mistress as a switch, who has a submissive side to her that she would like to explore in addition to the role that she has with you?



DesFIP -> RE: confused (sorry it is so long) (5/4/2009 9:11:56 AM)

Did she tell you upfront that she was a switch?
Because you must realize that she has as much right to get her submissive needs met as her dominant needs.

Her relationship with him is entirely different than her relationship with you. Does she want to maintain both relationships now?

Are you capable of accepting that just as you need to be dominated, so does she? If so set up boundaries, you don't need to see the two of them interacting, you also aren't by definition his sub.

If you aren't capable of dealing with someone who is getting both her needs met, that's fine too. But it isn't that you aren't enough, it is entirely based on her needs, not on your actions.

In the meantime don't go into the chat room, you don't need to see her submit to someone. However I would have to rethink any relationship where two people could not talk about profound unhappiness and instead chose to spring such things on one another. It is a very disrespectful thing to do.



lally2 -> RE: confused (sorry it is so long) (5/4/2009 9:12:02 AM)

im so sorry youre in this awful place right now.

you need to step back if you can and find a breathing space to think and feel more clearly.

you cant fight for her, in the end it is her life and you cant make her be youre misstress lol.  thats never going to work is it.

i feel for you i really do.  but if you do love her that much then you do want to see her happy.

if it was me i would let her go.  its hard and unfair and all of that, but you have no other choice the way i see it.

xx



CallaFirestormBW -> RE: confused (sorry it is so long) (5/4/2009 9:12:56 AM)

People are what they are, and they change over time. We're not statues, staying the same every day for the rest of our lives.

In my years in and around WIITWD, I've seen people shift in either direction. It often has nothing to do with love -- it has to do with trying to figure out how one fits into the world in which they exist.

Were it me, I would see if I could still relate to her and retain a semblance of closeness. She's said that she didn't do this to hurt you, and frankly, I can believe that, because over the years I've seen so many people change as they came to know themselves (and I know that I am not the same person that I was 10 years ago, either). In the same way, it is useless to get all nasty about the person she's accepted to help her figure out her new path. Getting bent out of shape about it isn't going to change anything, and it ties you to a set of feelings that aren't going to help -you- figure out what you really want for your life at this point, either.

I'd take a good long look at myself now. Change rarely happens when we're "ready" for it -- it comes along and offers us opportunities for new challenges and growth. Pick yourself up and figure out what you want from here, and start relishing the opportunity to go and get it.



DarkSteven -> RE: confused (sorry it is so long) (5/4/2009 9:20:00 AM)

Communication.

1. Your Mistress stated that she was getting burned out being a Mistress.  You state that you were aware of the situation.  So what did you do about it?  You could have initiated a conversation along the lines of "Mistress is tired - what can I do to help?"  You chose to say/do nothing.

2. Your Mistress did not decide to submit overnight.  She has been wanting to submit for some time.  She has tried to hide this from you.

Quit blaming the Dom for this situation.  Your Mistress clearly likes it.  And calling him names is disrespectful to her.

You seem to want to go back to the fantasy you had of you submitting to her and both of you completely fulfilled in that role.  Not only won't that happen, but she was not getting all of her needs met.

You have several choices ahead of you.  You could continue to submit to her while she submits to the other Dom.  If you could get past your anger, you might submit to him as well.  The three of you need to discuss this possibility, and need to have discussions regularly as you all figure out how you fit in.

Or you could just leave.

Whatever you do, do not tell her that you want to go back to the old days if only she would dump the Dom.  You will drive a wedge in and cause her distress.





marie2 -> RE: confused (sorry it is so long) (5/4/2009 9:23:12 AM)

As much as this is kind of a bummer for you, I suggest letting her go.  I don't blame her for wanting to get her own needs met, but she was deceitful in not telling you, and letting you see her under a different name, then pretending it was a joke, then finally telling you the truth.  Ok....even if you can get past that, what do you have left?  She has made it clear that she feels more right with herself as a submissive to this new person.  Yet, she would still be your mistress if you weren't ok with it.  That seems nice of her, but do you really think it will be the same if she tries to remain your mistress out of a sense of obligation?  If I were you, I'd let her off the hook...let her go be whoever she needs to be, and move on with your life.  I would also recommend, making it more of a realtime thing next time than somethign that's going to play out in a chatroom. 



Fitznicely -> RE: confused (sorry it is so long) (5/4/2009 9:36:19 AM)

Being an Online Dom is fucking hard work. I totally understand the burn-out thing as I've seen it happen for myself.

Sad to say, I'm afraid it's time to move on. This happens everyday, but it never gets easier to deal with.

I'm sorry for your loss, but by all means try and retain some kind of relationship with her as a friend. Surely after 13 months, there's something there beyond D/s?

Try and remember, you just spent all that time ensuring she was happy...and in turn, that made you happy. Well, now she's happy, you should try not being so selfish and be happy for her, too.



CatdeMedici -> RE: confused (sorry it is so long) (5/4/2009 9:45:45 AM)

Is there any chance she is a player?



Lockit -> RE: confused (sorry it is so long) (5/4/2009 10:31:25 AM)

At best you are being sent mixed messages.  One minute she says her slave name is a joke while maintaining that she is tired of being a mistress and then when you are upset and talking she states that she won't pick anyone above you and if you want she will remain mistress.  I don't see how either of you can get to a place where things are settled and you feel safe if the things she says go from one thing to another.  Then how she handled the whole situation is questionable to me and selfish.

You must either accept the push me, pull me game or move on.  I would move on as a push me, pull me game is very dystructive and emotionally harmful. It is a crazy making situation.

You mention the master of the house.  There is a lot here that isn't being explained, but she has decided to be submissive to the master of the house... whatever that means and you are going to have to accept that she no longer feels comfortable being your mistress... part of the time.  Until she is sure... you cannot be sure. 

The real question is, what do you want to do?  It is hard losing something we thought we had, but what you had isn't what it is now.  Can you accept less than what you thought you were getting?  Can you accept the mixed messages and be happy with it all?  Can you accept that the situation wasn't handled very well and the fear that other situations could be handled in a way that you might find hurtful or deceptive?

Stop trying to find fault with yourself that excuses her actions.  This is something within her, however it plays out.  I wish you well, but it all sounds like a crazy making situation and you would most likely be better off to distance yourself and find out what you really want.  Your profile states that you are looking for a dominant male.  I think it is time for a lot of self reflection and examination and when in a calmer state, decide what you really want to do.



pixidustpet -> RE: confused (sorry it is so long) (5/4/2009 10:39:59 AM)

all of the above is good advice.  i have a couple of more points to add, though...

1.  if there was an expectation of monogamy, she broke that (if only online).

2.  she was not clear enough to you about her dominant burnout.  its not her place to expect you to read her mind and know exactly what she needs of you...its her place to open her mouth and tell you plainly.  if you didnt get it when she said she was burning out, she should have made it plainer.

3.  even though this is a D/s relationship...it is a relationship *first* to you, obviously.  you have strong feelings and they are being hurt by not only her submission to another man, but by the betrayal to you of what *your* relationship is.

4.  she knew you were going to be hurt by her actions, proved by her bolting out of the chatroom.  if she needed a change to the relationship,  SHE needed to speak up about it, plainly, and make sure she was understood, ESPECIALLY since it is a realtime as well as online relationship.

now...its up to you.  she *does* have the right to have her needs met, just as you do.  she went about it in a way that hurt you.  you have to make the decision as to what you do now.  whatever you do, an in-person sit-down talk would probably be a good jumping-off point.  not as mistress and submissive, but as a man and a woman who have hit a major bump and see if there is anything to salvage, or anything worth salvaging, out of this mess.

i wish you luck in all of it.

kitten



angelikaJ -> RE: confused (sorry it is so long) (5/4/2009 10:49:20 AM)

I understand your feeling betrayed because she was deceitful.

It sounds like the communication between the 2 of you got wobbly.

She probably does love you and feels torn between her feelings of responsibility towards you and her newly identified submissive needs.

IF she is willing to switch, the 2 of you will need to figure out if what she is capapble of giving you matches what you need.
Is her deceit a deal-breaker?
That is for you to decide.

Your feelings of loss for what you thought you had are going to be difficult to deal with.





Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: confused (sorry it is so long) (5/4/2009 10:54:42 AM)

First and foremost, my advice is to set all the D/s aside and focus upon some really basic things.

1. Your relationship (not your relationship structure).
2. Communication of thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Some people try so damn hard to fit into their orientations and live up to other peoples expectations that they feel the are loosing a part of themselves.

In short, sounds like she's burned out from play urber mistress and enjoys the freedom and break from having to manage things to the nth degree.

People try to push vanilla aspects of their relationship out of the picture, trying to live up to some high level of D/s all the time. This can be a mistake.

It's great to simply be yourselves with one another and the freedom from having to live up to some D/s or BDSM stereotype expectation of what a True Dom or sub should be.

A D/s or BDSM lifestyle relationship is still a relationship, make certain you both still have the freedom to be yourself.

D/s or BDSM itself does not define a relationship. D/s is a general concept and there's plenty of room for the type of D/s or none D/s you want to have in your relationship.

You have to remember she is a human being and you are a human being first and formost. Sounds like she's tired out from feeling like she's not a human being. She wants to laugh, have fun and be light hearted. Not some Stern hearted Mistress of the Dark.

Sound like she got too caught up in playing the role of mistress and lost herself as the result of it. People can loose themselves living up to Stereotypes and get burned out.

I think if you let her know that it's okay for her to laugh and joke around, that it won't break your relationship. The world won't go to hell in a hand basket.

You will have to be able to make adjustments, such as not trying to force her to Domme your ass in areas she has not interest in Doming. Find out what things she hates being in control of, perhaps you have placed way too much submissions and responsibility upon her.

Many of us DOMS can get burned out over an intense work load of having to Micromanage too much a sub/slaves life. It can become a rather Taxing chore and task in itself to have that much work. Starts to not be fun anymore. There needs to be some form of balance.




Lockit -> RE: confused (sorry it is so long) (5/4/2009 11:07:03 AM)

Whiplash brings up a number of good points.  I wanted to mention one but in my morning fog wasn't sure how to address it with the information given.  That is... what does a dominant act like?  Getting tired of the mistress thing statement suggested to me that something was forced. 

I cannot get tired of my dominance thing because my dominance thing is a part of my personality.  I don't need to be anything other than what I am.  Some will see me as not dominant enough because I don't act like the chat room domina... those in person have no doubt!  It is a steady confidence in who and what I am and an acting on that.  In play I may go further than I would just sitting around talking, but it is all an aspect of who I am and flows naturally.

If your mistress was trying to hold up to a standard of perception on what a dominant does, I can see a lot of problem area's and burn out.  I am not saying that a dominant doesn't get tired and doesn't need what I call a domina down time.  There are times when I am just me... a woman... a human and I don't want to do life so much and need a break.  I might have a headache or be sick or just tired and need to just be... rather than take care of all things in life.  Everyone needs a break from life seriousness and to have fun sometimes!  It's not like I go to say Disneyland and dominante dumbo... come on... we laugh, we play and have lots of fun and that is just a part of who we are.  When dominance becomes a job rather than a state of being who we are, someone needs a break or is trying to force things that don't come naturally or comfortably to them.



allthatjaz -> RE: confused (sorry it is so long) (5/4/2009 11:47:01 AM)

You say that it was 13 months of perfect and for you perhaps it was, but it has to be perfect on both sides to work and clearly for her it wasn't.
She told you she was tired of the Dominant side of things. How did you react to that?

She was giving you warning bells but it sounds like she didn't want to disappoint you or let you down.
She loves you and you love her and the only two that can sort this all out is the both of you but that has to be done selflessly. Sounds like an awful lot of compromises for this to work out and such compromises always carry big risks.

Good luck and I hope you find future happiness.



sweetnurseBBW -> RE: confused (sorry it is so long) (5/4/2009 11:55:59 AM)

Sounds like some deeper issues abroad. She did tell you she was feeling burnout but she never said how she wanted to handle that.  Does she just want to be submissive or a switch? There is allot of broken communication and allot of unanswered questions. I can understand your feeling upset but blaming the other isn't the way to handle it.

If I were in this situation I would have to step away and figure out what I wanted and wanted to do. Sometimes people do things without thinking of others feelings first. At least she could have talked to about this beforehand and not letting it get to this point. Only you can decide what it is you can live with.



Lashra -> RE: confused (sorry it is so long) (5/4/2009 12:19:15 PM)

I'm sorry for your loss. After I read your post I had to ask myself, if she was a Dominant, why is she asking you the submissive, if this is ok or if that is ok? It sounds to me that she really is not Dominant, at least not at this point in her life. Perhaps she just needs a break or a change, maybe things have gotten boring or overwhelming for her. Or she could very well be a switch. Whichever the case do not blame the Dom she is with now, is was not his doing, it was her's.

Accept her decision and remain her friend if you can. This may not be a permanent situation it could change, but then again this maybe who she truly is at this point in her life.

Good luck,
~Lashra



SIRLOINSTEAK -> RE: confused (sorry it is so long) (5/4/2009 12:24:08 PM)

someone pass the popcorn, this is a really good drama unfolding. ::munch munch:: [:D]



Lockit -> RE: confused (sorry it is so long) (5/4/2009 12:29:58 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SIRLOINSTEAK

someone pass the popcorn, this is a really good drama unfolding. ::munch munch:: [:D]


Why?  Are you the master of the house?  Someone has a situation and although there is a lot I wouldn't consider great about it... I don't see anyone making it a drama.



DavanKael -> RE: confused (sorry it is so long) (5/4/2009 12:42:02 PM)

For me (And, I am speaking only for me), the person I care about is far more important than a rigid role.  Now, certainly if someone deviates too far from their place in my life or I in theirs, that stands to cause/create problems but overall, if I want to be with someone, I am going to be pretty flexible. 
I am going to guess that there are more issues here than just the roles. 
Best wishes,
  Davan



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