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Old dog, new trick-behavior modification - 5/4/2009 4:02:51 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		The specific behavior, in this case, is to substitute one word for another. For the past decade I have called Himself 'babe' as an affectionate term of endearment however, whenever we have gone out into BDSM venues (parties, munches, classes, etc.) I use "Sir" almost exclusively. There are a couple of motivations for attempting to implement this substitution as a new protocol but the main one is to place a separation (small wall) between our daily lives as Master/slave from our daily lives as husband/wife. When I returned from the States, Himself made it clear that wife is a back burner sort of thing (although necessary as I couldn't be here on his Visa if we weren't married) and as long as it took me to wrap my head around the idea of being 'wife', now I'm rather used to it. Perhaps, a bit to used to it, and Himself believes this small wall will help me adjust to our new life here in Europe and keep my focus on what's important to both of us which is service from slave to Master. 

Our idea is to start with gentle correction and I already find myself saying 'babe-Sir' rather quickly, correcting myself before he finds the need to do so. He's cutting me some slack as well since I'm so used to 'babe'ing' him but, still, there are to be consequences for failure to comply (in the not too distant future) and I'd rather avoid those if at all possible. I'm not 'quite' in my dotage yet and should be able to remember that it's "Sir" and not babe but am curious as to what tips or tricks others have found useful for this sort of behavior modification. So far, if I find myself forgetting, we've thought of snapping a rubber band on my wrist or even keeping a posty note on my hand as a flag until I get used to the new lingo. I've already changed the name on the Skype and my cell phone to Sir, so that's automatic and I'm hoping when we Skype while he's at work or when his name pops up on the caller ID on the cell, that will remind me as well.

Ideas or suggestions are welcome and I'm happy to provide any further information for some feedback. I am very motivated for this to work and without getting into too much drama which would probably just bore most of ya'll to tears, this thing, while small, is also big. Thanks in advance for your help!

_____________________________

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Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

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RE: Old dog, new trick-behavior modification - 5/4/2009 4:12:14 PM   
Xeandra


Posts: 49
Joined: 3/14/2006
From: Arizona
Status: offline 		hmmm yes you know my vanilla husband has gotten tired of me calling him baby. Mostly since my four year old daughter is attempting the term on him. Old habits die hard I suppose. But what worked for me wasn't really a physical thing i spent some time looking at him when he wasn't watching reminding myself what he is to me. He's a partner that im sharing my life with. So in my situation just taking tim to evaluate who he is to me helped me switch up to using his name more often. Your relationship is obviosly differnt but giving a glance once in a while might help or not. Anyhow there is my two cents.

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RE: Old dog, new trick-behavior modification - 5/4/2009 4:16:09 PM   
Apocalypso


Posts: 1104
Joined: 4/20/2009
Status: offline 		Get something like a large bracelet that you'll be able to feel is there.  Wear it specifically as a reminder for this behaviour modification.  That way, whenever you notice it it will remind you.

_____________________________

If you're going to quote from the Book of Revelation,
Don't keep calling it the "Book of Revelations",
There's no "s", it's the Book of Revelation,
As revealed to Saint John the Divine.

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RE: Old dog, new trick-behavior modification - 5/4/2009 4:29:06 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		Sounds like you're motivated, and off to a good start.

How about addressing him military style, until the behavior takes hold naturally?

For example: "Sir, (blah, blah, blah)..."

Or "(Blah, blah, blah)..., Sir."

Or you could go even more formal- military board style: "Sir, (blah, blah, blah), Sir."

Basically you would just start or end (or both) every sentence in which you are addressing him, with "Sir". It might seem tedious at first, but it works. Then you could drop it or modify it, as the behavior takes hold.

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RE: Old dog, new trick-behavior modification - 5/4/2009 4:31:51 PM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		I'd say wear a rubber band around your wrist and pop yourself with it every time you call him babe, but I'm thinking that if you are a masochist it might not work so well as an aversion.....hmmmm

I've heard it takes something like 30 days to form a habit, and about just as much time to break one (no reference for this, just something I read ages ago) so allowing yourself a reasonable timeframe to reprogram may be as beneficial as anything else.

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RE: Old dog, new trick-behavior modification - 5/4/2009 6:09:33 PM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		I think its a conscious inhaling of who He really is and what He really is, so that everytime you look at Him, He IS Master. Its almost a distance of sorts, that casual intimacy of "babe" is no longer allowed--Master is the rule, Master is the voice--Sir is who holds your tether.

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RE: Old dog, new trick-behavior modification - 5/4/2009 6:36:16 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		Sing the Sonny and Cher song, only change it to “Sir, I got you Sir!”  (or any other song you know that fits)
 
With a picture of him in front of you, write Sir 25 times and say it out loud.  Do this daily for awhile.
 
Picture the letters in your head with words you use that begin phonetically as ‘s-i-r’; Certainly becomes ‘Sirtainly, Sir”  Service is pictured as “S-i-rvice for Sir”,  “Sir’s S-i-rvant”  etc.
 
I have no idea if any of this will work, just wanted to help!

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RE: Old dog, new trick-behavior modification - 5/4/2009 7:03:18 PM   
Padriag


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Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

Our idea is to start with gentle correction...

Damn... that pretty much disqualifies me.

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A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

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RE: Old dog, new trick-behavior modification - 5/4/2009 9:01:22 PM   
notsubstandard


Posts: 6
Joined: 4/27/2009
Status: offline 		This is a funny, and fun topic. Think about it for a minute. A sub is attempting to adopt a preferred title for her dom hubby. On the surface, it is a task; simple yet deceptively difficult to achieve. Yeah right. The question is, are you testing him, or your self? What kind of boundaries are you checking? His demand for obedience, or your need for discipline? Oh where could the two lines possibly meet lol. They will meet right where the sub wants them too, get it? You two will have many topics that will lead to this crossroad of sub/dom satisfaction. How long it takes to get there depends on the communication and history you two have together. In time, you will know exactly what to do to earn your discipline, and he will know exactly what and when you will resist.

Enjoy your hubby and his generosity/patience while it lasts. You already know you want more than a rubber band snap, so drop a hint already. There is nothing as fun as anticipating the known consequences for your insubordination. There is also no sweeter time than slowly learning how and when you can manipulate your dom without him/her really knowing you are doing so. This is the power of the sub.

Some day, this type of play will draw a wry, knowing grin on one of your faces long before it is time to pay up/dish out.

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RE: Old dog, new trick-behavior modification - 5/4/2009 9:26:47 PM   
TreasureKY


Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		Bita... I really don't mean this to sound adversarial.  These are just the thoughts that came to mind when reading your post.

I will admit that I am personally not too crazy about the idea of putting up walls or barriers of any kind between life partners.  But aside from that, I guess I'd have to ask if, when you became his wife, did you take his last name?  If so, what did you do to remember what your own new name was?

(Not to say that I didn't slip up occasionally, but generally I didn't have any issues remembering my own new name after I got married because it was something I really wanted and embraced.  That also applied to going back to my maiden name after 22 years of marriage.)

I mean, it sounds as if you haven't had any problems remembering to call him "sir" when in BDSM venues.  Could it be that you subconsciously prefer to keep your roles separate?  If so, it could cause you difficulty with forgetfulness and hinder your progress in reaching your goal.

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RE: Old dog, new trick-behavior modification - 5/4/2009 11:14:03 PM   
catize


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Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

On the surface, it is a task; simple yet deceptively difficult to achieve. Yeah right. The question is, are you testing him, or your self? What kind of boundaries are you checking? His demand for obedience, or your need for discipline?  

Your thoughts are based on a decided lack of information.  I don’t know the OP well, and her master not at all.  However, from her posts on this board it is clear to me that her slavery to him is as real as it gets.  You are assuming much with your theory that she would ever choose to ‘check boundaries’ or deliberately seek to be disciplined.  I believe her goal is to obey his command(s) at all times. Her post is simply asking for suggestions on the best way to meet that goal as quickly and efficiently as possible.


quote:

  Oh where could the two lines possibly meet lol.

Your use of the text-speak ( “lol” ) here indicates a passive-aggressive and ambiguous attitude regarding those who are submissive by orientation. You are revealing your own insecurities which rather detract from the intent of this thread.

quote:

  Enjoy your hubby and his generosity/patience while it lasts. You already know you want more than a rubber band snap, so drop a hint already. There is nothing as fun as anticipating the known consequences for your insubordination. There is also no sweeter time than slowly learning how and when you can manipulate your dom without him/her really knowing you are doing so.

 
No, I certainly don’t get what you are saying, although I could guess fairly accurately that you don’t “get” anything about BitaTruble or her commitment to her master.  Perhaps you are projecting your own failures,and inadequacies here.  Believe it or not, there are submissive people who take their responsibilities seriously; who would never dream of being insubordinate (it makes me laugh that you would assume she could/would be bratty) in order to receive punishment. 

quote:

  This is the power of the sub.

I could (again) accurately guess that you think you know who holds the power in the OP’s dynamic but I am certain that you are wrong.   
 
You are, to put it bluntly, full of **it! 

< Message edited by catize -- 5/4/2009 11:18:18 PM >

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
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RE: Old dog, new trick-behavior modification - 5/4/2009 11:20:26 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I like the rubber band method.  I find this better than the bracelet idea.  A piece of jewelery doesn't enhance the self correction that you are trying to instill.  Plus, I have a certain fondness for the idea of you snapping yourself.  (You're not surprised that a sadist would like the idea, are you?)

I'm really just on the thread to say that I'm glad you've returned safely.  My best wishes to Himself and you.


_____________________________

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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RE: Old dog, new trick-behavior modification - 5/5/2009 12:46:36 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		FR

Thanks for the input! I'm typing this with a rubber band around my wrist and except for waking up this morning and calling him 'babe' in my sleepy fog, I've been doing fairly well.

Xeandra - thank you for your input. Looking at him, the man I see is Master, babe, lover, best friend and everything in between but Master has always been and will continue to be what comes first. Your post reminded me of the importance and priority of Master in that equation. He doesn't like being called Master and since that tends to make me giggle, I think Sir will work for us.

Apocalypso - your idea has a lot of merit for us. Sir makes chainmail items and might consider making a bracelet. I'm certainly going to run your idea by him and see what he has to say about it. In the meantime, I do have my snappy band on. :)

Dreamerdreaming - we actually spoke about the Sir, yes Sir via military style, but he nixed that already, but thanks for the input. We had thought about it, so great minds thinking alike and all that .. it's just not going to work for us because it doesn't work for him. :)

WinsomeDefinance - rubber band in place! ::grins:: I remember reading something about the time frame for adjustments as well and Sir thought 30 days was reasonable. I'm a quick learner, so, hopefully, it won't take that long!

CatdeMedici - loved your post! Breathing him in for who and what he is .. Master first.. love it. Thank you!

catize - I have a standing mandate that I'm not allowed to sing in his presence (and trust me.. it's much better for the world if I don't!!) but the idea of writing out "Sir" is a good one. I'm going to give that a try and see what happens. Thanks!

Padriag - well, damn.. didn't mean to shut the door there! ::laughs::

LadyPact - gawds, but I love sadists! Sir really likes the idea as well but I hadn't thought about 'why' he might like it! ::laughs:: In any event, that is the option he's chosen for now and masochist or not, the wrist has never been an erogenous zone for me, so no motivation to snap myself silly just 'cuz.

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to LadyPact)
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RE: Old dog, new trick-behavior modification - 5/5/2009 12:51:06 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		*pictures Bita snapping a rubber band and getting all giggly*

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RE: Old dog, new trick-behavior modification - 5/5/2009 1:26:07 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: notsubstandard

This is a funny, and fun topic.


Well, thanks! That wasn't my motive for posting, but perks is perks! ::grins::

quote:

Think about it for a minute. A sub is attempting to adopt a preferred title for her dom hubby. On the surface, it is a task; simple yet deceptively difficult to achieve. Yeah right. The question is, are you testing him, or your self?


It's not a test. We were M/s for 8 years before we got married and it was very difficult to wrap my head around being his 'wife' because that didn't work so well for me the first time I went there. It took, oh, maybe three years before I felt comfortable with being a 'wife' again but once I embraced it and accepted it, it began to take over noticeably when I was in the States. (I never was any good at that long distance thing and I was in the states for almost 6 weeks. It's the longest we've been apart in our 14 years together.) When I came home, he decided that I embraced it a bit too much and this is one of the solutions that we came up with together to keep our relationship on the path he wants it to take.
quote:

What kind of boundaries are you checking? His demand for obedience, or your need for discipline?


Sir doesn't really demand obedience, he just expects it and, I don't believe I have a need for discipline. My goal here is to avoid such things because I'm doing what I'm required to do in the manner he decides.

quote:

Oh where could the two lines possibly meet lol. They will meet right where the sub wants them too, get it? 


That's not the way our relationship works. We do things his way and calling him Sir as opposed to 'babe' is something that he wants to have happen so, I'm going to be doing my best to ensure I comply. If I don't, there will, eventually, be a consequence. I'd prefer not to have to pay one especially since this is such a simply thing that I 'know' I can accomplish and he knows it as well.

quote:

In time, you will know exactly what to do to earn your discipline, and he will know exactly what and when you will resist.


Ack! The whole idea just makes my teeth itch! I don't ever want to earn discipline (especially if by discipline you mean punishment!). If I want something, anything, from a beating to a new car, I am free to ask for it (and I do!) Might get it, might not, but resisting to manipulate is just not at all my style.

quote:

Enjoy your hubby and his generosity/patience while it lasts. You already know you want more than a rubber band snap, so drop a hint already.


I'm not quite sure what you mean here. This is something he brought to my attention and this is the solution we've come up with to ensure that being his 'wife' isn't first and foremost. I guess a little background here might help clarify things.

The last 5 months have seen a huge upheavel and radical change in our lives. Leaving my country, my family, our worldly possessions are still in the States and we went from him working out of the home to going to a brick and mortar building and being gone for 12 hours a day when I was very used to him being around all the time. When I went back for a visit to California, all those things that I miss so much were right at my finger tips and he was 8000 miles away. We had very limited contact on a daily basis so I got a bit used to 'running' things even though I was in my daughters house and not my own. I tend to take over and I'm good at it but it lead to some snippy and flippant remarks on my part. One of those remarks was in response to something he said on the phone when it was getting close to my time to come home. To paraphrase, he said something like, "You're my wife. You'll do as I say," and I had a bit of a smart ass answer to being his wife and wives doing what they want. As you can imagine, that didn't go over so well and as soon as the words were out of my mouth I knew I shouldn't have said them. Two days later I was on a plane back to Europe and all that 'aloneness' came right back to me. Couple that with menopause and my inability to keep my shit together and embrace my new country and it was just too much for me to handle without a temporary crutch to help me get through. This is one of those crutches and so far, it seems to be helping. The daily contact, limited compared to what we used to have, is also helping me be the slave I'm capable of being, so, I really am just looking for tips and trick to help keep the rocks off the path so I can quit skinning my knees from falling down on the job.

quote:

There is nothing as fun as anticipating the known consequences for your insubordination.


Ugh. Not at all my idea of fun.

quote:

There is also no sweeter time than slowly learning how and when you can manipulate your dom without him/her really knowing you are doing so. This is the power of the sub.


We are definitely on different planes with this one! Sir and I have been together almost 14 years. If that was part of our relationship, I don't think it would have lasted so long. Neither of us believes in the 'power' of the sub. I don't much care for that scenario in vanilla relationships.. manipulating I mean, much less one that has a core dynamic based on M/s.

quote:

Some day, this type of play will draw a wry, knowing grin on one of your faces long before it is time to pay up/dish out.


I appreciate your input, but this just isn't part of who 'we' are. I don't want to have to 'pay' anything .. I just want to be who I am and enjoy living life with a man who is comfortable in his own skin as I am in mine.

Thanks for your thoughts though!

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to notsubstandard)
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RE: Old dog, new trick-behavior modification - 5/5/2009 1:40:35 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

Bita... I really don't mean this to sound adversarial.  These are just the thoughts that came to mind when reading your post.


It doesn't sound adversarial at all. :) You raise some good points.

quote:

I will admit that I am personally not too crazy about the idea of putting up walls or barriers of any kind between life partners. 


Me either, actually but in this case, the smaller wall is being built right in front of a bigger one to give me a leg up and over it. Like a stepping stool helps you reach that top shelf in the kitchen.

quote:

 But aside from that, I guess I'd have to ask if, when you became his wife, did you take his last name? 


One of the reasons he wanted to marry me was to 'mark' me with his name, so, yes, I did.

quote:

 If so, what did you do to remember what your own new name was?


Well, it took a while! It's akin to the changing of the New Year. When we first got into 2009, I still wrote 2008 on almost everything for a few weeks and I still write the date wrong on occasion because over here they write day, month, year instead of month, day, year like we do in the states. That really sucks when you think the milk is expired so you throw it out then realize your milk didn't expire on April 5th, but rather May 4th! ::laughs:: It took me a few months of writing my old name before I finally got used to writing my new name.

quote:

(Not to say that I didn't slip up occasionally, but generally I didn't have any issues remembering my own new name after I got married because it was something I really wanted and embraced.  That also applied to going back to my maiden name after 22 years of marriage.)
 
Getting married wasn't something I really wanted to do, but now that I am, I'm okay with it. That's probably why it took me a little longer.

quote:

I mean, it sounds as if you haven't had any problems remembering to call him "sir" when in BDSM venues.  Could it be that you subconsciously prefer to keep your roles separate? 


Maybe. When we first got together, I didn't call him anything but Sir, BDSM venue or not. It was after we had moved in and been living together for a few years that I started calling him 'babe' most of the time when we were at home. He likes the term but not at the expense of the dynamic. Actually, there's not really a maybe about it. I think I've consciencously tried to keep them separate and only ran into some trouble when I attempted to juxtopose the two ideas and wasn't all that successful when the one thing (wife) took the power over the other (slave). Did that make any sense?

quote:

If so, it could cause you difficulty with forgetfulness and hinder your progress in reaching your goal.



Definitely something to keep in mind and think about. Thanks Treasure and please send my fond regard to Firm. :)

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to TreasureKY)
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RE: Old dog, new trick-behavior modification - 5/5/2009 1:42:39 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

*pictures Bita snapping a rubber band and getting all giggly*







_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Old dog, new trick-behavior modification - 5/5/2009 1:43:04 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		tease ;) 

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to BitaTruble)
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RE: Old dog, new trick-behavior modification - 5/5/2009 5:49:03 AM   
Interesdom


Posts: 197
Joined: 5/24/2004
From: England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: catize
With a picture of him in front of you, write Sir 25 times and say it out loud.  Do this daily for awhile.


I like scripts and find that they can work well and thoroughly.  To get a more comprehensive script for this, you need to think of all those aspects - especially those that have emotional value to you - where you have been used to calling him babe.  Examples:
  • While 'Sir' has been the man dressed to go out, 'babe' has been the man you wake up with each day.  So one line of your script could be "I wake up with Sir every day."
  • If 'Sir' is the man in company with others while 'babe' is the private man, another script line could be "Sir is the man I talk to in private."
With at least ten (probably no more than thirty) of these lines, read them out loud to yourself at least three times during each day.  In the back of your mind, as you read the word 'Sir' be aware of his authority over you and your deference to him (or however your dynamic works).  This repetition, hearing your own voice make these statements, will train your mind so that not only the word changes but the very meaning of what you are saying when you address him.

(in reply to catize)
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