Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

bottom or sub?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> bottom or sub? Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
bottom or sub? - 2/4/2006 1:57:19 AM   
naughtynick


Posts: 207
Joined: 1/20/2006
Status: offline 		As I'm just new to this scene and never met any BDSM people in person. Do many tops exist? I mean women tops? I go through profiles on here and I never see the word (top) used. When a woman demands a sub and not a slave can it also be defined as a top in some ways? What makes me hesitate the most about joining BDSM groups in person is I don't feel confident enough to express what I want in the right words. I feel confident doing my fantasy but not confident in explaining it to people in person. When meeting people in BDSM groups should I describe myself as a sub?


What words should I use? how should I approach it to a mistress? I am a person who likes things being done to me such as torture, but I am not the type that does house work.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: bottom or sub? - 2/4/2006 2:15:01 AM   
seaturtle50


Posts: 382
Joined: 12/28/2005
Status: offline 		Why not find a local munch in your area and just go and meet some people. It is an informal gathering (non scene) and you will find them to be really friendly.

You do not need to reherse what to say. You only need to be yourself. It is really the same as meeting people anywhere. All that is required is that you be a human being.

The conversation, will likely take it's own natural course, and you will be hard pressed to tell who is a Dom/me or a sub. Some Dom/me will probably be designated to take newcomers under the wing - and they will help you to feel comfortable, introduce you, and are a good source to answer your questions.

Now, what do you really want?

st50

_____________________________

i want to be your ... #1 lowest common denominator.

Destiny happens in a moment ... in the blink of an eye.

(in reply to naughtynick)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: bottom or sub? - 2/4/2006 2:22:20 AM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline
Many people use the words top and Dominant to mean the same thing. I do not consider them to be so.

To me, a Top or bottom is someone who is in the SM scene. They enjoy sensations (pain) and the entire session is about creating or enjoying the pain created. The control of that person doesn't last outside of the session.

A Dom/me and sub take that control outside of the bedroom. There are a lot more rules (personal to each couple) and consequences for breaking those rules.

My husband once posted a topic on the difference between sub and bottom. http://www.collarchat.com/m_82493/mpage_1/key_bottom/tm.htm#82493 There are some very good opinions on it.

And now the bad part.. you still have to figure out what you are. It took me years to figure out that the best way to describe myself was a Maternal Dominant. I'm also a Top. At times, I'm a bitch. It all depends upon when you ask me. Quit getting so hung up on labels. You don't have to know this very minute. Matter of fact, you're more likely to understand more about yourself when you see what is out there. Go to a munch. http://au.groups.yahoo.com/group/BrisbaneDS/ sounds like a decent group. Brisbane also has several other places that look worth your time to check out. Enjoy your journey!

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/brisbanesubs/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/brisnews/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/KinkyBrisbane/
http://www.hellfireclub.com.au/

oh.. yeah.. and since munches sound scary, go read http://ncbdsm.tripod.com/jw/jmunch1.htm

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to naughtynick)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: bottom or sub? - 2/4/2006 4:03:58 AM   
naughtynick


Posts: 207
Joined: 1/20/2006
Status: offline 		Hey, thank you both for the information. Well for what Beachmystress said, I guess I should consider myself only as a bottom and not a sub. It confuses me in this web site how you only have the choice to say sub in your profile.

But anyway, I am a bottom because I only like to do this type of thing in the bedroom and not elsewhere. But there is no limit to how long this session will go for, of course, there is only a possible amount of time that this type of thing can be done. A person gave me the idea of diapers before. Even that I don't get turned on of the thought of wearing a diaper but in long term situations this can come handy I guess lol.

If I ever get in a relationship with someone, I don't want BDSM to hijack the relationship. I just want BDSM play when the time is right. Just like how partners have ordinary sex. So that's another reason why I am definitely not a sub. But BDSM sessions can still go for days in this case. It all depends when my partner feels like it. I also want a proper romantic relationship that most partners have.

For a no strings situation, well anything goes I guess.



(in reply to BeachMystress)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: bottom or sub? - 2/4/2006 4:07:12 AM   
naughtynick


Posts: 207
Joined: 1/20/2006
Status: offline 		By the way, thanks heaps for them links. I am in a couple of Brisbane yahoo groups, but I am hesitating to take it further and meet. Partly coz I am embarressed of my fantasy and I dont know how to express it properly to people. But you were a great help to what you said Thank you

That thread link you gave me to is a great help. I am still half way throught it.

(in reply to naughtynick)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: bottom or sub? - 2/4/2006 4:48:04 AM   
MsSonnetMarwood


Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline 		If you're going through looking for someone to identify as top or bottom rather than dominant or sub, keep in mind CM doesn't offer those as options to identify as.

Just like they don't put in an option to identify as single/married/involved. Grr.

_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to naughtynick)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: bottom or sub? - 2/4/2006 5:56:17 AM   
Smythe


Posts: 369
Joined: 12/31/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: naughtynick


If I ever get in a relationship with someone, I don't want BDSM to hijack the relationship. I just want BDSM play when the time is right. Just like how partners have ordinary sex. So that's another reason why I am definitely not a sub. But BDSM sessions can still go for days in this case. It all depends when my partner feels like it. I also want a proper romantic relationship that most partners have.

For a no strings situation, well anything goes I guess.





naughty nick,

My Dominant/submissive relationship is quite romantic in many traditional ways. My control does extend outside of the bedroom. But I just want to clarify for you that romance and Ds are not mutually exclusive. There is no one right way to enjoy The Thing That We Do :)

best
Smythe




_____________________________

Do not consider painful what is good for you.
Euripides

(in reply to naughtynick)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: bottom or sub? - 2/4/2006 6:19:27 AM   
DianeB


Posts: 166
Joined: 1/30/2006
Status: offline 		In a female to male strapon relationship the male is considered the bottom.

(in reply to Smythe)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: bottom or sub? - 2/4/2006 1:11:09 PM   
naughtynick


Posts: 207
Joined: 1/20/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Smythe

quote:

ORIGINAL: naughtynick


If I ever get in a relationship with someone, I don't want BDSM to hijack the relationship. I just want BDSM play when the time is right. Just like how partners have ordinary sex. So that's another reason why I am definitely not a sub. But BDSM sessions can still go for days in this case. It all depends when my partner feels like it. I also want a proper romantic relationship that most partners have.

For a no strings situation, well anything goes I guess.





naughty nick,

My Dominant/submissive relationship is quite romantic in many traditional ways. My control does extend outside of the bedroom. But I just want to clarify for you that romance and Ds are not mutually exclusive. There is no one right way to enjoy The Thing That We Do :)

best
Smythe






That is true what you said. I guess I am still very young and I wont know what I will exactly want until I get out there and see it all in person. Other people have told me, once I join the scene in person I will most probably start getting fetishes for things that I never thought I would do in a million years before hand.

(in reply to Smythe)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: bottom or sub? - 2/4/2006 1:12:41 PM   
naughtynick


Posts: 207
Joined: 1/20/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DianeB

In a female to male strapon relationship the male is considered the bottom.


For me, I only get turned on doing anal if it's forced.

(in reply to DianeB)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: bottom or sub? - 2/4/2006 1:37:59 PM   
DianeB


Posts: 166
Joined: 1/30/2006
Status: offline 		I force my sub to take huge strapons.

(in reply to naughtynick)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: bottom or sub? - 2/4/2006 1:52:24 PM   
naughtynick


Posts: 207
Joined: 1/20/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DianeB

I force my sub to take huge strapons.



haha ouchies. There are questions I would like to ask about doing anal actually. I know how people have to start off with smaller didlos or strap ons and slowly work up to bigger while your ass gets looser. Can it do permanent damage if you shove a strap on up there that is too big for your ass to handle?

Or a person that has a virgin ass and the first time he or she had fisting done to them.

(in reply to DianeB)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: bottom or sub? - 2/4/2006 2:04:49 PM   
DianeB


Posts: 166
Joined: 1/30/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: naughtynick

quote:

ORIGINAL: DianeB

I force my sub to take huge strapons.



haha ouchies. There are questions I would like to ask about doing anal actually. I know how people have to start off with smaller didlos or strap ons and slowly work up to bigger while your ass gets looser. Can it do permanent damage if you shove a strap on up there that is too big for your ass to handle?

Or a person that has a virgin ass and the first time he or she had fisting done to them.

quote:

Page: [1]


I always start with a small (5" or 6") strapon/dildo, then as soon as I feel him getting loose i go up to a 7" or 8".

< Message edited by DianeB -- 2/4/2006 2:05:30 PM >

(in reply to naughtynick)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: bottom or sub? - 2/4/2006 2:32:11 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: naughtynick

As I'm just new to this scene and never met any BDSM people in person. Do many tops exist? I mean women tops? I go through profiles on here and I never see the word (top) used. When a woman demands a sub and not a slave can it also be defined as a top in some ways? What makes me hesitate the most about joining BDSM groups in person is I don't feel confident enough to express what I want in the right words. I feel confident doing my fantasy but not confident in explaining it to people in person. When meeting people in BDSM groups should I describe myself as a sub?


What words should I use? how should I approach it to a mistress? I am a person who likes things being done to me such as torture, but I am not the type that does house work.



I'd say the best place to find a sensation or SM partner is in person for a couple of reasons.

When you know someone its easier to say what you are looking for.

Sensation and SM can be best judged by seeing that other person in action -- does that top have the skill with a flogger for example.

A good place to meet folks more interested in the physical side of things (which is where I personal put the top and bottom terms) is at workshops and how-to demos. They are there to learn and to share their knowledge. Another good place is a play party or a dungeon.

Meetings at munches or other events of course will in general help you meet people but to find a good top, I'd want to see what a top could do.

I define myself primarily as a dominant but I have had strictly top/bottom friendships where I and the other person really like doing a particular activity and could share that without the Ds stuff -- it was never romantic or sexual though. The best example of this in my life is a partner who loved knives and I wanted more practice with mine. He'd come over, we'd do some knife play for an hour or so then he'd take me out for a milkshake.

I think this board is more heavily geared toward the Ds crowd given the labels you can apply to yourself on the profiles.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to naughtynick)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: bottom or sub? - 2/4/2006 2:49:58 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: naughtynick

quote:

ORIGINAL: DianeB

In a female to male strapon relationship the male is considered the bottom.


For me, I only get turned on doing anal if it's forced.


What do you mean by forced? Kidnapped, held down against your will, legs spread and ass lubed up with fingers/latex gloves, then a strap on cock driving it home? Or forced -- as in, it's not *your* idea (even though, really, it already is your idea, isn't it?)

Defining whether or not you are submissive/bottom is less important as defining what you feel and what your expectations are, and how you will relate to women in relationships. There are so many definitions floating around.

Some people would classify me as merely "kinky" or just a "top." I don't strive for the title "lifestyle femdom" because to me it lessens my identity in all the other things I cherish in my life: I'm a wife, a sister, a best friend, a corporate executive, a volunteer, a daughter, etc. Those are my *labels*. I don't need my kink to be a label, it doesn't define me, define my social circles, define my social dynamics or define my life.

Do I ever go a single day without having a *kinky* thought in my head that has something to do with restraining a man, seducing or teasing/denying a man, etc? Nope -- not really.

Do I ever kiss or express lust or sensuality without a twinge of dominance, control, aggression? Never.

Do I make most of the decisions in my relationship? Yeah, but my partner has equal say in everything because I respect and value his opinion.

In an argument, who wins? I usually do.

Is my man pussywhipped? Hell no!

Does he feel the need to ask my "permission" to do things? As a courtesy, yes. To get his dick hard? Not a chance.

We have a very normal relationship in most aspects, but I am incredibly kinky both in the bedroom and simply in the ways I express affection and desire. I don't switch, I don't want to be on the bottom, and I like to be very demanding when it comes to my pleasure and my sexuality. My man is not oppressed however, and he is welcome to initiate sex, tease me and do all the other things male lovers do.

Taking this all into consideration, I don't know/care what label that would make me. I'm not a straight-sadist, I don't like "flogging" or whipping or caning just for the sake of doing it. I love bondage, I love using my strap on and I love leather/latex and all things fetishy.

I do have plenty of "Vanilla sex" because it feels damn good; but you can bet I'm having kinky thoughts, pulling his hair, manhandling him, shoving my fingers into his mouth or talking dirty the whole time.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to naughtynick)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: bottom or sub? - 2/4/2006 4:30:14 PM   
naughtynick


Posts: 207
Joined: 1/20/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

quote:

ORIGINAL: naughtynick

quote:

ORIGINAL: DianeB

In a female to male strapon relationship the male is considered the bottom.


For me, I only get turned on doing anal if it's forced.


What do you mean by forced? Kidnapped, held down against your will, legs spread and ass lubed up with fingers/latex gloves, then a strap on cock driving it home? Or forced -- as in, it's not *your* idea (even though, really, it already is your idea, isn't it?)

Defining whether or not you are submissive/bottom is less important as defining what you feel and what your expectations are, and how you will relate to women in relationships. There are so many definitions floating around.

Some people would classify me as merely "kinky" or just a "top." I don't strive for the title "lifestyle femdom" because to me it lessens my identity in all the other things I cherish in my life: I'm a wife, a sister, a best friend, a corporate executive, a volunteer, a daughter, etc. Those are my *labels*. I don't need my kink to be a label, it doesn't define me, define my social circles, define my social dynamics or define my life.

Do I ever go a single day without having a *kinky* thought in my head that has something to do with restraining a man, seducing or teasing/denying a man, etc? Nope -- not really.

Do I ever kiss or express lust or sensuality without a twinge of dominance, control, aggression? Never.

Do I make most of the decisions in my relationship? Yeah, but my partner has equal say in everything because I respect and value his opinion.

In an argument, who wins? I usually do.

Is my man pussywhipped? Hell no!

Does he feel the need to ask my "permission" to do things? As a courtesy, yes. To get his dick hard? Not a chance.

We have a very normal relationship in most aspects, but I am incredibly kinky both in the bedroom and simply in the ways I express affection and desire. I don't switch, I don't want to be on the bottom, and I like to be very demanding when it comes to my pleasure and my sexuality. My man is not oppressed however, and he is welcome to initiate sex, tease me and do all the other things male lovers do.

Taking this all into consideration, I don't know/care what label that would make me. I'm not a straight-sadist, I don't like "flogging" or whipping or caning just for the sake of doing it. I love bondage, I love using my strap on and I love leather/latex and all things fetishy.

I do have plenty of "Vanilla sex" because it feels damn good; but you can bet I'm having kinky thoughts, pulling his hair, manhandling him, shoving my fingers into his mouth or talking dirty the whole time.

Akasha



AAkasha, I would have to say your boyfriend is a very lucky man. I love being a bottom and I like trying new things that achieves the tops needs. For me, I think it's more important in a way to satisfy the tops needs than mine. What's the point being in this situation if the top could not do what she wishes? and if the top is not turned on? If the top does not get turned on, I don't feel the need to get turned on. Of course I have limits but I am guessing these limits are set for most people. For example, scat, animal, kids and so on.

Anyway, I would like a relationship that is ordinary like most people, that is loving and equal to each other. I like to use BDSM in a way of doing it like how partners have ordinary sex, you just do it when the time is right. But the domme chooses what times these sessions will take place, I don't. I don't also have a choice to say no over it.

Back to your question which I will quote

What do you mean by forced? Kidnapped, held down against your will, legs spread and ass lubed up with fingers/latex gloves, then a strap on cock driving it home? Or forced -- as in, it's not *your* idea (even though, really, it already is your idea, isn't it?

Yes, I mean kidnapped, held against my will, legs tied spread etc. Even that it is an idea that I suggest. The point is that I would not get turned on doing it myself. I would get a little turned on if a woman did it to me and I had choice to say stop or slow down. But the thrill I seek is having no choice at all, no matter how intense it is.


Thank you for your comment anyway, you seem like the perfect kind for me

(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: bottom or sub? - 2/4/2006 5:14:39 PM   
seaturtle50


Posts: 382
Joined: 12/28/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Do I ever go a single day without having a *kinky* thought in my head that has something to do with restraining a man, seducing or teasing/denying a man, etc? Nope -- not really.

Do I ever kiss or express lust or sensuality without a twinge of dominance, control, aggression? Never.

Do I make most of the decisions in my relationship? Yeah, but my partner has equal say in everything because I respect and value his opinion.

In an argument, who wins? I usually do.

Is my man pussywhipped? Hell no!

Does he feel the need to ask my "permission" to do things? As a courtesy, yes. To get his dick hard? Not a chance.

We have a very normal relationship in most aspects, but I am incredibly kinky both in the bedroom and simply in the ways I express affection and desire. I don't switch, I don't want to be on the bottom, and I like to be very demanding when it comes to my pleasure and my sexuality. My man is not oppressed however, and he is welcome to initiate sex, tease me and do all the other things male lovers do.

Taking this all into consideration, I don't know/care what label that would make me. I'm not a straight-sadist, I don't like "flogging" or whipping or caning just for the sake of doing it. I love bondage, I love using my strap on and I love leather/latex and all things fetishy.

I do have plenty of "Vanilla sex" because it feels damn good; but you can bet I'm having kinky thoughts, pulling his hair, manhandling him, shoving my fingers into his mouth or talking dirty the whole time.

Akasha


Stop making me fall in love with You, please

st50

< Message edited by seaturtle50 -- 2/4/2006 5:15:51 PM >

_____________________________

i want to be your ... #1 lowest common denominator.

Destiny happens in a moment ... in the blink of an eye.

(in reply to naughtynick)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: bottom or sub? - 2/4/2006 5:15:22 PM   
GoddessDustyGold


Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline 		You're a bottom. Told you that before in the other thread that ended up getting pulled. Haven't changed My mind.
Take the step and go to a meet & greet, a munch, a party, anything. Just be patient about getting your fantasy fulfilled within a certain time limit or you think you are wasting your time and money. You need to get to know people, and they need to get to know you. Your fantasy is not anything embarrassing. And, quite frankly, the general gist of it, is much more common than you seem to realize.
Just be nice. Be pleasant. Be witty. And don't glom onto folks with the idea that if you share your fantasy often enough, you will get it fed faster. And you might learn more about WIITWD and actually find out that there is more going on here than the kink.

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom


(in reply to naughtynick)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: bottom or sub? - 2/4/2006 5:58:45 PM   
naughtynick


Posts: 207
Joined: 1/20/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessDustyGold

You're a bottom. Told you that before in the other thread that ended up getting pulled. Haven't changed My mind.
Take the step and go to a meet & greet, a munch, a party, anything. Just be patient about getting your fantasy fulfilled within a certain time limit or you think you are wasting your time and money. You need to get to know people, and they need to get to know you. Your fantasy is not anything embarrassing. And, quite frankly, the general gist of it, is much more common than you seem to realize.
Just be nice. Be pleasant. Be witty. And don't glom onto folks with the idea that if you share your fantasy often enough, you will get it fed faster. And you might learn more about WIITWD and actually find out that there is more going on here than the kink.


Thanks for your advice Goddessdusty, I am actually keeping an eye out for the next munch or gathering in a yahoo group. I would like to thank everyone who has helped me. This has taught me more about myself and how I should express my needs. These chats have made me feel more confident about facing up to people in person instead of hiding behind a computer screen wondering how I can express myself without making people misunderstanding me or getting offended.

cheers to everyone

May I ask what does WIITWD mean?

(in reply to GoddessDustyGold)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: bottom or sub? - 2/4/2006 6:11:12 PM   
DianeB


Posts: 166
Joined: 1/30/2006
Status: offline 		ny

I hope you find what you're looking for.


D

(in reply to naughtynick)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> bottom or sub? Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.281