RE: Changing for you. (Full Version)

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littlewonder -> RE: Changing for you. (5/7/2009 6:45:26 PM)

No never had that happen but I've had lots of subs and switches say they'd be my Dom/me.

Then again I simply tend to date men who are dominant in personality. I don't look at people as "vanilla" or "bdsm".



marysdream -> RE: Changing for you. (5/7/2009 7:19:54 PM)

i told a guy that i was seeing , that i was a sub...after a barrage of questions he appeared interested, although i have come to realize that with him the sex and eroticism is what the appeal was/is..so for me it just did not work that he could not see this a a lifestyle that after discovery chose me! i told him anyone can play but not everyone can live this as an integrate part of their life.
ree 



kitastrophe33 -> RE: Changing for you. (5/7/2009 7:58:17 PM)

quote:

Two conditions are vital for the "usual" conversion of vanilla to D/s or BDSM. 
First, "susceptability":  the seeds of the Dom/sub or Master/slave have to be there.  It is unlikely to happen to people who "just don't have it in them".
Secondly, a vector:  there comes into a susceptable vanilla life a vector or carrier- that first person who taps into that susceptability to bring the interest to fruition.


Like Malaria! I think you're exactly right. And some of the best relationships I've ever had have come about from biting a susceptible victim!

I don't think that it's about changing who you are to be someone, so much as it's allowing someone else to show you who you are (or could be). The first isn't healthy or even possible really...but the second is one of the best things about a healthy relationship.



SlaveBlutarsky -> RE: Changing for you. (5/7/2009 8:27:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: tiinkerbell

No, I can not say that I have. I have seen other relationships though come unraveled for the simple reason that one/both thought that they could change, only to discover that they could not.

Allison


This, and I have and it's turned out badly in both cases.

I don't think going into any relationship planning on the other to change is a good idea or fair to either party. You should figure out if you can live with the person as they are without expectations of anything changing and go from there. Going forward expecting someone to change is setting yourself up for hurt, no matter what the others on this thread say. I would bet my left nut they are the exceptions to the rule.



greenearth21 -> RE: Changing for you. (5/7/2009 9:19:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WiseCracknSadist

Have you ever had a vanilla individual, who knew you were in the Lifestyle, swear to you they would change into a Dom or a sub to be with you?

What was your experience?



The person confused arrogance for dominance, which obviously didnt work.  From that experience I learned that I, as a sub do not have it in me to "teach" a man how to be dominant thus causing me to prefer experienced doms.  I also learned that it takes time, learning and practice/experience for someone who is tryign to acquire skills in the lifestyle to know or have an idea of what they are doing. I also learned that just because someone says they are dominant does not mean you'll mesh well, since both parties have their preferences in their specific needs (or specific roles they need their partner to posess or bring to the relationship)



missturbation -> RE: Changing for you. (5/8/2009 6:23:09 AM)

Yes many times.
Unfortunately none of them really understood BDSM enough to make that promise.



Interesdom -> RE: Changing for you. (5/8/2009 9:11:56 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WiseCracknSadist
Have you ever had a vanilla individual, who knew you were in the Lifestyle, swear to you they would change into a Dom or a sub to be with you?

What was your experience?

Not exactly that, no.  I have brought people into the lifestyle, however.

With one woman who was getting vaguely interested in me, I talked to her about D/s and let her look into it for herself - and she came back talking to me about M/s.  The relationship between us did not work but she is still involved with BDSM, and involved in ways that I will never be.

With another girl, I never talked to her about the lifestyle until I already had her dominated and, to help her when she wanted to express herself, I then explained some terminology and something of the psychology and ethos.  Then she discovered the whole BDSM thing on the Internet and regrettably got into the "way it should be done" and I lost her to some guy who did it "the twue way".  She left him after a few weeks and I have not talked to her for a while so don't know if she's still in the lifestyle.

I would not trust that someone could turn themselves into a sub, or especially a dom, at whim.  However, I would be willing to give someone the exposure to my own dominance and see how they respond to me and whether, with me, they could be submissive in the way I want.  Just because someone has been a 'sub' in the past does not mean that they could be submissive in the way I want, so why would I not give a chance to a vanilla woman who feels that it could be right for her?



janiebelle -> RE: Changing for you. (5/8/2009 10:10:51 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: greenearth21


The person confused arrogance for dominance, which obviously didnt work.  From that experience I learned that I, as a sub do not have it in me to "teach" a man how to be dominant thus causing me to prefer experienced doms.  I also learned that it takes time, learning and practice/experience for someone who is tryign to acquire skills in the lifestyle to know or have an idea of what they are doing. I also learned that just because someone says they are dominant does not mean you'll mesh well, since both parties have their preferences in their specific needs (or specific roles they need their partner to posess or bring to the relationship)


I've come to the same conclusion over the many years.  I am not interested in coming along on a "new" Dom's "voyage of self-discovery"; I want a Dom who is experienced and stable in His role.
j 



IrishMist -> RE: Changing for you. (5/8/2009 10:14:54 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: WiseCracknSadist

Have you ever had a vanilla individual, who knew you were in the Lifestyle, swear to you they would change into a Dom or a sub to be with you?

What was your experience?

I sent them on their way. I am not interested in changing anyone. I accept them as they are, they accept me as I am. Any other than that and everyone loses.



IronBear -> RE: Changing for you. (5/8/2009 10:34:09 AM)

I have several times and none of them have any interest in the BDSM area but developed a keen interest in either the D/s or M/s lifestyle. I have been a mentor to a couple and introduced  the others to good mentors. They appear to have turned out quite reasonably so far but time will tell. However someone who told me they wanted to change to actually join us at Bruin Cottage would need to have a good understanding of who and what we are and do. If I believe they are genuine I will invest time with them untill they can make an informed choice. 



Carnae7 -> RE: Changing for you. (5/8/2009 5:04:39 PM)

I'm experiencing something quite similar to this right now. I just met this guy on Plenty Of Fish, of all sites, and he read my profile where I said I had a wild side to me, and wanted a guy who had a wild side of his own. When he asked about this 'wildness' I told him I'm into BDSM.

I also said I wouldn't be happy with just a vanilla sex life, and then had to explain what 'vanilla' meant. but he said he really liked me in other ways and was willing to do this to be with me. LOL! And to his credit, he's really getting into it, and says he can't believe he's never been into this before. (He's 52 now!) But, he's loving it, and coming up with his own ideas and really broadening his definition of himself. He even put up a profile on Fetlife so he could learn more about the lifestyle.

Anyway, it's working so far, so we'll see what happens.



Andalusite -> RE: Changing for you. (5/11/2009 7:40:43 AM)

I've dated a few guys I've met through vanilla circumstances, and told them what I was interested in around the 3rd date. Several of them already had an interest in it, and a couple had some experience, but work working up the nerve to share it with me. Nobody freaked out on me, or turned me down over it. Since I'm a switch, and am happy with or without D/s, it's worked out pretty well. We'll try a few things on both sides of the whip, and they let me know what works and doesn't work for them. If a D/s relationship develops, great! When I was 20, the man who became my submissive for about 5 years told me that he was into getting tied up and spanked. I'd had some interest from reading (specifically "The Pearl," which is Victorian kinky erotica), but it was far too extreme to imagine actually doing. We took things slowly to start with, and it ramped up from there. [:D]



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