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Changing for you. - 5/7/2009 8:16:57 AM

WiseCracknSadist

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Have you ever had a vanilla individual, who knew you were in the Lifestyle, swear to you they would change into a Dom or a sub to be with you?

What was your experience?

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RE: Changing for you. - 5/7/2009 8:23:33 AM

leadership527

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Well, not exactly but maybe close depending on what you're actually asking.

Neither Carol nor I have any previous experience with this so we're both going from vanilla to something not exactly vanilla. In general, Carol is a LOT kinkier than me so she's working pretty aggressively at perverting me. Overall, it's going very well. The bottom line is that when two competent and capable people make a decision to be compatible, then they are almost certainly going to find some win-win outcome.

I suspect, though, that at the beginning of a relationship, there may not be sufficient reasons to make it all happen. Carol & I Have 15 years together... 15 good years for the most part... plenty of incentive to want to find that win-win.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: Changing for you. - 5/7/2009 8:23:44 AM

HalloweenWhite

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This hasn't happened to Me personally but there've been times I wish it had!.

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RE: Changing for you. - 5/7/2009 8:28:22 AM

breatheasone

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WiseCracknSadist

Have you ever had a vanilla individual, who knew you were in the Lifestyle, swear to you they would change into a Dom or a sub to be with you?

What was your experience?

No, i unfortunately have not. Hopefully you and your willing partner will have fun growing together. Just incorporate it slowly, take what fits.... leave what doesn't feel right for Y'all, and it should be good.

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
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RE: Changing for you. - 5/7/2009 8:29:57 AM

ranja

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i suspect i am sort of in Carols shoes, we have 18 years together mostly good

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RE: Changing for you. - 5/7/2009 8:35:31 AM

tiinkerbell

Posts: 96
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quote:

ORIGINAL: WiseCracknSadist

Have you ever had a vanilla individual, who knew you were in the Lifestyle, swear to you they would change into a Dom or a sub to be with you?

What was your experience?

No, I can not say that I have. I have seen other relationships though come unraveled for the simple reason that one/both thought that they could change, only to discover that they could not.

Allison

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- Some People walk in the rain; others just get wet -
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RE: Changing for you. - 5/7/2009 8:44:05 AM

slavekal

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Yes, and she did it! I told her about my interests in an effort to push her away. She experimented with me a bit. In the meantime, I met someone else, so I lost contact with the lady. A year later, she wrote me a letter thanking her for turning her on to a lifestyle that fit her perfectly. She told me that she would never go back to living a vanilla life. I was floored. I met her when we were teenagers. Funny to think that I could have married the girl I took to the prom and been happy for life. Who knew?

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RE: Changing for you. - 5/7/2009 9:09:54 AM

RavenMuse

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If it isn't who the person IS at heart then it doesn't work. Living a lie isn't a healthy option not for them nor for the person they are with.

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And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

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RE: Changing for you. - 5/7/2009 9:39:56 AM

DesFIP

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Weren't we all new and inexperienced first once?

I wasn't looking for a d/s relationship. I didn't even know what that was. I was looking for a bondage top. He was looking for a bondage bottom since he'd given up on finding a compatible sub. He was happily surprised to discover I was submissive and I was happily surprised to discover that I could have a relationship that didn't leave me feeling used and unappreciated.

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RE: Changing for you. - 5/7/2009 9:44:44 AM

leadership527

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse
If it isn't who the person IS at heart then it doesn't work. Living a lie isn't a healthy option not for them nor for the person they are with.

*nods* I couldn't agree with this more. But "who I am" (or anyone) is a complicated question. I was never, to my knowledge dominant before now (not in the sense it's meant here). Carol wasn't a sub/slave. We have both grown into this. Yes, on one hand, the seeds of my dominance and her submission are easy to see in hindsight. On the other hand, those attributes were just raw material that has surely been refined greatly in the crucible of our master/slave relationship.

Had anyone said to me 2 years ago that I was going to be the Master of my wife... well... a) nobody would've said that and b) if they had, I'd have laughed uproariously.

Food for though.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: Changing for you. - 5/7/2009 9:55:46 AM

RealSub58

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WiseCracknSadist

Have you ever had a vanilla individual, who knew you were in the Lifestyle, swear to you they would change into a Dom or a sub to be with you?

What was your experience?

The concept of change for another person is like marrying them to change them.
And how can anyone swear to change into something they might not be?
I do see an issue ..... possible this person wants to be with you because there is some compatability and you have refused because they are not dominant enough for you?
I would try Jeff and Carol's suggestion.
Compatable people who love and care and share enough to try something different in their lives.

< Message edited by RealSub58 -- 5/7/2009 9:57:12 AM >

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RE: Changing for you. - 5/7/2009 10:03:12 AM

leadership527

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To RealSub:

Excellent points.. It is certainly true that I married Carol long before this. And it is also true that as much as I like having her as my slavegirl, that it not a precondition on our marriage. I want HER, not some particular flavor of her. So in the end, had we tried and it didn't work out... no harm, no foul. I also suspect strongly that the fact that Carol knows that she is not obligated to be my slave in order to keep me happy as her husband goes a long way to making the whole thing palatable to her.

I'd have to think long and hard if the only relationship type I could manage was Master/slave and some proposed partner wasn't already that. Of course, that line of thinking has some issues when considered over durations of decades. What if I don't want to be a Master in 30 years? What if she doesn't want to be a slave? People change which is why I try to allow for as much flexibility in my relationships as I can manage and still be satisfied msyelf.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: Changing for you. - 5/7/2009 11:05:56 AM

Fitznicely

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My ex is seriously pissed that I never told her what a perv I am

. Does that count?

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RE: Changing for you. - 5/7/2009 11:18:26 AM

janiebelle

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Joined: 4/29/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Weren't we all new and inexperienced first once?

So true. I believe that, for the most part (with exceptions like Jeff and Carol), the lifestyle is "contagious". Two conditions are vital for the "usual" conversion of vanilla to D/s or BDSM.
First, "susceptability": the seeds of the Dom/sub or Master/slave have to be there. It is unlikely to happen to people who "just don't have it in them".
Secondly, a vector: there comes into a susceptable vanilla life a vector or carrier- that first person who taps into that susceptability to bring the interest to fruition.
And then, the kinkster is born.
j

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RE: Changing for you. - 5/7/2009 11:37:58 AM

Fluke

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Not really, but my ex tried to convince me he could change, since I was leaving him because we weren't compatible in that area.

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RE: Changing for you. - 5/7/2009 12:30:19 PM

pinkwind

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Thankfully no, i haven't, and nor would i entertain the idea that anyone could or should try to alter their core wiring just to suit a situation, even one of building a relationship, because i don't think it could work and the recriminations could be horrible.

Anyone who thinks they could change to such a degree is, frankly, delusional, and should never be encouraged. But that is just my opinion, YMMV!

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From Each According To His Abilities, To Each According To His Needs.

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RE: Changing for you. - 5/7/2009 12:34:53 PM

YourhandMyAss

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No I have not, and if they did I would turn them down, because to me you're either already inclined to be a Dominant or a submissive, or not. It's not something someonee can just call into being one day and expect to work.

quote:

ORIGINAL: WiseCracknSadist

Have you ever had a vanilla individual, who knew you were in the Lifestyle, swear to you they would change into a Dom or a sub to be with you?

What was your experience?

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RE: Changing for you. - 5/7/2009 3:56:57 PM

Jeptha

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From: Portland, Oregon
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quote:

ORIGINAL: WiseCracknSadist

Have you ever had a vanilla individual, who knew you were in the Lifestyle, swear to you they would change into a Dom or a sub to be with you?

What was your experience?

I have experienced something like that, and it was nice, but I wouldn't seek it out again.

My experience was that the energy is more diffuse. Instead of reinforcement that is direct and pointed, it is more general.

Part of the thing is that I don't really have any interest in dragging someone someplace where they don't really wish to go.

When they want you to do whatever you want, but they have no wants themselves, then it's a little like just one engine running the plane - however lovely the passenger may be.

When you have two people with similar desires, it's more like two engines running the plane. The feedback loop helps fuel things and there's a little more energy there.

Of course, it all depends on what you're into and how important it is to you that your partner has similar ideas and interests.

_____________________________

...YOU KNOW HOW I LIKE MY PORK CHOPS!
- - - - - - -
"....(somewhere) therein lies the truthiness..."
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RE: Changing for you. - 5/7/2009 5:30:01 PM

DavanKael

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Imo, power dynamics exist in all relationships. I do not think it would be very difficult at all for 2 people mutually committed to one anothers' happiness to play up those dynamics. Now, that may not be everyones' dream of bdsm relating but synergistic interrelating is pivotal to the on-going health and maintenance of a relationship and those within it.
Davan

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May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

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Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
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RE: Changing for you. - 5/7/2009 6:40:32 PM

oceanwinds

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I was 55 when I first heard of BDSM. My friend was always in this lifestyle. He consider going vanilla for me, but i had a fascination with the whole concept of submission. I knew what he wanted and what he could not accept, so I accepted what he needed on his terms. 3 years later and I am still accepting things on his terms. Was it difficult? Yes, in some areas. Would I do it over again? For him, yes, I would! Will I ever consider going into another Ds relationship or will I want to go back to vanilla? I don't know. I not so anti vanilla. It worked well for me for 29 years. I take each relationship for what it is, not what lifestyle they offer. There are few things that would determine if I would get involved with someone or not. They must have tolerance for how I believe and they cannot be a Christian seeking to convert people especially me. Then there has to be a connection period.

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I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

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