Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

please some advice


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> please some advice Page: [1]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
please some advice - 5/8/2009 3:53:47 AM   
specialheart


Posts: 2
Joined: 5/8/2009
Status: offline 		i have been with my Dom/boyfriend for several years now.  We live apart and i have his little boy.  see each other about once per week.  its started off as a D's type relationship with kink.  About 18months ago he was talking about us living together, me as slave, and at another point another Dom man joining us as poly.  There seemed to be a grey area with  if he was going to give me to him and we would be over or if i was going to have two Doms.  The grey area either seemed to be either that he did not want to let on or that he at that stage had not decided which it was going to be.  Then soon after i was told we were going to have a vanilla break (still kink but no D's and no rules apart from i was to be sexually faithful).  i was told this freedom would not last long but that was over a year ago.  i have asked on several ocassions if this part of our relationship could be established but he just changes the subject.

if i ever mention what he said about us living together or the other man he will say he never said that in the first place.  it is clear he doesnt want to discuss it - i have tried discussing it lots of times but he will never back down.  so now i am left wondering if it was some sort of joke in the first place, or if the plans he had went pear shaped.  of course there could have been another reason that he changed his mind about me.  i wish i knew what the real reason was.

Now i found out he has been still having sex with his ex when i thought it was over.  i got talking to her,  seems he was not seeing her a great deal more  than he was me - apart from that he takes her out places sometimes.  She was more his own age whilst i am much younger than he.  He never takes me out anywhere, i presumed the reason was because he was embarressed about the huge age gap between us.  perhaps he is a bit but also perhaps that he didint want his ex to find out about me.  When she found out about me she dumped him and said she doesnt want to know him anymore. 

i also found out that they were totally vanilla - she didnt know what BDSM meant.  Whilst he was cross about us talking he stilll wants a relationship with me, and was upset about how upset i was about it all.  i do stilll want a relationship with him too.  But what i really want to know is what he really wants... and he wont tell me, i know he finds talking difficult.  i dont know if he wants a vanilla girlfriend....live in vanilla partner or slave.... a part time D's or M's or what.  i can see clearly that what he may really want may not be what he wants with me.  For example if he really does want someone living under his roof ideally, me with three ums may not be his idea of a dream situation.  i am prepared to see that what he ideally wants might not work with me but unless i know what he wants from an ideal relationship i dont know how we can try to work on our relationship and i dont what to do to better myself for him.

From what i can see i was fulfilling sex and BDSM and she was fulfilling sex and vanilla, eg going out together.  i keep trying to see what his needs are... but dont know what direction to go

i have tried asking him lots of times what he wants and i never get anywhere, just feel like i am banging my head against a brick wall here.  please does anyone have any advice on the best way to talk and communicate effectively to him about his needs and wants?.  or any others suggestions about how i can find out what it is he needs and wants?.... or any advice at all would please be most welcome

thank you all so much
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: please some advice - 5/8/2009 3:59:30 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline
quote:

i can see clearly that what he may really want may not be what he wants with me.
i think you just answered your own question.

As much as it hurts, it is time to move on.


_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)


(in reply to specialheart)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: please some advice - 5/8/2009 4:14:51 AM   
Fitznicely


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline 		I think the common phrase is "Playa"?

Seriously, this guy will/has kept you emotionally on the edge for a long time. He's dodging the issue because he's happy with the status quo. The BDSM really isn't an issue, so much as his playing around.

He slots you in where it's convenient to him, avoids any conversation about commitment and keeps you hanging with scant promises of a life that would fulfil your happiest desires.

About the poly household, I'd say he got carried away with the fantasy and got the jitters when faced with the prospect of making it real...I can't criticise him for that, after all, who hasn't been guilty of that?

I recognise the commitment you have to him and I'm not trying to belittle that in any way, but as you'll appreciate, the one thing you'll get, asking for advice on a public forum is an appraisal of your situation from a different point of view.

I do apologise for being blunt, but I think you're missing the obvious when trying to pin down what his needs are. His needs are just what he's got. After this long,is it not obvious that he's not going to make a commitment to you, and that everything he says that makes you believe he will is designed to keep you where he wants you - at arm's length?

UM's aside, I'd love for you to move on from this guy and find PROPER happiness. That's the best advice I can give you.

_____________________________

I tell you this: No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn
Proud Owner of Darkmoonkat. Such a good girl!

(in reply to specialheart)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: please some advice - 5/8/2009 4:23:01 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		I suspect it's not so much what he wants (he already has that - sex with at least 2 different partners) as what he doesn't want - committment.  The more you push; the more he evades - a common indicator because no-one who wants sex on call is likely to be honest about committment.
 
And the poly thing just doesn't sound right at all, least not the way he was planning it.  I'm not into poly and am very dubious that it even works but usually when some horny dom wants a poly relationship, he ain't thinking of another male (and dom) to share the only fem/sub in the house! 
 
What it does sound like is that he was "grooming" the dom to keep you occupied with the D/s and he'd then just drift in and out when he wanted uncommitted sex.  And I'll bet dollars to dirt the idea fell through when the other dom cottoned on and said "fuck that!"
 
He may be much older than you chronologically but not with what motivates his actions.  If you think in terms of him being a horny little toad in an older man's body, you'll probably make a lot more sense out of the issues currently confusing you.  And stop asking for answers all the time - it amounts to incessant nagging when it's his body language that doesn't lie.  He only wants sex and at the times he chooses.
 
Unfortunately (for you), he'll likely die an old man looooong before he ever grows up.
 
Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to specialheart)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: please some advice - 5/8/2009 4:31:27 AM   
LadySweetOrSour


Posts: 1415
Joined: 3/21/2009
Status: offline 		I see lots and lots about his wants/needs/actions. I see little of your wants/needs/actions, or those of your son. This isn't just about you, this guy, this guys ex, blah, blah, blah, but also about your child. Is this a suitable and healthy environment for HIS needs?

I am not an advocate of buggering off out of it every time something goes wrong in a relationship, but after all this time, with all this evidence, does this seem a reasonable way of living for you? Can you see yourself doing this for another few years? Five years? Ten? Twenty? Do you see any reason to believe that this guy is suddenly going to see the light and do whats right for you and your son, as well as himself? From what you've said, I don't. As Fitz said, you and everyone else in this guys world are there when it's convenient for him. That isn't being a partner, its being a commodity. You and your son are human beings, not dolls. You can't be picked up put down. Maybe you could live that way, that's your choice, but I don't think your son should have to. That isn't his choice.

Sometimes all you can do is admit defeat. I know you have invested a huge amount of time and emotion in this relationship, but don't throw good after bad. If this man cannot, or will not, give you the basics of what any human being needs/wants, then he is not the man for you. Why waste more years of your life, waiting for something that may or may not happen? Life isn't that long.

I thnk you already know the answer to your questions, you just need the confidence to get through the next part. Hard as it is, and remember you have been conditioned to think you need this man, you CAN move on love. xx

(in reply to Fitznicely)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: please some advice - 5/8/2009 4:42:32 AM   
MoGa


Posts: 1001
Joined: 8/25/2008
From: Hellizona!
Status: offline 		Forgive me if this has been said already, but it seems to me, he IS communicating with you. He IS telling you what his needs are, by NOT saying anything to you. By not answering your questions, he is leaving it up to you to make the split. Pretty chicken shit, but true. He is eating his cake and having it too. As much as it may hurt, you have to let go and move on. It isn't about HIS needs or wants anymore. It is about YOURS. But more importantly, it is about what is good for your young ones. I say let him have his ex. You have to tell yourself that you are worth more than what he is not offering. Sometimes that is hard, God knows, I know. But if someone told you life wasn't hard, this is a great place to find out differently.
 
I wish you well.
 
MoGa

_____________________________


Founder Of My Own IN-Crowd
Lady H's Biggest Fan
DIVA *Per Cali*
The Other Bossy One *Per Tulip*
Official Pimpette

Music Is The Universal Language. Let's Communicate!

(in reply to LadySweetOrSour)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: please some advice - 5/8/2009 4:48:30 AM   
specialheart


Posts: 2
Joined: 5/8/2009
Status: offline 		so much good advice already... thank you everyone

(in reply to specialheart)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: please some advice - 5/8/2009 5:12:05 AM   
Cdub2U


Posts: 69
Joined: 9/20/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: specialheart

so much good advice already... thank you everyone


I hope you take it and move on!




_____________________________

"Free your mind and your ass will follow
the kingdom of heaven is within"
G. Clinton

"Can't you see, it all makes perfect sense
Expressed in Dollars and cents, Pounds shillings and pence"
R. Waters

(in reply to specialheart)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: please some advice - 5/8/2009 5:14:21 AM   
Cdub2U


Posts: 69
Joined: 9/20/2006
Status: offline 		........... 

Some advice from the legal side of my brain: "Get court ordered child support - NOW!"




_____________________________

"Free your mind and your ass will follow
the kingdom of heaven is within"
G. Clinton

"Can't you see, it all makes perfect sense
Expressed in Dollars and cents, Pounds shillings and pence"
R. Waters

(in reply to Cdub2U)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: please some advice - 5/8/2009 5:42:27 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadySweetOrSour

I see lots and lots about his wants/needs/actions. I see little of your wants/needs/actions, or those of your son. This isn't just about you, this guy, this guys ex, blah, blah, blah, but also about your child. Is this a suitable and healthy environment for HIS needs?



Agreed.

OP, there's more to this lifestyle than spanking and bondage.  There's also honoring commitments.

Your wannabe Dom is busy screwing anything that moves while ignoring his son.

Look for a REAL man, one who will care for things other than his own phallus.  And yes, get child support, as Cdub2U says.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to LadySweetOrSour)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: please some advice - 5/8/2009 8:05:29 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Many times there will be a post on the boards from someone in pain who is looking for an answer. It seems clear to the reader what the answer is and that the poster knows indeed what to do but it can be difficult in many ways to accept that this is the end of the road. I'm sorry that things turned out so far away from what you wanted but it's not going to change. It's obvious from the man's behaviour that he's had plenty of time to change and man up to his various responsibilities and he's not interested in doing it.

You know you are not being treated well, you know there is something wrong with this arrangement. You said so many things about what this man wants and not a word about yourself. You matter too. But...if you can't get what you want or need here with him then you have to look elsewhere- it's the only thing left. The situation with this man is going nowhere and he is telling you that by avoiding your questions.

(in reply to specialheart)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: please some advice - 5/9/2009 8:18:11 AM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		make sure you're getting child support no matter what the situation, if you do in fact have his child, and other than that, remember that people will only treat you the way that you allow them to treat you...

so, instead of asking a question that you'll never get an answer to, or playing this little game with him, why don't you dominate your own life and move on to bigger and better things?

(in reply to specialheart)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: please some advice - 5/9/2009 2:50:18 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Judge not by his words but by his deeds. He doesn't want a relationship with you, just a booty call. Move on.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to daddysliloneds)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: please some advice - 5/9/2009 4:05:24 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I suspect it's not so much what he wants (he already has that - sex with at least 2 different partners) as what he doesn't want - committment. The more you push; the more he evades - a common indicator because no-one who wants sex on call is likely to be honest about committment.

Since he is not here to give his part of the situation; I really can do much more than form a one sided opinion of what is going on.

With that said, IF things are really as you say they are; then I would have to agree with what Focus said here. It sounds like he is trying to evade any kind of committment.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: please some advice - 5/9/2009 4:06:56 PM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline 		So you have his child, he lies to you, ignores you when it suits him, goes back on promises, refuses to commit...

I have 2 questions and only you can answer them:

1. Do you really want to be with a person like that and could you trust him again?

2. Is he the role model you want for your son?

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to specialheart)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: please some advice - 5/10/2009 6:52:28 AM   
LovingMistress45


Posts: 271
Joined: 2/7/2009
Status: offline 		You asked for advice so here it is - get child support through the court if you don't already - if he is giving it without a court order now, get one anyway because I am sure he will change his mind when you aren't available.  That is part 2 - dump his sorry ass and get on with your life.  Find a real man (be it Dom or not) that you want to be with and that wants to be with you.

He DOES NOT want a relationship with you, if he did you would have one.  If he only sees you once a week, that means he only sees his child once a week.  Not a man I would want in my life.  I would not be with a sub/slave that had a child he only saw once a week unless there was a very good reason that he could not see the child more than that.  In your case that is not true, so he is choosing that.

Take care.

(in reply to LadyConstanze)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: please some advice - 5/10/2009 10:21:55 AM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline 		Okay.  i'm not a Master, but i will butt in and try answering this anyway.

quote:

ORIGINAL: specialheart

i have been with my Dom/boyfriend for several years now.  We live apart and i have his little boy.  see each other about once per week.  its started off as a D's type relationship with kink. 

So far so good.

quote:

ORIGINAL: specialheart

About 18months ago he was talking about us living together, me as slave, and at another point another Dom man joining us as poly.  There seemed to be a grey area with if he was going to give me to him and we would be over or if i was going to have two Doms.  The grey area either seemed to be either that he did not want to let on or that he at that stage had not decided which it was going to be. 

i'm not poly, but from what i've heard and read, there's usually not more than one Dom/me sharing one sub/slave.  It's usually the s types there are multiples of.

quote:

ORIGINAL: specialheart

Then soon after i was told we were going to have a vanilla break (still kink but no D's and no rules apart from i was to be sexually faithful).  i was told this freedom would not last long but that was over a year ago.  i have asked on several ocassions if this part of our relationship could be established but he just changes the subject.

He said it wouldn't last long, but it's been over a year.  i think i would've started wondering what was going on long before that.

quote:

ORIGINAL: specialheart
if i ever mention what he said about us living together or the other man he will say he never said that in the first place.  it is clear he doesnt want to discuss it - i have tried discussing it lots of times but he will never back down.  so now i am left wondering if it was some sort of joke in the first place, or if the plans he had went pear shaped.  of course there could have been another reason that he changed his mind about me.  i wish i knew what the real reason was.

i think deep down, you know what the real reason is.  He doesn't need to discuss it with You, as His actions speak louder than His words.  i'd already be thinking maybe He was trying to pass you off to another Dom because He doesn't want a D/s relationship with you anymore and He knows you do want that kind of relationship.

quote:

ORIGINAL: specialheart

Now i found out he has been still having sex with his ex when i thought it was over.  i got talking to her,  seems he was not seeing her a great deal more than he was me - apart from that he takes her out places sometimes.  She was more his own age whilst i am much younger than he.  He never takes me out anywhere, i presumed the reason was because he was embarressed about the huge age gap between us.  perhaps he is a bit but also perhaps that he didint want his ex to find out about me.  When she found out about me she dumped him and said she doesnt want to know him anymore. 

Aaah.  i thought maybe He was looking elsewhere.  She was right to dump Him.  i'm surprised you are still with Him.  i'd have dumped his ass too.  Remember when you mentioned poly earlier?  Well, poly is on the up and up.....not this sneaky shit that He's pulling.  He's just another man with flaming hotpants.

quote:

ORIGINAL: specialheart

i also found out that they were totally vanilla - she didnt know what BDSM meant.  Whilst he was cross about us talking he stilll wants a relationship with me, and was upset about how upset i was about it all.  i do stilll want a relationship with him too. 

Of course He didn't want the two of you talking.  He wants to keep the women he's "doing" secrets from each other.  i'm not trying to be insulting and i'm very VERY sorry to have to put it this way, but He needs a fucktoy.  His other fucktoy dumped Him.  What i can't understand is why you still want a relationship with Him, with His proven track record of lies and deceit.
 
quote:

ORIGINAL: specialheart
But what i really want to know is what he really wants... and he wont tell me, i know he finds talking difficult.  i dont know if he wants a vanilla girlfriend....live in vanilla partner or slave.... a part time D's or M's or what.  i can see clearly that what he may really want may not be what he wants with me.  For example if he really does want someone living under his roof ideally, me with three ums may not be his idea of a dream situation.  i am prepared to see that what he ideally wants might not work with me but unless i know what he wants from an ideal relationship i dont know how we can try to work on our relationship and i dont what to do to better myself for him.

What He really wants is to have His cake and eat it too.  He wants "variety" it would seem, imo.  Obviously to me, He does not want a live-in anything, with or without ums, or that would've happened by now.  Since He squelched the D/s in your relationship with Him some time ago & continued the vanilla sex with her, i'd say He's leaning toward vanilla. 
 
As for His dream situation, you said you have His um.  So i'd say that is part of the package deal, don't you think?  i think if He wanted a relationship with you at all, live-in or not, it would be going a lot more smoothly right now than it is.



quote:

ORIGINAL: specialheart

From what i can see i was fulfilling sex and BDSM and she was fulfilling sex and vanilla, eg going out together.  i keep trying to see what his needs are... but dont know what direction to go

What about your needs?  i think E/everyone here is giving you good advice, listen to it and use what you will.

quote:

ORIGINAL: specialheart
i have tried asking him lots of times what he wants and i never get anywhere, just feel like i am banging my head against a brick wall here.  please does anyone have any advice on the best way to talk and communicate effectively to him about his needs and wants?.  or any others suggestions about how i can find out what it is he needs and wants?.... or any advice at all would please be most welcome

thank you all so much

Well, He has already made it clear what He wants.  He doesn't really want a "relationship," He wants a fucktoy who doesn't mind Him having other fucktoys too.  One of the most important things though, is to think about getting COURT-ORDERED CHILD SUPPORT now, before He completely disappears from your life and you lose track of Him.  i could be wrong, but i think i see a disappearing act coming around the bend.
 
Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

~edited for spacing and spelling~

< Message edited by sweetsub1957 -- 5/10/2009 10:28:41 AM >

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to specialheart)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: please some advice - 5/10/2009 3:42:15 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		Forget about his needs, and focus on your own and your childrens'.

He's told you what's important to him, by his deeds. His actions say he cares about himself and his own needs, over anyone else's. Stop wasting your time caring about him. He doesn't deserve it.

Start caring more about yourself and your children. Your children need you to set a good example for them to follow. So get some self-esteem, please. For their sake and yours. So you'll quit letting yourself be treated badly. You deserve to be treated well, and they deserve a mother who insists on being treated well.

_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

(in reply to specialheart)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: please some advice - 5/10/2009 5:40:10 PM   
DeViLiVeD


Posts: 37
Joined: 1/5/2009
Status: offline 		Maybe he's just tired of the whole thing already. If he doesn't respond to you like he used to, then maybe he is just not worth it after all.

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)
Profile   Post #: 19
Page:   [1]
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> please some advice Page: [1]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.110