FourQ
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Black Ice
Aged 16, there I was on a 49cc mobilette. It was a year younger than I was, resembled a Honda 50 step through with pedals, bright orange and rusty but I didn't care. I had my independence from some very strict parents. The 17th November 1991 was mixed weather. We'd had a cold day and as night fell there was black ice everywhere. Most importantly on the roundabout to my parents estate. I'd had a wanker in a car tailgating me from my mate's house all the way back so decided not to slow down as much as I usually would for the roundabout, leaned over to a 45 degree angle and went down like the proverbial sack of spuds. Fortunately the car was going straight on as he'd have crushed me but it seems I was not to be injury free - my stupidity cost me a dislocated shoulder and a fractured wrist (didn't find out about that until the pain in my shoulder had subsided). I'd seen Lethal Weapon II and thought if Mel Gibson can relocate his shoulder by slamming it then I should be able to do the same. I'd picked up the little bike (not recommended with a dislocated limb), wheeled it to the nearest wall and bounced my shoulder off it. Fortunately it went in but not without a degree of pain. It still dislocates to this day.
Quick, the cars are coming
After buying a Kawasaki GPZ305 (B10) and while taking a DAS course a friend and I had brought it home on the bike trailer. I thought instead of wheeling the bike up the driveway I'd simply start it up and ride it there. It was all of ten feet to the start of the driveway, what could go wrong? I'd done the CBT on a 125cc bike and thought a 306cc bike (still called a 305) would be manageable. There was a large gap in the traffic behind me, set away and stalled the damned thing first time off. Not to worry, I'll start it again and off we go, only to find three to four minutes of traffic behind me. After seeing a suitable gap I knew I'd have to be quick before the next batch of cars if I was to ride it in as planned. I wound it up and tried to take the left turn in to the driveway. Took it way too fast, the front end stepped away from me and I ended up with the bike landing on my left ankle. Fortunately it wasn't broken but in the time it took to get the bike off me, and limp in to the house it was swollen so much I nearly couldn't get the boot off. When I did it was black and purple. I didn't ride again until I'd passed the DAS.
I'm bigger than you (part 1)
On my way to work one morning I was going through the 'slalom gates' traffic calming measures - concrete in the middle of each lane to prevent vehicles from going through in both directions. I had the right of way, a Mercedes Sprinter van was coming the other way. He'd stopped, as he should have, to let me through until he realised he was bigger than I was and pulled out. His mirror would have taken mind clean off, something I wasn't prepared to allow, so I clenched a fist, placed it in front of my mirror and kept going. As I checked my mirror to ensure it was in one piece I saw his mirror was flapping about like something from a cartoon. Didn't half hurt my wrist though.
I'm bigger than you (part 2)
On my way from work one evening I'd approached the roundabout exiting the industrial estate, nothing was coming so I didn't have to give way to anything. A red Ford Fiesta however refused to give way and we ended up alongside one another. My bike boots are always worn on the outside of the leathers in the summer to keep me cool, one side effect from this is the six metal buckles are not covered by the leathers. We weren't both going to make it off the roundabout, or at least not without me hitting oncoming traffic so before doing an emergency stop I accidently placed my leg on his door and pulled the brakes. The car can now be seen with a half a dozen parallel lines down the drivers side of the car.
Cigarette butt
Most of you know I love my bike and love my cigars. The idyllic summers day arrived and the opportunity to go for a bimble was duly siezed. I'd lit up a cigar, lifted the chin guard on the helmet and rode the bike en route to the countryside just enjoying the day. A young lass in a Corsa flicked her cigarette butt out of the window. I saw it turn top over tail towards me thinking "that's going to hit my....." and had to duck before it hit my face. "That's it" I thought, dropped two gears, opened the taps and in a second or two was alongside her. Taking the cigar from my mouth I flicked it in to her still open window. My mirrors saw the same car do an emergency stop and skid sideways before coming to a stop.
What's good to give is good to receive eh?
What's it like on a bigger bike?
S, a friend of mine who's always ridden 125cc chops was curious to know what it's like on a bigger bike. The thing is, a 500cc sports tourer is entirely different to his bike and I wasn't about to let him blast off and kill himself on it. The only solution was to take him pillion. S, a 260lbs biker made a considerable difference to the performance of my bike, and he was advised of this before setting off. We'd parked his bike up, chained the back wheel, with a disc lock on the front wheel and he'd jumped on the back. The usual "are you ready?" checks had been noted and away we went. S screamed with enjoyment all the way there (about a mile) and all the way back. As we approached his bike we saw two coppers looking over his bike with keen interest. They were more interested when they realised what speed we'd been doing. They knew we hadn't stuck to the speed limit but at that time in the evening with no other cars about they chose not to press the issue. I'd explained that S had wanted to know what it was like on a larger bike but the only way we could do it legally was to take him on the back, besides, I was fond of my bike and didn't want to see my mate hurt. They'd asked all about the ownership of both bikes, okay, mostly his as we'd left it in a bus stop. The usual questions of "do you have your documents with you?" came up. In the end I asked the senior copper "If we unlock the bike and he starts it up, would that satisfy you?", they'd never been asked that one before!? We got away with it, but damn it was a laugh.
Blues and Two's
On my way to the Metro Centre one Saturday the A1 was in the usual state - gridlocked. I'll be damned if I'm going to wait in three miles of tailback when I can filter between the cars so brought the bike to a respectable 20mph and away I went. After half a mile I was certain I could hear something although what it was was anybody's guess. I took a look in the mirrors to see an ambulance with it's blues and two's screaming away around a quarter of a mile behind me. It wasn't going to be long before he caught up so I chose to emulate his behaviour and alternated between my horn and the pass button (lights up both main and full beam). I'd managed to create enough awareness of the car drivers that they were making a larger gap than I'd anticipated and the ambulance was gaining on me. I had two choices, I could either pull in or pick up the speed a little. Pulling to the side wasn't an option, there was nowhere to pull in to so I picked up the pace a little and waited for the appropriate place - the off ramp. I reckon there must have been a doctor in the back as there was a paramedic in the passenger's seat as they passed me, shaking his 'thumbs up' fist at me and over-exaggerating the words "Thank you". Boy did I feel good.
Jaguar on a country lane
A mate I used to ride with, we'll call him P, who isn't known for his calm demeanour was knocked off his bike in the middle of nowhere on a country lane. He was just out for a bimble by himself, not riding with any purpose when a Jaguar came out of the side road and knocked him clean off his bike. P, although being very slight of build is not the sort of person you want to knock off a bike. He hobbled up as the driver came over to see if he was alright, found his way to the driver's door, got in and drove towards the driver. When the frong wing was alongside him, P yanked the steering wheel to the right and knocked the driver down with his own car. P got out, walked over to him and told him "Now you know what it feels like to be hit by a car! Don't f'kin do it again!!".
Being an idiot
P & C (not the same P) have been friends of mine for a lot of years and have been riding bikes since P was a toddler (holding on to the bars whilst on her uncle's tank). Unfortunately C isn't allowed to ride due to health so rides pillion with his wife riding the bike. They have intercoms, panniers, top boxes, tank bags, the lot when they go to rallies and really enjoy the time away from the rat race. They were on the way to a rally on a dual carriageway when a prick (tinted windows, thumping music, huge exhaust, low profile tyres etc.) chose to steer his car in to their lane to stop them getting past. After a few near misses, P dropped a gear or two and opened it up. As they passed, C leaned over and back. He was then observed moving his elbows about in what was described to me as "making an impression of a chicken" on the back of the bike. When asked "WTF are you doing?", C simply replied "I'll tell you later". Even when they stopped for petrol, C's only response was "I'll tell you later", fuelling P's frustrations.
When they caught up to the offending driver, C got on the intercom, "when you pull alongside him, stay there and get ready for a quick getaway". P knew he'd been up to something all along but still in the dark told him "I'm not doing anything until you tell me what's going on". C told her "you'll not be able to ride the bloody bike if I do" and so P obliged. The window of the driver was opened, C leaned over once more and yelled "Now!" in to the intercom. P floored it and the driver, foolishly, gave chase before realising he couldn't catch them.
As they arrived at the rally P parked the bike up before even going through the gates to the field. Questioned what had happened and C happily clued her up - "He was pissing me off, so I snapped off his aerial, made it in to a balloon animal dog and handed it back!"
P couldn't ride the bike in to the rally for laughing.
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