intimidated too easily.

intimidated too easily. (Full Version)

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sunshiinedreamer -> intimidated too easily. (5/13/2009 2:59:47 AM)
hi everyone. i am in need of a bit of advice. i am submissive, quite new to the lifestyle, only had a bit of play with mostly vanilla men, mostly initiated by me. (and i have since realized topping from the bottom does NOT work!) i lead a very full and social life; am a leader at work and school, and have a close circle of friends and family. i have a lot of self-respect and am fine with who i am. but i think a lot of my confidence and security is linked to my support system; amazing friends and family that love me and in all honesty baby me a little bit... my problem is that in trying to explore my sub side, i'm alone. i have little support and because of this i think i am nervous and shy and timid and i fear i am too easily intimidated. i can't seem to figure out how to say no without feeling guilty, how to be gentle but firm. even though logically i know i don't owe anyone anything, i still feel intimidated by nearly everyone that even talks to me...how can i get over this so i don't get myself in dangerous or stupid situations? i need to find a way to keep my self-respect and not feel so awkward in my own skin, since outside of bdsm i am so confident. does anyone else go through this? thanks for listening, any and all advice would be appreciated.

Focus50 -> RE: intimidated too easily. (5/13/2009 3:32:42 AM)
Seems your support network has worked so well that it's to your own detriment here; that you're not accustomed to "flying solo".... Truth is that if you really can function with competence and confidence within your work and social circles then you really shouldn't have that much trouble figuring that when someone or something doesn't feel right to you, then they probably aren't. The unknown is a common fear but we are equipped to some degree to handle that. Your own instincts will tell you if something isn't right, even if the rational mind doesn't know precisely what it is. And sometimes, that's where confidence (combined with inevitable arrogance) is your enemy - that you can shrug off potential danger when you need to listen to your instincts. And the greatest benefit of instincts is that you really don't need a lot of experience for them to kick in - just the good sense to take note if they do, and react accordingly. You're basically on your own about entering personal relationships but if you really do listen to your instincts (plus a modicum of smart choices to begin with), you should be ok.... Focus.

sunshiinedreamer -> RE: intimidated too easily. (5/13/2009 4:01:28 AM)
thanks, that helps a bit. i def. agree that it mostly comes down to trusting my own instincts. i appreciate the feedback. [;)]

agirl -> RE: intimidated too easily. (5/13/2009 4:25:59 AM)
With family and close friends we are all in our comfort zone. It's always a little uncomfortable to walk outside of it. Some of the lack of confidence comes from lack of knowledge and experience; the everyone knows what they're doing apart from me thing. Being nervous, shy and timid is quite natural in new circumstances...........but it helps to remember it's STILL just people and all the judgements that helped you make the friends you already have, still apply. And yes....I still go through this and I expect I always will, to varying degrees.(and I'm old) agirl

DarkSteven -> RE: intimidated too easily. (5/13/2009 5:39:56 AM)
You're 18 and inexperienced at dating. Timidity is natural. But a young, hot chick who cannot say "no"? You're ripe for every wannabe Dom to take advantage of. Hell, if you lived in Colorado, I'd be lining up with the others. I'd recommend meeting up with a couple that has no interest in playing with you, who will watch over you (yes, they do exist but aren't easy to find.).

tiinkerbell -> RE: intimidated too easily. (5/13/2009 5:50:06 AM)
quote: I'd recommend meeting up with a couple that has no interest in playing with you, who will watch over you (yes, they do exist but aren't easy to find.). Hello Sunshiinedreamer [:)] and welcome to the message boards. I know, to a degree, what you are going through. DarkSteven's advice above, is very good advice that I would like to repeat. Find someone; a couple or a single person; who is not interested in actually playing or having a relationship with you; and let them help/guide/mentor/advise you. Sometimes, just having someone to unload on helps a great deal. I wish you the best of luck

janiebelle -> RE: intimidated too easily. (5/13/2009 9:17:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Focus50 Seems your support network has worked so well that it's to your own detriment here; that you're not accustomed to "flying solo".... Truth is that if you really can function with competence and confidence within your work and social circles then you really shouldn't have that much trouble figuring that when someone or something doesn't feel right to you, then they probably aren't. The unknown is a common fear but we are equipped to some degree to handle that. Your own instincts will tell you if something isn't right, even if the rational mind doesn't know precisely what it is. And sometimes, that's where confidence (combined with inevitable arrogance) is your enemy - that you can shrug off potential danger when you need to listen to your instincts. And the greatest benefit of instincts is that you really don't need a lot of experience for them to kick in - just the good sense to take note if they do, and react accordingly. You're basically on your own about entering personal relationships but if you really do listen to your instincts (plus a modicum of smart choices to begin with), you should be ok.... Focus. I'd like to expand on Focus' point about fear. Definitely, as he says, trust your instinct. JNR (just not right) tends to resonate instinctively in women. However, as in the OPs case, socialization by the "Be Nice Brigade" encountered by most young American girls and women can condition her AWAY from those instincts. The woman waiting for an elevator is a prime example. She stands, waiting, when a man with JNR written all over him joins her. The doors open, and her instinct would tell her Do Not Get in There, but her socialization has her concerned about offending him. Ridiculous! What is more important, your safety or a strager's ego? Also, she never thinks "what kind of man would be offended?" I can tell you now, a man who cares about his daughter, his wife, or any woman, totally understands and respects her choice. Nature gives us fear for a reason. To warn us of a potential danger. Many people think fear is a weakness. Not so. It is nature's way of telling you "something bad could happen here, you have a decision to make, so make it now while the thing sparking the fear is not happening". I appreciate every fear I have for what it is, and have learned to take comfort in the fact that the very thing that strikes fear in me is not happening, not yet anyway. Panic and worry are the two unhealthy reactions to fear. Niether is conducive to your safety: panic because your reaction is not likely to be effective, and worry because it might keep you from properly interpreting fear cues that are more immediate. Done rambling now. j

GreedyTop -> RE: intimidated too easily. (5/13/2009 10:03:08 AM)
Trust your gut. Best advice EVAH

WestBaySlave -> RE: intimidated too easily. (5/13/2009 11:50:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven I'd recommend meeting up with a couple that has no interest in playing with you, who will watch over you (yes, they do exist but aren't easy to find.). This is good advice - I don't think I ever would have had the confidence to explore this scene without a friend of mine and her dom. I was never with them in a BDSM context, but their advice was a great benefit to me, especially when things went wrong with my first dom. Unfortunately, just as there are doms wanting to take advantage of newbies, there are predatory couples, so keep your guard up until you get to know someone well.

HandSolo -> RE: intimidated too easily. (5/13/2009 11:55:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GreedyTop Trust your gut. Best advice EVAH My gut told me to go to Taco Bell last night. Stupid gut.

LadyConstanze -> RE: intimidated too easily. (5/13/2009 12:05:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven You're 18 and inexperienced at dating. Timidity is natural. But a young, hot chick who cannot say "no"? You're ripe for every wannabe Dom to take advantage of. Hell, if you lived in Colorado, I'd be lining up with the others. I'd recommend meeting up with a couple that has no interest in playing with you, who will watch over you (yes, they do exist but aren't easy to find.). Couple is great, but a platonic male friend (could be gay) or a female friend, just somebody who keeps an eye on her and makes sure she is OK and not taken advantage of would also be fine.

califsue -> RE: intimidated too easily. (5/13/2009 7:09:40 PM)
You might check into munches in your area as well. I think in some areas, there may be limits as to age but there are also younger munch groups and I know I have read it in the boards but I can't remember the group. Maybe someone will come along and give you more information as that is a great way to connect and not feel alone on your journey.

antipode -> RE: intimidated too easily. (5/13/2009 8:30:45 PM)
quote: i can't seem to figure out how to say no without feeling guilty Ah, the perfect submissive - can't say no and then punishes herself. [:)] way to go I don't know that you need a mentor or such like - you're branching out, apparently for the first time, you have begun the learning curve that we all must, and, kudos to you, you come here and talk about it. It would probably help you if you could find a girlfriend you could share things with, but really, mankind largely learns by experience and by mistakes, once you truly begin to avoid risk you will simply not get the experience, not learn. If you are a good judge of character, you can simply follow your gut feelings about others, you just need to tell yourself that's OK, you don't need rationalization, it is your life. If you're not, see if you can figure out what makes others tick, a useful skill in life. I am not reading anything unusual in what you write, for your age, and it is to an extent the insecurity, the discovery, that makes it fun, that is what life is. I have always figuratively kicked myself in the butt, whenever I wasn't sure, because fear is a good way to never get anywhere. And it is little to do with BDSM or dating per se, it applies to school, career, travel, anything in life. You're aware, you analyze, you communicate, you'll do just fine..

EmelineRose -> RE: intimidated too easily. (5/14/2009 12:57:24 AM)
If you are afraid you will be intimidated in some way into agreeing to something you don't want to do, I find the best way around that is to be non-committal when feeling unsure/kind of out of your depth. It's a lot easier than saying no, but at the same time, it isn't a yes (it is just something which works in my weird mind!). If in doubt, try, "I'll think about it". Doubts are usually there for a reason. Something else which helps me is an old saying I once heard, originally from someone in BDSM, "if you're gonna be dumb, you better be tough". IMHO not being (politely) assertive isn't anything to admire or feel positive about (I don't see it as being "submissive") but can sometimes be just - well - dumb! Best of luck!

velvetvixen -> RE: intimidated too easily. (5/14/2009 4:06:53 PM)
I had a Dominant female friend and one of her male Dominant friends look after me and set me up with people they knew to be safe. I never went by myself anywhere and even havng been out there for more years than I care to be reminded of, to this day I still don't go to a club or party without an escort. I think it is good advice to find a mentor or some person or couple who do not have their sights set on playing with you. I have never done this or acted on it, but some folks do provide "references". I'm not sure how helpful or valid those are. I also think that if you didn't have some nervousness or fear about setting out on something new, that would be odd. Above all else don't take wooden nickels or candy from strangers. Happiness --vv

BrokenSaint -> RE: intimidated too easily. (5/14/2009 8:56:16 PM)
That seems like it would be fairly normal. You're in control in other areas, at least, you have a large support network. The trick is more in the letting go I'd imagine. If you go out and find someone, you need someone sensitive to your concerns that you can work and grow with. Granted that seems like fairly generic advice, but too many lose sight of such things.

Fadingthought -> RE: intimidated too easily. (5/15/2009 1:30:44 PM)
Submissive have the power. Remember that. You choose to give it up, no one takes it from you. The above advice is great, but you could also just meet a dom and be strictly platonic. I have sub friends and we've never played, persay, but I've gave them bottom tips. Like what ropes feel should feel like when you struggle and what they should feel like if the knot is wrong and it is tighting down. Or tips on how to pick out the fakes and the pretenders. Which will flock to you, being young, pretty, and inexperienced. If something feels wrong, don't do it, trust your gut. Dental floss is great for being tied up with, because it puts good pressure on the skin when you struggle, but you can break out of it if you get scared.

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