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how to be a Master - 2/6/2006 8:32:31 AM

kassiaethne

Posts: 8
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline

alright,

heres the thing. my fiance is very nalla. He is also jealous of my past Master *who is dead* he feels that i cling to the lifestyle because i want to keep Master alive. so he feels that if he comes into the lifestyle i will be thinking of Master only and not him. but he also has said he will want to learn about it more. but only from me. and well i have no clue how to teach to be a Master being as well...im not one. id apriciate the help to learn how.

Post #: 1

RE: how to be a Master - 2/6/2006 8:40:57 AM

Kinkypupper

Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline

My first question is why has this relationship gone on as long as it has and you two are stil together. ?
Since you are engaged then you have i am assuming introduced him to this lifestyle and he has not accepted it ?
If he has not by now odds are he will never and it will be sad for both of you.
In my opinion a submissive/slave cannot "teach" a prosepective Dom how to be such.
I suggest that you might look into the local Bdsm community and see if there are any "Dom" only groups that he can get involved with, IF he is interested in it.

_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to kassiaethne)

Post #: 2

RE: how to be a Master - 2/6/2006 8:51:06 AM

kassiaethne

Posts: 8
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline

well. he was interested. till he met one of my switch friends. who reallllly likes me and is jealous of him. that i didnt know that till i realized it while she was talking with him *sighs* i wouldnt have shown him to her if i had known she would react this way. he gets very jealous and she knew it. so she was pressing every button of his she could find. after that hes like just dont mention it to me till i can take it all in.

(in reply to Kinkypupper)

Post #: 3

RE: how to be a Master - 2/6/2006 9:09:33 AM

MrDiscipline44

Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

Looks like your fiance has alot of insecurity problems. Why would you want someone who is:
a)jealous of someone from your past that is no longer living
b)jealous of a friend when he (the fiance) is the one you have chosen to be with
c)does not truely want to be in the BDSM community, he will only "learn" to be a "Master" from you, for you

He won't be a master, he'll only be your boyfriend. He won't take control because it's how he is, but because you expect him to. If he won't learn from others in the lifestyle, he won't learn different view points and choose whats best for him. This does not sound like a relationship you or he will be happy in, IMO.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to kassiaethne)

Post #: 4

RE: how to be a Master - 2/6/2006 9:44:04 AM

SweetEscravo

Posts: 193
Joined: 12/17/2005
Status: offline

You might want him to check this website out sometime; read some messages, chat with some people and let him try the lifestyle out for himself. Then, if he's just not interested, thats that. I was the one to introduce the lifestyle to my dom, and he loved it. Its just a matter of presenting everything in the right light, and then letting him run with it.

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)

Post #: 5

RE: how to be a Master - 2/6/2006 11:47:25 AM

foxglove716

Posts: 648
Joined: 7/4/2005
Status: offline

Well true, he sounds insecure, but at least his heart is in the right place and he is willing to give it a go. And with some education on the matter he might just find his niche and let his insecurities go. But I agree with KP. You cannot teach him. No one can. Its either with you or its not. But if he is *genuinely* interested in the lifestyle and not just in it to make you happy, then by all means give him the sources he needs to learn. Maybe a trip to the library or let him explore this website or others. Have you actually used BDSM in play before or is this just an idea you two have been throwing around?

_____________________________

Illusion is the first of all pleasures. -Oscar Wilde

(in reply to kassiaethne)

Post #: 6

RE: how to be a Master - 2/6/2006 1:18:30 PM

fastlane

Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline

that's a tough call that no one can answer...but you.
You can't disrespect your Master's memory but are now building a new one with someone who appears to be a novice and don't want to compare the two.
Dayum....I dunno...turn Dom and make him submit to you....or just love him and accept his trepidation through this web.

Peace and good luck, Kevin

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to foxglove716)

Post #: 7

RE: how to be a Master - 2/6/2006 2:57:25 PM

xaria

Posts: 97
Joined: 1/24/2006
From: USA
Status: offline

Wow, someone I can relate to! *hugs you tight*

You're not alone sweetie. You're not, believe me. First, let me tell you my story of my experiences, love, and loss. I began this lifestyle almost 2 years ago. I am a married woman, that found interest in an online learning of BDSM, specifically the D/s part. It was something I began learning, but felt guilty about doing without my husband's knowledge. We had a great chat about it and he was happy that I wanted to learn. From the beginning, we had plans of him exploring to see if it was something he wanted to do, too. He was to eventually become my Dom. Though, he put in less effort than I did with research. Most of what he knows to this day is from what I have communicated to him through our talks. I feel like I'm training him at times, and that becomes very, very uncomfortable for me personally, because I'm very submissive. It bothers me from time to time to think that I have come so far in my learning, yet he says he wants to learn, but puts little effort into it.

More similarities between us, is that my Master of almost a year died on October 22, 2005. We were just ten short days of making it to one full year as a D/s couple. He helped my husband and I bring the online D/s to our bedroom. He opened me up to explore and made my guilt disappear. I have since accepted a new collar from Xavier. It wasn't taken lightly. He has shown me that He is not here to replace my Master, only to guide me further down my path of submission. My husband, Master, and friends have told me how important it is deal with His death in my own way. There are still days that I miss Him so much and end up crying. My husband and Master are nothing, but supportive. That is what your fiance should be doing in my opinion.

You are not clinging to the lifestyle because of your Master. In a way you may be, but not in the way that he seems to be implying. Once you find your submission, your need to submit doesn't go. I tried to after I lost my Master. I wanted to quit. I felt there was no one for me. For over a month, I cried day in, day out. I was a complete wreck. It was my husband, current Master, and closest friends that helped me to make it through. I feel it is very, very important to have friends in the lifestyle.

I have searched for the answers to the question "can you make a nilla man into a Dom?" I have found different points of view on this. For a long time, I feared my husband's interest was only a way of pleasing me. We have involved some D/s into play and love making. I have told him things that turn me on and want done. I have even played into his fantasies. Slowly, his behaviors are becoming more Dom like. I have stressed to him that the lifestyle isn't all about the toys or sex. Most of D/s is about the mental expectations and needs. It's knowing what I want as a submissive. It's knowing what I crave, which is to submit and please the one that owns me body, mind, soul, and heart.

I hope this helps. Contact me if you would like to have a further chat.

(in reply to fastlane)

Post #: 8

RE: how to be a Master - 2/6/2006 4:37:21 PM

foxglove716

Posts: 648
Joined: 7/4/2005
Status: offline

xaria and kassiaethne, im very sorry to hear about your losses. But it makes me happy to know that there are such strong subbies out there. I hope you both find what you're looking for

_____________________________

Illusion is the first of all pleasures. -Oscar Wilde

(in reply to xaria)

Post #: 9

RE: how to be a Master - 2/6/2006 5:44:15 PM

kassiaethne

Posts: 8
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: foxglove716

Have you actually used BDSM in play before or is this just an idea you two have been throwing around?

ive sort of been working it in but well mostly im trying to get him to accept it mentally before i put to much physical ness into it

thank you xaria it does help some

(in reply to foxglove716)

Post #: 10

RE: how to be a Master - 2/6/2006 11:24:50 PM

xaria

Posts: 97
Joined: 1/24/2006
From: USA
Status: offline

Thank you Foxglove716. I think I have actually. I have my wonderful husband, the knowledge that my Master left this world loving me, and the love of my new Master. I have been blessed with their love. Now, I need to show them how much I truly appreciate their love.

Kassiaethne, you're right there. Don't push him too fast or hard. I agree with some of the others that you can't really train someone to be Dom. They can do either one of two things, in my opinion. One, they will do what is needed to learn what being a good Dom is like and self discover a hidden need for that to be expressed. Two, he may play a "Dom" role to please you. If you both wish to proceed, you both might want to see how this effects your future together. I have known a few people to give up the lifestyle because of a very nilla SO, some return to do it behind their SO's backs. Which, in my yet again humble opinion, is no way to live. Each to their own, really. I couldn't live with the guilt or worry from the possibility of accidental slip ups and such.

Anyway, one thing someone said, possibly in jest, is actually a good idea. The best Dominants learn from the bottom up. In other words, they learn to submit before they Dom. This lifestyle is about exploration. By starting at the bottom, they learn what it feels like to have submissive emotions. This helps them to relate better with their submissive. Good luck with everything.

(in reply to kassiaethne)

Post #: 11

RE: how to be a Master - 2/7/2006 2:32:38 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

I think you're better off making a decision. Either accept your vanilla b/f for being vanilla and learn to live without D/s in your life together or find a Dom. You're young so if you two really care for each other, you can still have a happy relationship and you learn something of life along the way. And if it doesn't work out, even after several years together, you've still got decades to explore your D/s needs and to find a Dom.

Frankly, from your OP, his sole interest in D/s is to try and make *you* happy which, while commendable, is doomed to failure.... Between what you must've told him of the lifestyle AND having a willing fem/sub at his disposal, if he really were a Dom, he'd be jumping at the opportunity like a school kid locked in a lolly shop!

You're partly right, you can't teach him to be a Dom - *no-one* can! Think in terms of trying to teach a hetero to be gay. Either he always was or never will be....

But consider what I said previous.... If you're happy together in a vanilla sense, that's still worth something. But if you pressure him (even subtly) to try and be someone he isn't, you're both gonna end up miserable....

Focus.

(in reply to kassiaethne)

Post #: 12

RE: how to be a Master - 2/7/2006 5:06:21 AM

newslave2006

Posts: 8
Joined: 1/31/2006
Status: offline

well he needs to read about it and learn from other masters not from you he might not want to be a master

(in reply to kassiaethne)

Post #: 13

RE: how to be a Master - 2/7/2006 5:41:41 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

Like the other posters have indicated. That he is looking into it is a good thing, but try not to expect anything more than that. If he finds that he has what it takes to be a Dom inside himself and can be comfortable with that then great. But if he finds he hasn't then trying to force the issue is simply going to create big problems. If your relationship is sound apart from that one aspect then you may need to find other ways to address that need in you and accept him for what he is, else you haven't got a viable relationship.

(in reply to newslave2006)

Post #: 14

RE: how to be a Master - 2/7/2006 3:30:07 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kassiaethne

alright,

heres the thing. my fiance is very nalla. He is also jealous of my past Master *who is dead* he feels that i cling to the lifestyle because i want to keep Master alive. so he feels that if he comes into the lifestyle i will be thinking of Master only and not him. but he also has said he will want to learn about it more. but only from me. and well i have no clue how to teach to be a Master being as well...im not one. id apriciate the help to learn how.

Y'know, this problem isn't particular to the lifestyle. I've seen and been involved with similar situations with those who are desirous in entering one one of the many Pagan paths or other religions or even other lifestyles (the Medieval lifestyles comes to mind to). Ok so your man is jealous of the prospect of you calling another Master and the relationship which that entails. One of the biggest barriers in all such cases is ignorance. Help him to become educated in the lifestyle. Put a hold on your own search for a Master for a while (I think you owe that to your man) and explore the scene together. I'll bet you both can take from some of the BDSM activities and add to your personal sex play time. Even if you "Play" Master/sub in the bedroom as part of your love making games, it does give him the taste of dominance. Remember lass, you are young and time is on your side. Given time and patience, you will find if this relationship is really good for you or if he is unable to match or accept other areas of your goals, dreams and being.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to kassiaethne)

Post #: 15

RE: how to be a Master - 2/8/2006 12:15:46 AM

trustingsole

Posts: 11
Joined: 1/28/2006
Status: offline

Alot of good advice and suggestions, but what if he is not a master. Just a general observation he might be more a of sub. Since Valintines day is coming up you might think about giving him a present of a trip to one of the training clubs. Call ahead and have a Mistress work with both of you. Not so much with her on either of you but instructing so to speak. Just a thought.

(in reply to kassiaethne)

Post #: 16

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