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Be My Emotional Center - 5/14/2009 8:10:41 PM

lovingpet

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I was told I was this to someone today and asked to remain in that position. It got me thinking. What does it mean to be someone's emotional center? Can someone truly be that for someone else? Is it healthy? Why or why not?

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RE: Be My Emotional Center - 5/14/2009 8:12:47 PM

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my first thought...that is one hell of a responsibility to put on another person.

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RE: Be My Emotional Center - 5/14/2009 8:14:23 PM

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I agree!

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RE: Be My Emotional Center - 5/14/2009 8:15:16 PM

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what was you reaction when it was said to you, if i might ask?

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RE: Be My Emotional Center - 5/14/2009 8:17:50 PM

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I told him that, as much as I wanted to be able to be that for him, I couldn't. I told him he has to be able to be stable within himself. I said I could always lend him support, but could not be the bedrock in his life. He understood, but is a bit lost as to what should happen next.

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RE: Be My Emotional Center - 5/14/2009 8:24:57 PM

DesFIP

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Don't most of us have one person we know we can turn to for help if we really need it? Or want such a person in our lives? And isn't knowing they really will be there a centering for us? Just knowing we aren't alone allows us to be less afraid, think more clearly, need to ask for help less?

I would think that would qualify whether it be a lover or a family member. However asking someone to suddenly become this seems wrong. This deep of a relationship needs to grow into it. You can't just sit down and agree to it, you have to feel it. I would imagine you aren't anywhere near that deep of a relationship with the person who asked you.

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RE: Be My Emotional Center - 5/14/2009 8:33:42 PM

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It is a long standing relationship. It is more than just someone to turn to and lean on for support. When he was without me for a time years ago, he is now telling me he was lost and a mess. He couldn't conduct his own life emotionally or relationally without me. I have felt in that position before and it was not a good thing. I just don't know if it ever can be.

I know I am his best friend and the one who is there in the dark times and I am honored to be that to him. I just don't know that I can go to this level with someone again or if I really ever should.

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RE: Be My Emotional Center - 5/14/2009 8:41:41 PM

Fitznicely

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This is probably terribly uncharitableof me, but he sounds hellish needy.

Now, I'm sure that's not really true, but that was my first impression.

It's a huge burden to put on someone and I think you were absolutely right telling him he needs to find stability on his own...

Putting my collar round my girl's neck, I knew I'd be filling that role for her, amongst may other things, but that's something I'd done for years anyway. I don't think I could do that for a friend, tho, however close. To me, being a good friend would be to help him find his own center, definitely.

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RE: Be My Emotional Center - 5/14/2009 8:42:55 PM

SlaveBlutarsky

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I have played that role before and don't mind it, but also never really thought about it or aimed to p;ay that role, it's just who I am. I think if someone pointed that out to me, I'd get a little weirded out about it.

I've always been the type of person who's been there for people and am glad to do so, but it's one of those things that's better left unsaid and unheralded.

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RE: Be My Emotional Center - 5/14/2009 8:46:15 PM

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I have seen situations where for a time... a short time, people were so lost and confused from some event in life, that they almost needed an emotional center. Someone to run to and be safe with while that person kind of held their hand and called the shots or told them what to do. But after the crisis, they were to take over.

Of course it is best when someone is their own center... but there are some valid times I think when the brain goes numb, the heart is shattered and some just cannot find their way through.

It is real easy to think it is nice to be important to someone, but when someone consistantly cops out and messes up and then latches on to someone else, they aren't taking responsibilty for their lives and it is easier to depend on someone else than to take responsibility and do the work of growing up themselves.

There was a time or two in life when I relied heavily on someone in being able to go to them and vent or cry or ask... what do I do now? But the thing is, it was a moment. I didn't want someone to save me, I just wanted someone there to help me through a maze there were few answers to and their calm helped me see my way more than anything.

Someone making a mess of their life isn't being helped if someone else gets them out of it, through it or continues to be their center. They will learn the hard way not to make mistakes, but if someone save's them... they never learn. I would put it right back in his lap and tell him, that is a nice sentiment, but its a cop out and you really need to pay attention to your own life and make the right choices after you pay for the one's you have made. I am your friend and I will chat with you about it for the moment, but its time to grow up. You can play with the words... I am rather direct... but you know what I mean.

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RE: Be My Emotional Center - 5/14/2009 8:57:38 PM

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I've been on both sides of this coin. Being there for someone, as well as having been the one in need. Hell I've even made the mistake of relying far too much on someone else for emotional support. Doing that is a mistake because sooner or later the person being relied upon is going to no longer be available. And once that happens it's down hill. Now when I say it's a mistake, I'm talking about when someone starts relying on another to keep their spirits up, help make decisions, be a rock in the storm, whatever. More than just a good friend.

Personally I've paid for that mistake as well. These days I stand on my own, and have the pleasure of a few good friends to keep me company. But I won't be a wreck if I don't hear from any of them for a while. When someone gets to that point I'd have to consider them a bit codependent.

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RE: Be My Emotional Center - 5/14/2009 9:17:30 PM

littlewonder

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I can say with certainty that Master is my emotional center.

What I mean when I say that is when I need someone to be there for me, he's there.
When I need someone to lean on, he's there.
When I need someone to make sense of my life and to put things into perspective, he's there.

He calms me down.
He shows me that things could be worse.
He teaches me to see things in a more positive light.

If it weren't for him right now I think I'd be a complete wreck or worse!

Is it healthy? Imo yes it is. I would be there for him if and when he needs it as well because that's what couples do for each other when they care for each other.

It becomes unhealthy when you expect the other person to take on your burdens and to fix them for you.

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RE: Be My Emotional Center - 5/14/2009 9:26:05 PM

Lockit

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littlewonder!!!!

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RE: Be My Emotional Center - 5/14/2009 10:38:44 PM

Shadow-tiger

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
It becomes unhealthy when you expect the other person to take on your burdens and to fix them for you.

Stated far more eloquently than I could have hoped to.

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RE: Be My Emotional Center - 5/14/2009 10:55:49 PM

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I had someone in my life once who could have been called my emotional center. Just being near her made me calm, made time stand still. And I'm someone who's a very calm person by nature, yet with her I found a different kind of calm I'd never even dreamed existed. I always knew exactly what to do, and i always knew everything would work out fine, just from being near her.

There was just something about her that whenever i was with her, the world made sense to me in ways that it didn't when we weren't together, never did before we met and never have since. I've always felt very fortunate in that the world I live in has always seemed easy for me to understand, always made more sense to me than I often would like it to, but when I was with her... it was like I was seeing an entirely different world altogether, a world i could only see when I was with her. Whenever she went away, I couldn't see it anymore. I could only see the everyday world, and I had to wait until we were together again to see the world I yearned to see.

I never heard the term "emotional center" before, but I think I'd have to say she was mine. It's a good term. I like it. I'm going to have to remember it.

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RE: Be My Emotional Center - 5/15/2009 1:54:48 AM

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Could it be that the concept of the 'emotional center' is lost somewhere between the noun and the verb here?

I don't think it's possible for someone to be your 'emotional center' but I do believe that some people can 'emotionally center' you by sharing a few words or through a simple conversation. Some people find that certain activities can emotionally center you too.

I have certain people who can have this effect on me, just as I am able to have this effect on certain other people too.

As for whether it's healthy or not I'm going to come down on the side of saying it depends - if you can maintain control of your own emotions and make your own decisions afterwards well yes, but I would find it somewhat unhealthy if you either needed this sort of contact systematically just as much as if you didn't need this sort of contact at all.

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RE: Be My Emotional Center - 5/15/2009 2:17:53 AM

darklight17

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You have to lose some of yourself to another in order to be in a successful relationship I feel. The OP didn't regard this as her significant other though, so I can't really say. Is it wrong to lean on someone else emotionally when they are the one person that you confide in? I think it depends if that person is willing to take the load or not. If you aren't, then you have to tell them right up front.

Romeo and Juliet placed all of themselves in each other. Now they're together for an eternity. Sure they are only characters, but they live in my head. I think it's romantic to be able to devote yourself.

Now on the otherhand, you need to have a backbone too. Can't let someone carry your entire load. Like I said, leaning seems healthy. My point with R & J was that they put all of themselves in each other, which made for a timeless bond. I really respect that.

Just be comfortable with what you are accepting and giving to the other. Let it flow easily. If you aren't sure, then you aren't ready.

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RE: Be My Emotional Center - 5/15/2009 2:26:14 AM

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Hello lovingpet,

I think you should ask for additional information and clarification as to the duties expected and the length of service.

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RE: Be My Emotional Center - 5/15/2009 3:39:28 AM

sirsholly

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quote:

I don't think it's possible for someone to be your 'emotional center' but I do believe that some people can 'emotionally center' you by sharing a few words or through a simple conversation. Some people find that certain activities can emotionally center you too.

I have certain people who can have this effect on me, just as I am able to have this effect on certain other people too.

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RE: Be My Emotional Center - 5/15/2009 5:07:25 AM

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There will be people in one's life that will help contribute to their emotional center and that is a good thing, providing that the contribution is to help the person in centering themselves. If though it is to make the person solely dependent on them for emotional centering, it becomes like a drug and the person will not be able to emotionally center themself during times when that person isn't around, such as death of a partner, ending of a relationship, or person not being available.

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