just a little help needed

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

just a little help needed

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> just a little help needed

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

just a little help needed - 5/14/2009 8:22:24 PM

satina2784

Posts: 1
Joined: 2/25/2009
Status: offline

first and foremost, i would like to say hello and thank you for allowing me to post here. i am a little confused about the feelings i have about living the lifestyle. i know there is something in me that likes it and i love to feel the pain. i am married and introduced my husband to the lifestyle and he seems to want to live it too. well heres my problem. i try to communicete the things i lie and don't like and he says that a true submissive submits to whatever the master wants. is that true? and second sometimes i just want to be normal and have a romantic husband to wine and dine and treat me like i'm of importance to him. is there something wrong with me? can you guys give me some kind of input to what i am doing wrong. thank you again for reading my posting

Post #: 1

RE: just a little help needed - 5/14/2009 8:24:12 PM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

There is nothing wrong with expressing your needs and expecting them to be met. Your wants are another story, but should be taken into account. At least, that is how I like it.

lovingpet

(in reply to satina2784)

Post #: 2

RE: just a little help needed - 5/14/2009 8:49:17 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

People who love each other do things for each other even if it doesn't particularly float your boat. I go along on trips to the auto parts store even though I have no idea what he's looking for. He will play miniature golf occasionally.

Submissives enjoy some things more than others. We're people too. And that means that although we enjoy making our dominants happy, we want to be happy also.

When it comes to kinky activities, you need to fill out checklists and see what you both would like to do, what you're willing to do occasionally even though you have zero interest, and what you will never do, no matter what.
But him saying you should be happy giving him oral sex nightly and never getting an orgasm yourself is bullshit. If you feel resentful about your needs never being met, that's how you should feel, because it shows you he isn't acting out of love. And where he gets his idea that he can't take you out to dinner, bring you home flowers and occasionally do slow, dreamy sensual things that turn you into a puddle of goo is ridiculous.

All a D/s relationship is, is one in which one person prefers to make the decisions and the other person prefers not to. There's no panel that will decide you aren't a true submissive or he isn't a true dominant. The bottom line is that if his head being turned by blow jobs on demand is turning him into an ass and making you resent him, then he needs to straighten out before he destroys the marriage.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 3

RE: just a little help needed - 5/14/2009 9:01:13 PM

Fitznicely

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

Disclaimer time: This is My way only. YMMV - vastly...

He needs to get over this idea of the "true submissive". There's not really any tick-list of things a sub should or shouldn't do. It's al down to the individual Master...While it's strictly speaking true that He needn't take your needs and limits into consideration, He'd only be showing Himself up as a dick if He didn't. After all, who goes around breaking their favourite toys?

Ask Him if He'd consider treating you as a favoured pet, seeing to your grooming, keeping you looking nice, making sure you stay healthy and happy.

Done considerately and thoughtfully, there's no need to step out of the D/s relationship to have a little romance. He could pick what you eat at a restaurant, whisk you away to a hotel for the weekend and have you serve His every pleasure. Assist with his bathing and showering, ensure the things He likes are in place when he gets home from work...the list of little romantic, subservient oddments and duties are virtually endless...

_____________________________

I tell you this: No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn
Proud Owner of Darkmoonkat. Such a good girl!

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 4

RE: just a little help needed - 5/14/2009 9:09:01 PM

BrokenSaint

Posts: 301
Joined: 10/30/2007
Status: offline

He certainly needs to take your needs and the things you like into consideration, if for nothing else than to know them. More information, regardless of intent, is never a bad thing. As a bit of an example. Say he wants to punish you. He performs act A. He did not listen to the big list o things you like, and dislike. You absolutely adore Act A, even though many would not. He's just shot his intent in the foot by not paying attention, and the opposite situation of a reward gone awry could just as easily apply. He also needs to take things your comfortable with and things you aren't into consideration. Things you aren't comfortable with while one can push the boundaries (as long as we're not talking absolute hard limits here) one has to take that into account, and push them gingerly, not charge ahead like a bull in a chinashop, because it can damage trust, and that is most assuredly not something he would want. He's basically seeing black and white, while everything is shades of gray.

_____________________________

In the name of progress,
In the name of madness
Drum beats faster
Crowd shouts louder
and chaos replaces order
VnV Nation - Nemesis

(in reply to Fitznicely)

Post #: 5

RE: just a little help needed - 5/14/2009 9:11:44 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

I think your husband may be a bit confused. You are a human being and cannot stop being a human being with all that comes with it just because you wish to submit to someone. If you like ice cream and he hates it and doesn't even like it in the house... do you stop liking ice cream? You can't turn yourself off like that and be a little mini clone.

Because you chose to submit, doesn't mean you cannot have that romantic husband who treats you well. And he can't use being dominant as an excuse to belittle you, your likes and dislikes or get out of being a decent partner. He is your husband and dominant and if he doesn't consider you important enough to listen to.. take care of and be your lover as well, then he is expecting a slave who is basically a doormat.

A dominant that provides a way for their submissive to bloom is one I can respect a lot. A dominant that demands his way and only his way and doesn't allow for what I call human rights... isn't a dominant in my opinion, but a lazy bully. You didn't sign up for doormat, therefore you are a person and need to be treated as such.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to Fitznicely)

Post #: 6

RE: just a little help needed - 5/14/2009 10:00:36 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Both of you get out. Go to a munch. Meet other people in the lifestyle. Talk with them.

You know what you want. He knows what he wants. See how other couples worked it out.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 7

RE: just a little help needed - 5/14/2009 11:30:11 PM

FangsNfeet

Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline

I treat my pet as a queen wraped around my arm in public and as a whore in bed. It works well for us.

As a submissive, she will do as I want. However, I realize what must be done for pleasure, just being a little mean, and out right punishment. I respect every like and dislike and know what to do depending on the situation. I also respect my pets hard limits. Yes, she has lines that I have agreed to never cross with her.

I don't believe there is such a thing as a "Ture Submissive" or "True Dom" There's no ONE Real Way to live this life style. Communicate, research, experiment, and figure out what makes you both happy together. As a Dom, he will do things to you that aren't always nice. However, when everything is done for the right reasons, you will apreciate his actions and grow stronger together.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to satina2784)

Post #: 8

RE: just a little help needed - 5/14/2009 11:48:41 PM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

Heres the thing you have to figure out what works for you. My girl does all kinds of stuff she doesn't like all the time. She does these things because she enjois submitting to my pleasure.

Contrasted to you who says yea Im submissive but pretty much only to the acts I enjoi doing. UH that is not submitting ...how is that yielding to your master desire if you like doing it in the first place???

On rare occasions my bitch has to be reminded of her place. like "shut the fuck up and do as your told" I refer to it as iron fist in a velvet glove. Most times I dont have to put my boot in your ass... but if i do you wont soon forget the lesson

BadOne

< Message edited by SailingBum -- 5/14/2009 11:52:35 PM >

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 9

RE: just a little help needed - 5/15/2009 2:31:32 AM

CollaredLisa

Posts: 135
Joined: 3/28/2009
From: Germany
Status: offline

I wouldn't say there is anything wrong with saying what you like/ want and what you don't like or don't want. I don't really think there is such a thing as a 'true' submissive because we are all different.

(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 10

RE: just a little help needed - 5/15/2009 2:56:21 AM

FrankAr

Posts: 817
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

Greetings satina,

I really think your husband should read more of the books in trying to figure out what a ...true submissive ...does. I mean there are 100's of descriptions of submissives and what fathom of depth they have about the lifestyle within their mind to participate in. I mean it can go for the slaves as well. He should try to find out what you and him both like in the between stakes. The major concern is that the evilness of being close before hitting the scene.

I mean if you met your husband in the scene before getting married, then it fits into place. Now you have been married and all of a sudden you and him are exploring something together, but it may come at a price. You can communicate all you like, you can talk about limits and wants and desires all you like, but the bottom line, age in the BDSM scene varies because of experience. You might hit it like a duck in water, or might flounder, just like your husband. This is what you really have to think of.

Be well.

Frank Ar.

_____________________________

I am just me, simple ol me.

Even the softest whisper can be heard in the loudest group....Frank H.

(in reply to satina2784)

Post #: 11

RE: just a little help needed - 5/15/2009 4:26:11 AM

silvermuse

Posts: 259
Joined: 6/8/2007
Status: offline

I have to admit my jaw clenches every time I read/hear 'true' submissive, or 'true' slave, or 'true dominant'. There's no cookie cutter involved. No parts checked. No warranty. There's no 'grand master', or 'training school', that hands out diploma's certifying the 'trueness' of those who choose to live this way. (Though I've seen profiles that claim otherwise).

D/s is a relationship choice, key word there - relationship. It might be a relationship that includes love, it might not. But, like any relationship if the needs of both aren't being met, it's going to eventually crumble. Need's, not wants...

Needs= Something that you can't live without within the relationship.

Want = Something you desire, but can live without within the relationship.

If a part of what drew you to your husband was the romantic side of his nature and that was one of the reasons you married him, then the lack of that could (not definately as I don't know the entire story, and I'm not you so can't see how badly it's affecting you) be a need that isn't being met. But if that's the case you 'need' to communicate this to him, and explain the hurt at the change, and lack of that side of your relationship.

He can still be a dominant whilst being romantic.
He picks out your clothing for the meal.
He books the restaurant.
He orders your meal.
You don't touch anything on the plate until he gives you permission - This can be done very subtly by a nod of the head, or other non verbal sign.
He could feed you the sweet if you get one. Some places see that as a very romantic gesture, but it's also very dominant. Your food from his hands.
Heck, even things like checking which side of him to walk next to as if he were carrying arms to defend his property, can add to this. Small touches that aren't obvious to everyone but might build the feeling of this being a D/s 'outing' for you both.

These are, of course, just suggestions.

muse

_____________________________

There is darkness and there is evil, never mistake the two.

(in reply to FrankAr)

Post #: 12

RE: just a little help needed - 5/15/2009 4:29:19 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

Heres the thing you have to figure out what works for you. My girl does all kinds of stuff she doesn't like all the time. She does these things because she enjois submitting to my pleasure.

Contrasted to you who says yea Im submissive but pretty much only to the acts I enjoi doing. UH that is not submitting ...how is that yielding to your master desire if you like doing it in the first place???

On rare occasions my bitch has to be reminded of her place. like "shut the fuck up and do as your told" I refer to it as iron fist in a velvet glove. Most times I dont have to put my boot in your ass... but if i do you wont soon forget the lesson

BadOne

Are you really saying that you only do things she dislikes? That she is never allowed any pleasure? You only watch tv shows she dislikes even if that means you can't watch anything you like either? You stop off for an ice cream and she is never allowed one?

Because that's what your post reads like.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 13

RE: just a little help needed - 5/15/2009 6:02:15 AM

LadyConstanze

Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: satina2784

first and foremost, i would like to say hello and thank you for allowing me to post here. i am a little confused about the feelings i have about living the lifestyle. i know there is something in me that likes it and i love to feel the pain. i am married and introduced my husband to the lifestyle and he seems to want to live it too. well heres my problem. i try to communicete the things i lie and don't like and he says that a true submissive submits to whatever the master wants. is that true? and second sometimes i just want to be normal and have a romantic husband to wine and dine and treat me like i'm of importance to him. is there something wrong with me? can you guys give me some kind of input to what i am doing wrong. thank you again for reading my posting

All happily married BDSM couples I know seem to have the approach that she is first and foremost the wife (or he the husband) and everything else comes later and takes 2nd place, 2nd place is very important but they got the priorities right that they got married to the person they love.

Then most of them have their own rules as what works for them, with some it might be TPE, with others something completely else.

It sounds to me as if your hubby only read a few books or articles and has formed this idea that this is how it should be (and it does suit him, brilliant excuse to be selfish

), but maybe he should take into consideration that it does take 2 to live this life-style and he can't do it on his own, so it might be a good idea to listen to what you like, plus if you are happy with most of what happens, you might be even more eager to please him and to submit to him.

Being submissive is not being a doormat, you are of value to him, if you aren't why would you both be together and even think about exploring this together? It seems that he read the Gor books and took his ideas from there, now they work for some people but they don't work for everybody and I think before you jump in, talk to each other, maybe even write down what you agreed...

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to satina2784)

Post #: 14

RE: just a little help needed - 5/15/2009 6:05:39 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

quote:

All happily married BDSM couples I know seem to have the approach that she is first and foremost the wife (or he the husband) and everything else comes later and takes 2nd place, 2nd place is very important but they got the priorities right that they got married to the person they love.

Then most of them have their own rules as what works for them, with some it might be TPE, with others something completely else.

well stated. This captures it for hubby and i

_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)

(in reply to LadyConstanze)

Post #: 15

RE: just a little help needed - 5/15/2009 6:24:41 AM

subangi

Posts: 544
Joined: 5/11/2008
Status: offline

Every relationship is different and unique to the needs and desires of each person. As said in almost every post, communication is the key.....you need to discuss and learn more about this ....it is a process that takes time to get refined to make it fullfilling for both. It is even more challenging when you are married , and have to encorporate that form of a lifestyle mixed with this.
Keep up the communication!!!

(in reply to satina2784)

Post #: 16

RE: just a little help needed - 5/15/2009 6:24:52 AM

GYPZYQUEEN

Posts: 730
Joined: 4/14/2009
Status: offline

Explorations can be fun or a downright fukkin' disaster..

the KEY?

TALK TALK TALK
READ READ READ
ASK ASK ASK
DISCUSS DISCUSS DISCUSS
Play Play PLay

FORM you own RELATIONSHIP
based on what YOU want and what works

not ideas from somewhere else or pre-formed notions from an opinion about what a true sub or Mistress/Master is..

..or that having a sub husband means no wining and dining or romatic evenings..

On the contrary as the female leader of the home you can set up as many romantic evenings as you so desire..if you want bake fudge every TH at 7 set it up..

If you want to play tie me up and spank me on Sat do it..
IF your husband or you think that you wanting a romantic evening is not submitting
then some education. is needed..
submission is PLEASING..surrender to the desires and whims of HER
I have said to sub #1...."you will be my doting bf today"

ALSO..

you say
a romantic dinner is "NORMAL"??
so then the Mistress/sub aspect is NOT??
This indicates you are seperating the 2 aspects..so is it a lifestyle you seek or PT role-play as part of the relationship?

The right way and the TRUE way is what works for you both,,

Reseach..eg) Venusontop.com ....... elisesuttonhomestead ....... Steel DOOR
Screw the Roses Send me the Thorns..

Experiment

Build

Add

Delete

BUT HAVE FUN,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

GQ

< Message edited by GYPZYQUEEN -- 5/15/2009 6:34:12 AM >

(in reply to sirsholly)

Post #: 17

RE: just a little help needed - 5/15/2009 7:21:31 AM

SassySarijane

Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline

First I'd advise sitting down and talking openly about needs, wants and expectations. Second find local groups and go to munches and events. Meet people and socialize and talk with them and learn from them taking what resonates with you and leaving what doesn't. A great place for various bdsm nonfiction books is http://www.greenerypress.com/ and you can write down titles you like and find them new and used at Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble online, and Powells.com.

Communicating, not just talking AT each other, and listening to, not just hearing each other, are key.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers
LPTnB

(in reply to GYPZYQUEEN)

Post #: 18

RE: just a little help needed - 5/15/2009 8:46:03 AM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

Heres the thing you have to figure out what works for you. My girl does all kinds of stuff she doesn't like all the time. She does these things because she enjois submitting to my pleasure.

Contrasted to you who says yea Im submissive but pretty much only to the acts I enjoi doing. UH that is not submitting ...how is that yielding to your master desire if you like doing it in the first place???

On rare occasions my bitch has to be reminded of her place. like "shut the fuck up and do as your told" I refer to it as iron fist in a velvet glove. Most times I dont have to put my boot in your ass... but if i do you wont soon forget the lesson

BadOne

Are you really saying that you only do things she dislikes? That she is never allowed any pleasure? You only watch tv shows she dislikes even if that means you can't watch anything you like either? You stop off for an ice cream and she is never allowed one?

Because that's what your post reads like.

ehhh I didn't mean to imply that. The short answer is she can do most anything she likes. The point I was attempting to make is. whether she likes it or not has zero bearing my decision to do it. Furthermore she "enjois it" because she is submitting to my will. Hopefully that clears it up for you

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 19

RE: just a little help needed - 5/15/2009 8:50:44 AM

tiinkerbell

Posts: 96
Status: offline

From your posting, what I am having trouble understanding is that YOU introduced your husband to this way of life; and now that he wants to further it, YOU are finding that YOU don't like HIS way of doing things.

I don't mean to offend, but, is that not a bit contradictory? Or am I missing an important part here?

_____________________________

Allison

- Some People walk in the rain; others just get wet -
Roger Miller

(in reply to satina2784)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> just a little help needed

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094