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livingunderher -> Please Help (5/14/2009 11:23:33 PM)

I been with my girlfriend now for four years and living with her for two. I'm 34 and very submissive an she is 24 and some what dominate. I just told her in the last couple of months that i want her to control me and be my master. At first she thought the whole idea was weird. But since started warming up to it. She now is starting to tell me to sit when she wants me to and tells me to give her body rubs when she wants them. An loves to have her bottom kissed and licked.As well as putting me in her closet for an hour or so after i please her and leaving out her shoes for me to lick clean after she has worn them. I told her that if she wanted to she could see other men as well but says she wouldn't want to hurt me like that an she loves me.  She also said im trying the best i can at dominating you. I don't know what else to do. I don't mine doing this to you an i don't dislike it but i don't want to see other guys. I know she wants to marry me. An i would like to marry her as well. But we both need to be happy. What i really want is to be in a cuckold marrage an be a complete slave pet to her. But i don't know if she will ever go for it. Should i just give it time? Perhaps she will really see how i am an then be all for it? Or am i just wasting her and my own time? Should i just be little myself more and more to her that she will say to herself i really could do what ever i please and should have a true boyfriend to date. I do really love her, But i don't know what to do to make this work out for the both of us to be happy. Can you please help? Anybody?



LadySweetOrSour -> RE: Please Help (5/14/2009 11:35:47 PM)

She's trying the best she can to dominate you, she doesn't mind doing it to you, she doesn't dislike doing it to you. That doesn't sound like she's mad keen on the whole thing to start with. Then asking her to see other men? And all in a few months.

Has it occurred to you that she's only doing this to make you happy, not because she's comfortable with it, or enjoys it? She sounds like she loves you a great deal and is trying to make you happy, you don't sound like you're giving her the same courtesy.

Some people just arent into it. Nothing wrong in that. I'm a domme and dont like cuckolding or giving pain. That's MY preference. There isn't a set of behaviours all dommes have, any more than any other human being has a certain set of behaviours. If it isn't in her to do it, then why force it (and it does sound like she is being forced into doing these things, by you, for YOUR benefit, not hers)? She is young, this is all new to her and you are trying to make her into something to suit you. That's the way it's coming across.

I think you two just are not going in the same direction. If your need to be a cuckold is stronger than your love for her, move on. Give her the time and space she needs to find someone who wants the same things she does. Do you want her to try to spend the rest of her life being someone she really isn't? It wouldn't last long. You say you both need to be happy. Then love her enough to let her go.



livingunderher -> RE: Please Help (5/14/2009 11:46:31 PM)

I agree with you 100%.  An when i say no its ok we don't have to. She gets very upset. I love her very much. An sometimes i hate myself for being the way i am. She does deserve someone more in common with herself. Thank you for your reply.



LadySweetOrSour -> RE: Please Help (5/15/2009 12:42:34 AM)

Oh lord, don't hate yourself for being you. Just like her, you are what you are. Life just sometimes puts two people together who don't fit. It's no ones fault and no one is to blame. If we all got it right, there would be no divorces or relationship unhappiness.

Just be glad you had the good sense to understand that you have certain needs, just like everyone else, and that those needs have to be met. Sometimes love alone just really isn't enough.

Be proud that, although you are going through such a difficult time, you had the maturity and good sense to see beyond the happily every after dream, and saw the reality for what it was. I think you've done fantastically well to do that. Feel good about that.



ChampagneMojito -> RE: Please Help (5/15/2009 3:07:22 AM)

To me, this post basically says that your kinks are more important to you than her kinks.  While that may be understandable, it doesn't exactly scream 'slave' to me. 

As I hear it, you're saying that if you're not getting cuckolded, you won't be happy? 

Tell me, if she cuckolded you out of a desire to make you happy rather than her own wish to cuckold you, would that make you happy?

You say 'Perhaps she will really see how i am an then be all for it?'.  Maybe.  But it's not a simple matter of laying down a trail of Oreo cookies for her to follow until she realises her true Dommeliness.[sm=domme.gif]

Perhaps you'll come to find this is how she really is, and then you have a decision to make.  Either stick with a love where you don't get all your kinks met, or start from scratch and try to find both love and compatible kink with someone new. 

I believe the strength of your love for her will be the determining factor.

E x



DarkSteven -> RE: Please Help (5/15/2009 6:09:28 AM)

OP, do you realize how hard you're making this for her?

You met a vanilla woman and were in a relationship with her for almost four years before you sprung on her that you wanted her to be your Domme.  That would have killed upwards of 80% of relationships.

So she's learning and from the sound of things doing well and getting to like Domming you.  Not bad for only two months.

Now that she's comfortable with Domming you, you brought up cuckolding, and she flat out told you she doesn't want to do it.  And it sounds like you're making this a major issue.  I suspect that you made being her slave/sub a make-or-break issue as well.

1. Quit manipulating and holding back.  If something's important, get it out.  Don't play along for years and then spring things if they're dealbreakers.

2. Have you ever been cuckolded?  You're contemplating ending a relationship based on something that you may not even like.  You're having a great time with all your fantasies - sometimes the reality is not that hot.

3. Get couples counseling.  Pronto.  She's clearly feeling pushed and does not like it.  She's only 24 and I suspect she does not know how to communicate.  And you need to learn as well.

4. I suggest that she incorporate spankings or whippings (if she opts to whip, make sure she gets trained in it first).  It would provide a release and reinforce who's in charge.

5. To be blunt about it, OP, you've got a woman who cares a lot about you and is willing to work with you.  It sounds like you've got a real gem.  If you break things off over cuckolding, I predict that you'll find nobody willing to indulge your fetishes anything like her, and will get bitter.

That is, unless you quit trying to convert vanillas and go for someone kinky at the outset.






thetammyjo -> RE: Please Help (5/15/2009 6:20:38 AM)

I think if such an intense kinky relationship is what you need, you do you and her a great injustice by getting involved in the first place.

If you can, get some therapy to help you figure out how much is fantasy for you and how much is need for you. When you know that answer then you can decide what to do.

I'm about to be very mean, and I apologize for it.

You aren't submissive. You are focused on yourself and your desires first and foremost. You may want to spin it in your fantasies as being submissive but you don't seem happy or grateful for what she is trying to give to you. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that in your relationship you are the dominant and she is submitting to your wishes repeatedly.

Guess what? That's fine, I have no problem with that but be honest about it with yourself and her. It will save you a lot of problems.



MsDDom -> RE: Please Help (5/15/2009 6:20:48 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: livingunderher

I agree with you 100%.  An when i say no its ok we don't have to. She gets very upset. I love her very much. An sometimes i hate myself for being the way i am. She does deserve someone more in common with herself. Thank you for your reply.


let it flow naturally...stop forcing it.
that's all



ShaktiSama -> RE: Please Help (5/15/2009 9:28:18 AM)

The OP is ten years older than his girlfriend.  They have been together for four years.  If she is now 24, they got together when she was 20 and he was 30.  And now he wants permission to ditch her because she isn't doing a complete 180 from absolute vanilla to absolute cuckolding kink fast enough?

Uh....yeah.  I'm expected to be mild as milk and sweet as summer shunshine when I address this OP, I'm sure.  He was thirty years old and roped a 20-year-old into a long term relationship with a hope of marriage.  Now he's pushing her into non-self-motivated dominance, after she had been given only two years as a legal adult to explore her own desires and limits before getting hooked up with him.  And he's not satisfied with the pace of her exploration and doesn't want to accept any limit SHE places on HER OWN activities, and the use of her own body?

Fuck this guy.  Seriously.  "Complete slave"?  My ass.  Just another XY "submissive" tyrant who is slave to nothing but his own fantasies, if you ask me.  This guy is the Bottom-Topper From Hell, times a million.  Jeeeezily Christmas.



LaTigresse -> RE: Please Help (5/15/2009 9:34:05 AM)

ShaktiSama said it perfectly!



Venatrix -> RE: Please Help (5/15/2009 10:02:51 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

You aren't submissive. You are focused on yourself and your desires first and foremost. You may want to spin it in your fantasies as being submissive but you don't seem happy or grateful for what she is trying to give to you. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that in your relationship you are the dominant and she is submitting to your wishes repeatedly.



Ditto the whole paragraph, but especially the last line.  The only thing is, he's just found out that his sub has a hard limit of cuckoldry.



Lockit -> RE: Please Help (5/15/2009 10:59:37 AM)

I am dominant and yet if you had my twenty four year old domina up and coming daughter in a situation like that, you would have the lash of my tongue and all motherly power's directed right where you wouldn't want them directed.  This young woman loves you and has a dream life planned with you.  She is trying ever so hard to please you and when she fails in wanting to do what you want, becomes very upset because she has failed you.  You say it is okay, but in a sense her submissive parts of herself are bleeding because she see's her lack of desire for what you want as a failure.

You are setting her up to fail with your expectation of a couple of months to understand this and get into it and put it to practice.  No one learns all of this... from no understanding to putting it to practice in a couple months.  Whether you will recognise doing it or not, you are pushing her far too hard because you have fetishes.  It isn't submissive feelings that you have.  It is fetish and kink.  You are asking her to perform and she is now having performance type issues.  YOU ARE DOING HARM.

Pull your kinky brain out of your ass and stop pushing your fetish and kink upon a young woman who did nothing but try to love you and who can have no idea of what it means to deal with a person addicted to their fetish and kink.  You are not seeing her and are not concerned with how this will harm her.  You are only seeing how you might not be fully happy with her if you don't get what you want.  Do her a favor... If you are that selfish in the love you give... learn that that is not love.  Love considers the other person... and in my opinion, considers them before self in many ways.  You may think of her when it is convenient, but for the most part you are thinking of yourself and in a sense blaming her lack of ability to reform her whole god damned life in a couple of months before she has a chance to even let it sink in, what might be happening to her happy relationship with someone she thought loved her.  Now she is striving to keep that love and at the same time going through some real emotional challenges because she cannot please your kink and she may on some level feel she will lose what she see's as your love becasue you are not happy.  She walks a tight rope.  And still all you can ask is... about yourself, about the future of your happiness and excusing yourself with that ever ready... I love her.  Do her the favor and let her go free... sure it will kill her inside but she like many of us will move on.  If you continue this and expect to serve your fetishy kinky side without truely considering her emotional situation... you will do far more damage. 

I know a young woman this happened to... almost the same situation and years later she still wasn't able to see what clearly happened becasue she didn't get the fetish and kink and had no way to understand what she went through.  She just felt bad because she couldn't please him.  Till she talked to me that is.  I wasn't going to let her go on believing she failed.  She was set up.

Stop trying to create in her, the real woman you want.  You have put yourself, your desires, your kink and sexual things before her as a person and that has to hurt like hell!

You cannot change her and if you are this selfish and ignorant to what you are doing to her emotionally, no, you cannot find happiness long term, nor will she.  If you continue with this relationship as you are doing it and you marry her, you will be one of those guys looking outside your marriage for fulfillment, hurting her more.

You are not worth all she is putting into this.



stella41b -> RE: Please Help (5/15/2009 4:33:55 PM)

I'd just like to reaffirm much of what has been posted above but also add from the perspective of a submissive.

Now the raison d'etre for being in a relationship with a dominant is that you place their needs and wishes for fulfillment and happiness above your own, or at least equal to, but primarily you place those needs above your own needs for fulfillment as it's generally understood that part of being a submissive and a happy submissive is that in fulfilling the needs of your dominant and pleasing them, you in turn become fulfilled and happy.

Bear in mind that you're not going to get everything you want nor is your dominant going to fulfill your expectations. Hence essential to submission is sacrifice and compromise. How much? Well that depends on how much you want to be with your dominant and how much you want a successful relationship with them.

What I'm writing about here is something which is pretty fundamental to being a submissive. I'm not even going to go into such things as service or even enslavement, but pretty much bog standard submission.

On the basis of what is written in the OP I doubt very much that you could handle being a slave to a dominant woman who forms any sort of relationship with another man. I mean you haven't even really touched first base when it comes to being a submissive, have you? You've spent four years in a relationship with this woman and only tried to introduce any sort of dynamic a couple of months ago. And from what I can tell you're making a right pig's ear of that as it stands today.

I don't see any point in you going on like a dog in a meat shop when you haven't even got the basic fundamentals of submission worked out. Sure I can lick shoes, give body rubs and kiss ass and I can do all these things without being submissive which is how I see this. It's not even submission, it's called bottoming. From what I can see you've come into the relationship on a hidden agenda and are now trying to manipulate it so it all somehow fits in with your fantasies, the root of which appears to be some pretty dodgy self-esteem or similar issues.

Oh please don't get me wrong, I also have issues with self-esteem and yes I go through phases where I really want to be a 24/7 slave and have no control over anything at all. But you know I don't let my fantasies rule my head or my life and I am working on my issues well away from anything related to BDSM.

I have a simple solution, if you are submissive then be submissive and accept the fact that just as much as your good lady is working hard to be your dominant you need to be working just as hard in developing yourself as a submissive for her and for you. The first step would be learning some compromise and sacrifice, to give up some of the control of the relationship and to expend more effort into making your dominant happy.

That is, of course, if you really are as you claim to be, a submissive, and not a bottom or someone else. Whichever way you need to be making a crossroads here and working out what you really want from the relationship and communicating. If for whatever reason the relationship fails, then it's worth treating it as a learning experience. Being yourself, communicating what really lies inside, together with a bit of sacrifice and compromise would be a good start.



GYPZYQUEEN -> RE: Please Help (5/15/2009 4:40:59 PM)

YOU are dominating her...you want a cuck relationship,,she does not...
you want...you want ..you want

IF you are sub then pleasing her is of the utmost..importance
 
HEAR IT.!!!.
it pleases her to be with YOU ......just you

GQ



LadyPact -> RE: Please Help (5/15/2009 9:29:46 PM)

I think what we have here, OP, is another version of "how do I get the girlfriend/spouse/SO to be kinky."  In this, you're actually ahead of the game.  You seem to have a person who loves you enough to at least give all of this a whirl.  Kudos to her for being willing to give some of this a go.

With that said, from the quick glimpse that you've offered up in the original, I wouldn't exact term this young lady a Dominant woman.  I believe what you do have is a very obliging service top.  This is probably a good fit, since I also would say you are more of a bottom than a submissive.  There's nothing wrong with that if it's working for the two of you.  However, it certainly doesn't sound as though the cuckholding thing is a service that she wants to provide.

If you can remove yourself from how much you want this little fantasy for a moment, you might want to take a look at how things might appear through her eyes.  People who prefer sexual monogamy are not cut out for cuckholdery.  There's a whole lot rolled into the practice and if it's not something she's comfortable with or wanting to do, she's going to end up feeling like dirt and your fantasy isn't exactly going to be what you expected.

I'd say it was time to re-evaluate your situation.  How much does this thing mean to you?  How much does she mean to you?  Which is really more important?





Venatrix -> RE: Please Help (5/15/2009 10:32:55 PM)

FR - There is always the possibility that the OP will be hoist by his own petard.  His girlfriend might decide to give cuckoldry a try, and everyone is ecstatic until the girlfriend decides that she really prefers her current fling to the OP and dumps him completely, which I would find most amusing. 



PsyVamp -> RE: Please Help (5/16/2009 10:29:20 AM)

I'll have to agree with the others.

What you are looking for is a kinky relationship, not to be a submissive or a slave. 
Now, this doesn't mean that you are a bad person, it means that if you can't live without your fantasies, you are going to have to let her go.
Not every Dominant wants to be with multiple partners.  Even some of the experienced Ladies do not want multiple partners and it doesn't make anyone more or less dominant.

Sure, you can be happy, but not at her expense. 



TexasMaam -> RE: Please Help (5/17/2009 2:34:51 AM)

ditto, Dark Steven.

TM



livingunderher -> RE: Please Help (5/17/2009 2:08:39 PM)

First i would like to thank everyone for their replys. Even if some of them were very wrong about me. I say in the last couple of months i told her i wanted her to control me and become my master. But in fact it started about a year after we started dating. I only started becoming realy honest about my feelings to her the last couple of months. I love my g/f very much. An don't want to lose her. So if it means to put my true feelings a side i will. The fact some people think im using her for my own cravings is crazy. If thats the way i felt i would of left a long time ago. Or she would of done the same to me. But we didn't. I don't think i could ever be the way i am to someone i didn't know until we grew together an made a bond to one another. Just like i have with my g/f. My feelings only grow stronger in time. Not at what i saw i at first site. An the way i see it now is if she could still love after knowing how i really am and still love me for it even though she is not into it gives me even more of a reason to keep loving her more. For everybody that took me the wrong way i am sorry. Its hard to judge someone on what they write in just text. Then knowing them in person. Kind regards to all



Lockit -> RE: Please Help (5/17/2009 3:13:33 PM)

You mentioned to her something about bdsm or d/s a year into your relationship, but only became honest with her about how you felt a couple months ago.  In that time she has tried to please you and give you what you want because she loves you.  You wanted to go into more and she wasn't into that at all and refused that.

So then you come here and ask some questions. 

True or not... she did this to please you?

True or not... you felt afraid that you wouldn't be happy in the long run even if it was for only a short time you felt that... there was a part of you afraid you won't be happy with out meeting your fetish and kink needs?

True or not... She felt bad when she didn't want to go through with what you requested of her even if you said it was okay that she didn't... and then also coming here afriad you really wouldn't be okay with that?

True or not... You basically asked us if you showed her more of what you are about, if maybe she would see that and love you anyway and like it anyway even though she has thought it weird, came to be okay with some of it and wasn't okay with how far you wanted to go?

True or not... You feel the more she loves you, the more she may be willing in love to do what you like?

True or not... You came here talking more about your needs than her needs because some of your needs aren't being met?

People can love one another very much and still not be a good match for a marriage.

Just ask some of the married people around here that married while in love but not getting certain needs met and then ended up cheating or looking elsewhere, divorcing or staying in a marriage unfulfilled.  Ask them if things will change with a spouse not interested?

More questions.  If you are not fulfilled now and are hoping things will change so that you can be fulfilled the more she loves you... what will happen if she gets resentful because you are always trying to get your desires fulfilled and it all becomes an ugly thing to her and she feels manipulated or not loved for who she is?

What if she simply wants sex and no kink at all... will you love her more as you say because she still loves you even though you are kinky and yet... still be happy with her with just sex rather than what you were afraid you might not be happy giving up?




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