Am I being really unreasonable?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Am I being really unreasonable?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Am I being really unreasonable?

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Am I being really unreasonable? - 5/17/2009 2:27:17 AM

anonxx

Posts: 2
Joined: 5/17/2009
Status: offline

Hi everyone, Just after a bit of advice really..I'm not sure if I am being unreasonable or not...
heres the story really shortened down..I got chatting with a Dom back in early summertime last year, there is a bit of a distance but we both felt that, that wasnt relevant with how things were going...everything went really well I felt like we had a total connection and he said he felt that way too..we were a team, I felt like we were invincibe we had all kinds of plans for the future...
anyway shit happens as usual and my dad passed away..my mum fell to pieces and I had to end up moving in with her for a while...I explained to him that I wouldnt beable to be around as much as I was..until it had all settled down....I didnt really know what to do I was kinda torn between him and doing the right thing ...he was okay (but really quiet about it all) ..he didnt ask me to stay...so i devoted my time to getting my mum back on her feet..i was emailing him during that time checking he was okay and stuff..but he only ever replied to my emails I sent..didnt once like email me out of the blue unless i made first contact..anyway.things became better and my mum was getting back to her usual self after that time...so i tried contacting him again..he said he'd missed me and wanted me back in his life for good...
but heres the catch..hes got another sub now...he said its not serious just play...but its like really knocked me sideways, ive been open and honest with him about how i feel and he thinks im jealous..i dont think its jealousy its more the fact that it makes me feel totally worthless and withdrawn...he said hes worried incase i leave again, and that he wants me to accept the situation as it is at the present time and not resist him.....but he hasnt really been there for me much lately..and next week hes going away with that other sub to a rope convention...and i know im gonna be sat here each day on my own feeling worse than ever...
i really dont know what to do..i dont want to lose him or walk away..but i know this will change me from the person he knew..I'll become insecure...ive done everything hes asked since i came back to try and show him im making a effort,,been waiting for him each day but now his times devided....and i cant help shrinking back from it all and not feeling good enough...
which gets him annoyed..

any ideas?

Post #: 1

RE: Am I being really unreasonable? - 5/17/2009 3:10:25 AM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: anonxx

I explained to him that I wouldnt beable to be around as much as I was..

he didnt ask me to stay

i was emailing him during that time checking he was okay and stuff..but he only ever replied to my emails I sent..didnt once like email me out of the blue unless i made first contact

..anyway.things became better and my mum was getting back to her usual self after that time...so i tried contacting him again..he said he'd missed me and wanted me back in his life for good...

but heres the catch..hes got another sub now...he said its not serious just play...

he said hes worried incase i leave again, and that he wants me to accept the situation as it is at the present time and not resist him.....

next week hes going away with that other sub to a rope convention...

i really dont know what to do..i dont want to lose him or walk away..

any ideas?

As per usual, his actions could be underpinned by any one of a whole host of factors or a mix thereof.

Based on what you've said, it seems that the cause and effect of a third person being involved is you taking care of your Mother.

Many of us like to think we're the centre of the universe, but there's a line to be drawn and taking care of a parent should be where that line is drawn. I think you're being perfectly reasonable, assuming he didn't state at the outset that your Mother is of no consequence to him and were you to take time to look after her, then he's going to spend time with someone else at your expense.

It seems to me that in his mind he's playing tit-for-tat: i.e. you look after you Mother and relegate me to second best, then I'll relegate you to second best. Assuming this is the case, then you have a child on your hands, and it's your call on whether or not you want a child in your life.

I can only assume that he never had a good relationship with his Mother, because he obviously doesn't appreciate that your Mother is the only person in the world who loves you unconditionally and really is your best friend.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to anonxx)

Post #: 2

RE: Am I being really unreasonable? - 5/17/2009 3:20:07 AM

simpleplan2

Posts: 461
Joined: 7/5/2008
Status: offline

Walk, no, run away. He's playing you. It won't get any better than it is right now.

(in reply to anonxx)

Post #: 3

RE: Am I being really unreasonable? - 5/17/2009 3:30:04 AM

anonxx

Posts: 2
Joined: 5/17/2009
Status: offline

thanks for your advice, to be honest you have just helped me see that im not going insane..

and yeah when I left it wasnt like I was out having a barrell of laughs I was sitting up late each night after work chatting with my mum to make sure she was okay..
he didnt exactly wait around for me..
and I dont want to feel guilty for helping her at that time ...
its like hes punishing me for that.....
he said to me that this other sub has accepted me....and I should do the same

excuse my french but fuck that...he asked me back but he doesnt realise im not the kind of person that can be false and make out everythings okay when its not.....I'd end up punching her lol

but anyway..im normally a happy person most of the time and right now I'm not..I told him I was scared about it all and he said he had to go cause he was tired of all the drama I was bringing..
like a idiot I said ..okay sorry...

blah

(in reply to simpleplan2)

Post #: 4

RE: Am I being really unreasonable? - 5/17/2009 3:46:44 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

It's really quite simple....

In your time of need (family tragedy), he found someone else - the bottom line of actions speaking louder than words!

And are you really gonna sit on your butt pining for him while he's off to some rope convention with that same someone else??? Sounds very high school drama-ish....

You now have a choice - A), be an injured victim that no-one truly wants to be around or B), empower yourself and rid yourself of this vacuous flake permanently. Either way hurts but option B) retains your self-esteem (or gets it back).

And welcome to the Forums. :-)

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to anonxx)

Post #: 5

RE: Am I being really unreasonable? - 5/17/2009 4:04:57 AM

recklessambition

Posts: 3
Joined: 5/15/2009
Status: offline

You now have a choice - A), be an injured victim that no-one truly wants to be around or B), empower yourself and rid yourself of this vacuous flake permanently. Either way hurts but option B) retains your self-esteem (or gets it back).

yeah...thats exactly how I'd end up, you hit the nail on the head

okay so now all thats left to do is tell him..
wish me luck lol

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 6

RE: Am I being really unreasonable? - 5/17/2009 4:07:04 AM

recklessambition

Posts: 3
Joined: 5/15/2009
Status: offline

and yea i used a anonymous account..but im done with hiding now

(in reply to recklessambition)

Post #: 7

RE: Am I being really unreasonable? - 5/17/2009 4:07:22 AM

PanthersMom

Posts: 2215
Joined: 11/26/2007
From: Cleveland Ohio
Status: offline

he's full of it. walk away, head held high, knowing that while you were out doing the right thing, he was off playing behind your back. leopards never change their spots, this would be a pattern for the rest of your time with him. he's not worth it.

PM

_____________________________

That which does not kill me, better run pretty damn fast

I miss my ex, but my aim is improving!

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 8

RE: Am I being really unreasonable? - 5/17/2009 4:38:05 AM

Fitznicely

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

He moved on when you went to live with your mom. The fact that he didn't ever have the respect for you to come clean and tell you he'd moved on speaks volumes, doesn't it?

Carry on with your life, Reckless. I doubt you'll get much fight once you tell him, but good luck anyway...

_____________________________

I tell you this: No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn
Proud Owner of Darkmoonkat. Such a good girl!

(in reply to PanthersMom)

Post #: 9

RE: Am I being really unreasonable? - 5/17/2009 4:44:18 AM

simpleplan2

Posts: 461
Joined: 7/5/2008
Status: offline

Typical...drama queens so often accuse everyone else of bringing all the drama

(in reply to recklessambition)

Post #: 10

RE: Am I being really unreasonable? - 5/17/2009 6:20:09 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

You sound like a sweetie.

Genuine Doms who care and know what they're doing are not that easy to find. But wankers like the guy you described are pretty common.

If you simply want to replace him, it'll be easy. If you want someone worthwhile, you've got some searching to do.

Either way, dump him.

Red flags:
1. When you became briefly unavailable, he withdrew. He never said. "I realize you're going though a tough time. What can I do?"
3. He began actively looking for another sub right away.
4. He never told you about the other sub. He never told you that he had issues with you being unavailable.
5. He told you that he wants to have two subs, and the other one has accepted you. In reality, he's got a fantasy of two silent, compliant sex kittens at once, and he either never told her about you or else told her that you had dumped him.

He loves sex and he loves play. He doesn't like giving of himself, and he doesn't like people who have real life problems. He wants effortless, easy sex.

You said that you have to "tell him". Theres an alternative - ask him to set aside an hour or two for a chat with you. It's going to be a review of the points at which things went wrong, and what could be done differently to ensure that things never happen like that as well. You're prepared to change to make things better, and you expect that he will be as well.

He'll run for the hills. That would be actual work for him.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to simpleplan2)

Post #: 11

RE: Am I being really unreasonable? - 5/17/2009 6:37:26 AM

barelynangel

Posts: 6233
Status: offline

I do believe you are being unreasonable IF you are thinking of rejoining the relationship with him. Why? What the botton line is --- he moved on and found another sub while you were doing what you had to do after ending the relationship with him. The point is now - he wishes to keep his other sub AND incorporate you back into his life. If you are stamping your foot saying no you need to get rid of that other chick first or else YOU are the one in the wrong here and i am the victim, you are wrong. You have a choice he has given you -- accept what he wishes NOW and in good faith, or don't.

The important thing i saw was -- he believes YOU LEFT. Whether you agree with this or not, you aren't hearing him -- you are trying to justify what you did and blaming him for what he chose to do based on his beliefs of what you chose to do.

Yeah, shit happens, but when you are in a relationship -- you don't LEAVE one relationship to deal with something else, you incorporate the something else INTO the relationship. And if you DO leave, you don't become a victim because the one you left decides to move on or change the scope of what you had PRIOR to leaving. Sounds to me like you abandoned the relationship or decided to put stipulations on how it would proceed, instead of actually clarifyin things you presumed he would just do everything you decided to give him and he would just (because he cares and i mean hell you were taking care of your mom) fall into line. To me, instead of keeping him as part of the relationship, you patted him on the head and said -- now be a good boy and in your mind that meant he would just sit around pining for you.

So yeah, i think you are being unreasonable in trying to make him into being a jerk. Unreasonable in what you want -- no, now you simply need to find someone who is in line with your desires as this guy doesn't seem to be anymore based in a rip in the previous relationship you had with him. To me, you really could have done things differently, most solid relationships don't end because someone has to take care of other responsibilities. You are trying to say well this issue with my mom was something that i felt justified to pretty much end our relationship fpr. He took you at your decision. Your pride is hurt now that you are ready to re-enter the relationship. He has different outlook now. You aren't a victim, he isn't a jerk -- you both decided to let the relationship die and forgot that communication to verify everyone is on the same page is what keeps relationships going. YOU PRESUMED his okay meant he realize you wanted to maintain a relationship. From what it sounds like -- his okay was -- he was okaying you leaving the relationship. You said you emailed him -- he responded when you did. This many times happens when breakups are a concept of mutual.

All in all, relationships can not last by email alone, especially when you have two people interpreting things differently.

angel

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 5/17/2009 6:41:17 AM >

_____________________________

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson

(in reply to simpleplan2)

Post #: 12

RE: Am I being really unreasonable? - 5/17/2009 7:02:02 AM

GYPZYQUEEN

Posts: 730
Joined: 4/14/2009
Status: offline

I hate shit like this..It is so easy for all of us to say" Fuck him and his glass eye"
but doing it is hard..you had a connection..
HOWEVER
DID he honor the connection?
DID he contribute to your esteem or tear it down?
DID he act as your anchor or pull up and float his boat elsewhere?
DID he show concern for feelings....? the HUMAN being?
DID he contribute to your power by sharing his at all?
DID he he give you OPEN honest communication?

ASK YOURSELF:
IF you go back with him
Will you be standing in your own power?
WILL it contribute to long term security or short term gratification?
WIll it contribute to peace and security?
Will it enhance your life or drain it?

what have learned about this man thus far??....make a list of qualitites..
1) good bull shitter
2)

GQ

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 13

RE: Am I being really unreasonable? - 5/17/2009 7:10:16 AM

simpleplan2

Posts: 461
Joined: 7/5/2008
Status: offline

You hit it right on the head, Steven. If there's any work to be had, so many simply run for the hills. They want a fantasy D/s world where it's all about them and they need do nothing. Their slaves are happy to do whatever it takes to make HIM happy...she had no needs/wants/desires beyond what he says she has. What a crock!

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 14

RE: Am I being really unreasonable? - 5/17/2009 7:55:44 AM

kallisto

Posts: 1185
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Genuine Doms who care and know what they're doing are not that easy to find. But wankers like the guy you described are pretty common.

If you simply want to replace him, it'll be easy. If you want someone worthwhile, you've got some searching to do.

Very well stated.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 15

RE: Am I being really unreasonable? - 5/17/2009 8:01:57 AM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline

okay, i'm going to go against the grain here to say: so what? he found a sub to play with while you were doing your family thing and he likes it! why is it so bad, selfish and horrible for someone to not put their sexual desires and life on hold for 'the sake' of another? i'll be damned if i'm going to crawl in a hole and stop living just because my significant other has issues that i can't help them with, and in your case, it appears that you haven't even met yet, though i could be wrong; either way, it doesn't change my opinion...

my dominant partner is a sexually monogomous person and i'm not and we both know it; i know that while i'm going through a bunch of crap that i have to take care of on my own, he's not going to be sitting around watching his life pass him by; he's going to be out having fun, minus the sexual aspect but that's due to his own choices...

on the other hand, when the same situation is reversed, i will go out and have fun, but am not guaranteeing giving up my sexual desires for 'his sake' and that's my choice...

for me, sex does not equal love, and to love sex and to enjoy life when my significant other is having to deal with their own things that i can't help him with, does not make me a horrible person! why you feel like it has to be all about you is beyond me and why he should dump the plans he had prior to you getting settled (such as the rope bondage thing) is also beyond me! as a matter of fact, i feel you're being extremely selfish and unreasonable, but that's just me!

< Message edited by daddysliloneds -- 5/17/2009 8:03:06 AM >

(in reply to anonxx)

Post #: 16

RE: Am I being really unreasonable? - 5/17/2009 8:10:43 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

I think the more important thing to address here is why it makes you "feel totally worthless and withdrawn..." because he has chosen to be with another during a time you can't be with him? Have you met in real time? Have you established a relationship with specific parameters? If not, you have to consider that many things are up for grabs in this situation. It really is not productive to get wrapped up in a relationship that hasn't yet started to take root.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to anonxx)

Post #: 17

RE: Am I being really unreasonable? - 5/17/2009 8:23:00 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysliloneds

okay, i'm going to go against the grain here to say: so what? he found a sub to play with while you were doing your family thing and he likes it! why is it so bad, selfish and horrible for someone to not put their sexual desires and life on hold for 'the sake' of another? i'll be damned if i'm going to crawl in a hole and stop living just because my significant other has issues that i can't help them with, and in your case, it appears that you haven't even met yet, though i could be wrong; either way, it doesn't change my opinion...

The issue is that he was not open about it. If he had told her that he would find a stopgap sub and she agreed, this would be different. Also, he states that he wants poly but refuses to deal with the women as people instead of playthings so he's going to be a train wreck.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to daddysliloneds)

Post #: 18

RE: Am I being really unreasonable? - 5/17/2009 8:32:40 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

I think the issue is making unreasonable demands of people you've not met in real time.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 19

RE: Am I being really unreasonable? - 5/17/2009 8:33:46 AM

barelynangel

Posts: 6233
Status: offline

I agree with many, i think this wasn't a offline full time relationship to begin with snd therefore, him finding someone offline to establish a relationship while she was off dealing with unfortunate issues in her life -- was not something that was wrong and yes, to me it is unreasonable for her to expect or even demand he wait for her. BUT even to me if it was offline and full time -- the OP says clearly -- he believed she left...

Was he required to tell someone he felt left a relationship what is going on in his life? No, to me, he was not. When she then decided she was ready to RE-ENTER the relationship, he let her know as well as his stipulations.

You have to remember even the OP states he believes she LEFT him and may do so again. He didn't encourage her, but responded to her when she contacted him. Many people who break up do this if its mutual.

Sounds to me like she was thinking ONE thing and he was thinking another. I don't believe the guy is the BAD guy because he moved on from a relationship it seems he felt was over based in what the OP wrote. This seriously sounds like neither communicated what the other believed was happening -- you can't "blame" one more than another for communication issues. He WAS honest with her and told her exactly what was going on WHEN he realized she wanted to attempt a relationship again. So i fail to see why people would believe he had to tell someone who he believes left him and his relationship what he was doing in his life. When my boyfriends and i broke up in the past for whatever reason or ended a relationship, i didn't feel the need to inform them of my decisions regarding others in my life.

Sorry, this guy doesn't seem to be the bad guy people are trying to make him into -- it sounds like the OP thought one thing when she left and he thought another. Misinterpretations suck, lack of clarified communication sucks, but you can't put the blame of misunderstandings or wrong assumptions on one party more than another.

angel

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 5/17/2009 8:35:56 AM >

_____________________________

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Am I being really unreasonable?

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094