RE: What to do?

RE: What to do? (Full Version)

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GYPZYQUEEN -> RE: What to do? (5/18/2009 1:46:50 AM)
IT IS NONE OF HIS BUSINESS.. did he bring back an apron and ask what it was for? did he bring back a broken tea cup and ask "how did this break?" did he bring back an ELVIS dash ornament and say "curious where you got this?" NO!!! he BROUGHT back something private with the purpose of snooping.. Saying he thought you did not know it was in there is like saying you might want it back..why? for what?... TO USE ON HIM??[>:] saying "curiosity is killing me" is really shitty he may be one of these narrow folks that think any kink means you" DO" anyone.. DON'T even talk to him about it...[:'(]let curiosity kill him[:'(] GQ

Sunnyfey -> RE: What to do? (5/18/2009 2:01:11 AM)
I'd smile very sweetly while holding them and say "I loved him very much." And keep it at that. Or if you are seeing this as a possible romantic situation, leave a copy of S&M 101 or some such thing around, since he apparently likes looking at your things. Either way, it's...kind of weird having a friend do something like that, and would leave me blushing and at a loss of words if I dident expect it from them.

athenasowl -> RE: What to do? (5/18/2009 7:04:57 AM)
I agree with NuevaVida.... if he had any tact he would have simply ignored them, realized it wasn't his business.

subtlebutterfly -> RE: What to do? (5/18/2009 7:08:22 AM)
What's wrong with saying: "We liked to have fun in the bedroom." ? There's nothing disrespectful about that n most everybody does it anyway, can't see the harm in that and the dude can use his imagination for the rest. He'll probably interpret whatever answer you give him to his liking anyway.[8\|]

chamberqueen -> RE: What to do? (5/18/2009 7:17:00 AM)
Actually, I think it was nice that he thought to return them and leave a note. You certainly don't have to call him about them. If the subject ever comes up you can try to brush it away with a smile and a one liner such as, "you never know what kinds of things you'll find when you're cleaning". If he pushes just let him know that you loved your husband very much and that you feel that some things should be kept private. The friend was probably shocked and didn't know what to do. He may well have thought that you would want the cuffs back. I don't automatically jump to the conclusion that he had any ulterior motive, but if he does you can just let him know that those were something of value to your husband and you but only in that context. Many people are titillated by signs of BDSM and are naturally curious but you don't have to talk about it any more than you want to.

GreedyTop -> RE: What to do? (5/18/2009 7:26:33 AM)
"Thank you for returning these, but - no offense intended - I'm just not comfortable discussing things that were intimate between myself and my husband"

sirsholly -> RE: What to do? (5/18/2009 7:30:57 AM)
quote: What am I going to say when I talk to RL? Janie...first, i am so very sorry for the loss of your husband. As to what to say to RL...i would not say a word, allowing him to bring it up. If he is rude enough to do so, i would give him the statement i have used in the past: If you forgive me for not answering, i will forgive you for asking. Sorta cuts 'em off at the knees.

GreedyTop -> RE: What to do? (5/18/2009 7:35:03 AM)
oooh...good answer, Holly :)

CreativeDominant -> RE: What to do? (5/18/2009 8:08:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: janiebelle Yesterday morning RL (my late husband's friend who still helps me out around the homestead) came by to help with a few things. I was cleaning up the garage a bit, clearing up the clutter on the workbench. I told him to go ahead and take the couple of boxes that were on the workbench in the garage- it was nothing but old tools and other junk men keep in their garage, right? Well, this afternoon he comes by my house while I'm out in the garden. I come back into the house to find a paper sack on the kitchen counter that was not there when I went out. I open the sack, and there is a set of leather cuffs and a note that says: Janes, I didn't figure you knew these were in that box. Give me a call when you get a chance- the curiousity is killing me. RL I remember now my husband taking the cuffs out to the garage to fix the stitching and put smaller rings on them. I guess he never got to them before he went to the hospital. Needless to say, in the months following his death, I never did an inventory of every trinket that was part of our D/s life. What am I going to say when I talk to RL? The truth, I'm afraid, might be disrespectful to my husband's memory. A lie (even if I could come up with a good one) is just inviting bad karma in my thinking. "None of your f'n business" would be terribly rude to say to such a good friend. Arrghhhh...how did I get myself into this? j Well, I have to note this first...since you told him to take the boxes, his finding of the cuffs was happenstance, not due to his snooping or your negligence. However, finding something that is certainly of a different nature than other tools found in there probably did start his mind to wandering. That said, finding something that gives one's mind reason to wander and deciding to ask someone about it to satisfy that wandering are two different things. I don't believe that, given the circumstances of the finding and your husband's death that I personally would've asked about it as I would consider it none of my business, even if I didn't know about D/s and BDSM. That said, he has asked about it. Your answer is probably going to depend on how others here view his asking about it put together with your own feelings. I like holly's answer personally as it tends to go along...as you can tell...with my own thoughts on this. Of course, your answer also depends on how much your friend knew/knows about your life with your husband but given the question, I'd have to say that he didn't know that aspect. Does he need to know it now?

agirl -> RE: What to do? (5/18/2009 8:11:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GYPZYQUEEN IT IS NONE OF HIS BUSINESS.. did he bring back an apron and ask what it was for? did he bring back a broken tea cup and ask "how did this break?" did he bring back an ELVIS dash ornament and say "curious where you got this?" NO!!! he BROUGHT back something private with the purpose of snooping.. Saying he thought you did not know it was in there is like saying you might want it back..why? for what?... TO USE ON HIM??[>:] saying "curiosity is killing me" is really shitty he may be one of these narrow folks that think any kink means you" DO" anyone.. DON'T even talk to him about it...[:'(]let curiosity kill him[:'(] GQ Crikey......... finding an apron, a cup or a some ornament isn't quite the same as finding something that hints at a perhaps lifestyle that you don't usually stumble upon. It basically depends on what kind of relationship you have with said guy, how open you are as a person and how you viewed your life with your partner. It wouldn't be at all disrespectful to my blokes memory to say that they were part of the life we had. If he's a good friend he'll more than likely respect WHATEVER you tell him. If you don't want to talk about it or discuss it , simply say so. * I'd rather not talk about it*. One thing I found after my husband died, is that that comment was pretty difficult to push, even for the nosiest arses. agirl

Missokyst -> RE: What to do? (5/18/2009 9:45:33 AM)
The man is fishing, you can take the bait or swim away. Personally I don't see anything unique about finding handcuffs in a box. I have a huge amount of items stuffed in drawers, boxes, ect that I never did anything with, nor intended to, they are just there. Why would he assume the cuffs were for kinky sex and not just .. junk you collect over the years that may have caught your eye? And who is to say those cuffs were not obtained from a prior girlfriend and hidden away from your view? What you tell him is up to you. But personally I would ignore it. Kyst

janiebelle -> RE: What to do? (5/18/2009 10:08:11 AM)
And the story ends pretty simply. I didn't call him, but I saw him this morning when he came by to pick up his dog (which was why he had stopped by yesterday but he couldn't get his dog because he was with a bitch). I didn't have a chance to bring up the "bag of tricks", as he called it, before he did. I felt like an absolute fool when I realized I had misinterpreted the note. He told me he was sorry for just dropping the cuffs on the counter, but thought that it was actually preferable than having to hand them to me if it was not what he thought. Side note for those who wondered- yes, I do see this man every day or two, and he is one of the three people who can walk right into my house without an escort. Anyway, his curiousity question had nothing to do with the cuffs. His impression was I had stashed the cuffs out there and forgotten about it. He thought I got them out of the bedroom because I had started seeing someone who might have run across them. His curiousity was about whether I had found a new love. Apparently I was off on the thought that talking about my life with my husband would be disprescpetful in one light, but correct in another. RL told me that even though my husband always appeared prettty "straight up", there were a few exchanges between them regarding the dynamic of our relationship. RL is pretty perceptive, and it was apparent to him that I behaved much differently toward my husband than I did toward other men. To make a long story even longer, he was relaxed and cool about he whole thing. Turns out he's familiar with WIITWD on a first person level. Could have knocked me over with a feather. But thinking about what I had seen between him and his last girlfriend...Heck, I missed the forest for the trees. Caught up in my own D/s marriage, I never noticed his obviously Dom interactions. I get the feeling that the "few exchanges" I mentioned earlier might have been more in depth than I would have believed. In the end, it's nice to have a good friend who I am now comfortable to confide in, as it turns out he was "one of us" all along, but had better manners than to say anything to me. All in all, a pretty happy ending. I was worried for no good reason. But isn't that the way it so often goes?[:)] j

leadership527 -> RE: What to do? (5/18/2009 10:34:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: janiebelle What am I going to say when I talk to RL? The truth, I'm afraid, might be disrespectful to my husband's memory. A lie (even if I could come up with a good one) is just inviting bad karma in my thinking. "None of your f'n business" would be terribly rude to say to such a good friend. Well, you've correclty narrowed it down to only 3 choices. I guess my personal choice would be based upon my feeling about the individual. Is he genuinely curious about an alternate lifestyle that not many ever get to see up close? Is he safe? If so, then why not give him the cliff notes version? On the other hand, if your spidey sense is tingling, it's probably best to heed it. Like you, I dislike direct lies. But a simple answer like, "I don't wish to discuss the personal life shared between myself and my dead husband." ought to pretty much do the trick. Honestly, anyone who got offended at that is not much of a friend to start with. You should know that under no circumstances do I see this as disrespectful to your husband's memory. Look, you either perceive what you two were doing to be loving and good or you don't. If you do, then that is also the way you will convey it. And while it is true that during your life together he elected not to share this information with the friend, that doesn't really mean much. I'm barely smart enough to run Carol's life while I'm alive and paying attention to it as it unfolds. I would not presume to understand what the wise decisions were in a situation I'd never seen. If you two were married, then I would hope that the one pretty much rock solid thing between him and you was that the marriage itself was a vote of confidence in you and your judgements. So go ahead and choose to the best of your ability and wisdeom. That, at least, is certainly what I would want Carol to do in a similar situation. quote: ORIGINAL: janiebelle Arrghhhh...how did I get myself into this? You got yourself into this by having a disconnect between your private and public lives. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it is the answer to your question.

kdsub -> RE: What to do? (5/18/2009 10:34:53 AM)
I'd tell him it was a joke present from your husband and you thought they were thrown out years ago... tell him he is welcome to them if he likes you have no interest in them. I would only say the above if you wanted your life to remain private. Ignoring him or admitting you used them would only encourage gossip behind your back. If you don't mind your friends and neighbors knowing your private business then either ignore him or tell him the truth. Butch

hlen5 -> RE: What to do? (5/18/2009 11:09:36 AM)
Janiebelle, I'm glad it was resolved so easily for you!!

sirsholly -> RE: What to do? (5/18/2009 11:54:17 AM)
Glad it worked out well for you! BTW...i would have drawn the exact same conclusion from the note as you did.

TickledToDeath -> RE: What to do? (5/18/2009 12:02:30 PM)
First off, since I did not know till this post, my most sincere condolences on your loss. I will leave that there as to not drum up the hurt any more so. As for your inquiry, just be honest. It's not as if you are going to DO anything with RL. Just talk and be forthright since he is indeed a friend and as a friend, I would doubt and hope he would not ask you TO do anything with him out of respect for his friend and your late husband. No use hiding the obvious.

LadyPact -> RE: What to do? (5/18/2009 12:07:00 PM)
I just wanted to pop on the thread to say that I'm glad it is now resolved and you feel better about it.

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