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Punishment and long distance relations - 5/18/2009 1:42:15 PM

RedEyedKira

Posts: 12
Joined: 10/7/2008
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I earned my first punishment from Ma'am today. I realized today I did something I should have asked about first, owned up to it and acknowledge I deserve the punishment I know is coming. No excuses and I'll know better if a similar situation arises.

Problem is its monday, and I won't see her till Sunday to get my punishment. and its really really hurting me cause I can't move on right now.

how do the rest of you deal?

Post #: 1

RE: Punishment and long distance relations - 5/18/2009 3:36:04 PM

Arpig

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I don't know, maybe treat the wait as part of the punishment, time to reflect maybe

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RE: Punishment and long distance relations - 5/18/2009 4:45:09 PM

whimzgirl

Posts: 21
Joined: 4/19/2009
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Kira,

I agree it is very difficult when you have to wait and stew over a punishment that you know is coming. For me I try not to think on it too terribly much other than to think enough on it to make sure I learn the lesson required so I don't have to go there again. I make sure I don't re-read the punishment talk too much if it was something we discussed via e-mail or chat and if it was something that happened on the telephone, I try not to keep reliving the conversation anymore than is required to learn the lesson. It is very hard to put it out of your mind but for me there really isn't any other way to continue functioning. I will stew over things if I don't stop myself and then I am not very good at anything I try to do.

I try to avoid punishments like the plague but unfortunately they happen. My Master and I do not get to see each other as much as we would like so there are times I have to wait a week or so before receiving a punishment I have coming so I completely understand how you feel. I truly believe there is a reason for everything and that includes having to wait for the punishment to occur.

I wish you well this week and that it is a fast week for you!

Hugs,

gabby

(in reply to RedEyedKira)

Post #: 3

RE: Punishment and long distance relations - 5/18/2009 11:04:18 PM

greenearth21

Posts: 228
Joined: 7/9/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: whimzgirl

Kira,

I agree it is very difficult when you have to wait and stew over a punishment that you know is coming. For me I try not to think on it too terribly much other than to think enough on it to make sure I learn the lesson required so I don't have to go there again. I make sure I don't re-read the punishment talk too much if it was something we discussed via e-mail or chat and if it was something that happened on the telephone, I try not to keep reliving the conversation anymore than is required to learn the lesson. It is very hard to put it out of your mind but for me there really isn't any other way to continue functioning. I will stew over things if I don't stop myself and then I am not very good at anything I try to do.

I try to avoid punishments like the plague but unfortunately they happen. My Master and I do not get to see each other as much as we would like so there are times I have to wait a week or so before receiving a punishment I have coming so I completely understand how you feel. I truly believe there is a reason for everything and that includes having to wait for the punishment to occur.

I wish you well this week and that it is a fast week for you!

Hugs,

gabby

I'm in agreement! I think that is the most productive way to deal with it; otherwise one or I would only dig myself more into mysery and sometimes that has led me to bad behaviour...such as attempting to get out of it. Rather, I learn from my mistake, hope somehow its forgotton (although I dont think thats really my true hope) and move from it.

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Post #: 4

RE: Punishment and long distance relations - 5/19/2009 6:44:16 AM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
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I don't have a reward / punishment dynamic with my slave.

You don't hafta relate in this manner, if you don't want to. Just choose a partner who's not interested in it.

Works for me and mine.

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(in reply to RedEyedKira)

Post #: 5

RE: Punishment and long distance relations - 5/20/2009 11:35:10 AM

RedEyedKira

Posts: 12
Joined: 10/7/2008
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Thank you for the actual helpful responses I got. Monday was just really hard for me cause I'm new to the D/s thing, it's not my first 'punishment' per say but it's my first from Her and I really care that I disapponted her. Honestly I'd be more lost if She wasn't.

@dreamerdrraming that great that works for you and her but it doesn't for me, I need this to be forgiven(even tho She has verbally forgiven me) so I can move on.

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Post #: 6

RE: Punishment and long distance relations - 5/20/2009 11:57:12 AM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RedEyedKira

Thank you for the actual helpful responses I got. Monday was just really hard for me cause I'm new to the D/s thing, it's not my first 'punishment' per say but it's my first from Her and I really care that I disapponted her. Honestly I'd be more lost if She wasn't.

@dreamerdrraming that great that works for you and her but it doesn't for me, I need this to be forgiven(even tho She has verbally forgiven me) so I can move on.

Mmkay, so you need it for closure. Understood.

My suggestion: write a short bit about the offense and how it came to pass, and what you'll do instead next time. To plan for the future, so not to make the same mistakes. To help you think it through. Then you can move on to thinking about other things, while you await the day. You could also email it to her in the meantime.

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(in reply to RedEyedKira)

Post #: 7

RE: Punishment and long distance relations - 5/20/2009 3:28:38 PM

RedEyedKira

Posts: 12
Joined: 10/7/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming
Mmkay, so you need it for closure. Understood.

My suggestion: write a short bit about the offense and how it came to pass, and what you'll do instead next time. To plan for the future, so not to make the same mistakes. To help you think it through. Then you can move on to thinking about other things, while you await the day. You could also email it to her in the meantime.

I get the feeling you don't but I could be misreading due to the fact, well this is the internet and is easy to misread with no inflection.

we've traded several emails talking about it and phone calls. reflection has been done, talking has been done. I understand what I did and can relate it to things that might come up in the future.

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)

Post #: 8

RE: Punishment and long distance relations - 5/21/2009 11:30:26 AM

ohsocheekyslave

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Joined: 4/21/2009
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Maybe the week of waiting for your punishment - dwelling and stewing on it - is actually the punishment itself?

just a thought... is the kind of thing this girls former Master would have done! Fucker! haha

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Post #: 9

RE: Punishment and long distance relations - 5/21/2009 11:34:03 AM

Phoenixpower

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RedEyedKira

how do the rest of you deal?

Well...I deal fine with it, as it is YOU who is going to get the punishment and not me, right?

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(in reply to RedEyedKira)

Post #: 10

RE: Punishment and long distance relations - 5/21/2009 11:53:51 AM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedEyedKira

quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming
Mmkay, so you need it for closure. Understood.

My suggestion: write a short bit about the offense and how it came to pass, and what you'll do instead next time. To plan for the future, so not to make the same mistakes. To help you think it through. Then you can move on to thinking about other things, while you await the day. You could also email it to her in the meantime.

I get the feeling you don't but I could be misreading due to the fact, well this is the internet and is easy to misread with no inflection.

we've traded several emails talking about it and phone calls. reflection has been done, talking has been done. I understand what I did and can relate it to things that might come up in the future.

Mmkay, so you've been there, done that. Good for you!

But as ohsocheekyslave pointed out, maybe part of the punishment is for you to stew on it. Have you asked your Domme if this is her intention? She would be the logical person to ask, about how you should get through this time.

What would she prefer that you do?

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(in reply to RedEyedKira)

Post #: 11

RE: Punishment and long distance relations - 5/21/2009 11:56:35 AM

RedEyedKira

Posts: 12
Joined: 10/7/2008
Status: offline

OMG WOW!!! That is soo just totally helpful I think my mind is blown!!!

Seriously, please detect the sarcasm here. If you've got nothing helpful to add please refrain from posting when someone is asking for advice and help. Its a legit question and I wanted help on how other people, ie SUBS deal with whole situation.

helpful info=wanted
inane post count increasing, nonhelpful posts=why bother posting?

@ohsocheekyslave- lol that'd be nice but I doubt it. This wasn't a huge mistake on my part so I am hoping its nothing that will huge. either way I'll except what I'm given.

(in reply to Phoenixpower)

Post #: 12

RE: Punishment and long distance relations - 5/21/2009 12:53:38 PM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

I think part of the punishment is just knowing it is coming. Once i had a displine (not a punishment) coming and Master kept it hanging over my head for a bit. When i finally got it it was not as bad as my mind had blown it up to be. The best thing you can do it try to take your mind off of it. That was my mistake i did not so it just loomed bigger anf bigger. At least now it is only 2 days until you see her. I am sure you learned not to do whatever it was you did, and the punishment will give you closure and you can move on. Hope i helped a little.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to RedEyedKira)

Post #: 13

RE: Punishment and long distance relations - 5/22/2009 12:40:31 PM

offeredup

Posts: 42
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

To each her/his own, but it's been long proven that positive reinforcement far outshines negative in teaching, changing behavior, improving performance, etc., and usually fails miserably in resolving relationship issues.

If you offended or hurt your mistress, even in a small way, i would advise coming up for air soon as you meet, apologizing, listening to her grievances, discussing and resolving underlying issues before getting back into roles.

Like Dreamer, my Mistress made plain she did not believe in punishment in the conventional sense of behavior modification. Behavioral punishment would have ruined the erotic beauty of it for both of us as an erotic power exchange ritual.

(And, She vowed never to punish out of anger.)

Under this dynamic, she would exercise her right to punish me at any time, without needing a reason.

And even though it could prove unpleasant to me physically for a time -- as we all know -- this would take me down deeper into my submission and bond me to her.

If i screwed up, i could tell right away because it put distance between us and that hurt more than an physical punishment.

(in reply to littleone35)

Post #: 14

RE: Punishment and long distance relations - 5/22/2009 1:36:01 PM

trappedinamuseum

Posts: 5066
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedEyedKira

OMG WOW!!! That is soo just totally helpful I think my mind is blown!!!

Seriously, please detect the sarcasm here. If you've got nothing helpful to add please refrain from posting when someone is asking for advice and help. Its a legit question and I wanted help on how other people, ie SUBS deal with whole situation.

I think that if you were responding to whom I think you were responding to, that their response was very helpful.

You are right, that was a legitimate question. However, that was also a legitimate answer. What does it matter how we deal with it? That has no bearing on how you will, and should, personally deal with it. So, in essence, the answer of, "It is not my problem, you figure it out" actually seems quite helpful, at least to me.

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RE: Punishment and long distance relations - 5/22/2009 2:13:42 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: trappedinamuseum

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedEyedKira

OMG WOW!!! That is soo just totally helpful I think my mind is blown!!!

Seriously, please detect the sarcasm here. If you've got nothing helpful to add please refrain from posting when someone is asking for advice and help. Its a legit question and I wanted help on how other people, ie SUBS deal with whole situation.

I think that if you were responding to whom I think you were responding to, that their response was very helpful.

You are right, that was a legitimate question. However, that was also a legitimate answer. What does it matter how we deal with it? That has no bearing on how you will, and should, personally deal with it. So, in essence, the answer of, "It is not my problem, you figure it out" actually seems quite helpful, at least to me.

Well, pheonixpower did have a bit of a snarky response.

But its okay because she has pictures of her cat in the snow, on her profile. Absolutely fabulous!

To reiterate my last point: the better question for the OP to be asking/answering, is what is her Domme's preference? How does she want her to be spending her time in the interim?

The answer to that line of questioning should be much more important than what a bunch of strangers online think, IMHO. Especially because her Domme may prefer the OP to come up with her own solutions.

< Message edited by dreamerdreaming -- 5/22/2009 2:15:01 PM >

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Post #: 16

RE: Punishment and long distance relations - 5/26/2009 2:36:00 PM

RedEyedKira

Posts: 12
Joined: 10/7/2008
Status: offline

So Ma'am has advised me not to bother asking for advice here anymore after seeing the so called "helpful" replies posted.

my main reason not to bother would be if this is Ask a Submissive section, why I got so many Tops answering when as Top(unless they have sub'd before or switch) have no real grasp on what I was trying to deal with and thus came here for help.

So yeah, sincere thanks you's to;
littleone35
ohsocheekyslave
greenearth21
whimzgirl

the rest of you with your 'I don't knows' and judging how O/our dynamic works, please get off your high horses for a few and remember this Lifestyle has many different walks and when we start judging each other how can we expect those Vanillas not to do the same?

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)

Post #: 17

RE: Punishment and long distance relations - 5/26/2009 3:20:16 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Personally when Master says I have a punishment coming and I know it won't be until we see each other, I tend to let it sit in the very back of my mind because honestly I have lots of other stuff going on with work, taking care of my home, my UM, family, etc...that I don't have time to just sit and dwell on it.

If you're finding that this is all you can think about then maybe try taking up a hobby or a second job?

Or ask your Mistress for a punishment you can do long distance to get it over with so it won't bother you and you can finally move on.

I know when Master punishes me I'm absolved immediately, forgiven and it's done. There's no dwelling on it or anything like that. What's done is done and we move on. Sounds like that's what you need.

Time to talk to your Domme.

(in reply to RedEyedKira)

Post #: 18

RE: Punishment and long distance relations - 5/26/2009 3:25:12 PM

oceanwinds

Posts: 530
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedEyedKira

So Ma'am has advised me not to bother asking for advice here anymore after seeing the so called "helpful" replies posted.

my main reason not to bother would be if this is Ask a Submissive section, why I got so many Tops answering when as Top(unless they have sub'd before or switch) have no real grasp on what I was trying to deal with and thus came here for help.

So yeah, sincere thanks you's to;
littleone35
ohsocheekyslave
greenearth21
whimzgirl

the rest of you with your 'I don't knows' and judging how O/our dynamic works, please get off your high horses for a few and remember this Lifestyle has many different walks and when we start judging each other how can we expect those Vanillas not to do the same?

You really cant always get what you want Redeyed:). I did read your post but chose to not respond. I was exhausted reading posts on my thread about coping with punishment. Took what worked for me and left the rest. It though would never occur to me to attack those who left an opinion. Prior to starting my thread i did a search and knew punishment is a hot burning topic, so was prepared. i stayed in cms with those who i was able to resonate with and their help was great. Perhaps this might be something to ponder the next time, if you wish to start a thread.

blessings
oceanwinds

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Post #: 19

RE: Punishment and long distance relations - 5/26/2009 3:29:57 PM

JstAnotherSub

Posts: 6174
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedEyedKira

So Ma'am has advised me not to bother asking for advice here anymore after seeing the so called "helpful" replies posted.

my main reason not to bother would be if this is Ask a Submissive section, why I got so many Tops answering when as Top(unless they have sub'd before or switch) have no real grasp on what I was trying to deal with and thus came here for help.

So yeah, sincere thanks you's to;
littleone35
ohsocheekyslave
greenearth21
whimzgirl

the rest of you with your 'I don't knows' and judging how O/our dynamic works, please get off your high horses for a few and remember this Lifestyle has many different walks and when we start judging each other how can we expect those Vanillas not to do the same?

wow.......i had to go back and read the replies again to find the high horses and judgemental folks.....all i saw was all kinds of advice, offered in most respectful ways.

good luck with your week.......once the week is over and the punishment in the rearview mirror, perhaps you can come back and reread this thread with a more open, non hurting mind and learn something from it.

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