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RE: What can I do - 5/20/2009 4:38:41 AM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline 		Well according to your profile you don't have a master. So if this is something new and it's not working for you, move on and find a relationship with someone who meets your needs.

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(in reply to FireofGoddess)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: What can I do - 5/20/2009 7:30:54 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		Do you WANT to wear dresses, heels and make-up every day? Is it something that'll benefit your life or your mental well-being? Or is it something he gets a kick out of?

There are two ways of seeing this, neither of which are at all clear from your post.

If you've complained that you spend all day in your pyjamas and wish you could take more care of yourself and feel great when you do...........he could be insisting with very good intentions, despite you not liking it.

If he's ordering you about, has no idea what your life entails, is interested only in getting his jollies...then he's motivated by his own NON-mutual selfishness.

Only you can know the answer to that.

agirl

(in reply to FireofGoddess)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: What can I do - 5/20/2009 8:17:59 AM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		Send him a brief, polite email saying "Thank you for your time and consideration, but our needs don't match up well at all. We are just not a good fit for each other. I wish you luck in your future endeavors, goodbye." Or something to that effect.

Next time don't settle for someone who obviously is a bad match for you. Stop wasting your time and theirs.

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(in reply to FireofGoddess)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: What can I do - 5/20/2009 9:23:34 AM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		Man I love the crap I read on threads like this.

"He wants you to wear Heels? Dump the Bastard!"

I mean Holy Fucking Hell, Imagine if he wanted her to bring him a Soda! That would be a Hard Limit.

Lets Address something I think is being missed. She is a SWITCH and she took a MASTER, The dynamic with that Master is whowever SHE and HE worked it out. Obviously there wasn't much consideration taken in that discussion. Asking andi to wear dresses and Heels is not a reality all the time. For one her Job would be damn near impossible. But there are times I EXPECT her in proper attire. When we go out to a Restraunt YES she is expected to dress properly, this is not an option and I have sent her back to change a few times till she got the Idea that there was a level of dress I expected of her and now she knows to ask if she does not understand.

Also Working and UM's do not means that you no longer have any time it just means that ones time is limited. Perhaps once she is home from work and the UM's are fed and cared for THEN is a good time to put on the Dress and the Heels and the Make-Up.

I do not think what your Master is expecting of you is too much, I think you are balking at the control which as I understand it can be common when a Switch takes a Dynamic that does not allow for the otherside to manifest within it. In Example, she is always submissive to him and can only be dominant with other people, if the dominant side is ignored for too long resentment is bred and the submissive balks at orders.

If you as a sub agreed to his request and you did not follow through then YES you should be in trouble because YOU AGREEDED TO DO IT. If you said you did not know if you would be able to and he still expected it then possibly there is another outlet for discussion. The Point is if you take this relationship seriously then you need to determine Priorities. In my home the UM's are not an ALL DAY NEVER REST situation, work is only so much of your day.

The main question is are you not doing it because you do not want to be controlled or are you not doing it because you are making choices to do other things rather than what your Master has expected of you?

Steel

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(in reply to dreamerdreaming)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: What can I do - 5/20/2009 12:12:23 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Come on now, you're smart enough to know the suggestion to dump him here came only after the refusal to listen to her when she says she can't wear hells it's un realistic in this case. It's not an automatic oh my god he wants something dump him thing.  If someone won't negotiate on something that is un realistic you obviously have a choice, lie and say yes you are wearing hells, and if you have any integrity at all you wouldn't do that in my opinion, or tell him I said no, and if you insist we're not compatible good by.


It's not like he said wear heels and she said no I am dumping you.
quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

Man I love the crap I read on threads like this.

"He wants you to wear Heels? Dump the Bastard!"

I mean Holy Fucking Hell, Imagine if he wanted her to bring him a Soda! That would be a Hard Limit.

Steel

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: What can I do - 5/20/2009 12:22:54 PM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		The Problem I am having with this YHMA is that we do not KNOW the dynamic and to suggest leaving in ANY regard just screams. "If it isn't you way fuck um, it's all about you right?"

what she posts about discussing it with him lime many other things on this site is a one sided issue which she is presenting it back to us as she understands it. It may not be how it is she is Balking and being Stubbon about it. So far I have not heard that there are requirements on WHEN it must be done just that he wants it done and in that she is just saying no I can't and not really trying.

It's Heels, a Dress, and some Eye Liner for Gods Sakes, It isn't like he asking her to solve Sundays SoDuKu in under 10 minutes he is asking her to show him that she cares about how he wants her appearance and if she isn't willing to make a little time to do a beauty ritual then it is obvious that she doesn't have the time necessary to deal with a Master because I can assure you that is far more time consuming.

I mean I'm calling a spade a spade here, if she is saying she doesn't have time I'll call bullshit right now. She has time to dress herself with OTHER clothes if she set out the Dress and the Heels TIME CONSUMPTION WISE she would not be losing any real time. This is about her not WANTING to. See andi used to give that same bullshit excuse too because she wanter her comfort to come before my desire to not be out to dinner with someone who looks like a slob. It's MORE comfortable to wear the jeans and the baggie sweater but it isn't visually appealing to me. So what is more important to the submissive? That she be Comfortable? Or that she be Pleasing to her Master?

When you answer that question it will be easier to determine if this relationship should continue or not.

Steel

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(in reply to YourhandMyAss)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: What can I do - 5/20/2009 12:26:33 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		I don't think the *order* in and of itself a biggie........but then again , nor are many of the things that sub/slaves write here about. It's usually bugger-all to do with the daft order but more that there's a lack of some other kind in the union.

agirl

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: What can I do - 5/20/2009 12:44:48 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		That's true we don't know if any one is telling the truth, as it pertains to the issue, he could of said ok only dress up when with me after she talked to him, and she herself could still be balking because she doesn't wish to period.

I would still suggest leaving though, if two people couldn't or wouldn't come to a compromise, why be in a relationship where they're asking things of you, you're not willing to do. And that ties in with your ending statement.

So what is more important to the submissive? That she be Comfortable? Or that she be Pleasing to her Master?

When you answer that question it will be easier to determine if this relationship should continue or not.
quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah



what she posts about discussing it with him lime many other things on this site is a one sided issue which she is presenting it back to us as she understands it. It may not be how it is

Steel

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: What can I do - 5/20/2009 12:53:46 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		I personally refuse to wear high heels, and I don't believe in wearing makeup, I guess in this situation I wouldn't of gotten involved with someone who dictated doing something I didn't believe in.

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: What can I do - 5/20/2009 1:17:45 PM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		That was my point. Andi wears no make-up but she is also very naturally pretty. She does however like to dress in what she calls comfortable clothing I call it slobby dress.

I also am fond of women dressing like women. I like the Dresses and the Hair things it is a visual that seperates the sexes that I am fond of. I don;t care for jeans and pants on women however I know at times it is more appropriate to wear them then say a miniskirt would be.

Maybe they should break up, however if the break up is because of his desire for her to wear dresses and heels she might want to address her desire to be in a Power Dynamic Style Relationship because I must say I would not think highly of ANYONE who ended a relationship because they were not willing to do the bear minimum to please thier partner.

Even I as the Dominant in my Relationship want to do things that are pleaseing for my partner, if I didn't then I am sure it would be easier for her to, should a situation arise, choose to leave me. However as it stands life for her is VERY good, so even when I want something from her that is difficult or that she REALLY doesn't like it is still easier to just do it than it is to walk away from what we have.

I would suggest the OP take a long hard look at why they are involved in this lifestyle and what they want to get out of it and what they are willing to put back into it to get what they want and then ask themselves if that flow will balance. If andi did not meet my basic and not so basic requirements I would not be with her and if I did not meet hers there is little chance she would put up with Half the shit that I do.

Steel

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(in reply to YourhandMyAss)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: What can I do - 5/20/2009 1:24:21 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Hehehe my idea of comfortable dressing, is a one piece dress, kind of roomy, lets me move around well,  since I hate waste bands  and I hate things that are kind of tightish, and how they seem to dig into me and will actually in time seem to squeeze more and more and more.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

That was my point. Andi wears no make-up but she is also very naturally pretty. She does however like to dress in what she calls comfortable clothing I call it slobby dress.

I also am fond of women dressing like women. I like the Dresses and the Hair things it is a visual that seperates the sexes that I am fond of. I don;t care for jeans and pants on women however I know at times it is more appropriate to wear them then say a miniskirt would be.

Steel

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: What can I do - 5/20/2009 1:27:14 PM   
GYPZYQUEEN


Posts: 730
Joined: 4/14/2009
Status: offline 		The Master wants her to look ...in a way that pleases him

It is what they do...OFTEN
 
IF she cannot go so far as to organize her life in a way to please him wheather on line when they are interacting or in the daily life by a simple dress code..wtf?

What is her job that she cannot do this?  does he know? THEN TALK...
If its shoveling shit in  barn well heels might not work..

IT IS NOT HARD to dress in a skirt with heels and have your hair "done"
The opposite of done is undone...sooooooooo   ???????
There are many 5 minute make up and hair tip websites for moms   on line..

IF one really wanted to please a Master then they would go and find out HOW to do this WITHIN their present life circumstance..adapt...modify..incorperate

as well
sometimes a MASTER ask such things in order to mould and build esteem..
prehaps he feels dressing up will help in feeling womanly( individual)..rather than mama-ly..
or contribute to inner esteem through beauty rituals..
Perhap he asks "have you done what I told you?"
in order to see if she cares about her appearance as well as pleasing him..

WHAT TO DO??

Find a way to do it ...
if you cannot do something as simple as this it shows this MAY not work
 
I always take into consideration...family ..children etc...with my boys
and having 3 children and having taught school for 20 years I understand that many many things( BDSM included) can still be done and incorperated in for others while havng a job and children
 
GQ

< Message edited by GYPZYQUEEN -- 5/20/2009 1:30:19 PM >

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: What can I do - 5/20/2009 1:29:35 PM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline
quote:

That was my point. Andi wears no make-up but she is also very naturally pretty. She does however like to dress in what she calls comfortable clothing I call it slobby dress.

I also am fond of women dressing like women. I like the Dresses and the Hair things it is a visual that seperates the sexes that I am fond of. I don;t care for jeans and pants on women however I know at times it is more appropriate to wear them then say a miniskirt would be.
Steel, you and Jim are bookends, as are Andi and i.

In our defense, as moms of little ones, it is so hard to focus on ourselves as we once did. When i read that you like hair things, my first thought was how large of a bald spot my son would leave when he did a "run-by" and grabbed it.


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(in reply to SteelofUtah)
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RE: What can I do - 5/20/2009 2:24:12 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		I find a vast difference between the fact that she apparently has only an online situtation.  I agree completely that looking visually pleasing for someone is important.  But if you aren't seeing me, I don't get the point.  Now, I don't have esteem issues that I'm looking to improve on.  I'm happy with who I am.  I wouldn't dream of meeting someone face to face in sweats, no makeup and a ponytail.  But if i'm cleaning my house and stop to chat on line for a few, I'm not going to put on a dress, makeup and heels to do so.  Because I don't do "online" I can only assume that is different.

(in reply to sirsholly)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: What can I do - 5/21/2009 12:59:24 AM   
Goddess2002


Posts: 226
Joined: 2/29/2008
Status: offline 		There are simply too many details in OP's post not provided to give a fair answer. We don't know if he required her to wear "hells" (yes, cute freudian slip there) all day, or just for an hour or two....etc. It doesn't sound from the post that OP even asked to negotiate...she simply said "no" she was too busy. That is extremely impudent, IMO...if that was the case.

I do wonder why an individual would take on a "Master" (even online) if a command on this level proves to be problematic? It's not like he is commanding her do do something that would compromise her integrity or self esteem. Heels and a skirt are pretty basic, and most men,  Master or vanilla, like the female in their lives to look nice. I don't see this command as being a dealbreaker at all...the bigger question OP needs to examine is whether she really is into submission or has room for it in her life.

(in reply to Zechriel)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: What can I do - 5/21/2009 3:01:42 AM   
WyldHrt


Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

There are simply too many details in OP's post not provided to give a fair answer.

This is very true. That said, what I took from the OP is that her online master expects her to wear dresses and hells *giggle* as daily attire, along with hairdo and makeup. For me, this would be a flat out "no go", as it is completely impractical given my line of work. A Dominant who requires the aforementioned dress daily (as in, at work) would be incompatible, and yes, I would leave if he insisted on that particular "dress code" after being told why such attire is inappropriate at my workplace... unless, of course, he  directs me to quit my job and is prepared to support me financially (no, I didn't think so).




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RE: What can I do - 5/21/2009 6:13:08 AM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline 		I'm just going to ditto what Steel had to say... pretty much the same came to my mind.  Well, that an I felt the need to put on hip waders for some reason upon reading the OP

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RE: What can I do - 5/21/2009 9:26:26 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Well, this is a mess, ins't it? You're doing stuff for him that you don't want to do (and apparently end up not doing anyway), you don't express yourself as someone who is comfortable in the s-role of such a dynamic, though you are apparently giving him the impression that you are and he is apparently incapable of realizing he's trying to coax an egg out of a cow and/or he doesn't care so long as he can feel he's on the D-side of a power exchange.

Sounds like you and him both decided to buy the car you test-drove because you liked the brand name, irrelevant of whether you each could afford the vehicle or if it was a good fit for your daily commute.


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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: What can I do - 5/21/2009 9:50:51 PM   
Branoic


Posts: 10
Joined: 2/10/2009
Status: offline 		I'm not going to say much that hasnt already been said. If the life you live clashes with the 'orders' you are given, one of them must lose. Given that I have expirience trying balance my life while also raising a child, I would have to say I'm symathetic to you on that point. If he wants certain things worn at all times, and you find that it's unacceptable to do at work or in front of your kids, then thats a deal breaker, for me at least. If you want your personal life to not affect your real life, then you cannot have a Dom that wants to infringe that. I would suggest finding someone more your style, or, talking it through with him a finding a comprimise. The most important thing a Sub must do is be honest and open about what they need and want from the relationship, you either never explained it them, or they dont care.

When it comes to kids, as I said before, I am very sympathetic. It makes it more difficult, to be sure. Many a night has been rescheduled due to a more pressing need. To do things around kids is possible, yet must be done discretely. There are collars that dont give to much away that can be bought; as another reader stated above, a less revealing skirt can be worn; things can be worn under clothing, it is possible. I just hope you stay careful around the kid.

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: What can I do - 5/22/2009 2:59:03 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FireofGoddess

I am a switch.On another site I have a Master.He wants me too wear a dress everyday and heels and makeup/hair done.Well I work and take care of my little girl full time.And now he is like have you done what I told you.And I said no cause I am busy working.Now he says I am in trouble.see with me it's hard for me to give up my control,but with him,it's just too much cause he wants me to do things I am not able to do at this point.How can I deal with this

Anyone who's a fulltime mum and holding down a job is worldly enough to know your "master's" requirements and reactions are a perfect indicator of the level of maturity you're dealing with here. 
 
He's living in D/s fantasy land but you already know that; your instincts are telling you that - you're only guilty of not listening to your instincts.  A working mum has to live in the real world by default.  Tell him he can either join you there and work things out like *adults* or move on to sending geek mail to naive newbies.
 
Focus.

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(in reply to FireofGoddess)
Profile   Post #: 40
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