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RE: Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/20/2009 12:12:04 PM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subbob63

i feel so conflicted. i am told that when one becomes a slave that their wants and needs no longer matter, and that it is all about pleasing the Domme. But yet, if the slave's needs are not met how can he put his full heart into pleasing the Domme. Will he not eventually find himself disheartened in a relationship he does not find it fulfilling, and if so, can a Domme truely be pleased with a slave who becomes unhappy serving Her. It would seem to me that any relationship, D/s or otherwise, should be to the mutual benefit of both. Is this wrong thinking on my part, is it unbecoming of a submissive? What's wrong with having a D/s relational that is as based in love as any other relationship?

i met my Master on here 2 years ago.... We have PLENTY of MUTUAL respect and happiness.... it takes A LOT of sorting to find someone with a brain to kneel to....some even "sound" good in the beginning. Please take your time....KEEP your values and standards, and DON'T start doubting yourself when you just can't seem to find anything but players! Hold on and wait for the right one for you, the one you can be with, and not compromise who you are to be with.

Nods to the.dark. You rock sister!

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to subbob63)

Post #: 21

RE: Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/20/2009 12:13:46 PM

subbob63

Posts: 8
Joined: 3/12/2008
Status: offline

Thank you Whiplashsmile4 for your insight. I will revisit my label and change it submissive, and leave it as such. For i feel this is where my heart belongs.

(in reply to Whiplashsmile4)

Post #: 22

RE: Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/20/2009 12:18:48 PM

GYPZYQUEEN

Posts: 730
Joined: 4/14/2009
Status: offline

bob while I was editing 2 more messags came on
pls read mine #19

thanks ..GQ

< Message edited by GYPZYQUEEN -- 5/20/2009 12:19:58 PM >

(in reply to subbob63)

Post #: 23

RE: Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/20/2009 12:22:57 PM

subbob63

Posts: 8
Joined: 3/12/2008
Status: offline

i have, GypsyQueen, thank you.

(in reply to GYPZYQUEEN)

Post #: 24

RE: Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/20/2009 12:38:38 PM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

Like Whiplash, I don't care to get into the submissive vs. slave debate. I can only tell you how I view it and hope that is helpful.

For me, a slave is someone who sublimates those wants/needs/desires that are in conflict with the plan set out for her/him by the Master/Mistress the slave themselves have chosen and finds/learns to find pleasure in the most basic tenet of satisfying the Master/Mistress's wants/needs/desires/the plan. Control, if not absolute, is damn near there and the slave desires this and finds happiness and satisfaction in this control.

A submissive is a different creature. A submissive is one who yields their will to another...as does a slave...but in a more, for lack of a better term, well-tuned fashion. He/she also finds satisfaction and joy in some type of service but in a dynamic in which boundaries are not as narrow (for lack of a better description). Areas of life in which he/she yields full control are stipulated as are those areas in which something less than full control is yielded. While it is still usually up to the Dominant to decide when wants and desires are answered and how, wants/needs/desires of the submissive are more of a consideration than they generally are in the case of a slave though I will make this point: While a Master/Mistress/slave dynamic is different than that of a Dominant/Master/Mistress/submissive dynamic, in MY opinion it would be a foolish Master/Mistress....Master/Mistress/slave dynamic or not...who always ignored the wants/desires of their slave. For some slaves, this disregard may be what pushes them into recognition of their submissive rather than slave self.

< Message edited by CreativeDominant -- 5/20/2009 12:42:26 PM >

(in reply to subbob63)

Post #: 25

RE: Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/20/2009 1:02:33 PM

JaDaMaGi

Posts: 26
Joined: 1/1/2008
Status: offline

I spose it depends on the people involved. For me, I'm not interested in a sub who isn't fulfilled in our relationship. I'll take advantage, be harsh, rough, whatever.... but only if it somehow fills a need in the other person.
I think its boring to be taken care of while the other person only does what I say, and gets nothing out of it.

(in reply to subbob63)

Post #: 26

RE: Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/20/2009 1:42:54 PM

scottishdove

Posts: 113
Joined: 7/27/2008
Status: offline

great post, gypzyqueen.. that needed to be said.

i know how hard it is for new submissives/slaves.. it took a while for my bullshit meter to work and to stop blaming myself for things that were really a case of incompatibility, or just an ignormat online Dom.

(in reply to GYPZYQUEEN)

Post #: 27

RE: Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/20/2009 10:07:54 PM

KoolnSassy

Posts: 65
Joined: 5/5/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

You will see that everyone views things as an individual and some believe what you have heard, but many do not. There are many battles over slave or submissive, what means what and how it all plays out. What is important is that you decide for yourself what you want in your life and relationships and find someone who thinks and feels things that fit who you are.

Personally I feel that whether a slave or a submissive... whatever that is... is that there is a person there and I would not want to crush that person. If something about them attracted me to them, why would I then wish to belittle their spirit.

Some do believe that a slave, once they make a choice on a dominant, have little to say about what happens. To each their own... it depends on their wants and needs.

Yes I agree, the wonderful thing about wiitwd is doing it our own way, making our own decisions and choices. If you like having your rights etc. removed, then that won't be a problem because it will bring you pleaure. If it doesn't make you happy, then it's simply not for you.

_____________________________

If you don't know what you're doing, why do you think I know?

KoolnSassy

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 28

RE: Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/21/2009 4:14:26 AM

slavekal

Posts: 1486
Joined: 7/20/2004
Status: offline

A smart domme will realize that to get the best service from her slave, she has to keep him motivated. As selfless as we try to be, we are still human with wants and needs. Your dog wants to please you, but you gotta pet him and throw him a ball once in a while.

_____________________________

"The Courage to Submit: the submissive male's guide to finding a dominant woman"
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(in reply to subbob63)

Post #: 29

RE: Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/21/2009 7:57:09 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subbob63
i feel so conflicted. i am told that when one becomes a slave that their wants and needs no longer matter

Here, let me save a lot of time. Either the person who was talking to you was thinking about short-term, temporary, and ultimately not very deep connections or else they are an idiot.

Have you, ever in your entire life, seen a human that had no wants or needs whatsoever? Someone who could exist stably in any situation at all? I haven't. Ergo, the slave's needs really have to matter now, don't they? In addition, I am highly suspect of any slave who says they have exactly and only one need... the need to serve. IF that is true, then we're talking about a person who is so mono-dimensional that they wouldn't be a good partner for me (and I frankly don't believe it when I hear it anyway). And then let's take a look at the mental health angle. Who in their right mind would swear their very self to another human who says flat out, "Your and your needs don't matter to me." .... huh?

Carol is highly motivated by the desire to please me... I would in fact call it a primary motivator for her. In fact, it's the entire reason she's wearing my collar since she has no particular fantasy associated with being a 'slave' and no connection to words like submission, etc. But even so, she's got a HUGE panoply of wants and needs and if I took the attitude that they didn't matter, I'd be in the market for a new slave within a year or two.

In my opinion, in all but .00000001% of the cases, we're talking about people lost in the fantasy woods saying stuff like this. Just use your eyes and look around... people just don't operate that way. That, however, I suppose is an arguable statement. What is NOT an arguable statement is whether or not YOU operate that way. And I'm gonna guess based upon the fact you posted this that you do not. Take heart. Neither does Carol or any other sub/slave that I know personally. You're not alone.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to subbob63)

Post #: 30

RE: Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/21/2009 1:32:12 PM

sweetsub1957

Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline

~Fast Reply~
i agree with Whiplashsmile4 and CreativeDominant re: the differences between slave and submissive.....i feel it's a matter of degree of submission, so my label is submissive, as slave is just too extreme for me. And the bottom line for me, anyway, is bdsm is consensual power exchange & why would anyone consent to staying in the relationship if his/her needs weren't being met? A D-type Who doesn't meet the s-type's needs probably won't have the sub/slave for long.......

edited for spelling.

< Message edited by sweetsub1957 -- 5/21/2009 1:33:24 PM >

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Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

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In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 31

RE: Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/21/2009 4:37:06 PM

oceanwinds

Posts: 530
Status: offline

I have seen so many speak in truisms here, and most of it i just blow off. If you do not know what you want or who you are, then take time to search within yourself, as well as read the boards. The search engine is awesome tool here. Try to not fit into others molds, if it doesnt resonate with you, yet be open enough to question your own judgments.

Best of luck
oceanwinds

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

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Post #: 32

RE: Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/21/2009 8:01:56 PM

Drakontos

Posts: 167
Joined: 5/20/2009
Status: offline

This is Drakontos

quote:

i am told that when one becomes a slave that their wants and needs no longer matter

For some, slavery does indeed mean that the slave's needs and wants no longer matter. For others, it does not mean that.
In my home, it is not that the needs and wants no longer matter; only that they no longer matter to the slave herself. Instead, they become my responsibility.

quote:

It would seem to me that any relationship, D/s or otherwise, should be to the mutual benefit of both.

I would agree. However, once a slave becomes my property; it is then my decision as to what would be of the most benefit to her.

quote:

What's wrong with having a D/s relational that is as based in love as any other relationship?

There is nothing wrong with looking for a relationship based on emotions. Not everyone, however, seeks that kind of relationship.

_____________________________

Drakontos
zaphira

Live with honor; serve with grace and beauty

(in reply to subbob63)

Post #: 33

RE: Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/21/2009 11:38:54 PM

AlexandraLynch

Posts: 778
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline

quote:

[What's wrong with having a D/s relational that is as based in love as any other relationship? /quote]

Absolutely nothing. In fact, I find that I can't do casual play. I fall in love with the people I play with, the way some women fall in love with men they have sex with, and so I allow for this by making sure the people I play with are at minimum friends I like and trust with my deep regard and emotion that will be raised by the play. (I am polyamorous, so I can love quite a few people.) Different people do this game differently. The question isn't "what's right"...the question is, "what's right for you?"

Part of what I require in a sub is that they do have boundaries and self-respect. I don't want a cringing worm or a man or a robot that says "yes mistress" to everything. I want someone whose submission includes his trust and his heart, and will understand that I am also trusting him not only with seeing me vulnerable and knowing my pain and my issues, but with my heart as well.

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Just because I'm not a bitch doesn't mean I'm not perfectly capable of making sure you'll be very sorry if you disobey.

(in reply to GYPZYQUEEN)

Post #: 34

RE: Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/22/2009 6:38:37 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Whoever told you this, op, isn't interested in your well being. Saying that is akin to saying "don't be selfish, do it my way" meaning the speaker is manipulating you to get his/her needs met and to hell with you.

Move on.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to AlexandraLynch)

Post #: 35

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