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lookin for a mentor - 5/20/2009 11:16:19 AM   
psychomex


Posts: 5
Joined: 4/6/2009
Status: offline 		Hi im very new at this dom/sub life style. I do know Im a dom but would like to learn and study more. I was wonderin how to go about finding a mentor to teach me the ropes or what sources I could use to learn more.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: lookin for a mentor - 5/20/2009 11:43:12 AM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		Read.

For the Love of GOD just READ.

No one can TEACH you to be Dominant, They can only teach you to BEHAVE as a Dominant and if that is taught then one would wonder if you are surrendering to an Idea or expressing your own.

READ.

Get Screw the Roses, and Get Slavecraft and Get S&M 101....................

But read them to understand how someone ELSE sees them and then decide for yourself what is right for you.

Take Advice as you would a Magazine on a Waiting Room Table. It is okay to know it is there it is even okay to read something that catches your interest but not every magazine is going to tell you the same thing and in the end if you try to apply every one you will end up more confused than when you started reading in the first place. Sometimes KNOWING OF is all that is needed to make a decision, other times one must KNOW ABOUT and the two are very different concepts.

This Board has MANY MANY MANY Points of view and they are being presented in many different mediums some will tell you from experience where other will tell you from belief, some will come from people you want to be more like and others will come from people who just want you to be more like them.

In the End, I believe this is something you Are or you Are Not. 
I do not believe this is something you do.
I do not believe this is something you deal with.
I do not believe this is something that the interest will ever go away from.

Then again that is all about how I feel, you of courese will need to find your own direction.

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to psychomex)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: lookin for a mentor - 5/20/2009 11:47:55 AM   
psychomex


Posts: 5
Joined: 4/6/2009
Status: offline 		Thanks for the advice and will seek the reading material. I know I am what I am.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: lookin for a mentor - 5/20/2009 6:45:41 PM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		While I agree that you can't necessarily learn how to be dominant, there are classes that discuss some topics in D/s, protocols and such that you might enjoy incorporating, etc. You also can learn about the physical side of play (bondage, impact play, wax, etc.) from classes, by doing co-topping, at peer-workshops, etc. It really depends on what is available in your area. Now, that's not necessary - I was into BDSM for a long time before I got involved in the Scene at all, but it can be useful for someone who is just getting started.

(in reply to psychomex)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: lookin for a mentor - 5/20/2009 7:21:57 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah
No one can TEACH you to be Dominant

And just because it's my personal little mission in life, I'm going to say I disagree with this comment. There are plenty of teachable skills embedded in the word "dominant".

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: lookin for a mentor - 5/20/2009 9:41:02 PM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah
No one can TEACH you to be Dominant

And just because it's my personal little mission in life, I'm going to say I disagree with this comment. There are plenty of teachable skills embedded in the word "dominant".


Ahhh but the nature of being Dominant is not a Teachable Skill. Just because I can take out a Needle out of thin air with the crack of a ten foot bull does not make me Dominant.

Skills are tools. Tools Still need a Craftsman.

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: lookin for a mentor - 5/20/2009 10:08:30 PM   
Comrade


Posts: 11
Joined: 5/1/2009
Status: offline 		I myself was never taught to be a dom, it just came natural to me.  I am technically a switch, but I have always been authoritative and intimidating to most everyone I have met.  Now as for taking a mentor, I would suggest simply finding someone who you could ask questions as they come to you.  If you like, you may ask me, but so as not to sound arrogant, I would suggest asking someone who I find to be a near infinite supply of information on nearly all subjects related to fetish.  GaiaMordany  She can be found on this site and would be more than willing to answer questions.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: lookin for a mentor - 5/20/2009 10:08:34 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah
No one can TEACH you to be Dominant

And just because it's my personal little mission in life, I'm going to say I disagree with this comment. There are plenty of teachable skills embedded in the word "dominant".


Ahhh but the nature of being Dominant is not a Teachable Skill. Just because I can take out a Needle out of thin air with the crack of a ten foot bull does not make me Dominant.

Skills are tools. Tools Still need a Craftsman.

Steel

Ok, but the young Man did say he knew what he was. Now i can give the Lad credit for knowing his own mind....i have a son about this age, and he is a fine young Man...So carry on dude...and listen, thats good advice, LISTEN.


_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: lookin for a mentor - 5/21/2009 4:50:02 AM   
SaintSavant


Posts: 30
Joined: 4/25/2009
Status: offline 		The problem with being 'taught' or 'mentored' is that the student role is by nature submissive, so you will find yourself conflicted.

Take the advice here and read up on your craft (Screw the Roses is particularly good and newbie friendly) and videos will help you learn what you want to try.

But there is no substitute for practice. Find a play partner, an experienced sub, and start exploring. Above all, don't be afraid to admit that you are a newbie. A lot of us - I include myself here - tried to act more experienced than we were in the beginning for fear of looking un-Domlike. I'd have learnt a lot more early on if I had the sytrength to admit my inexperience.

(in reply to breatheasone)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: lookin for a mentor - 5/21/2009 6:23:09 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SaintSavant

The problem with being 'taught' or 'mentored' is that the student role is by nature submissive, so you will find yourself conflicted.



Bollocks! This may be true for some but for others I know and for myself some years ago, having a mentor was having a friend (after you earned the friendship) who was prepared to teach you some of the finer points which may have escaped you at the time. They can advise and teach techniques in the areas of BDSM activities like rope or chain bondage, needle play etc. They can be a wonderful support system in your early days and especially if you go through those phases of self doubt or you are unsure of the best way to deal with a situation, especially regarding handling a sub/slave in some circumstances. Mostly they teach by allowing you to watch them in action, you can learn how they behave etc so, without emulating, you are able to develop your own characted as a Dominant. I was blessed with a number of wonderful mentors when I first entered the Gorean Lifestyle and when I started to become in BDSM Play. I can still ring them if I hit a brick wall or just want to run something past them as i would in my professional life and as others do with me. There is no hint of submissiveness or subservance. We stand often as equalls and at times in the past as Master/Student with mutual respect. I was a Commissioned Officer when I arrived in 'nam in '64. I was smart enough to listen and allow experiences master Sgts to continue my trade craft education and teach me my trade as a combat SF Officer. I am alive and I received promotions and decorations not by trying to be a smart ass know it all but by the stint of the patience and teaching of those "mentors" and my native intelligence to learn from them and build on it. Same situation in the Lifestyle.


_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to SaintSavant)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: lookin for a mentor - 5/21/2009 6:57:15 AM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline 		Ironbear very eloquently beat me to much of what I intended to say.  I firmly believe that having good friends and teachers who have more experience than you is of benefit to anyone in any situation, whether that be a fledgling dominant, a person discovering their submissiveness, or anyone starting out in a new career, a new parent, etc.  None of us is smart enough to think of everything, figure everything out and get it all right entirely on our own.  Books sometimes are suggested (as has been in this thread) as a sort of "substitute mentor", but whether we get advice from an experienced individual on the phone, or reading what an experienced person wrote in a book, at its core we are still seeking to learn from other's experiences, and benefit from it, so that we hopefully make fewer mistakes in our own journey.  The same is true when a new dominant is told to find an "experienced sub" to play with... because here again someone with more experience is being suggested as a teacher, with the dominant benefitting from that greater experience.  Its all really the same thing in the end, just teachers, guides, mentors, and a dozen other synonyms under a variety of guises.

To the OP I will suggest this... don't limit yourself to just one "mentor", pick several, get several different points of view.  You can benefit greatly from that if you can learn to sort out what best applies to you and why.  Such mentors need not even be people you actually know, they can be people you admire whom you are able to learn about and from by reading what they write.  That could be any number of published authors in the lifestyle, or individuals who regularly do demos or lectures at events, etc.  Mentors can come in a variety of forms, find what works for you.



_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: lookin for a mentor - 5/21/2009 9:20:44 AM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		After looking back at what I wrote and thinking back on my Own experience I felt the need to clarify some things.

I receive what I liked to call a Formal Introduction to this lifestyle. Much of which can be read about in my Journal. I do not consider myself to have been Mentored and the person who you would consider a Mantor hated the word even more which is why he perfered to be called a Pedant because he would teach his way with extreme precision and then explain that it was HIS way that I needed to find my own (I know it doesn't make a lot of sense but he was that kinda guy)

The Point being is that he took me to Munches, Play Parties, Demo's and because of who he knew I was allowed to get to know more and more people in the scene. From Screwing around with Bull Whips in a SoHo Parking Lot with Robert Dante to being ignored by Jay Wiseman at a Leather Confrence. I got to know people in the scene who were both well known and still people. Talking to people who thought very highly of themselves and people who were still confused as to why everyone seemed to know their name.

The ONLY constant is that I would read. From Jack Rinella to Dr. Robert Rubel, The Slavecrats and S&M 101's and even the CastleRealm.coms and BDSMU.com sites both of which are either Gone or just Shells of what they were when I was coming of age in this lifestyle.

Saddly we are a Lifestyle of Opinions when it comes to right and wrong. Even with the Positive direction I was given comeing into this lifestyle I would not wish what I ent through on another. I think Life Experience is important and comeing into this lifestyle at 16 made it difficult for me to have genuine life experiences that were not kink based or power dynamic driven. In Short the concept of dating sucked.

I find that if you find people in this lifestyle that you are driven to find out why. I consider myself to be a permanent student of what it is that we do. I don't want to know why you don't do things the way I do them I want to know why you do things the way you do, what drives you, what makes you enjoy the acts you do.

Again I FIRMLY believe that you cannot be Taught how to be a Dominant, I belive the idea of Teaching someone how to express a Core Idea can happen but the core idea always existed the person "Mentoring" should only help you in better expressing it.

As for teaching someone to be a better dominant, I guess you would have to first determine what is a Poor one and what is a Great one. Then I would still have issues accepting that you could be taught to be one or the other.

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to Padriag)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: lookin for a mentor - 5/21/2009 11:02:53 AM   
psychomex


Posts: 5
Joined: 4/6/2009
Status: offline 		Thank you all for your advise and I only seek knowledge of the lifestyle. I want to learn for me and my future sub so we can enjoy the experience. I do not believe havin a mentor is bad when one need a support system or has question. It is all to better each other and learn at the end even the mentor can learn from his pupil.

(in reply to psychomex)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: lookin for a mentor - 5/21/2009 8:49:17 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: psychomex

Hi im very new at this dom/sub life style. I do know Im a dom but would like to learn and study more. I was wonderin how to go about finding a mentor to teach me the ropes or what sources I could use to learn more.


your prolly not cute enuff or hell maybe even the wrong sex ... put a pict up and Ill get back to you in reference to the mentor thing

BadOne


_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to psychomex)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: lookin for a mentor - 5/21/2009 10:05:57 PM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		I weighed this for awhile.

Where as SailingBum would not be my FIRST choice for a Mentor....... I believe it is possible to do worse.

Easier to Better.... But possible to do worse.



Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: lookin for a mentor - 5/22/2009 7:02:04 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		I second Steel's comment about SailingBum as a mentor...

P.S. SB you may post the cheque to me now.......


_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: lookin for a mentor - 5/22/2009 7:11:40 AM   
persephonee


Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

quote:

ORIGINAL: psychomex

Hi im very new at this dom/sub life style. I do know Im a dom but would like to learn and study more. I was wonderin how to go about finding a mentor to teach me the ropes or what sources I could use to learn more.


your prolly not cute enuff or hell maybe even the wrong sex ... put a pict up and Ill get back to you in reference to the mentor thing

BadOne




that would be a trainwreck i would pay to watch....all due respect and eyes lowered and all dat jazz....

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 17
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