RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse?

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DesFIP -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/23/2009 2:47:23 PM)
Psychodrama. You are replaying old scripts from an early time but doing it in a way that makes it come out right. So you get humiliated, degraded, or whatever and afterwards you get cuddled, told how much you are loved, receive reaffirmations about how wonderful you are. All the stuff you didn't get with the degradation the first time.

lally2 -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/23/2009 4:29:29 PM)
.. but not all of us were abused as kids and not all of us are emotional or physical massochists - sometimes its just about doing what we do because it quietens down the internal noise and settles us. contemplating vanilla the other day i was yet again faced with the big fat 'noway' response. its a pity really, i could so easily serve any man i was with without them really knowing what i was doing and why. but thats the point. its the intent. its relaxing into who you are and letting it all hang out with them recognising and appreciating our responses to them. as much as we enjoy receiving the sensations of Dominance, mental and physical, we also enjoy giving Them the freedom back. it isnt a one way street. just another thought to add to the thoughts provided so far.

NewJerzeySubGirl -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/23/2009 6:07:41 PM)
WOW... thank YOU... all of you.. wonderful insight!!!!!!

LafayetteLady -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/23/2009 10:49:38 PM)
Unlike the others here, you're reference to being abused by a child would concern me. DesFIP makes a very interesting point regarding the changed ending, but in and of itself, it doesn't resolve anything. However, SlyStone is a million miles off the mark saying that if you really got a handle on it, probably nothing would change. Now I wasn't beaten as a child, lacking the love of my parents, or anything like that. I discovered I like what I like and knowing it wasn't based on a feeling of self worthlessness or low self esteem I made my decision. I'm also very self aware. But if someone does have unresolved issues, a lack of self worth or low self esteem, it can lead to a great deal of carelessness in their seek for a relationship. You ability to not put up with it in the "real" world is completely normal, it's a defense mechanism. Think of all the really powerful people who enjoy being submissive in their private lives. It gives them a great sense of release to turn over control to someone else. Are some people simply masochists? Sure. If you find the answers you are looking for will you still find that you enjoy it? Maybe. You won't know unless you find out. I'm not among the group that thinks Doms have the ability to "heal" past hurts by "pushing" you through your past. In any case, it would appear that you AREN'T resolved about your past and you really should work on that, whether through your own introspection or with the help of a qualified therapist (I would suggest seeking one who isn't anti-BDSM) and in the meantime, evaluate any relationships or partners you may choose very carefully to make sure that they aren't abusers disguising themselves as dominants. We all know they are out there and they prey upon people who they think they can get away with it with. Whatever you decide to do, just make sure you proceed with all the caution that will keep you safe and allow you to play safely.

sujuguete -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/24/2009 11:47:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth Remember that it only matters why you are who you are inasmuch as you intend to become what you want to be. We are all forged in a crucible of fire; the parts of us that come from trauma and pain are just as much "us" as the parts that come from love and fluffy bunnies. How boring we would all be without scars... Now, to say this more plainly: Own every bit of yourself. Love it. Even the parts that you would normally feel embarrassed or ashamed of. Fuck, especially those parts. Love them. Be proud of them. They are as much you as anything else, and you are the satguru who makes the grass green. Thou art God. By which I mean, you are you - you're that ineffable "thing" that causes you to experience and choose and decide and wonder and imagine in a way that no one but you does, and everything that ever happened to you has led you to being this you, as opposed to any other - so you have a joyous responsibility to love and to cherish every moment that created you, for every one of them is your Mother and your Father. I love this. Thank you for posting it. [:)]

SlyStone -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/25/2009 6:42:59 AM)
it would appear that you AREN'T resolved about your past and you really should work on that, whether through your own introspection or with the help of a qualified therapist It would appear that you have a tendency to make presumptions and jump to conclusions based on very little information and a preconceived notion that people into BDSM are generally in need of help. One OP and you have the poster in therapy even though she is engaging in a consensual behavior that is extremely common within the BDSM dynamic and she clearly states that she loves it. As I read it, her post is in no way a cry for help, as much as you would like it to be, instead she is simply asking why she enjoys it , a question we have all asked ourselves, regardless of our pasts, and for which there is no answer. It is simply part of how we are wired. The reality is that no one is truly resolved about their past, I don't care how much time you spend thinking about it or how many years you spend in therapy, you cannot change it. I think it is best to forgive if you can, accept what you cannot change, and embrace the moment how ever you choose, because in the end it is all that there is. I'm not among the group that thinks Doms have the ability to "heal" past hurts by "pushing" you through your past. Here we agree, there is nothing more frightening than a dominant playing a psychologist. If you want to be analyzed by a nut go to a psychiatrist and pay your hundred bucks an hour like the rest of us suckers, they may not cure you but it is at least likely they will not harm you, something that cannot be said for armchair psychoanalytical whip wielding wannabes.

DemonKia -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/25/2009 12:11:11 PM)
I wanted to add another layer to what DesFIP said, below. The element of control. This time around when the 'abuse' happens you are 'in control' of it in a way that was not necessarily true in your childhood. The need to feel 'in control' is very strong in humans, in my experience, & part of the trauma of 'real abuse' is the loss of that sense of control. Now, as an adult, you make the choice to be 'in control' or to deliberately relinquish that control to an other, & thus you have the power now. What happened in your childhood was, in part, an experience of 'lacking power'; your experiences now, even if they look superficially similar to your childhood stuff, differ from that experience in that you are the empowered agent choosing what you want . . . . . . If that makes sense . . . . .. Just wanted to add my penny to the wealth of good thinking displayed in this thread. quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP Psychodrama. You are replaying old scripts from an early time but doing it in a way that makes it come out right. So you get humiliated, degraded, or whatever and afterwards you get cuddled, told how much you are loved, receive reaffirmations about how wonderful you are. All the stuff you didn't get with the degradation the first time.

lilmisssubmiss -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/25/2009 10:40:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Padriag I very much doubt anyone can give you a meaningful answer without knowing a good deal more personal information about you. So naturally I'm about to have a go at it anyway... LOL Seriously, there are a variety of possible answers to your question. Probably the best I can do is suggest a couple of likely answers and explain why they might be likely. Knowing that could aid you in your own self examination, better enabling you to figure it out for yourself. That said... here we go: One possible reason you might find degrading terms during sexual situations a turn on... possibly because its a release, sort of permission to act without guilt or inhibition on your own impulses. Guilt is not a pleasant thing, an people will sometimes do amazing things to avoid it. Guilt over certain kinds of sexual behavior is not at all uncommon, particularly "slutty" uninhibited behavior. One curious way to avoid such sexual guilt is to embrace it... that is, if you are called a slut, etc. in such circumstances as to make this seem desireable, its a way of embracing that "guilty self image" and at the same time escape the guilt... after all, if you're a slut then you're expected to do slut things (permission), and if its desireable then its also positive (making it a positive self image). In other words, it isn't really degrading you, its giving you freedom to act on your already existing sexual urges... without guilt. That's one possibility. As for the physical abuse... sometimes its as simple as being drawn to what's familiar. We learn a very large portion of how we believe, as adults, as to how relationships should work, how men and women should interact, from our parents while we're children. Taking myself as an example.. I'm a hopeless romantic, anyone who knows my parents can easily see why... they've been married going on 44 years and are still very much and very visibly in love. So even though I want a Master/slave relationship, I need an emotional element to it that isn't always necessary with others, why isn't hard to figure out. As for you, if that was the example you grew up with, then on a subconscious level you may still be seeking what an inner voice is telling you "this is how relationships are supposed to be, this is normal". But there could be another reason, it could go back to guilt. You might view the physical abuse as punishment for your "guilty pleasures". It might be a catharsis, aiding you in releasing any guilt you may feel for your "slutty" behavior at other times... or perhaps for feelings of failure in other areas of your life (assuming you have any such feelings, only you could say and frankly that's none of my business). I've known slaves who needed to be spanked periodically, spanked hard and harshly until they were sobbing uncontrollably in tears, because it helped them release the guilt they carried for their perceived failures and flaws... and that release was in many ways both theraputic and healthy for them. Those are a few possibilities, among the more common ones I've encountered over the years, but far from being exhaustive. However, consider it food for thought in your own inner examinations. [:)]:)

AngelGeena -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/25/2009 10:49:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sirsholly Sometimes rather than trying to analyze, it is better to just except and enjoy all aspects of ourselves. agree with this, but only because i've spent alot of time trying to figure out the why's and couldnt come up with real answers. i just accept that its just a part of me and who i am. if it's not broke.....

NewJerzeySubGirl -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/26/2009 4:11:07 PM)
DemonKia and Angel.. I agree :) Whatever it may be, its enjoyable to me "now". I dont know why I enjoy it, but I do. Maybe I do have some unresolved issues, who knows? But why try to figure them out when you are completely happy with where you are "now".. as a responsible adult? I know what I enjoy is not the "norm", but what the "norm" enjoy's, I sure dont. I guess call it how you like, I guess its just what makes me as a person. I appreciate everyone's posts VERY much! Thank you for allowing me to think outside my box ;) haha that sounded funny

NewJerzeySubGirl -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/26/2009 4:17:52 PM)
And sly I appreciate your understanding Post

DavanKael -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/26/2009 4:44:45 PM)
Lots and lots of really good and interesting thoughts already presented here. Given the strong sensation you lived with as a child and teen, it may also make sense that you enjoy strong sensation now. All of the thoughts about control, re-writing scripts, catharsis, etc. is really important and hopefully you are looking at yourself for the answers that best suit you. I think that understanding can be healthful and also potentially optimizes what you're doing now if you understand the buttons best pushed. Best wishes, Davan (Who is also 34 and has a background not dissimilar to that which you shared)

NewJerzeySubGirl -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/26/2009 5:05:57 PM)
Thank you Daven :)

dreamerdreaming -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/26/2009 7:50:30 PM)
Its called "repetition compulsion". Google it and check half a dozen of the top sites that come up, for a good perspective on it. Here's one view of it, just for an example: http://bpdinsideout.com/repeattrauma.htm Basically my mental health worker told me I was trying to rescue my dad, with my choices of significant others. Reenacting that relationship, trying for a happier ending. Trying to save us both from the hurt. Neither one of us hurt the other. It was the Vietnam war- He went when I was a tiny little girl. I cried and cried, every day he was gone. He saw horrors over there that changed him inside. Broke his heart. Broke him down, mentally. He came back home, to a devistated family. Then we all just fell to peices, over the years. My family fell apart. When I take a husband who is like my dad, I am trying to rescue my dad, all over again. The guy may not even need rescuing! But he's enough like my dad that he's rescue material, to me. And ironically, my dad is actually doing very well for himself. He's a retired Air Force officer. He went to school on the GI bill after he retired, and got his Master's Degree and then had a career working for the state. So he has a retirement from the state, and from the military, and he got bored then and went back to teaching. He has a Vietnamese wife who adores him and they have a lot of fun together. So here I am with this compulsion to rescue him, and he doesn't even need rescuing! When I wanted to be whipped hard, over long hours by a firm but loving dom, I was exorcising my demons. I was embracing, feeling and experiencing things in a controlled, loving environment. It was wonderful. I trusted my dom completely, and he seemed to be very well in tune with my needs. That went on over several years, and then I was done. My demons were exorcised. I then went vanilla for a while, and now I'm back here as a domme, rescuing the slave who rescued me. If you understand what you are doing, you can stop doing it if you like, or just start doing it in a way that works better for you. What is the compulsion you are repeting? Are you reenacting the abuse to get control over your life? This can happen. It can be incredibly beautiful. And then one day, you might be done.

NuevaVida -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/26/2009 9:18:17 PM)
There was a time I couldn't get enough of humiliation, debasement and degradation. The more the better. The harder on me the better. So I'll speak from my own experiences here... At first it was a challenge to myself, to face a mental/emotional anguish head-on, and take it. Something I wasn't able to do when humiliated as a youngster. After awhile I'd beg for more, to see how much I could take, and he was all too willing to dole it out and feed his own sense of power. I think for me, it made me feel strong, in a "bring it on, I can take it" sort of way, and I felt powerful to be mentally beaten down to a pulp and pull myself back up anyway. And then still there were times when it was so bad it brought me back to that horrible place in my mind - a place a familiarity that I had not visited in so long. And I could cradle the little girl inside me and soothe her as I had not been able to when I was so young. But I have to say, in the long run it was damaging to me. The man left (abruptly, at that) and the words remained, as did the acute memories of the actions taken on me. And on my own, it took a hell of a lot of processing to convince myself that all those things weren't true. So, you didn't ask for advice on this, but I'm compelled to tell you to enjoy it all you want, but please find a balance for yourself that refreshes your mental and emotional state, and allows you to see and know the beauty that is you.

Huntertn -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/28/2009 7:31:45 PM)
I still think the first aswer covered it all...

BiDegradable -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (8/21/2009 8:03:57 PM)
I know why I do, cos we want to be objectified like all women do..... Theres no deep and meaningful reason but I cant change the fact I want to be owned humiliated abused sexually. Just how it should be. There thought I would share my thoughts.... Normally I am a mouthy bitch and its a contrast i pay for willingly.....

dreamerdreaming -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (8/22/2009 3:40:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BiDegradable I know why I do, cos we want to be objectified like all women do..... Excuse me? [8\|] The above statement is extremely presumptuous. Speak for yourself.

TurboJugend -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (8/22/2009 3:43:21 AM)
At OP Kinda worries me to see abuse and enjoy together. Perhaps said already..I would suggest you talk some one who is a professional...but mention you like bdsm. Not an un important detail.

aldompdx -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (8/22/2009 5:16:15 AM)
Instead of trying to play amatuer psychologist, I recommend the following: 1. Spend some time and money to better understand your unique life experience, by seeing a real psychologist or counselor. A good professional can identify your issues quite quickly. For example, I predict there is a high probability that one of your parents had some kind of addiction or substance abuse issue, from alcohol to money to food to emotional repression. 2. What you describe is typical for codependency. You may want to read these books: -- Codependent No More: Beyond Codependency, by Melody Beattie; -- Doormats and Control Freaks, by Rebekah Lewis; -- Love Is A Choice, by Drs. Hemfelt, Minirth, and Meier. EXCERPT -- In its broadest sense, codependency can be defined as an addiction to people, behaviors, or things. Codependency is the fallacy of trying to control interior feelings by controlling people, things, and events on the outside. To the codependent, control or lack of it is central to every aspect of life. The codependent may be addicted to another person. In this interpersonal codependency, the codependent has become so elaborately enmeshed in the other person that the sense of self - personal identity - is severely restricted, crowded out by that other person’s identity and problems. Additionally, codependents can be like vacuum cleaners gone wild, drawing to themselves not just another person, but also chemicals (alcohol or drugs, primarily) or things - money, food, sexuality, work. They struggle relentlessly to fill the great emotional vacuum within themselves.. pg.11,12 A hallmark of codependency is an attempt to repeat one's past in order to "get it right" the second time around, and to ultimately win the acceptance, approval, and validation of their abuser, in a faustian bargain to overcome it. As you work through your issues, always remember this -- Love arises in the only place you ever feel it, your very own heart. It cannot be given to you or taken from you by another person.

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