pondering friendships of opposite gender (Full Version)

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oceanwinds -> pondering friendships of opposite gender (5/23/2009 3:41:08 PM)

While reading the posts on the thread about cheating, a question came to mind. As stated before through posts most of my life has been under the 'vanilla' umbrella, and both late hubby and i had friends of the opposite sex that we bonded with in different ways then sexual. Our best friend had a close friendship with us both, and she and him enjoyed some things that i didn't. It was nothing for them to go to an Air-show, for example, while i stayed home. It was very natural for us to be with other friends, without considering ourselves cheating. Sir and i also have different friends with different interests and it would not occur to either of us to look at that as cheating.

I find having friends with both genders rich and rewarding, and would be sad if i had to drop them because of someone's insecurites.

How do you feel about having friends [of the opposite gender] that you bond with on a different level. then your D/M or s-type? Though I cannot understand why, but would having friends of the opposite sex be different in this type of lifestyle, verses others? In my vanilla relationship..oy, still cant get use to that word, people thought we were strange, not well accepted. Perhaps it is just a human thing of trusting the other.

Thanks for considering answering my question.
oceanwinds



Drakontos -> RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender (5/23/2009 3:47:49 PM)

zaphira has never done well in friendships with the opposite sex; even before she begged Master's collar. Master did demand that zaphira give them up, but for this slave, it was not hard to do. zaphira would even go so far as to say that it was a relief to give up those friendships; for reasons that she will not go into here.

As for why Master demanded that she give up those relationships; zaphira can not say. Only her owner can answer that question.



LafayetteLady -> RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender (5/23/2009 3:55:18 PM)

Oceanwinds,

I think outsiders didn't understand the obvious level of trust you and your husband had.  It is healthy to have friendships with the opposite sex.  Sometimes it is even beneficial because we can talk with our opposite sex friends to see if something that may be bothering us would make sense to our partners.  Men and women think differently and we can forget that at times and over react to something silly based on the different way of thinking.

I've only recently been able to develop strong friendships with other women.  All the competitive, girly girl behavior annoyed the crap out of me when I was younger.  Of course, very few of my female friends now exhibit that kind of behavior.  I have always had stronger relationships with men all my life.  They are completely platonic, we just have more in common.  Giving up my friends would be a hard limit for me. 



littlewonder -> RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender (5/23/2009 3:59:34 PM)

Both Master and I have friends of the opposite sex. Neither one of us has a problem with that. I'm fine with it until the boundaries of what I consider cheating happen.

I just simply don't become friends with married men for the simple fact that from my experience in the past I seem to end up having the wife come after me thinking I was cheating with him which I have never done since my morals are way too rigid for that so I make my life easy by just not hanging out with married men.




GreedyTop -> RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender (5/23/2009 4:03:28 PM)

I have many friends of the male persuasion.  I refuse to deny/shitcan those friendships.  Friends ARE friends.  Genitalia, IMO, has not a THING to do with the emotional/psychological connection.


Some people, I know, are not able to disconnect the sexual/gender thing.   I am grateful that I am not one of those folks, although I do recognize that it WILL be an issue for some



oceanwinds -> RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender (5/23/2009 4:12:20 PM)

I have always had more female friends then male, and the few male friends I have had i have kept for a long time. I dont feel my female friends find me a threat, since i am horrible at flirting, cant talk about mundane stuff, so they are comfortable with sharing with me. Also am a keeper of secrets and have earned many people's trust.

Men that i have become friends with see me as someone that can hold her ground and treat whoever i am with, then hubby now Sir with respect. Yes, they are great at giving me a male's view without the shades of emotions. I find that precious.

Sir is a major flirt and banter. After we first met, he told me he would tone down his bantering, and i said please don't. Friends that figured out we were seeing each other would email me and ask what to do, and i said oh please banter back with him. It's not my thing. I prefer others do it. Late hubby was a woman magnet and we would time it when some woman would come to him at the grocery store. i not the jealous type, and am thankful for that. it gives a broader sense of being who we are.




ExSteelAgain -> RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender (5/23/2009 4:16:14 PM)

We all build friendships with the opposite sex with time...especially in the lifestyle. Friends have the most powerful things in common and it is bdsm with us. But keep in mind that if a friend breaks someone's trust it is much harder than a stranger doing the same thing. So that makes friendship with the opposite sex a road lined with warning signs...even those warning sound ridges in the road before a dangerous stop sign.



CallaFirestormBW -> RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender (5/23/2009 4:37:59 PM)

Members of our household have friends of every possible gender, individually and/or collectively. Our servants keep their friends, regardless of gender, until and unless it turns out that one of those "friends" is doing damage to the individual or the family. Then, it becomes a question of which relationship is more valuable to the individuals involved, because we will not continue to allow a user/abuser access to our family. Once again, the boundaries between what is considered a "friend" and what is considered "family" is something determined within the budding relationships. For us, becoming a member of the family is sort of a complex process... shoot, even becoming a 'family friend' is a complex process. We have a LOT of associates and acquaintances.... not so many 'friends', and an even more exclusive group who are 'family'. Within the family, there are shifting complexities of dyads, triads, solos, quads, and pods, but in the end, if you're family, you're family -- a tie that only death can set aside, even if we're not existing in the same place, and, honestly, even Death can't separate our beloveds from us.

The point, though, relating to the OP, is that there is no reason that a D/s relationship can't include friendships of any gender combination, as long as the parameters are negotiated into the relationship and everyone knows who's who and what position is held in relation to the authority-transfer relationship (I specify that relationship, since, in giving over authority to someone else, it -does- leave the door open for the one holding the authority to regulate outside relationships--something that -should- be done with the utmost integrity, but which is often subject to the same human foibles as every other aspect of human existence.)

Dame calla



leadership527 -> RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender (5/23/2009 4:51:01 PM)

Hello oceanwinds:

For me, I have always preferred women over men as friends. I just find myself to have more in common with them. I've never seen any particular impediment to having a friend of the opposite gender... many of whom I find attractive by the way since I obviously liked something about them to start with or they wouldn't be my friends. I don't really see myself as "in the lifestyle", but I can't for the life of me think why my behavior would change just because I participated in certain social settings or activities. I'd still find more in common with most women than most men.

Right now, one of my most intimate friends is a woman that I make no bones about finding highly attractive. In front of Carol I refer to her as my "girlfriend" although that is more a joke. Still, it does speak of an honest appreciation for the woman in question. Carol is not particularly concerned about that. She knows where the other end of her leash goes and it's securely connected.

Conversely, it would not occur to me to worry that Carol had friends of the male persuastion... and she does tend to prefer men to women. I know where my leash clips to and it is securely fastened.



oceanwinds -> RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender (5/23/2009 5:03:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain

We all build friendships with the opposite sex with time...especially in the lifestyle. Friends have the most powerful things in common and it is bdsm with us. But keep in mind that if a friend breaks someone's trust it is much harder than a stranger doing the same thing. So that makes friendship with the opposite sex a road lined with warning signs...even those warning sound ridges in the road before a dangerous stop sign.


It would take a lot to break a trust and if that would occur, i not sure the level of friendship would ever come back together. i been fortunate to not have to deal with that, when i was married. Sir has given me no reason to doubt him in these 3 years. For me it isn't bdsm, but other areas of life that have binded friends to me. Takes a lot to even get to this level, with me, but am fortunate. Many things can be over looked, and forgiveness is something accepted, but their is a boundary, which must stay in tact.



oceanwinds -> RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender (5/23/2009 5:04:23 PM)

You and Carol remind me at times of what i had with late hubby. What a blessing you both have in each other.

oceanwinds



leadership527 -> RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender (5/23/2009 5:12:51 PM)

*smiles* Thank you very much oceanwinds... we count ourselves blessed.

Just this morning I looked at her in bed and said, "If you put on your most serious face and said to me flat out that you didn't love me, I would not believe you." That is a bedrock item with me much like "the sun will rise tomorrow morning." I love the fact that we both feel that way. Even at the worst moments in our marriage, that has been the unshakeable bedrock upon which all else was built. Fundamentally, it is why I would take Carol any way I she wants to offer herself to me -- wife, sub, slave, concubine, friend, groupie, domme, whatever.

*sighs* see, don't get me started on that subject. [/love story]



oceanwinds -> RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender (5/23/2009 5:17:16 PM)

You are welcome. It's a strong connection and am so happy for you. Even after his death, hubby still looked after me. Even told me about Sir in a dream before i met him..but that's another story. Love is precious and the outer world can throw everything against you, but when 2 stand as 1 pillar, nothing will bulldoze it down.

blessings



IronBear -> RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender (5/23/2009 5:22:25 PM)

I have a limited number of friends of both sexes. Most of these have bonds formed in blood and fire of combat and a trust in which we trust the others with the loves of ourselves and families. Other relationships comprise of extended family and close acquaintances which have different trust levels. As long as I know where Neets is and who she is with I'm fine as she is with me being out with others (Happens so rarely on a social basis anyway). We collar a slave, and this means we have spent a good deal of time with the prospective collar, I have no issues with long term friends provided they do not attempt to interfere with the relationship the slave has and will have with us. 



SlaveBlutarsky -> RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender (5/23/2009 5:24:49 PM)

I don't have an issue with having partners with male friends, and would have an issue if my partner had a problem with me having female friends. It's all part of the trust that should be developed in a relationship.

Due to the way my last three relationships have ended (one of which ended and shockingly enough she was married to one of her male friends she had during our relationship 6 months later) my friends and the people close to me are shocked I still trust anyone, but I refuse to let a few bad experiences change the way I live my life.



ZenDragoness -> RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender (5/23/2009 8:03:27 PM)

First of all, it is wonderful to read of such love and trust between you, oceanwinds and your late hubby. When people commented negative on the way you conducted your friendships, they only talked about their phantasies and wishes, because they could not imagine having a friendship with somebody of the opposite gender without sex.

Friendships enrich our life and i never saw a reason to limit them to the same gender, my first husband and my second husband have or have had like me friends of both genders. It is certainly a question of trust.



kallisto -> RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender (5/23/2009 8:06:51 PM)

 
I've always had men friends.   In fact more of my friends  are men than women.   Someone else said it ...I don't like the silly competitive, drama behavior that some females exhibit.    I don't have a problem with people having friends of the opposite sex.  I've never felt threatened or jealous by women friends my Dom may have.     If there was a problem with either one of us having friends of the opposite sex, then there would be more problems with our relationship than just having those friends. 

leadership said it quite well when he was describing how he and his wife feels.   Feeling secure makes a big difference in how one "sees" the friendships.

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

She knows where the other end of her leash goes and it's securely connected.

I know where my leash clips to and it is securely fastened.



ZenDragoness -> RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender (5/23/2009 8:11:04 PM)

quote:

Even at the worst moments in our marriage, that has been the unshakeable bedrock upon which all else was built.


Your words brought me to stop.

That is essential the way it is. Even in the hardest moments, in the real fights, times of great sorrow, that is our bond, Michael and me can always feel the love and because of that, we trust each other. Out of that trust comes the secure feeling, that even when we hurt each other, that we have no mean intentions, but that there must be another reason. Our love, that brought us through so much is the neverending tune.



Joseff -> RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender (5/23/2009 8:56:04 PM)

Having been together going on 17 years now, most of our friends are mutual friends. We have formed friendships through our assorted interests, such as BDSM and SCA. Those few friends we still have contact with from before we met have come to accept us as a matched set. More of those pre-us friends come from debbie's side, because she's one of those people who knows everybody.
We do not have any problem with each other's friends, of either sex. I find I get along well with dominant women, and debbie, well, debbie will talk to anyone, which is how she knows everybody. I will say that debbie has a friend or two whome I do not like, and they are females. Neither of us is the jealous type, but then we don't engage in behavior with our opposite sex friends that would be considered inappropriate. For instance, I might stay out till late having drinks with a male friend, but I wouldn't with a female friend, that just wouldn't look right.



janiebelle -> RE: pondering friendships of opposite gender (5/23/2009 10:04:15 PM)

I have always seemed to get on better with men.  And as others have noted, they are mostly people who are friend of mine and my LHs.  After he passed, his best friend was a saint in helping me through the grief.  And I now consider him to be one of my closest friends.  We have developed a friendship that is much different "one on one" than the ralationship with both of us.
I think that it has a lot to do with the difference between the "one on one" friendship v. the "two on one".  When my Husband was alive, R.L. would stop by to chat.  But if my LH wasn't home, he would not come into the house- we'd sit on the porch or chat out on the lawn.
Now, he is more than welcome, and even comfortable, walking into the house, whether I'm there or not (no, this isn't rude- there are practical applications).
A few months after my husband passed, I finally asked R.L. why he was OK in coming in now that it's just me.  He simply said it was a matter of respect to a man of equal stature.
Just another clue I guess I missed about R.L.'s insight into WIITWD.
j



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