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RE: Having Bounderies - 5/23/2009 6:36:26 PM   
breatheasone


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quote:

ORIGNIALCallaFirestorm,
it stops being an insecurity and becomes an 'issue'. Issues need to be dealt with before they inhibit our growth, but insecurity is a natural state when we are uncertain and establishing that framework.


Wow, thats an excellent take on it. Thank you for presenting something that hadn't even occurred to me.


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RE: Having Bounderies - 5/23/2009 6:41:28 PM   
Radulfr


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Status: offline 		Boundaries may be a sign of insecurity, but they can also be a sign of one being rather secure.  As littlewonder stated above, people who claim to have no boundaries tend to make me a bit uneasy, as they really have no idea of what they like or dislike.  I've had one submissive friend say that she had no boundaries and no limits.  I was quick to ask her "So you wouldn't mind if I bent you over and stuck this knife up your ass?".  As you can imagine, she realized just why boundaries and limits are important.  Sometimes having them is a matter of keeping oneself safe.

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RE: Having Boundaries - 5/23/2009 6:43:17 PM   
agirl


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Status: offline 		It just depends...... It's too open -ended to say really.

With M ....who I've know for a decade ..... Nope , don't even think about them .

With some other guy , yep ...  Even a kiss could be  totally out of order.

agirl

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RE: Having Bounderies - 5/23/2009 7:33:18 PM   
breatheasone


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quote:

ORIGINAL:Radulfr,
people who claim to have no boundaries tend to make me a bit uneasy, as they really have no idea of what they like or dislike.


It also makes me think of a person that may be emotionally immature.




< Message edited by breatheasone -- 5/23/2009 7:40:03 PM >

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RE: Having Bounderies - 5/23/2009 7:41:38 PM   
breatheasone


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Status: offline 		agirl, its nice to hear about relationships like yours, i can see me and my Master there someday as well. i feel it happening daily.

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RE: Having Bounderies - 5/23/2009 8:11:24 PM   
Joseff


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Status: offline 		I want to try to define some terms here, at least in so far as my personal viewpoint. I see boundries as soft limits we impose on ourselves or others. Like property lines, or oceanwinds' second circle, you allow some things to cross, but not others, depending on what you consider safe. Look at it like a checkpoint on the border, you stop the new idea, look it over, and decide if you allow it to enter. Limits, are points that you do not want anyone to cross, and limitations are imposed on ourselves, points that we will not cross. All of  lines have some flexibility, and we often redraw all of them at some point. Perhaps a dominant pushes a sub's limit, and the sub finds it tolerable and reasesses the limit. Furthermore, it is always healthy to look beyond our limitations, or we would fail to grow.

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RE: Having Boundaries - 5/23/2009 8:12:10 PM   
Jeptha


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Status: offline 		Off the top of my head; I think boundaries are more premeditated, considered, and chosen selectively.

You choose boundaries, but you don't choose insecurities...(generally speaking.)

Now - I suppose that boundaries can be made as a result of insecurities...but that's not necessarily either good or bad.

Probably all boundaries (and insecurities!) need to be reviewed occasionally to see if they are working in a positive way.

But boundaries are necessary. They are how you demarcate what is acceptable and what is not acceptable in your life.

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RE: Having Boundaries - 5/24/2009 6:04:48 AM   
gypsygrl


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Status: offline 		Someone (and I'm sorry I can't remember who) once posted here to the effect that boundaries keep you "in" and walls keep others "out."  Boundaries are good; walls are bad.  It was quite insightful.

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RE: Having Boundaries - 5/24/2009 6:10:23 AM   
CatdeMedici


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Status: offline 		Not having boundaries to Me, is a person who can't say no, who lives life willynilly at the mercy of anything that comes their way. Every person--vanilla or kink needs to have boundaries--and I can show you for every person who says they don't, I can give an example of where they do.

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RE: Having Boundaries - 5/24/2009 6:32:51 AM   
gypsygrl


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Status: offline 		A general thought:  Feeling insecure can be a rational, healthy response to a potentially threatening or new situation.  There's lots of situations in life that produce insecurity and its an appropriate response to those situations.  Its not necessarily a bad thing. 

Those of us who practice bdsm do a lot of crazy things, things that have, in various times and places, been deemed illegal, immoral, and/or dangerous.  In my mind, rational insecurity is built into what we do and its part of what keeps us safe if we pay attention to it rather than minimizing it or explaining it away.  Establishing boundaries is one way of dealing with an insecure situation: its a way of saying, I can do this, and have fun or a satifying relations but this is beyond my tolerances. 

So, I disaggree with the premise implied in the op that if something is a response to insecurity, its bad.  (Again, its an implied premise, and you didn't really explain your position so I'm doing a bit of interpretation.)

< Message edited by gypsygrl -- 5/24/2009 6:33:59 AM >

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RE: Having Boundaries - 5/24/2009 6:57:04 AM   
cpK69


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Status: offline 		~fr~
I see boundaries as a form of protection, either of self, or someone/thing, else.

It doesn’t have to be about insecurity, as it can also be about being aware of a weakness; and not necessarily that of the one who has the boundaries.

Kim

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RE: Having Boundaries - 5/24/2009 7:18:57 AM   
MissJanice2


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Status: offline 		It does not mean you are insecure at all.  I am a Domme and have limitations such as edge play and gang rape scenes. 
If I am at a party where play is going on and I am not sure about it, I watch and observe.  I will probably at some point step up to bat and learn how to do it.
Gang rapes are out of the question along with edge play because I will pass out during edge play.
 
Best Wishes,
 
Mistress_Jan

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RE: Having Boundaries - 5/24/2009 7:30:04 AM   
breatheasone


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quote:

ORIGINAL: gypsygrl

A general thought:  Feeling insecure can be a rational, healthy response to a potentially threatening or new situation.  There's lots of situations in life that produce insecurity and its an appropriate response to those situations.  Its not necessarily a bad thing. 

Those of us who practice bdsm do a lot of crazy things, things that have, in various times and places, been deemed illegal, immoral, and/or dangerous.  In my mind, rational insecurity is built into what we do and its part of what keeps us safe if we pay attention to it rather than minimizing it or explaining it away.  Establishing boundaries is one way of dealing with an insecure situation: its a way of saying, I can do this, and have fun or a satifying relations but this is beyond my tolerances. 

So, I disaggree with the premise implied in the op that if something is a response to insecurity, its bad.  (Again, its an implied premise, and you didn't really explain your position so I'm doing a bit of interpretation.)

i agree....i always thought boundaries were just fine. In fact i never thought that boundaries meant insecurity. After reading a few threads lately i got the feeling i was in the minority. Thats why i'm actually quite surprised/glad over the opinions here. Its very encouraging to hear.


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RE: Having Boundaries - 5/24/2009 7:35:45 AM   
breatheasone


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Status: offline 		BTW.... if boundaries are so healthy?.... why do they have to be pushed? i've heard it said "You have to push your boundaries to grow"..... i would MUCH rather broaden my horizons,  then "push boundaries."  From what everyone is saying (and i agree) boundaries are there for a reason right?

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RE: Having Boundaries - 5/24/2009 7:43:01 AM   
MissJanice2


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Status: offline 		You do have to push your boundaries to grow, but to what point you want to stop?   That is where I came up with my to limitations. 
I witnessed a gang rape scene that got out of hand.  I could not stand seeing women treated that way.  The slave that was being raped loved it.  I talked with her after the scene, and she was fine. 
I won't forget it. It made me terribly uncomfortable.
Needle play is too dangerous for me to fool with.   I can do just as much dominating without them.
 
Best Wishes, Mistress_Jan

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RE: Having Boundaries - 5/24/2009 7:57:06 AM   
breatheasone


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Status: offline 		what (if anything) is the difference between boundaries and limits? 

Edited to add: OMG??!! did i just ask a question equivalent to whats the difference between a slave and a sub? LOL


< Message edited by breatheasone -- 5/24/2009 7:59:14 AM >

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RE: Having Boundaries - 5/24/2009 8:19:27 AM   
IronBear


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quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

It doesn't necessarily mean you have insecurities does it? Can't it be a way of expressing self awareness, or something like that? Any insight would be appreciated. 


  1. I set my boundaries in all aspects of my life according to my code of ethics, duty and honour.
  2. I set boundaries for my home and all within according to the ethics we live by and the well-being of the home.


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RE: Having Boundaries - 5/24/2009 8:26:54 AM   
missturbation


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quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

what (if anything) is the difference between boundaries and limits? 

Edited to add: OMG??!! did i just ask a question equivalent to whats the difference between a slave and a sub? LOL



For me personally a boundary is the equivalent of a soft limit, something you are willing to have pushed in the right circumstances etc.
For me a limit is a limit, something you will not go past.
I don't think that the term soft limit makes much sense at all, the limit is the limit.

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RE: Having Boundaries - 5/24/2009 8:41:57 AM   
breatheasone


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Status: offline 		Ok, so everyone HAS boundaries, but they don't necessarily come from us on our own(ourselves)?  Some have posted if they run into someone with no boundaries, it would worry them. Then some have said their "s" type has the boundaries they impose...So it sounds like there are indeed those with no boundaries, and that its even desirable to some "D" types to have a "s" type that doesn't.... So then not having boundaries isn't necessarily a bad thing like some have suggested?.....having no boundaries can be healthy? Am i understanding this right? inquiring minds wanna KNOW!!

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RE: Having Boundaries - 5/24/2009 8:46:48 AM   
gypsygrl


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quote:

i've heard it said "You have to push your boundaries to grow"..... i would MUCH rather broaden my horizons,  then "push boundaries."  From what everyone is saying (and i agree) boundaries are there for a reason right?


There are very few "have to's" in this world.  Saying something doesn't make it true.  Even lots of people saying something all at once doesn't make it true. 

People sometimes make growth out to be some dramatic process full of struggle, pain, challenges and tests of will.  Sometimes struggle and pain happens, but its not necessary for growth and doesn't always produce growth.  Indeed, sometimes struggle and pain stunt growth and inhibit development.  Can you imagine a horticulturalist who withheld water from his or her plants in the interests of challenging them to grow?    

Boundaries, in addition to being the product of healthy development, can also help to produce the conditions that encourage more healthy development.  Boundaries help to protect the growth that has already happened and because growth is culmulative they're essential to further growth. 

quote:

if boundaries are so healthy?.... why do they have to be pushed?


I'm guessing the folks who are into the whole pushing boundaries thing aren't the same people who find boundaries useful and productive. 





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