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SimplyV -> RE: Slave/wife wants to go nilla? (2/8/2006 6:57:07 PM)
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Reading this thread, really hit home for me in many ways. I have a boy who fits your wife's profile of a long long history of abuse. He isn't to the point of tantrums and fits yet, but he could be. I am also a product of abuse, so many of the things your wife says and does .. also remind me of me.
You said when you met her.. she was a doormat and you tried to heal her. That is great. I am also working on that with my boy. You mentioned that you altered yourself to not propagate or further the abuse of her past onto her. Also.. Great!
The problem comes in... What if your wife .. isn't a submissive? Sure she was submissive before, but then she was also broken and had coping mechanisms based on abuse which made her cower (not submission) to you.. aka the degrading herself in front of you, begging you not to beat.. probably all a coping mechanism to make you go easier on her and not beat the living daylights out of her like others had before.
Now that she's healing and not paralyzed by fears. She has found windows and opportunities open to her that she never had before. I'm sure she loves you for helping her to achieve this. And maybe she realizes that those windows that she never thought she could explore before because of her own self-image problems (due to abuse), are now still unaccessable because she knows you would never tolerate it. Or she thinks you won't.
Maybe in her job.. she's finding she likes having authority over others. Maybe she's finding she's actually good at it. Maybe she wants to explore the world. Maybe she wants to try her hand at Domme. But she probably still needs you to keep her grounded.
But maybe there are other problems..
quote:
ORIGINAL: Troubleinparadis
"As for taking my collar back I did that well over a year ago....since then though she has made herself chokers that have her slave name on them, and choses to wear them daily...."
Whoah.. Now for me.. Taking a collar back is the end, and when I've submitted in the past .. the taking of the collar is devastating. And obviously she didn't want it to end. She wasn't ready for the end. If you didn't want her to wear your collar, you also shouldn't allow her pretend that she is, nor should you expect her to submit to you at all after you removed your collar from her.
So.. you're confusing her. You either want her as your sub/slave.. or you don't. So.. collar her.. or really become nilla and deal with it.. or leave her. She wants clarity and you are not giving it to her.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Troubleinparadis
"I wasn't going to work 60 hours a week, come home to a dirty house, a slave that is a wife that is a slave that isnt submissive, and dosent want sex, but wants to huggle and cuddle and kiss and touch, but only when she is in the mood....and oh by the way I need another $100 for shopping money....lol yeah right."
"She has had her job for a very short ammount of time and they allready want to make her a manager, just have to wait until she has been there long enough (and even at that they are fast tracking her) having her study the managment test books and what not so she can go "gold" soon as she has been there long enough."
"long story short, it quickly turned to her WANTING to know who I was calling and demanding to know and if she cant know then she cant submit anymore....
My response, you cant submit any less....do what you need to do..... "
Ok.. You've already removed her collar. She's now making the money for the house, and doing very well at it. And you are still expecting her to submit. Hell I'd be ready to pull you over my knee as well.
She also shows concern and lack of trust in you.. by asking who you're calling. You're also playing passive-aggressive games with her (probably because you can't get what you want) by not telling her who "them" are... She wants and needs to trust you, and it doesn't look like she does. If you would expect her to tell you who she was on the phone with.. you'd better also be willing to accept that same grilling yourself.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Troubleinparadis
"I know there is a nilla guy at work that has been flirting hard with her, I know also that she will not discuss how he flirts or what he says.... knowing her the way I do that means she wont talk about it because there is something she does not want me to know...I dont think she has cheated on me or anything like that, but I am for sure she is tempted."
"She has vocalized an intrest in cheating on me....she wnet on to say how she knows that would ruin our realtionship (duh)...and didnt because of that (but then again she is a liar)."
Trust issues again. You don't trust her. She doesn't trust you. And it looks like you two aren't really talking. Well you might be talking.. but no one is listening. I do not and will not allow my sub/slave not to talk about something. Usually when he does it, its because what he has to say is something he thinks he will be punished for. Half the time, thats not even the case and he sits and lets it fester inside him until it becomes a huge issue of trust for both of us.
Sometimes setting up a "confessional" type talking atmosphere.. where its safe to talk and express yourself .. without fear of repercussions is very beneficial for both parties. It helps establish trust.
She needs your support as much as you need hers.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Troubleinparadis
"And no I am no god, in fact I am not even a very good Master or I would not be in this situation would I?
I do not have an inflated ego, or think my shit dont stink.....I just want what I want and think I owe it to myself to not settle for much less."
I was glad to read this. Its all too easy to blame the other person whole heartedly. I'm glad you recognize that you may have short comings that have lead to this outcome.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Troubleinparadis
"thats the problem I am not nilla, so the only way I know to be nilla is very close to just ignoring her and figuring she will come to me when she wants something....
she then complains that she cant ask for what she wants, and if she had to it would cheapen it anyway.....
yeah I know my actions in a nilla type mindset arent probably right....but then I never clamied to be nilla... (havent ever even had a "girl friend" really, I had submissives before I knew what the term ment."
Wow.. a psychiatrist would have a field day with you. Nilla isn't ignoring. Its asking instead of demanding, compromising, being polite and considerate..
I would recommend to you .. to write down what it is that you need from her. Not wants.. but what do you NEED to be happy.
When she came to you.. she was a doormat.. her submission wasn't as much a choice as it was conditioning.. much like a dog. Maybe its time to renegotiate?
quote:
ORIGINAL: Troubleinparadis
"looking back she had a manipulative hand in the decision though....used to complain and have some emotional stress over being a kept whore...etc
and things like dont you love me? then why not marry me?/........hmm yeah why dont I.
So I did, and it was wonderful, and life was great, and I was on top of the world...and then slowly she changed. "
Slowly she changed because she was growing under your care. People do that.. they grow. And I'm not sure what you're religion is.. but with her self-esteem problems.. and problems with her family's trust in her men.. she probably thought in the back of her mind that she was your whore until you married her. A Dom/me's actions speak loudly as to what they really think of their sub. I'm sure by marrying her, you gave her security that this wasn't just some temporary use-her-and-lose-her fantasy. It probably helped give her self-esteem. She still had to live in the nilla world part time like the rest of us.. and nilla may not understand a collar, but they do understand a wedding ring. And a girl's gotta gloat. :)
quote:
ORIGINAL: Troubleinparadis
she has mentioned how I should find "some whore" to use, and then come cuddle on the couch with her.....suggested I take a live in slave.
uhhh no this woman cant control her emotions over nothing, has panic attacks over little, I cringe at the drama that another girl in the house would cause.
It was also her idea to be "alpha" (in her mind Dom over) the "whore".
She sounds like she's having issues with power and sex. I don't know her history, but if there was sexual abuse then that would explain a lot of this. She may want to have her power back in sex, by not having that power she may feel she is being abused again or may be getting flashbacks during or before.. Talking and communication is key.
She may also.. as I said before.. want to explore being in power, but she may not know how to approach it.. or do it.. Many who heal from sexual abuse have the desire to reverse the roles and be the one in charge over their own sexual organs and their partners. Some go to extreme and rape or abuse others, however in a consentual relationship, she should be able to explore this side with mutual pleasure for both parties.
Just my two or 10 cents.
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