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Seeking guidance/advice - 5/25/2009 2:33:52 AM

CosmiMisfitJon

Posts: 2
Joined: 3/29/2009
Status: offline

Hi, I was seeking some advice...I have never been involved with this lifestyle but I was curious to experiment with both sub and dom roles, including bondage both ways, for fun. However after corresponding with some people in the lifestyle I get the sense that I wouldn't "fit in" since I'm not into devotion/commitment/whatnot to the lifestyle...I am busy with my own complicated life and am simply hoping to meet one or more women for experimental mutual fun with sub and dom and switching scenarios; nothing really deep. I am not sure if this site is right for me; I think I'd prefer to meet people in the lifestyle who would be okay with me and after talking about it in person with people, hopefully find someone right for me. I am not in a relationship and do not know any women currently who would be open to such a thing with me as of yet. I tend to be socially awkward (high functioning Autism) and I am usually broke. I live in the southern NJ area...any advice?

Post #: 1

RE: Seeking guidance/advice - 5/25/2009 3:02:44 AM

Fitznicely

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

You will likely get the "stock" answers here: attend munches and parties.

What I'll say is that you can refine your search on the "other side" quite well. I'd say looking for female switches within reasonable travelling distance from NJ would bring up a good few results to be starting off with.

I'm sorry you've not felt like you fit in yet. It can be a bit daunting to wander around a site where a lot of people will try their their best to out-BDSM the next person (meaning the profile side of things, not here. We're lovely!). The truth is, we're all human and however strident or long-in-the-tooth some people might seem, they're on the whole, perfectly approachable and - if you're lucky - tolerant and helpful towards newcomers. The ones that aren't? Well that's what your block, mute and ignore buttons are for.

There's an "Ask a switch" forum here. Why not spend some time going thru the questions and chat on that forum. Many people have been and are in your situation and I'm sure they'd do their best with any questions you have.

_____________________________

I tell you this: No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn
Proud Owner of Darkmoonkat. Such a good girl!

(in reply to CosmiMisfitJon)

Post #: 2

RE: Seeking guidance/advice - 5/25/2009 3:07:08 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

To start with, I'd correct your terms. If you want the exploration without the devotion/commitment that you mention, it sounds more likely that you would be either a bottom or a top, depending on what you want to try. It would be My opinion that you will have better luck as an inexperienced bottom than an inexperienced top. Many people aren't willing to allow someone to put them in bondage when they don't know what they're doing. (That goes for a lot of things, not just bondage.) Until you pick up some skills, don't be surprised if people are more willing to play with those who have more experience than you.

If you want to meet people in the lifestyle, My suggestion to you is to go out and meet them. Join up with your local munch groups and attend events. I'm not saying you don't belong on the site, but the best way to meet people to play is to meet them in the outside world. Look for rope demos in your area so you can kill two birds with one stone. You'll meet people AND learn something along the way.

Hope that helps.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to CosmiMisfitJon)

Post #: 3

RE: Seeking guidance/advice - 5/25/2009 3:32:00 AM

oceanwinds

Posts: 530
Status: offline

Welcome to the boards, CosmiMisfitJon

Fitznicely and Lady Pact gave you some great ideas, as I am sure others will too. Patience and learning are 2 suggestions I will give you. Not everyone fits into a cookie cutter, so don't start feeling less then, if you do not fit another's ideal of what you should be like. There are many wonderful posters here, and you can get a lot of suggestions. Being new to these sites dont be intimadated either, a lot of times there is snarky remarks. It is just the way of the world, those who love to throw their 'weight' around. You will find what can work for you, just be patient.

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 4

RE: Seeking guidance/advice - 5/25/2009 3:52:09 AM

TEMPERANCE

Posts: 126
Joined: 8/22/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CosmiMisfitJon

including bondage both ways, for fun.

Funnily enough most people into rope bondage either call themselves tops or bottoms... alot of people i know who are into rope, assuming this is what you are talking about, also like to tie as well as be tied. So what if you're not into the classical D/s stylie thing... rope flingers are great in their own right.

Have you tried a site called fetlife? There is a large proportion of serious riggers on there so you may find it very beneficial just to get some ieas from some serious rope dudes, Im sure there are probably loads on here too but they get hidden within all the other benign waffle...

Regards

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(in reply to CosmiMisfitJon)

Post #: 5

RE: Seeking guidance/advice - 5/25/2009 3:52:40 AM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline

It is not for others to define where you will or won't "fit"--make your own path, do what feels most comfortable to you, then you will be happiest.

By the way, most of us have very hectic vanilla lives too.

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to CosmiMisfitJon)

Post #: 6

RE: Seeking guidance/advice - 5/25/2009 3:56:32 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

You can also buy several excellent books on rope work. Authors: Jay Wiseman, Two Knotty Boys, Midori. The Knotty Boys also have videos up online. Twistedmonk.com has some online tutorials.

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Cynical and proud of it!

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Post #: 7

RE: Seeking guidance/advice - 5/25/2009 4:25:23 AM

peppermint

Posts: 5172
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

Many people know about autism these days. I have two friends with autistic children. My own grandson is autistic. I do agree with the others. You wish to experiment being a rope bottom or top, not a D/s relationship.

Most groups and munches have one person who is basically the leader of the group. Most also have an email address where you can contact that person. My suggestion would be to contact that person and explain that you are socially awkward and why. Perhaps that person can talk to the others in the group and ease your introduction to a munch group. Actually, one of the leader's jobs is to try to make munch enjoyable for everyone. If people know you have an autism problem they will be more likely to accept you for what you are rather than to think you are just plain odd. An odd person might not be trusted. An autistic person who has made an effort to join in a group might be found acceptable and someone people want to get to know better.

Most groups have rope experts who are often looking for a stunt dummie. You could volunteer to be that stunt dummie. Those very same rope experts also love to teach techniques and knots. So please, think about finding a munch group. It could work to your benefit.

(in reply to CosmiMisfitJon)

Post #: 8

RE: Seeking guidance/advice - 5/25/2009 6:43:30 AM

MmeGigs

Posts: 706
Joined: 1/26/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CosmiMisfitJon
I am busy with my own complicated life and am simply hoping to meet one or more women for experimental mutual fun with sub and dom and switching scenarios; nothing really deep.

There are very few women out there who are interested in casual play with strangers. Normally I'd suggest that you hire a professional, but if you're usually broke that's not an option. There are a fair number of women who play casually with friends. Hooking up for casual play involves a time commitment. whether you're meeting people one-on-one or getting involved in your local community. You can do both, but if your time is very limited I'd suggest getting involved in the community. Trying to hook up one-on-one, you'll put in some time every day and end up meeting a handful of people over the course of a year, if you're lucky. You can meet that many folks or more in one evening at a munch.

Either way, your best bet is going to be to focus on meeting people in your local area. You're pretty close to Philadelphia. That's great - it's much easier to meet many kinky folks if you're in a major metro Here's a list of resources. http://www.drkdesyre.com/meetppl/orgs/orgspenn.html#PA If the community there is anything like it is here, there are a lot of folks who are usually broke. It doesn't have to be a deterent to participating. Munches usually have no cost other than your own food and beverage. Some folks eat before they go to keep the bill down. At parties and events with a ticket price, you can often get in half-price or free if you volunteer to help out. Volunteering is also a good way to get to know people and for them to get to know you, which will help make being socially awkward less of an issue.

(in reply to CosmiMisfitJon)

Post #: 9

RE: Seeking guidance/advice - 5/25/2009 4:50:02 PM

SmokingGun82

Posts: 575
Joined: 6/19/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MmeGigs
There are very few women out there who are interested in casual play with strangers.

CMJ, welcome to the forums. I'm going to offer a piece of advice that makes it a much more enjoyable experience- whatever someone writes has "in my experience/opinion" tacked on the end, whether they actually write it or not.

There are women who enjoy casual play with people they barely know. More than you might suspect. I'd also advise looking around and finding new groups until you find one that doesn't insist you fit into one mold or another. Some groups are good for singles, some aren't even if they're not trying to be exclusionary. Some are good fro switches, some cater to female dominants... again, even if that isn't the goal, it's what happens.

And don't forget the "in my experience/opinion" tag line.

_____________________________

It frightens me, the awful truth of how sweet life can be.
- Bob Dylan

Proper capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my Uncle Jack off a horse" and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse."

(in reply to MmeGigs)

Post #: 10

RE: Seeking guidance/advice - 5/29/2009 1:19:27 PM

LPslittleclip

Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline

find local groups and go to the munches. there are lots of demos and such out there you just have to go look for them. read up on the events and research who will be there. this is a good place to start and lots of ideas for the play. the play party's are great to see how some play and to get ideas as well as meet new folks.

(in reply to SmokingGun82)

Post #: 11

RE: Seeking guidance/advice - 5/30/2009 3:45:32 AM

CNJDom

Posts: 186
Joined: 6/6/2006
From: Southern NJ
Status: offline

Going out the Munches are always good. You'll get a feel for who's out there and their fetishes as well as other interests. The majority you'll find are more defined in what they want of themselves and other people. There are sometimes small groups called "Leather Families" for the most part that will have defined roles as well, but there are sometimes some wiggle room when it comes to play, and they are at times open to adapt a little to special needs of others especially when it comes to those just starting out. There are some casual play people and women do fall into that category. I think you might find another person in the same boat as you if you are lucky. One that is interested in the lifestyle and wishes to include BDSM into their world, but doesn't want the strictness of a role. Another curious switch perhaps, or someone just wants to experiment and experience.

When I was doing Dungeon Monitoring at the last Floating World, I saw a couple just like that. They spent the whole day whenever possible, trying out all the equipment set up. They didn't go to very many seminars that day, just hit one play station to another. A play station by the way are areas that set up in a club or play area designated as a "Dungeon" overall, so there might be a spanking bench, a cross, cage or table that will allow you to "play" there. This particular couple, went to each place oblivious to everyone else, and there wasn't any Dom/sub roles being displayed. One of them would get into a contraption like the suspended cage, and the other would play with the "captured" one. It was really refreshing to see two people just enjoying themselves and experimenting with all that was there. If one really liked what the other was doing or experiencing, then they would linger a bit longer at that place. We kept an eye out for them as well as anyone else that decided to play in the dungeon during the day, but it really warmed my heart to see a pair enjoying an innocent and uninhibited day like that.

So, it's out there...and it may take a little to find what you comfortable with, but your nature will come through and people will pick up on that by responding. At the munches, you'll find people generally want to help and will guide you on this. South Jersey's AC-based Munch is still around I'm sure, and there is also the Toms River Munch as well a bit down the Shore. The new club in Philly also has a Munch group that gets together in the City and then heads over to their club location. That club was put together by a very conscientious and caring Master there, and is growing into a wonderful place. His concept and what he want's it to grow into, promotes all that is good in the BDSM lifestyle, and you can learn a lot from Him and the others that attend there, since learning and sharing that knowledge to help others is a part of it all. I know it all sounds idealistic, but this is the majority of the kind of people I've found since I have arrived in NJ and the North East. Just head out and seek what you feel comfortable with. Good luck!

(in reply to LPslittleclip)

Post #: 12

RE: Seeking guidance/advice - 5/30/2009 6:03:49 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

If you are looking for the majority of a site to fit with the way you do things before you feel you fit in then you'd be looking for a very long time. Accept that you won't fit in THAT way and you'll fit in every other way because thats where the rest of Us are at. There maybe more or less common ground but no two people here will run their relationship exactly alike. Those differences are both our biggest strength (For seeing other approaches and learning new things) and our biggest weakness (Pissing contests and YKINOK).

Just be honest about who you are, what you seek and what you offer. Many topics on the board only deal with one aspect of what We do and that aspect could be common to a whole host of different dynamics so many people including yourself will have insight to offer.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to CNJDom)

Post #: 13

RE: Seeking guidance/advice - 5/30/2009 9:17:20 PM

AcademyForSlaves

Posts: 712
Joined: 2/24/2006
Status: offline

Hi.

There's nothing wrong with some experimenting to get to know yourself but always be honest about this to the other person involved. They should be told you are a switch so there's no misunderstandings.

There a switch forum on here so check it out.

_____________________________

Academy Mistresses
http://www.academyforslaves.com/home.html

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 14

RE: Seeking guidance/advice - 5/30/2009 9:22:42 PM

AcademyForSlaves

Posts: 712
Joined: 2/24/2006
Status: offline

ps.Some cases of Autism can be cured with detoxification, vitamins, cutting out dairy and wheat, and other cleansing remedies. Today I read that Jim Carey and Jenny McCartney cured their son of Autism this way.

Hope this helps.

_____________________________

Academy Mistresses
http://www.academyforslaves.com/home.html

(in reply to AcademyForSlaves)

Post #: 15

RE: Seeking guidance/advice - 5/31/2009 11:06:15 AM

CosmiMisfitJon

Posts: 2
Joined: 3/29/2009
Status: offline

Thank you for your input everyone, I think that meeting people at local munches is the best route for me. However I sent some emails out to groups that had local munches, in order to start getting involved, but responses yet.

(in reply to AcademyForSlaves)

Post #: 16

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