how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations?

how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? (Full Version)

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ThinkinBoutIt -> how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? (5/25/2009 3:10:40 AM)
I understand that my role as a sub/ slave is to be subservient to a Dom. And, I think it is my job to make things easier on him. But, I find sometimes that I struggle with sutations where I am not able to express myself to my Dom. I wonder if others struggle in any of these areas and how they have overcome. So, how do other Sub/ slaves handle any the following: The Dom hurts your feelings You are angry or frustrated You have a desire or want (ie. sexual favor that you desire) You feel the Dom has misunderstood you or your intensions. You disagree with the Dom You are disatisfied in any area of your relationship

peppermint -> RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? (5/25/2009 4:02:34 AM)
1. The Dom hurts your feelings I generally cry and make it known as in saying "You hurt my feelings". 2. You are angry or frustrated Whether I'm angry with him or something or someone else, he gets told. 3. You have a desire or want (ie. sexual favor that you desire) Easy, I start to nibble the back of his neck and suggest we head for the bed room. Whether we go to bed room is his decision. He has turned me down on occasion. 4. You feel the Dom has misunderstood you or your intensions. If I know he misunderstood something, it is my duty to inform him that he has misunderstood and tell him what the intension was. 5. You disagree with the Dom I tell him what I think. 6. You are disatisfied in any area of your relationship I tell him the problem. We talk about it. Just because you are a submissive or a slave does not mean that you now lack feelings, emotions, initiative, or opinions. Gary and I have learned to avoid politics as we are complete opposites there, and we can get loud while defending our beliefs. Occasionally, perhaps once or twice a year, we have a real arguement. We flair up quickly but it never lasts for long. Then we can more calmly talk about what caused the blowup. Communication, communication, communication. We stress that over and over yet some still believe that they need to keep feelings, wants, needs, opinions, and desires bottled up because they have this idea that it's not the place of a submissive or slave to have feelings, wants, needs, opinions, and desires. They feel that when they took on that coveted title of submissive or slave that they changed from human being to some sort of super duper service machine. Well, poppycock!!!! Guess what?? Sometimes a submissive is right and the Dominant is wrong!!! If he's doing something the wrong way and I know he's doing it wrong and I don't say something, then how is that being submissive and serving my Dominant? Example. We've had problems with the satellite TV in the motor home since starting this trip. One day it works, the next it can't find any satellites. Other days it finds a satellite but we can't get a picture. I told him I felt it was a loose connection from the way it was acting. He disagreed, running the set up for 4 hours yesterday, and who knows for how long this morning. I couldn't stand the noise and took a nap. When I woke up we had TV. He finally looked for and tightened up the loose connection. I know this is a small example, but if I had kept my thoughts to myself, we'd still be without TV and probably looking to pay a repairman to diagnose the problem. Funny thing about Dominants. When they took on that title it did not make them perfect. They still make mistakes too, as in they are just as human as a submissive or slave. However, we trust those same imperfect Dominants to make the best decisions they can for everyone's well being. What we do is called a Power Exchange. It was never meant to mean that each person loses their humanity.

Delphinus -> RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? (5/25/2009 4:21:15 AM)
For most of your questions, I simply talk to him and tell him. I've learned my lesson to be as upfront as possible with him, not through punishments or anything, just by him taking my hand and saying "Why didn't you tell me this before? Then this all could have been avoided." It makes me feel childish when I choose to keep something hidden from him, and I hate feeling childish. As far as a sexual desire that I want, this is a personal preference, but...I write about it. He and I both love to write and are constantly trying to outdo each other with our stories of hidden desires. Anything I've written has so far either happened, or I know it will happen - that it's just not possible now (like we don't have the props yet, or something.) It's a great, entertaining way to reveal our fantasies, a method that we both enjoy and respond to.

DesFIP -> RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? (5/25/2009 4:24:57 AM)
You talk openly to him. #1) Did you mean to be hurtful and rude when you said that? Because I am hurt/angry/resentful/feeling that you are untrustworthy when you do things like this. And I don't want a relationship where I am being hurt, made to feel defensive, don't trust or like my partner. #2) Right now I am angry and frustrated with you and don't much like you. I'll talk to you later when I have calmed down and feel like talking to you. I hope you will feel like talking to me respectfully then also. #3) Hey Honey/Sir/Uberlord of Doom: I am really interested in doing X about now. I read about this position and would love to try it sometime, hint, hint, what about now? Same for 4, 5, and 6. You talk openly about it and you do not accept mistreatment. If someone says one thing to you, and does another, trust their actions, not their words. If they promised something and don't do it, remind them you signed on for X and not for Y and that if what they want is Y then why weren't they honest about it instead of lying to you.

CatdeMedici -> RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? (5/25/2009 4:31:26 AM)
Open your mouth and let the words flow. Subservient does not translate to doormat and when one becomes a submissive-- the brain, the heart and the wants and needs do not go into autopilot.

sambamanslilgirl -> RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? (5/25/2009 7:58:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ThinkinBoutIt I understand that my role as a sub/ slave is to be subservient to a Dom. And, I think it is my job to make things easier on him. i have a differing opinion about your opening stance. i'm submissive however not subservient to Daddy. quote: The Dom hurts your feelings You are angry or frustrated You have a desire or want (ie. sexual favor that you desire) You feel the Dom has misunderstood you or your intensions. You disagree with the Dom You are disatisfied in any area of your relationship simply one word - C O M M U N I C A T I O N. doms aren't mind readers - if there's a problem, speak up.

IrishMist -> RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? (5/25/2009 8:07:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ThinkinBoutIt I understand that my role as a sub/ slave is to be subservient to a Dom. And, I think it is my job to make things easier on him. But, I find sometimes that I struggle with sutations where I am not able to express myself to my Dom. I wonder if others struggle in any of these areas and how they have overcome. So, how do other Sub/ slaves handle any the following: The Dom hurts your feelings You are angry or frustrated You have a desire or want (ie. sexual favor that you desire) You feel the Dom has misunderstood you or your intensions. You disagree with the Dom You are disatisfied in any area of your relationship I can only answer from my own personal experiences; and mine are a bit more extreme than others. If he had hurt my feelings; I sucked it up because he really could have cared less. If I was angry or frustrated, he often noticed this; he would instigate a fight because he knew that that was what I needed to release the anger or frustration. My desires and wants never entered into our relationship; not in the way that you are implying. If there was something that I wanted, I told him, he decided, that was the end of it. The same with desires. My intentions were always to keep the relationship on an even keel; unless I was itching for a beating then I would provoke him. If he misunderstood something that I had said or done; well then that was my fault for not being more clear in what I was trying to say. I almost always disagreed with him; but it did not matter. I did what he said, no questions asked or I walked out the door. Pretty simple. I was never dissatisfied. We had our issues, but every relationship does. We just worked ours out differently than most did. All I can say is that if this is what is happening in your own relationship; not feeling satisfied with the way things are; then you need to sit down and force the issue with him. Tell him you are unhappy. Listen to his response. And then make the decision if you can live with his answer or not.

junecleaver -> RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? (5/25/2009 8:14:54 AM)
I had this argument with my mother all the time as a child. I would express an opinion contrary to hers in a calm, respectful manner. She would tell me I was disrespectful and ungrateful. So in this situation, I literally could not express anything remotely 'negative' towards her or it was 'disrespectful.' You can imagine how frustrating that is. I refuse to be in a relationship with someone who holds onto their authority in this manner. It's inevitable he'll hurt your feelings eventually, because you are both humans and you probably hold his opinion in high esteem. I HAVE to be able to talk about how I feel, what I think, etc openly. Do I yell? Do I act like a brat or a spoiled child? No, I talk more or less calmly even though tears might come. That's not disrespectful it's just open communication. Besides, the more information your Dominant has about who you are, how you feel, how you tick, etc the more easily he will dominate you.

chamberqueen -> RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? (5/25/2009 8:45:37 AM)
It is easy to think that you are being "good" by burying your concerns and frustrations. In a lot of cases the other person really doesn't have a clue how you are feeling - whether it is a BDSM relationship or not. Sometimes the misunderstanding can go on for many months with your partner not realizing that you have been in pain or confused the whole time. Communicate. Choose your words carefully. Saying something like, "I don't feel like I'm getting what I hoped for out of this relationship" can cause even more confusion. Saying, "Sir, I think that it is possible that you misunderstood why I did something and I respectfully ask that you allow me to explain myself. If you still believe I did something wrong please guide me," would probably be met with a positive response. If I really want something I ask for it. I know that he has the right to say no. I am specific in my requests. "I loved it when we ... Could we please do that again sometime?", or "May I please have a hug? I could really use one". If you disagree on something, and neither of you are heated, you can start with, "I respectfully disagree. May I explain why?". His reaction will show you how approachable he is - either at that moment or as a rule. One of my worst habits has been in burying unwanted feelings and just sticking on a brave face. I've found that opening up with other subs/slaves have helped and there have been times when they have corrected bad thinking patterns. Sometimes I was selfish without realizing it, for instance, and when it was pointed out to me from a peer it was easier to take. Relationships are bound to have misunderstandings and hurt feelings simply because both partners are human and fallible. Remember that you are not alone in this; that many of us have struggled with those same questions at some point in our journey. I wish the best for you as you work out how best to handle them.

littlewonder -> RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? (5/25/2009 9:01:40 AM)
we communicate. I tell him exactly how I'm feeling. I don't yell, I don't scream. We talk. I may email or text him with the basics of what I need to talk about and then we either talk on the phone about the problem or we wait until we're together to talk about the issue. Then again I really don't have a problem usually with talking to Master. I feel it's better to just come out with whatever it bothering me and let the chips fall where they may.

Mercnbeth -> RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? (5/25/2009 10:29:08 AM)
quote: ...But, I find sometimes that I struggle with sutations where I am not able to express myself to my Dom... what is the struggle about? are you not able...because He has forbidden you to? not able...because you are too painfully shy? not able...because you can't express yourself respectfully? not able...because you refuse to communicate? not able...because you are wearing a ball gag?

ThinkinBoutIt -> RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? (5/25/2009 11:05:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth what is the struggle about? are you not able...because He has forbidden you to? not able...because you are too painfully shy? not able...because you can't express yourself respectfully? not able...because you refuse to communicate? not able...because you are wearing a ball gag?

RCdc -> RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? (5/25/2009 11:13:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ThinkinBoutIt But, I find sometimes that I struggle with sutations where I am not able to express myself to my Dom. I echo beth. Why do you struggle? Does he not allow you to speak or are you shy and unable? In all your questions, I would talk with him. If your not talking with him, whynot? the.dark.

ohsocheekyslave -> RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? (5/25/2009 11:21:01 AM)
oh honey - can completely empathise with you here! it was partly this girls inability to speak up to her former Master that she was unsettled and feeling insecure that caused the ultimate release (have to add here that it was actions on this slaves part and not his frustration at her not speaking to him openly that caused the rift). if time could be rewound i would realise now that he's not a mind reader, and as someone else has said by bottling up feelings was doing more harm than good! take a deep breath - maybe write him a letter to start if that makes things easier - but please please do talk to him.... this slave learnt a valuable lesson by not doing so and would hate for you to learn the same way.... hugs and luck cheekyslave x

ThinkinBoutIt -> RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? (5/25/2009 11:50:02 AM)
Well, I am just learning to use this message board...so please bear with me[:)] In response to Mercnbeth: Your question as to why I am not able is valid. I think that when I approach the feelings and issues that I described, my Dom views this as an attack or me leading in the relationship. From my Dom's perspective, and he would say it's his perspective that matters, and I am being disrrespectful. I would like to find a way to express my feeflings and needs in a way that I am heard and leaves my Dom feeling good about me and our relationship.

leadership527 -> RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? (5/25/2009 11:51:46 AM)
ThinkinBoutIt: These are all areas wherein communication is needed.. some urgently. I have strongly impressed upon Carol that while I'm fine with driving the car for the two of us, I am NOT fine with her covering up half the windshield while I make the attempt. In other words, if I'm to be managing her life as well as my own, I need a LOT more information about her life than I needed before and it is imperative that these sorts of communications happen. Carol, in turn, has really taken that to heart and I note the she is growing progressively more outspoken and assertive while being my slave. I'll turn her into a domme yet... just give me time laughs. quote: I think that when I approach the feelings and issues that I described, my Dom views this as an attack or me leading in the relationship. You need to validate whether this is true or not. If you are making it up in your own head out of your own fears, then you need to root that out promptly. If, on the other hand, you are right, then you're looking at a "dominant" with a weak ego. And frankly, doms with weak egos are scary at best -- domineering is what I call that. Carol questions me constantly. She constantly offers her thoughts, insights, and ideas for how to improve our relationship. Quite frequently I make adaptations in The Plan(tm) based upon her very sensible and intelligent thoughts. At no point do I see any of that as her leading or challenging my role. Talk is just talk... we both know who is in charge and who not. quote: I would like to find a way to express my feeflings and needs in a way that I am heard and leaves my Dom feeling good about me and our relationship. I'm dubious whether this will help you, but in our case, I've told mine to construct sentences in the form of "yes but..." As in, "Yes Master, I am prepared to obey BUT there is some information you may want to know..." This makes it clear right up front to the both of us that she is not in any way abdicating her position as mine, she is simply offering up data. Of course, after she offers up that data, she has to actually be OK with accepting the results that since it may or may not change my decision.

MercilessMarcy -> RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? (5/25/2009 11:59:47 AM)
I don't know if this has been addressed yet, so here goes. Discussions take place outside of play. In a neutral setting. Perhaps keeping a journal would be ideal for you. STATE your feelings, thoughts, desires, anger, etc. in I messages. I feel...... I want...... I'd love to be ....... Don't place blame, shame, guilt on yourself or your DOM. We all need to be gentle with ourselves. It would also be helpful if you wrote a letter to yourself. Or spoke out loud to yourself. Use the tone of voice you would speak to a puppy in. I'm SERIOUS HERE.

leadership527 -> RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? (5/25/2009 12:03:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MercilessMarcy I don't know if this has been addressed yet, so here goes. Discussions take place outside of play. In a neutral setting. Great point.. I forget that for some, this all happens in the context of play. I would absolutely agree that if there is some other mode of communication (not D/s) that the two parties have, then when the D/s isn't working so well is a great time to think about other modes.

YoungBlondeSlave -> RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? (5/25/2009 12:06:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ThinkinBoutIt I understand that my role as a sub/ slave is to be subservient to a Dom. And, I think it is my job to make things easier on him. But, I find sometimes that I struggle with sutations where I am not able to express myself to my Dom. I wonder if others struggle in any of these areas and how they have overcome. So, how do other Sub/ slaves handle any the following: The Dom hurts your feelings You are angry or frustrated You have a desire or want (ie. sexual favor that you desire) You feel the Dom has misunderstood you or your intensions. You disagree with the Dom You are disatisfied in any area of your relationship This is our convo from last night, i hope it helps to clarify a few things...and of course this is my [sm=2cents.gif] as well. [:)] --- her: So, I would be interested in hearing more about your experiences and pick your brain a bit me: alright her: Do you feel like you have had success being a slave? me: i'm not quite sure i understand the question. i'm not collared (yet) so i suppose in that respect i'm not. But i'm wondering what you mean exactly. her: Sorry, I'll try to be more clear. As I understand it, a slave has no rights me: yes and no...at least the way i understand it. her: can you tell me how you understand it? me: The beauty of this lifestyle is that there are no real hard and fast rules (edited to add: not many, anyway) and there is a great deal of grey area and LOTS of room for interpretation. What works for you may not work for someone else and vice versa. her: I see me: You are right that a slave has "no rights" but really, they it is just that the rights they have are whatever their Dom/me has allowed them. You will also notice that there are very strict Doms who forbid you to speak without raising your hand or making some sort of gesture and maybe even requiring you to ask to go to the bathroom and check in at certain times of the day....it's all protocol and some girls thrive on that sort of structure. It would make me neurotic. her: how far would you be comfortable? me: Then there are also very lenient Doms who basically have the relationship vanilla except for in the bedroom. i'm one of those who basically needs guidelines and help along the way...and A LOT of training because i tend to run amok and get sidetracked. her: So, you like the structure me: But, i want something in between the two examples that i gave. i do, yes. Because i feel like it gives me a little more purpose...i like being able to do things for him that he likes having done when he wants them done. Like coffee and breakfast in the morning. Putting his clothes out for work while he's in the shower. Just little things, it doesn't need to be crawling around on all fours with a collar and leash all the time. i mean, real life does tend to intervene. her: How do you think you would handle it, if you really wanted to say something...for example: The Dom accused you of something that you did not do. Or, he misunderstands your intensions....That is the area I have trouble with me: If he accused you of something you didn't do then, there's really nothing you can do except to say your piece and...depending on the severity of it forget about it or get out of the relationship because if that's what he's doing, he doesn't trust you and it's not worth it. her: It's an area of difficulty that me and the Dom I am dating have, so that is why I ask. I wonder if other subs/ slaves have tips. I've been with him over 5 years me: Oh wow, okay. Did he just start this or is it a recurring thing? her: Well, he has been clear all along that he wants to be in charge of the relationship. We have had power struggles over the years...not new. He is clearly wanting TPE relationsihp so there is no more fighting...but I am not sure I can do it all the time me: Hmm sounds like more a type A personality than Dom...because the doms that i know, it's just sort of a natural thing, it's never been a power struggle. Even if we're just friends. And, just modifying the relationship to make it a TPE will not end the fighting. her: Yes that is true... me: What else does he want? her: I think the power struggle is because I don't want to give up total power. That is why I am trying to see if it is something I can do. So, I thought maybe you might have some insight. You are younger than I, but likely more experienced in this arena me: There will always be a power struggle in the beginning of a D/s relationship. However, your situation is different because you've already been with him and should be able to trust and feel comfortable with him. What do you not want to give up control over? her: Oh, I believe I should give up control....That is a good question you ask. Most of the time I defer to him, I am all about serving and taking what he says to heart. But, he likes to be in control all of the time...Surprise, he's a Dom, lol....And, one of the things I find difficult is when he does not want to hear from me. A lot of time he does want to hear from me, but he will make a statement and he does not want me to disagree. And, I find it difficult when I do disagree not to try to talk about that. me: Ohhhh, sorta like the "when i want your opinion i'll give it to you" types. Hmmm, i had someone like that. i think it depends on what the disagreements are about. If it 's about what's for dinner, like i said before, you should let it slide. However, if you have a child that he is not the parent of and he tries to butt in with his child-rearing opinions, take a stand. Those are just examples mind you. her: Sure...Well, it is my intension to not argue as much as possible....but, I find myself taking a stand when I think it is important. But, he thinks it's too much. He doesn't ever want me to rise up against what he says, ever me: Well, (i hope this doesn't upset you but...) he's deluded if he thinks that you'll never ever have an opinion contrary to what his might be. Because, quite frankly, it's not realistic. You say "rise up" in a way that makes me think he's afraid you're going to overthrow him in his Domly throne of power that he believes he's rightfully assumed. Also, it makes me think he's a bit insecure at being Dom (i don't know if it's a new thing for him or not) and maybe he needs to learn a bit more about it. But, completely disregarding your thoughts, feelings and opinions are really, really inappropriate. her: Interesting....Well, I hope that he gets enough subs and slaves telling him that...maybe he'll adjust his expectations me: Well, if what you say is true, he'd probably ignore it coming from a sub/slave he didn't know if he's not going to listen to you...who he's been with for years. her: Well, it will all sort itself out....I appreciate your opinon. You seem very nice me: Well, i certainly hope it does. ... me: Well, is that what he is accusing you about? Being interested in other Doms? her: no. He knows I am not. But, I think there is still a certain discomfort...And, he says that most the Doms who write probably have alterior motives... Even though I clearly state in my profile I am interested in one. me: Honestly, most of' 'em don't even read profiles. her: well, that is probably true me: i state clearly that i'm totally against poly and 75% of the messages i get are "want to join my family" her: But I have had a couple who have taken quite a bit of time to give me some great advice. Like one guy said something so profound.... I was saying how I have struggles sometimes in being submissive in the situation that I described to you... me: Right her: And, he said, "JUST DO IT" Try it on and see how it feels, and if over time you don't like it then maybe it's not for you and you need to get out....something like that. Don't struggle...just DO IT. Duhhhhh. Maybe it's not as profound as I am making it...but it kind of hit home. me: i agree, actually. Try it on for size....granted, it will be difficult. Very. But, if it works it will be worth it. But, i also think getting the input of others will help as well. Because, that way you can pick and choose what little pieces of advice, motivation, instruction and whatnot you want to use and apply to your particular situation. Try different things and see what works for you. her: Exactly ... me: If it were me, i'd sit his ass down, put the D/s protocols aside and say my piece. And, let it go from there...but that's not you. ... her: It is really through the relationship I have been in that I have learned about my sub side....and I do have some domme characteristics too me: So then, you could very well be a switch. her: Im just trying to sort it all out...I think I may be. But, because i would like the relationship I am to work I am trying to nurture my sub side. The Domme characteristics I have don't serve me too well here me: why not? her: Well, okay, he likes that I can be a leader when he wants me to do that. So, in that way it can serve me. But, if we both want to be in charge that doesn't work so well for us me: Hmmm. Well, the power struggle is going to be a big hurdle for you guys. her: yep me: If worse comes to worse you can trying looking for a D/s friendly therapist and see how to work it out. her: Well, actually we did that...but he didn't want to continue because of the cost. I even offered to pay for it. We went once. me: hmm her: He is very frugal, even with my money, lol

kallisto -> RE: how do other sub/ slaves handle these situations? (5/25/2009 12:09:10 PM)
If I couldn't talk to him about any of these things, then there would be something wrong with our relationship. He can't read my mind. Sometimes it's easier to write it down than to have a face to face discussion. But no matter what, communication is essential. Choosing words carefully and making sure that I'm actually talking about how I feel or how a situation made me feel or what it is that I want is the way I would handle it. It always seems better to get the issues out in the open than to let them snowball into a bigger issue.

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