Thank You, Just the Same... (Full Version)

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Mercnbeth -> Thank You, Just the Same... (2/8/2006 9:07:30 AM)

We are all unique individuals, even those of us that are genetic twins have their own unique feelings, experiences, capabilities, desires and expressions. Our relationships are also unique, what is crucial and essential to one might cause major conflict and destroy another. In the last 3 years, every self-identified sub, slave, Dom, Domme, Master, Mistress or switch and the relationships they have that this slave has come into contact with has been a "snowflake" of a person or relationship, not a clone of someone else or their relationship. this slave can say the same for all the "vanilla" folks she has come into contact with in her 39 years of being alive, and a big YAAAAAAY!!! Vive Le difference!

someone might have had a similar experience and be able to describe it from their point of view, but just because you personally have not witnessed it or experienced it does not make it impossible or something to expect in the same way for yourself. someone might feel or behave a certain way at times toward their partner, but that does not mean we "ALL" do.
modern psychology has yet to discover "absolute" therapies or explanations for human behavior--it is far from it--we are who we are and we do what we do and it doesn't always boil down to a syndrome, illness or defect.

Communication is important...but the effective manner in which we communicate varies.

Honest disclosure of thoughts and feelings to the one you are in a relationship with is important...protocol on how that occurs varies.

Having inner peace is fantastic...some folks feel it briefly from time to time, for others, it is a source drawn from each day.

Often this slave sees folks come here posting a question on a relationship issue and getting support from what this slave considers to be intelligent people~however, some of the responses are littered with false reassurances conditioned on absolutes~as if "ALL relationships are the same" or "it's normal, (or worse) natural, to feel that way, everybody does" or "we ALL have times when we feel ____________" or "no one can _______"

this slave's question is twofold:
for those of you who ask questions---are you getting what you are seeking when folks respond with these absolutes? would it make a difference if folks responded with their own personal experiences instead of gross generalities about people and relationships they have never met or communicated with?

for those who answer questions in such a way---how did you come to such enlightenment that you could know and unequivocally state that everyone feels, thinks or behaves just the same within themselves and in their intimate relationships?



veronicaofML -> RE: Thank You, Just the Same... (2/8/2006 9:11:54 AM)


this slave's question is twofold:
for those of you who ask questions---are you getting what you are seeking when folks respond with these absolutes? would it make a difference if folks responded with their own personal experiences instead of gross generalities about people and relationships they have never met or communicated with?

for those who answer questions in such a way---how did you come to such enlightenment that you could know and unequivocally state that everyone feels, thinks or behaves just the same within themselves and in their intimate relationships?

_____________________________________________________

i'll answer THIS way...
to some extent...BOTH.
i get SOME good answers...but i get a lot of "flames" too.
i TRY to give sound advice, based on MY experience and good sense from the last 42 yrs of life since i was nigh on 10 year old.

did that help?



KatyLied -> RE: Thank You, Just the Same... (2/8/2006 9:37:33 AM)

This makes me think of one of my favorite quotes:

Always Remember You Are Unique. Just Like Everyone Else!!



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Thank You, Just the Same... (2/8/2006 9:45:07 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
for those of you who ask questions---are you getting what you are seeking when folks respond with these absolutes? would it make a difference if folks responded with their own personal experiences instead of gross generalities about people and relationships they have never met or communicated with?

I rarely ever see someone JUST post "we all feel that way."

Nearly universally they follow it up with their own specific experiences. I think the balance of those combined serves to help everyone feel more connected as well as to highlight possible differences between contexts and perspectives.

quote:


for those who answer questions in such a way---how did you come to such enlightenment that you could know and unequivocally state that everyone feels, thinks or behaves just the same within themselves and in their intimate relationships?

While I rarely will state such things, for me it is simply an understanding of history, psychology, personal experience, intuition and more.

And for me when I do say things like "Everyone goes through sub frenzy" I'm not suggesting that people are lying if they come up with "Well not me" but am rather saying "Sub frenzy is a nearly universal experience for people to have."

For example saying "All women go through periods as they grow up" is not universal. Some women don't get periods until they are much older due to physical issues. And certainly no woman experiences their period in the same way.

However, to say a universal comforting platitude like that is more for the purpose of inclusion and establishing a connected bond- not to eliminate possibilities.

Not to mention, a majority of the time someone on a slave discussion pipes up to say "Not me!" is often as a way to somehow suggest they are "slavelier than thou."



mistoferin -> RE: Thank You, Just the Same... (2/8/2006 9:52:43 AM)

quote:

this slave's question is twofold:
for those of you who ask questions---are you getting what you are seeking when folks respond with these absolutes? would it make a difference if folks responded with their own personal experiences instead of gross generalities about people and relationships they have never met or communicated with?


beth,
I tend to gather more knowledge from those who respond from their own personal experiences, maybe because that most closely matches my own style of responding. I think that I take what I can use personally from both methods of response and discard the rest. One thing that I have learned is that there are no absolutes, so I bear that in mind when I get a response from someone who presents in that manner.

quote:

for those who answer questions in such a way---how did you come to such enlightenment that you could know and unequivocally state that everyone feels, thinks or behaves just the same within themselves and in their intimate relationships?


Gosh, I hope that I don't fall into this category in my responses for I certainly don't believe that any of us can begin to understand how another truly feels, even when in the same circumstance. Should I come off this way....give me a couple of good hard reality whacks would ya???

Edited to add that I guess that when I ask a question, I really don't have any expectation that anyone is going to have THE answer that will be right for me....and when I respond I never have the expectation that my answer will be THE right answer for the person I am responding to. I tend to take all into consideration and see what fits the best or sounds like it makes the most sense to my current situation.....and it is my hope that all do the same when reading the responses that I give.



phoenixslave -> RE: Thank You, Just the Same... (2/8/2006 9:53:59 AM)

katy, i like that quote. as a gay man i took the " walk to the beat of your own drummer" motto to heart. lol. till it entailed getting the uniform right and the correctspeak down pat.



truesub4u -> RE: Thank You, Just the Same... (2/8/2006 10:02:13 AM)

Mercnbeth,

Nice to see you back, haven't seen you for awhile.

I just read your OP here. And I like the well written remarks... and questions.

Not going to break it all down and go through each part. Just to say... and you know this to be true on my part.

I sometimes get the answers I seek... from the questions I've asked. Unforunately I sometimes ask the questions wrong and have gotten frustrated by some of the responses. And through a few more postings.. responses.. frustrations.. I finally get the answers i've sought out because someone else has take the time to read all and see where I screwed up and bring it out in the open. Such as you.... yourself.. have done for me in the past. I was greatfully appreciative for that too.

I think when others respond.. with past or present personal experiances.. it helps me find my answer more. Instead of those that post with only their thoughts and or ideas on said subject. but don't get me wrong... it's still great reading... and yes still yet informative at times.

As far as answering anothers... I try to make sure (now more so because of past blasting from others)... to state how I myself feel... or been through.. than adding the proverbual "we" or "us". Because though I still may be only talking of myself... and our circle.. others feel I speak for them when i didn't. So after awhile on here at CM.. i've learned to watch my wording more carefully...

Again.. great post



RiotGirl -> RE: Thank You, Just the Same... (2/8/2006 1:13:50 PM)

quote:

this slave's question is twofold:
for those of you who ask questions---are you getting what you are seeking when folks respond with these absolutes? would it make a difference if folks responded with their own personal experiences instead of gross generalities about people and relationships they have never met or communicated with?


Well i cant answer the second question cos i have no clue how i answer questions. But this i can answer becuase i've asked alot. For your first question.. do you get what you are seeking when folks give these absolutes? NO way shape or form. The gross generalizations have actually put me off alot when it comes to asking questions in trying to seek my way. Though every now and then i slip up and ask a question and later want to shoot myself for it. LOL Usually tho, i try and compile the generalizations in my head and then evaulate it in regard to my life. Keeping in the back of my mind that they really havent a clue as to the whole picture. Usually tho the vast majority of responses to do not help as the generalization is wrong. Like the terms abuse. As well they dont know his thoughts - which matter alot to me when it comes to finding a workable answer.

What does help and HAS helped is those that usually come to me later with their own personal experiences. Those that do understand the question and can speak from lifes experiences about how they went around solving the riddle. So to speak. Personally, i feel that if you havent been there there is no way you are going to know the way "out of there". So in answer to your question, the people that i generally, actually listen to are those that have already been where i am coming from.

Thats not saying one doesnt appreciate the support because it always helps to know you are not alone with your problems.

And sitting here writing this i realise i do answer questions. LOL And i think the reason why folks generalize is because they "judge it like they see it" But personally i do recall that when i answer questions i usually mention my own experience. LOL i think i do that alot actually. i use my experiences to base my answers. That is how i "know" things. Is from having already been there and done that and solved the riddle of it. And why would what i say matter at all, if i havent any experience, personal experience dealing with it?

For Example : why would i tell some one how to use a whip if i've never actually used one? My answer would be close to meaningless and not at all intelligent to follow for the one who wanted to wield the whip.

Like the sorely miss used word abuse. Most that use it and throw it around, have never been there personally. They have no clue what its like, what it means its just something easy to label. i have yet to see one person whose actually been in a circumstance like that.. use the word. (because they know wht it actually means)



IrishMist -> RE: Thank You, Just the Same... (2/8/2006 4:12:27 PM)

quote:

for those of you who ask questions---are you getting what you are seeking when folks respond with these absolutes? would it make a difference if folks responded with their own personal experiences instead of gross generalities about people and relationships they have never met or communicated with?


Yes, I am getting what I wanted when someone answers with either an absolute or with an example of their own personal experience. Personal experience answers are always better, but neither do I discount the 'view' of someone just because they have yet to experience something. They still have an opinion on it, it has just not yet been put to the test.

quote:

for those who answer questions in such a way---how did you come to such enlightenment that you could know and unequivocally state that everyone feels, thinks or behaves just the same within themselves and in their intimate relationships


I try not to make generalized sweeping comments. I always try to let it be known that I speak only from my own PoV and no one elses. And no, I do not, and never will, expect someone to agree with me totally. Only because no one's experience is ever going to be the same as the next persons.



Crazytwice -> RE: Thank You, Just the Same... (2/8/2006 6:01:50 PM)

Personal experiences of course are always better than gross generalities.
This board doesnt always support the sharing of personal experience, sometimes I think it's viewed by others as a way to toot our own horn.
Unfortunately, the more intellectual and detached one can make rhetoric sound, the more respect thay gain. Go figure.



Crazytwice -> RE: Thank You, Just the Same... (2/8/2006 6:04:54 PM)

Oh, and one more thing...

The best writing comes from what we have seen, known, touched and felt. Everything else is just fiction.



seaturtle50 -> RE: Thank You, Just the Same... (2/8/2006 6:22:59 PM)

quote:

While I rarely will state such things, for me it is simply an understanding of history, psychology, personal experience, intuition and more.

And for me when I do say things like "Everyone goes through sub frenzy" I'm not suggesting that people are lying if they come up with "Well not me" but am rather saying "Sub frenzy is a nearly universal experience for people to have."

For example saying "All women go through periods as they grow up" is not universal. Some women don't get periods until they are much older due to physical issues. And certainly no woman experiences their period in the same way.

However, to say a universal comforting platitude like that is more for the purpose of inclusion and establishing a connected bond- not to eliminate possibilities.

Not to mention, a majority of the time someone on a slave discussion pipes up to say "Not me!" is often as a way to somehow suggest they are "slavelier than thou."


LA - "Everytime" i read one of your posts i feel like i've just has sex. Good sex!

st50



fergus -> RE: Thank You, Just the Same... (2/8/2006 6:33:04 PM)

Very good points, and a very good discussion.

Words, labels, questions.

These things are not absolutes. But they are needed, as we are social creatures who thrive on verbal communication.

OF COURSE they are not absolutes. And anyone that treats them as such are missing the point. Words communicate concepts, and very imperfectly I might add.

Yet, it is all we have (mostly). And what a wonderfully artful form of expression language is. It shapes our thinking, and our thinking shapes the language.

So why ask? Because the importance is not in the black and white answers, but in the thought process a person puts into them ... and each WORD could lead to infinate discussion, or perhaps quiet respect.

fergus



harmony3709 -> RE: Thank You, Just the Same... (2/8/2006 7:12:39 PM)

Good post and good responses so far. I haven't been able to read the CM boards as much I would like lately, so my answer is based on my overall history of reading and posting here.

I think the very topic itself brings to light not just the differences between people as human beings, lifestyle or vanilla or whatever, but the difference in the way we interpret words that have been written and posted on a message board, without the benefit of hearing the tone of voice, seeing body language or facial expression, etc.

As far as answers I have read by others, I will admit to occasionally reading what I interpret to be a generalization and usually am quick to jump on that, if only in my own mind as I am reading it, and certainly and absolutely agree that to make broad sweeping generalizations is usually out of line. However, as pointed out by LA, some generalizations are meant to be just that -- in general. And as the example she used pointed out, sometimes that specific generalization is justified.

However, overall, my feeling of what I have read here tends to be more of relating personal experiences or personal opinions as opposed to sweeping general statements, and often the use of the word "some" or "most" or other words implying that the poster is not necessarily stating every single [person in that position] IS or FEELS that same exact way. And relaying your own personal experience can be taken as opinon that should cover everyone, instead of what it was -- one person's own individual experience.

In other words, interpretation of the words written can vary quite a bit from reader to reader.

I have found many posts to be helpful to me, or at least given me something to think about -- as this OP and replies did.

I have also found many that I chose to just ignore, including those that would give what I interpret as a broad, sweeping generalization that I felt was out of line.

Blessed be,
Harmony, proud slave of Pyro



Sensualips -> RE: Thank You, Just the Same... (2/8/2006 7:59:58 PM)

quote:

for those of you who ask questions---are you getting what you are seeking when folks respond with these absolutes? would it make a difference if folks responded with their own personal experiences instead of gross generalities about people and relationships they have never met or communicated with?


I always prefer personal experiences and often try to apply questions to my own experiences as well. Sometimes I feel like that is rather self centered of me -- but I am okay with that. :) I don't mind the gross generalities as I usually just skim over them to get to the good stuff.

quote:

for those who answer questions in such a way---how did you come to such enlightenment that you could know and unequivocally state that everyone feels, thinks or behaves just the same within themselves and in their intimate relationships?


I don't think I have a habit of doing this. If I do, then I am appalled at myself and will no longer read my own postings.



Cloudz -> RE: Thank You, Just the Same... (2/8/2006 8:20:05 PM)

I would agree that the effectiveness of the communication varies. I would hope that nothing written, by myself or anyone else....would be accepted as the only way. I think typed words can be interpreted far differently than intended. I would say for the most part, people here are kind and thoughtful in their answers...sometimes more so than the original post.

Just my thoughts,



Mercnbeth -> RE: Thank You, Just the Same... (2/9/2006 8:47:43 AM)

thanks everyone for the great responses!!!!

this slave wishes that recognizing and celebrating diversity here leads to positive growth for the individuals who come--asking or answering-- for themselves and the others in their relationships and circles. a lofty ideal?? perhaps, but definitely not an impossibility!!



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