dont know how to get over it (Full Version)

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chocomotive -> dont know how to get over it (5/28/2009 2:21:31 PM)

a year ago my Dom who i see once a week stopped doing the D's and turned a bit kinky vanilla.  i dont know why.  i think he used to hypnotise me or something, i dont know what it was exactly.  often i would forget what he told me and do the things he had asked me without realising he had asked me to do it.  often i would remember he had asked me but not until after i had done it... does anyone know why this was?.  All of a sudden he stopped doing it and i dropped really badly but he wouldnt help me.

i still see him now but he wont discuss it or go back to how we were or back to a D's or talk to me the way he did... i dont know why he wont, he wont tell me.  But, even a year on i cant stop yearning for it.  i feel pathetic and weak and hopimg and waiting he is going to 'talk' to me again.  i hate myself for wanting and longing for it so much and wish i was stronger.  Several years agos i left my abusive vanilla husband under much fear and i cant understand for the life of me why i was brave enough to do that but sit in tears sometimes waiting for the day he might talk to me again but i tell him how i feel and it never happens.

i just hate myself for feeling like this and think that after a year i should be feeling stronger by now.  i have always thought i was a strong person in spirit and i feel ashamed this has got to me so much

with love all xx



califsue -> RE: dont know how to get over it (5/28/2009 2:34:12 PM)

It sounds to me like the relationship is not working for you and you are wanting to get the D/s back. If your partner/Dom is not willing to then
you have to make some tough decisions. It is hard to walk away from someone and something that was. You have to find the strength inside
you to tell him it is over. What is it that you gain by still seeing him? It is scary to walk away from what we know. However, the change and
the strength have to come from inside you and making the decision as to what is acceptable for you.



Fitznicely -> RE: dont know how to get over it (5/28/2009 3:05:36 PM)

I know of a technique...halfway between hypnotism and relaxation technique where you're led, simply by the power of persuasion, to do whatever it is the Dom wants.

I've experienced it, slightly, once and I'm still trying to work out how the hell it worked...

The person who showed me had been introduced to it online, and had the same feelings you're describing - a trance-like state, inexplicable service, craving to repeat the experience.

The reason she moved away from this person was because of the one-track nature of the relationship. It's all they would do.

I can understand how it could be very easy to lose the sense of "self" if this carried on for too long. I understand the craving, I understand that it's addictive, but for your own sake, please try and move on from this person who sees nothing morally questionable about stealing parts of your memory.



serisa -> RE: dont know how to get over it (5/28/2009 3:22:48 PM)

its



chocomotive -> RE: dont know how to get over it (5/28/2009 3:34:00 PM)

yes you are right in all you say and explain it.  there would also be no punishment if i forgot to do something because the whole of the D's aspect of the relationship would happen when i was 'under',  this included rules and things to do etc...  most of time i wouldnt realise i had been asked to do it until after i had done it.  Yes, you are right in that it is highly addictive.  After one year i wish i could get it out my system.  i dont even know if moving on to another Dominant would be the answer because i am aware this is not usually the way things are done and i am frightened the need would still be there...  but no one else can 'do it'.  i just wish this need could go away.

thank you



NihilusZero -> RE: dont know how to get over it (5/28/2009 4:12:06 PM)

One word: "closure". The entire situation has left you without any and without a springboard from which to feel you can confidently move forward. Find out how to get it.



Joseff -> RE: dont know how to get over it (5/28/2009 4:15:28 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: chocomotive

i dont even know if moving on to another Dominant would be the answer because i am aware this is not usually the way things are done and i am frightened the need would still be there...  but no one else can 'do it'.  i just wish this need could go away.

thank you


Sounds to me like he's not doing it for you anyway. Actually, it sounds like he has been very dishonest to you, first by using this technique on you without your knowledge or consent, then by refusing to tell you just what it is he has done to you. I strongly suggest you get far away from him, for this reason alone.



DavanKael -> RE: dont know how to get over it (5/28/2009 4:21:38 PM)

Were it with your consent, I would think it sounded awesome. 
As it was not, it's rather a profound degradation and pit of dishonesty. 
We sometimes crave people who are not good for us. 
Keep on living, know yourself, work on making the healthiest choices that you can. 
It isn't easy. 
Best wishes,
  Davan



DarkSteven -> RE: dont know how to get over it (5/28/2009 4:52:59 PM)

I'm sorry, but the relationship you yearn for is gone, and the one man who can bring it back won't.

This relationship is better for you than your abusive marriage, but it's not feeding you the way it should.

Grieve for it, make peace, and move on.



DesFIP -> RE: dont know how to get over it (5/28/2009 5:31:07 PM)

You moved from a relationship with a man who was physically abusive to a relationship with a man who is emotionally abusive. Doing this to you without consent was wrong. Refusing to tell you if things really happened or not or if you're losing your mind is emotionally abusive. Not being willing to talk to you about things nor be willing to do things you find fulfilling or otherwise turn you loose to have a relationship with someone who wants you to be happy is emotionally abusive.

Don't go looking for another dom. Do end the relationship and get help for your pattern of picking partners who are unhealthy for you.



candisa -> RE: dont know how to get over it (5/28/2009 5:52:08 PM)

Over on the other side of CM, There is a Dom who has asked me
repeatedly if I would be interested in hypnosis, telling me how much I would enjoy it, if I just gave it a chance. After reading your post here, I am so glad I have said no, no and no. Perhaps it is like a drug, once you use it, you only want it more and more. Thanks for sharing your story, I am very sorry you are having such a hard time moving on and letting it go. It also seems like the Dom you had could have had a lil more compassion towards your feeling and dropping like you did. One day at a time, wishing you a better and healthier future.



serisa -> RE: dont know how to get over it (5/28/2009 7:02:07 PM)

thank you for your support.  yes i think anyone should think carefully before entering into a relationship of this sort.  it is not only addictive but dangerous for your mind too.  What happened with me is that anything you are told 'in that space' will not be talked about 'out of that space' and denied full stop.  i cant say if all Doms that do this would work like that but trust me i think i have come that close to this being dangerous mentally. I think that anyone of not such a strong mind would have gone under by now in a pretty severe way.



Huntertn -> RE: don't know how to get over it (5/28/2009 7:20:15 PM)

Dam...I want willingness...not blind unfeeling service.How can you choose if you don't even know if you have or have not?  I'd want you to know it was your own choice..not just some trick to have my own way...Huntertn
ps. good luck



ChasingOblivion -> RE: don't know how to get over it (5/28/2009 9:43:32 PM)

I understand all too well what you are going through, and have been in a similar situation myself.
Despite the fact that your mind was manipulated without your knowledge or consent, those times provided you with an escape from your reality. It was that mental escape from the reality of your abusive marriage that most likely gave you the courage to leave, and the fear of loneliness and an uncertain future is what is causing you to crave that escape now.
Do not become involved with this man again. What he did was a breach of trust, and your response to it is like that of a drug addict needing a fix. Our personal realities can be overwhelming, and too many people are seduced into using drugs, alcohol, and destructive relationships as an escape.
There are healthy ways to achieve that same feeling. Yoga, meditation, self-hypnosis, and creative visualization are only a few of them. As someone who has been where you're at, I strongly advise that you find a competent therapist, and/or a support group for women who have survived domestic violence, and get to the root of why you find yourself attracted to men that treat you badly. Until you can figure that out, in my opinion, you don't need to be looking for any new relationships.



KateyCaine -> RE: don't know how to get over it (5/28/2009 10:39:46 PM)

Sweetheart, I understand exactly how you are feeling right now.

Eleven years ago, I was in, I guess what you could call a D/s relationship with a man that I met shortly after my mother died. I was 20, and very naive and innocent. This man introduced me to the whole concept of BDSM. Or rather, what I understood to be BDSM. He was twelve years older than me and had an extensive experience in the BDSM community, so of course I trusted him implicitly as I was so young and wanting to be loved.

He regularly went too far, nothing was negotiated at the start, and there was absolutely NO aftercare - he didn't show any tenderness afterwards whatsoever. I was constantly put down, criticised about aspects of my shape, breast sie, the way I dressed, whether I was shaven or not basically everything about me; and compared to other women. I opened myself up to this man, allowed myself to feel very deeply for him, and I can see now, that he abused that trust by playing with my emotions and systematically tearing down my self eteem, leaving me with body image issues for many years after that. BDSM, to me, is an expression of love. This was certainly not that. I thought for a long time,that this is what BDSM was - cold, clinical and devoid of emotion.

After years of subsequent vanilla relationships, in an attempt to "make myself straight" (yeah, like that really works!) I started exploring elements of D/s and light BDSM with a long-term partner, who was very loving.You can only deny who you truly are for so long. After a while, we both realised who we truly were and what we needed - I am a true slave/submissive; and he is a natural born vanilla. In order for us to have a future, at least one of us would have had to live a lie and be something we weren't, and that's not being authentic.

A man who was my dearest friend and rock for 10 months last year, who lives in the US, and is a true Master, asked me a question that made me stop lying to myself. The epiphany and flash of realisng that I am a true slave was sudden, like a light bulb, but actually dealing with who I am and being at peace with me, that's a long process. Once you go down that particular corridor, there really is no turning back.We are now in a loving, commited D/s relationship - he makes me feel so accepted and loved truly for who I am. I have never had this before, and for a while, believed that if I were to be in a D/s relationship, I would have to live without love, support and guidance. How wrong I was. All the bad stuff eleven years ago - he has listened to me, let me cry and walked with me through it all. That is how it should be.

Don't die an old lady with regrets - have this conversation with your Dom. Be true to who you are. You're worth it.

Katey xx



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