RE: Mixed Signals

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IndigoDadesi -> RE: Mixed Signals (2/8/2006 9:15:29 PM)
Yea, if he really wants to keep you.... In my experience, the "my way or the Highway" card works, but only for a while...eventually it'll come down to what he wants and what you want.

seaturtle50 -> RE: Mixed Signals (2/8/2006 9:33:51 PM)
quote: Funny, most vanilla relationships are like this. It is amazing how many masks we all tend to wear in the beginning of any relationship, then slowly those masks fall off. The trick is, if you can still be in love with the person he ends up being, then you have a chance at life long commitment. Shame some cant show the ugliness right off the bat and save alot of time and wasted years on him. Cynical I know. Greets MistressOfGa, First, may i say that i have found each and every post of Your that i have seen to date to be spot on! In this one case, i would also like to offer that it is not always "masks" that are employed to hide ones true nature. Often in the beginning, that "best behavior" is the result of the feelings of being smitten, of "falling in love" (arguably many confuse many different feelings for "falling in love - that’s another post though). This one has been super quite attentive in the past, early on, only to become just as frustrated at the loss of that level of passion, as my Lady when things normalized. Once the mystery was out and the day to day was in. And, this “taking for granted” attitude was often reciprocated. i don't know the solution to this ... but am hoping from a male perspective that it is found in some form of Femdom, D/s, and/or M/s. i am trying to "do my part" by “suiting up and showing up" [8\|] st50

Evanesce -> RE: Mixed Signals (2/8/2006 9:56:48 PM)
quote: And then he say "more kink" so I throw on extra kink...then he says "more lifestyle stuff" and Im utterly confused by this...so he says "more fun" and I fall on my face totally exausted and dizzy. I am afraid that he is infact in "Do-me" mode. That would be too bad because one of the things that drew me to the...er...lifestyle was being pamper. I L-O-V-E, love being pamper. And he never complained about pampering me at the beginning of our relationship....infact he was somewhat proactive about it. What does he mean by "lifestyle stuff?" What does he mean by "kink?" Is he expecting you to stand over him every minute with a riding crop while he does the dusting in a pink maid's uniform? What is it that he really expects from you? Another thing: If he tells you he wants you to be in charge, then he needs to accept that you ARE in charge, and that whining and complaining about how you choose to accomplish your goals are not an acceptable form of communication. From the limited information we've been given, it sounds to me like, as others have said, he's very much a do-me kind of guy. In my experience, do-me slaves are a whole lot more work than they're worth, and your Lord Pushibottom needs a wake-up call if he really wants to be your submissive.

stef -> RE: Mixed Signals (2/8/2006 9:59:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: michaelGA i was finally able to attend a munch tonight, i had a good time and it was great. even gf had a good time too Holy shit! Is this one of the signs of the apocalypse? Good first step michael, keep it up! ~stef

BehindClosedDoor -> RE: Mixed Signals (2/8/2006 10:01:04 PM)
So what kind of wake up call are we talking about here? I like the suggestions so far, although some of them Ive tried already to no avail. I would appreciate any advise that can be given. I'd like to try a few more things before I give up I guess.

brightspot -> RE: Mixed Signals (2/8/2006 11:06:44 PM)
quote: i was finally able to attend a munch tonight, i had a good time and it was great. even gf had a good time too Yay Michael!!!....Too cool, hope you got a hook up for the next time[;)]. *Brightspot

BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Mixed Signals (2/9/2006 12:15:46 AM)
quote: If it doesn't work tell him flat out, "It's my way or the HIGHWAY". lol- Ok, let me back up a bit. It’s hard to take a vanilla relationship that has history into a lifestyle D/s relationship, especially female domination. It contradicts so much of what he already knows and although his dick gets hard over kinky bedroom submission, it doesn’t sound like he’s submissive. He may never dial into the mindset you want/need and honestly do you want to always feel like you have to motivate him to please you? I love and agree with this advice, but this can only be done if you BehindClosedDoor are ready to go that far with an ultimatum. There's no reason you can't have a good top/bottom relationship if you two are compatible and love one another. To me he doesn't sound like a submissive; he sounds like he wants you to play a role and give it to him exactly so! There's nothing wrong with that except it's not submitting to you. He should just tell you "if you dressed like this, and said whatever [insert fantasy], I'd be a lot more into this. You can decide if you want to play these roles with him, especially since he has slowed down courting/doing sweet things for/to you. I'd also suggest reading a short but really good book "The Good Girl's guide to Female Dominance" by Lorelei" as it has some great information, including control/power struggle issues after play. Good luck, M

UtahGoddess -> RE: Mixed Signals (2/9/2006 3:36:54 AM)
Hello all... I am going to take a different position from previous posters. Being as you have had a pre existing vanilla relationship, perhaps the problem lies in changing the way you address each other or the way you make your needs known. Some new Dommes are reluctant to state what they want. Instead they can become timid in their request. "Honey, will you draw me a bath?" does not have the same impact of "Boy, go and draw my bath like a good sub." This also adds the D/s element to a vanilla task. Also I would suggest he refer to you only as Misstress, Ma'am, Goddess (or whatever Domme title you request). It may sound simple, but where the mind goes the body follows. Get him used to thinking of you as his Domme, vs his vanilla counterpart. Though all subs/slaves need to be rewarded from time to time with things they enjoy, sometimes they only need to be appreciated for the service they give. Acknowledge and appreciate the service he gives you with "You are such a good, boy" "Thank you, boy" etc. Also with new submissive males they sometimes have difficulty seeing past their penises. (LOL) They are aware of what they want, but lack the understanding of the work it takes to get that. It is up to you to help make that connection. Give him tasks to do for you and when you are satisfied, reward him in the way he enjoys most. Pretty soon he will get the connection between doing what you want gets him what he wants. On another note, many new Dommes have their confidence shaken during play by subs who direct as opposed to submit. It is difficult to "get in the mood" if your partner is spouting off directions. Blidfold him....gag him...and have fun experimenting with what you want to try. In the end he will be happier because you will really be in control and you will gain confidence in your ability to dominate. Just a few suggestions Ms Sandi

ShiftedJewel -> RE: Mixed Signals (2/9/2006 6:33:50 AM)
quote: Some new Dommes are reluctant to state what they want. Instead they can become timid in their request. "Honey, will you draw me a bath?" does not have the same impact of "Boy, go and draw my bath like a good sub." This also adds the D/s element to a vanilla task. I couldn't agree more, everyone has different ways to get into the mindset, maybe he needs that "shock" to his system to put him there. Especially when going from 'nilla to D/s. Or maybe something as simple as putting a collar around his neck for play will help... try new things that will help both of you find that mental place where the roles are most comfortable. Who knows, maybe that's what he means by "not lifestyle enough". quote: On another note, many new Dommes have their confidence shaken during play by subs who direct as opposed to submit. It is difficult to "get in the mood" if your partner is spouting off directions. Blidfold him....gag him...and have fun experimenting with what you want to try. In the end he will be happier because you will really be in control and you will gain confidence in your ability to dominate. I think the only thing missing from this statement is "can I get an amen?!" Amen Sandi Jewel

DiannaVesta -> RE: Mixed Signals (2/9/2006 7:59:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig To me he doesn't sound like a submissive; he sounds like he wants you to play a role and give it to him exactly so! There's nothing wrong with that except it's not submitting to you. He should just tell you "if you dressed like this, and said whatever [insert fantasy], I'd be a lot more into this. You can decide if you want to play these roles with him, especially since he has slowed down courting/doing sweet things for/to you. I'd also suggest reading a short but really good book "The Good Girl's guide to Female Dominance" by Lorelei" as it has some great information, including control/power struggle issues after play. Good luck, M It would be a very cold day in hell that I would accept such a thing. It's not even ok if you're vanilla unless you allow yourself to be sexually manipulated. If a woman pleases her man because it gives her pleasure that one thing. Still, it seems to me that Ms Behindcloseddoor has a true dominant seed longing to be nurtured or she wouldn’t be here in the first place. The boy needs to shit or get off the pot. In case like these extreme measures are incorporated & if they don’t work you reevaluate the relationship. Maybe I sound like a hardcore man hating fem supremacist. I admit I am a hardcore, old damn school femdom but I don’t hate men. What I hate is some of their character traits that have NOTHING to do with being a man in the first place. It’s called selfishness, senselessness and testosterone. That’s why they call it TRAINING. Lol- damn right! I believe that a good Mistress rips down the old foundation and builds a new one that is much more fulfilling for everyone involved. Inside the submissive male is a diamond ready to be chiseled by a strict loving woman. I have an article I wrote a long time ago that is also kind of cute: http://www.diannavesta.com/gooddog.htm It explains the differences between dogs and men! Enjoy! Dianna

MistressOfGa -> RE: Mixed Signals (2/9/2006 8:02:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: seaturtle50 Greets MistressOfGa, First, may i say that i have found each and every post of Your that i have seen to date to be spot on! In this one case, i would also like to offer that it is not always "masks" that are employed to hide ones true nature. Often in the beginning, that "best behavior" is the result of the feelings of being smitten, of "falling in love" (arguably many confuse many different feelings for "falling in love - that’s another post though). This one has been super quite attentive in the past, early on, only to become just as frustrated at the loss of that level of passion, as my Lady when things normalized. Once the mystery was out and the day to day was in. And, this “taking for granted” attitude was often reciprocated. i don't know the solution to this ... but am hoping from a male perspective that it is found in some form of Femdom, D/s, and/or M/s. i am trying to "do my part" by “suiting up and showing up" [8\|] st50 Thank you for the sweet compliment <s> For the record, I cant stand "normal". Nothing I dislike more than to have a wonderful new relationship and watch it fizzle because of the every day (Life) problems that arise. I spent to many years in a marriage like that. He treated me like I was his world, til he found out I was human, with human failings. Sitting up on a pedistool is not all that it is cracked up to be.

sting516 -> RE: Mixed Signals (2/9/2006 8:24:39 AM)
BehindClosedDoors, i'd guess the first question i'd ask of you is, how much do you want to be his Domme...do you just like the idea of bossing him around, or do you wish to truly and thoroughly dominate him. It sounds as though you like the idea of dominating him, but when he refuses to do something, you don't press the issue with him. What is the consequence to him of not doing something you request, or even not following your orders quickly enough. One of the things i've been guilty of in my past is testing the Domme, especially early in the relationship. This was done not because i didn't wish to follow Her, but because i needed to KNOW she was in charge, and it's important that she know it too...if i'm able to get away with not doing certain tasks that have been ordered, i feel i have the control in the relationship...choosing what tasks are ones i'll follow, and which aren't. i don't know your boy, but it's possible he's trying to test you to see that you do, in fact, have control. If you don't take control now, you'll almost certainly never have it. Best of luck finding your way. sting

veronicaofML -> RE: Mixed Signals (2/9/2006 9:24:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: michaelGA i was finally able to attend a munch tonight, i had a good time and it was great. even gf had a good time too WOOOHOOO michael! martinis for everyone! btw the new pic? way better. < Message edited by MHOO314 -- 2/8/2006 10:10:24 PM > ============= oh gawd can't resist "he likes it..hey mikey" sorry bro

veronicaofML -> RE: Mixed Signals (2/9/2006 9:26:20 AM)
He treated me like I was his world, til he found out I was human, ========== WHAT? Dommes are h u m a n..? aw jeez what will this world come to now? lol snicker giggle

BehindClosedDoor -> RE: Mixed Signals (2/9/2006 9:30:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig I'd also suggest reading a short but really good book "The Good Girl's guide to Female Dominance" by Lorelei" as it has some great information, including control/power struggle issues after play. Its funny you should mention this because I went out and bought it the same day I made the thread...its really good so far, although Im not sure about the "domestic dominance" thing...from what Ive read (online and in the book) I think Im more interested in leather...but we shall have to see.

MistressOfGa -> RE: Mixed Signals (2/9/2006 9:39:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: veronicaofML He treated me like I was his world, til he found out I was human, ========== WHAT? Dommes are h u m a n..? aw jeez what will this world come to now? lol snicker giggle Have I told you lately I adore you? lol

BehindClosedDoor -> RE: Mixed Signals (2/9/2006 10:00:21 AM)
WOW! Thanks for all the great suggestions. This is wonderful. I strangly feel alot better about the situation although nothing has actually been resolved. UtahGoddess: I really like the suggestions you've made about reconditioning his thinking. Although I have tried to go that direction in the past I think I need to be stricter to get the message across. And the "see past their penises" has a familiar ring to it...And the last bit about having my confidence shaken [:D] Perhaps it is a matter of getting back the upper hand? sting516: Thanks for the sub point of view. You may very well have something there, but I think there is more too it that I just cant place my finger on. What I mean is: I do stand up for my decisions and punish him for disobedience...and try to make sure I reward good behavior even if its just a "thank you, you did a good job." with a pat on the head. He rarely disobeys completely, but even after he is punished, even after I have established that I am infact in control he is still not satisfied. I think he even begudges doing things for me. DiannaVesta: You are spot on by saying "Ms Behindcloseddoor has a true dominant seed longing to be nurtured or she wouldn’t be here in the first place". If it were all about kinky sex Id just go to the store and pick up one of those $40 floggers that look like my 10 year old neice made them and a "bondage kit" and be done with it. But its not about that. I DO want "it all". I love your article as well. At this point Im almost thinking that a dog may be the way to go. I have a dog, hes very sweet and he doesnt argue or bitch and complain and he gets really excited whenever I feed him or take him for walks. But, on the other hand, it took me a long time to train him too when he was a pup and I practically had a clean slate to work with. I guess its the same for men.

veronicaofML -> RE: Mixed Signals (2/9/2006 10:31:16 AM)
BehindClosedDoor; ================ yo'kay subs/slaves mind set i doubt i am of any use here--but i'll try MY mindset/...though i use the WORDS mistress and ma'am and all. i still refer to it as just -a-word. i am more vanilla than else. i call Her pet names like hey red...(coz she got red hair) and i say things like ya ole poobear and whatnot ah yer an old poo and yeah yeah typical redhead.. a lot of casual convo oh yeah sure i kneel down and kiss Her feet when i greet Her...and i massage Her feet and back there is very very very little s/m ever done here there is just no-call-for-it actually. i am service only...a glorified houseboy..i am more life companion than i am Her-boy. as to begrudging You...by the boy? there ARE those many times She calls to me when i am 3 rooms away and it is ALWAYS when i am busy and have to drop whatever i am doing to come find out what She hollered for... so it gets a bit nerve racking here.. having yelling matches through the house 3 rooms away.. it'd be different if She was semi close by... i get Her daily lunches ready for Her...including setting up the coffeepot the night before.. i do all my house work alone, w/o supervision coz i am HERE alone 99% of the time. i see Her maybe a 3 or 4 hrs a day...during the week. and THEN She is on the computer talking to other-boys---looking for new ones to bring in here.. i do not know exactly what ills You are having... but IF an old man,..can help You..lemme know?

BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Mixed Signals (2/9/2006 1:05:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig To me he doesn't sound like a submissive; he sounds like he wants you to play a role and give it to him exactly so! There's nothing wrong with that except it's not submitting to you. He should just tell you "if you dressed like this, and said whatever [insert fantasy], I'd be a lot more into this. You can decide if you want to play these roles with him, especially since he has slowed down courting/doing sweet things for/to you. I'd also suggest reading a short but really good book "The Good Girl's guide to Female Dominance" by Lorelei" as it has some great information, including control/power struggle issues after play. Good luck, M It would be a very cold day in hell that I would accept such a thing. It's not even ok if you're vanilla unless you allow yourself to be sexually manipulated. If a woman pleases her man because it gives her pleasure that one thing. Still, it seems to me that Ms Behindcloseddoor has a true dominant seed longing to be nurtured or she wouldn’t be here in the first place. The boy needs to shit or get off the pot. In case like these extreme measures are incorporated & if they don’t work you reevaluate the relationship. Maybe I sound like a hardcore man hating fem supremacist. I admit I am a hardcore, old damn school femdom but I don’t hate men. What I hate is some of their character traits that have NOTHING to do with being a man in the first place. It’s called selfishness, senselessness and testosterone. That’s why they call it TRAINING. Lol- damn right! I believe that a good Mistress rips down the old foundation and builds a new one that is much more fulfilling for everyone involved. Inside the submissive male is a diamond ready to be chiseled by a strict loving woman I think you mistook my suggestion to BehindClosedDoor as something I would consider an acceptable alternative. I will date a vanilla gentleman as long as he is comfortable enough with his manhood to be kind, gentle, caring/considerate always (not simply with initial courting or when he has a hard on). I simply didn't want to say "lose the self centered bastard" since she might luuv him, than she'd come back saying "I'm depressed he left." The only time to give an ultimatum is when one is ready to live with the consequences no matter how painful. //Sad memories[:(] I'd like to say that from where I sit, you DiannaVesta are absolutely right and I don't disagree with a word in terms of your stance on what a man behaves like. Have loved your posts thus far, welcome to the boards. M P.S. Nice to see ShiftedJewel and UtahGoddess on the boards again.... Among the Dominas I've learned a lot from. [:D] M

DiannaVesta -> RE: Mixed Signals (2/9/2006 2:33:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig quote: ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig To me he doesn't sound like a submissive; he sounds like he wants you to play a role and give it to him exactly so! There's nothing wrong with that except it's not submitting to you. He should just tell you "if you dressed like this, and said whatever [insert fantasy], I'd be a lot more into this. You can decide if you want to play these roles with him, especially since he has slowed down courting/doing sweet things for/to you. I'd also suggest reading a short but really good book "The Good Girl's guide to Female Dominance" by Lorelei" as it has some great information, including control/power struggle issues after play. Good luck, M It would be a very cold day in hell that I would accept such a thing. It's not even ok if you're vanilla unless you allow yourself to be sexually manipulated. If a woman pleases her man because it gives her pleasure that one thing. Still, it seems to me that Ms Behindcloseddoor has a true dominant seed longing to be nurtured or she wouldn’t be here in the first place. The boy needs to shit or get off the pot. In case like these extreme measures are incorporated & if they don’t work you reevaluate the relationship. Maybe I sound like a hardcore man hating fem supremacist. I admit I am a hardcore, old damn school femdom but I don’t hate men. What I hate is some of their character traits that have NOTHING to do with being a man in the first place. It’s called selfishness, senselessness and testosterone. That’s why they call it TRAINING. Lol- damn right! I believe that a good Mistress rips down the old foundation and builds a new one that is much more fulfilling for everyone involved. Inside the submissive male is a diamond ready to be chiseled by a strict loving woman I think you mistook my suggestion to BehindClosedDoor as something I would consider an acceptable alternative. I will date a vanilla gentleman as long as he is comfortable enough with his manhood to be kind, gentle, caring/considerate always (not simply with initial courting or when he has a hard on). I simply didn't want to say "lose the self centered bastard" since she might luuv him, than she'd come back saying "I'm depressed he left." The only time to give an ultimatum is when one is ready to live with the consequences no matter how painful. //Sad memories[:(] I'd like to say that from where I sit, you DiannaVesta are absolutely right and I don't disagree with a word in terms of your stance on what a man behaves like. Have loved your posts thus far, welcome to the boards. M P.S. Nice to see ShiftedJewel and UtahGoddess on the boards again.... Among the Dominas I've learned a lot from. [:D] M I was looking for a dancing smiley to do a jig for you but not one here! lol- Thank you! I understand how behindclosed feels and the frustration welling inside of her. I wasn't really into men until I discovered SUBMISSIVE men. I have zero tolerance when it comes to that "do me" attitude. When I was still doing pro-sessions I charged these guys double on purpose. Sure they ranted and raved, called me unfair but I laughed and told them to pay it or find someone else.

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