quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

My initial thought...Is it possibly a self esteem issue? Do you feel that you are on equal footing with someone who is obviously "flawed"?

quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

My initial thought...Is it possibly a self esteem issue? Do you feel that you are on equal footing with someone who is obviously "flawed"?

I guess so, I know that I am a bit of a mess to be honest. I also like to feel useful though, like if someone has a problem then I can help otherwise I don't really feel like I can be much use to someone in a relationship.

quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

Now I think generally I give good advice but I have a real inability to follow it myself. I am aware of the fact that I am stuck in relationship patterns. I think there is a desperate need of mine to have someone love me, oh it is oh so conventional and despite how many times I tell people you do not need someone to love you to be worthwhile I can't seem to tell myself that.

Problem is that I meet someone, normally someone completely not good for me (drug addict, alcoholic, in a relationship whatever) and throw everything into that person. All my dreams and stuff, superficially they become everything to me but in reality I cant help but wonder if I pick these people knowing it wont work out.

So I do not really know how to self mediate, I do not know what is right for me, or what I should be doing. I have recently taken a break from D/s for many reasons, one being that its all a stage of self reflection for me.

I know this is rather personal and maybe doesnt even fit into this forum but I know that people here have a wealth of experience and maybe someone will say something that clicks in my mind who knows.

quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

Now I think generally I give good advice but I have a real inability to follow it myself. I am aware of the fact that I am stuck in relationship patterns. I think there is a desperate need of mine to have someone love me, oh it is oh so conventional and despite how many times I tell people you do not need someone to love you to be worthwhile I can't seem to tell myself that.

*snip

So I do not really know how to self mediate, I do not know what is right for me, or what I should be doing.

quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

Now I think generally I give good advice but I have a real inability to follow it myself. I am aware of the fact that I am stuck in relationship patterns. I think there is a desperate need of mine to have someone love me, oh it is oh so conventional and despite how many times I tell people you do not need someone to love you to be worthwhile I can't seem to tell myself that.

quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

Now I think generally I give good advice but I have a real inability to follow it myself. I am aware of the fact that I am stuck in relationship patterns. I think there is a desperate need of mine to have someone love me, oh it is oh so conventional and despite how many times I tell people you do not need someone to love you to be worthwhile I can't seem to tell myself that.

I wouldn't advise anyone to *do* what I do either.... that's because I *know* me ,*control* me and am prepared live with the consequences (or at least can't escape them)..lol. I'd have loved to have had your insight at your age. One of my sons is 5 yrs younger than you, is amazingly mature, can give wonderful advice to all of his friends, knows what is helpful, knows what isn't and STILL gets into the SAME situations himself!

Problem is that I meet someone, normally someone completely not good for me (drug addict, alcoholic, in a relationship whatever) and throw everything into that person. All my dreams and stuff, superficially they become everything to me but in reality I cant help but wonder if I pick these people knowing it wont work out.

Maybe you DO pick them, but you've got ages to work that out. It's far more bothersome when you're 50yrs and haven't got that far.

So I do not really know how to self mediate, I do not know what is right for me, or what I should be doing. I have recently taken a break from D/s for many reasons, one being that its all a stage of self reflection for me.

I have a diary that I kept for an entire year in 1977....it makes PAINFUL reading! It's a full *page a day* ...all my thoughts and feelings at age 20yrs......30yrs ago! If I peek inside I want to go back and help the *self* I was. When I read it, I alternate between wanting to slap myself silly and cry at how bloody clueless, yet earnest I was. Also, reading back, I can see all of the times I was fooling myself. I'm cringing just thinking about it!

I know this is rather personal and maybe doesnt even fit into this forum but I know that people here have a wealth of experience and maybe someone will say something that clicks in my mind who knows.

It's no consolation and no help.......but I was far more driven to *be* in a relationship when I was younger and they weren't always the *best ones*. I was far more consumed with wanting to be *loved* and wanting everything that went along with it. I can only stand back and make slightly better choices because I crashed my way around some pretty crazy situations in my past.

It's easy to be smug when you've been there, done it, pro-created, dealt with all colours and blends of shite ........FAR too easy to forget how rubbishy you were yourself at doing the *right* thing.

That diary is a keen reminder for me,that I wasn't always as *clever* as I am nowadays. And the reason I don't like reading it, is that it is a glaring reminder of that fact. Something has stopped me from burning the damn thing , and I think that's it.

quote:

I guess so, I know that I am a bit of a mess to be honest. I also like to feel useful though, like if someone has a problem then I can help otherwise I don't really feel like I can be much use to someone in a relationship.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Do you come from a family where the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally don't love you? Certainly they don't love you unconditionally? Because when we walk into a crowded room and zero in on the person there who would be the absolute worst for us, usually we are doing so because they feel familiar. Familiar here meaning feel like family, like you already know them. In these cases, you do know their traits because those who should have loved you act like them. Women with absent fathers find emotionally distant men, because they seek to replicate the original relationship. They want a man who will treat them as their father did, by not loving them. Of course if your mother was extremely unhealthy, you could just as easily be responding to someone who acts like her. If she favored your sibling, you might find yourself with a man who always says other women are better/prettier/smarter than you - just like mom did.

The way out of this usually requires professional help. A good self help group such as ACOA can also be enormously helpful. As can reading self help books till you find one that resonates with you. In the meantime, write down two lists. One being good traits that would be good to have in a partner and the other being bad traits you don't want to see in a partner.

Then compare the people you meet to those two lists. Do this with everyone you know so you get accustomed to seeing good and bad traits. And distrust chemistry because you know the men you feel enormous chemistry with aren't men you ought to be with.