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Negative emotions, D/s, and play - 6/1/2009 8:55:21 AM

Andalusite

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This is a spin-off of http://www.collarchat.com/m_2635281/mpage_1/tm.htm since I didn't want to respond there, as that particular person clearly has anger management issues.

In the past, though, I've played with people when they were upset, angry, frustrated, etc. and it has been a very positive experience that was rather cathartic for both of us. I don't usually play when I'm in one of those moods, as I generally don't much feel up for it until I'm feeling better. When my partner has had a bad day, for reasons that have nothing to do with me, isn't enraged, or out of control, giving him a massage, a blowjob, and playing with him usually helps him get in a much better mood, regardless of his BDSM orientation! Sometimes, especially if it's something more serious, he just wants to cuddle and talk first, or he wants to "cave" and get some time alone, and of course, the details vary depending on the person and the exact situation. In general, I want my partner to feel safe expressing what he is feeling to me, being a bit emotionally raw and vulnerable, and helping him find surcease. Usually, after he's feeling better, he's more inclined to go ahead and discuss whatever it was, and think things through more clearly.

I specifically prefer to date men who don't get violent or yell or otherwise out of control, even when they aren't happy, though - I like guys who are fairly low drama. If they were mad frequently, I'd be more concerned. They might need to do something (change jobs? get therapy?) to address it, or I'd decide that we weren't compatible. It seems though like a lot of people expect Dominants, especially men, to be almost robotic, and perfectly in control of their emotions. To me, there's a huge difference between someone getting angry during an argument (which rarely happens anyway) and hitting me unconsensually, and hitting me while they're angry or upset at someone or something else, in a consensual way. Besides, once it gets to the point where there's thwacking going on, usually there isn't smoke coming out of their ears anymore, anyway, but the mood is a bit different from when we've started from a different emotional place.

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RE: Negative emotions, D/s, and play - 6/1/2009 9:43:07 AM

oceanwinds

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Perhaps I might be a little dense here, but did you just start this thread to answer the other thread on anger? Was it just to give your opinion, but you couldnt do it in the other thread because you felt the original poster was not deserving of your answer?

Again, maybe your thread just went over my head. If it did my apologies.

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RE: Negative emotions, D/s, and play - 6/1/2009 10:50:06 AM

DavanKael

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I am not sure what your query is, so I'm just going to babble about a couple of things that came to mind.
If I trusted a person, I would play with them despite the mood and, yes, I believe that different moods can have differing impacts on the overall course of a situation.
I very much enjoy transmuting negative into positive. A recent experience that comes to mind was during my most recent relationship. We'd had a rather stressful week where the relationship was rather under attack and the physical expression of our being together rather as a energetic, physical, and spiritual middle finger to the onslaught (As well as a valid stress reliever) was pretty mind-rocking.
That having been said, I would be very concerned if people (Or a person) needed amped up circumstances to have physicality; I've seen a lot of people whose physical relationships have been largely founded on drama and that strikes me as a really pathological place from which to relate on a constant basis.
Davan

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RE: Negative emotions, D/s, and play - 6/1/2009 10:53:13 AM

CallaFirestormBW

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It sounded to me like Andalusite was commenting that her experience with dealing with negative emotions through venting it in BDSM activities has been a positive experience for her, and how and why it has worked in her situations. I can see why she didn't post this to the other thread, as it really doesn't give any practical advice for someone who is prone to outbursts and who can no longer use those when dealing with a servant for health/well-being reasons.

To comment on the OP:

For myself, I've also found it to be cathartic to have (and be) a servant who consented to provide a 'vent' for high-emotion situations. I've done this on both sides of the kneel, and, in both situations, found it cathartic and healing. Sometimes, when the emotions are running very high, it is difficult, with all those hormones rushing around, to be able to "think straight" about the situation. Having a means of "blowing off" some of that excess emotion in a controlled, consensual manner is something I've found helpful in getting -to- the consideration/discussion phase of dealing with the crisis/challenge. Tools like -vigorous- exercise work, but, provided everyone is on-board with it, so can a good flogging session or even a yelling-and-screaming session. I've found that it works best if the servant who agrees to participate in a 'therapeutic anger' session recognizes hirself in a role as a "surrogate" for the actually -source- of the anger/frustration/whatever... so that xhe knows, and it is reinforced, that anything that happens during that session is -not- about hir... and it does require some control, because when we are angry, sometimes letting that 'vent' open lets out some stuff that wasn't a big deal UNTIL everything piled up... and so, to me, it is critical that I stick to the 'surrogate' status, and NOT bring up stuff that is related to either the servant hirself or to other people/situations where the 'source-person' is not involved. This provides the security of giving -me- a healthy boundary, while still allowing me to express my frustration in a way that, for me, will eventually clear my head and allow me some space for rational consideration on how to manage the situation in the future so as to prevent a 'melt-down' of that scale.

I would also like to comment that our household doesn't limit therapeutic anger encounters to ONLY the Keepers. Our servants also have access to switches and compatriots in the household who are willing to provide a 'vent' for them. We also provide pillows, stuffed animals, and other tools (though I dearly miss having snowballs available!!) so that people who either can't find someone to help them vent or who are uncomfortable with having another person on the other end of the 'vent' have ways to release unproductive anger and frustration as well. We ask both Keepers and servants to protect the sanctity of this ritual in our household by using good anger-management skills until a safe, healthy 'vent' can be arranged.

Dame Calla

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RE: Negative emotions, D/s, and play - 6/1/2009 12:05:40 PM

oceanwinds

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Thanks Calla
My mind just went foggy and really didn't understand. I quit smoking today so running around with a fog head. Thanks for explaining.
oceanwinds

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RE: Negative emotions, D/s, and play - 6/1/2009 12:09:26 PM

breatheasone

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~~FR~~
i love the way mood can effect a "play session" One of the best Daddy and i have ever had was when He was "blowing off steam" from a particularly trying day

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RE: Negative emotions, D/s, and play - 6/1/2009 1:01:21 PM

DesFIP

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We come at it from a different viewpoint because play for us isn't pain, isn't S & M. It's bondage and sex. Now there are some people who can convert anger into sex, make up sex for an example but I'm not one. If there's anger, I am not aroused. So we don't play until we can deal with the negative emotions, get over the problem, and reconnect.

If he wants a blow job to make him feel better, I'm fine with that but I will not be aroused until after he's no longer angry and I'm no longer upset at him having been angry. Anger scares me and I don't do fear play, it doesn't work for me.

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RE: Negative emotions, D/s, and play - 6/1/2009 2:58:54 PM

littlewonder

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While I don't get involved with violent or angry people I don't have a problem with Master using me if he's had a hard day but then again he's not the type who gets angry. I can't even say I've ever seen him angry...frustrated, aggravated yes but never angry but I see his using me as a way to work through his day the same as I might want him to do certain things to me when I'm having a bad or hard day.

Bdsm can be cathartic for both sides.

But if you're a violent person who can't control how far he or she goes then bdsm is not the answer. Therapy is.

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RE: Negative emotions, D/s, and play - 6/2/2009 3:58:37 AM

StrangerThan

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We have what I sometimes refer to as fight nights. No rhyme or reason as to when they occur, but they're usually surrounded by tension. Maybe it's just the general bs that comes with life. Maybe that occasional need for something rough and raw. Maybe.. whatever reason but I can feel the need for one building. And yes, they're cathartic, clensing. For us, it's not so much an anger reduction activity. Neither of us is the type to go off into emotional extremes. Generally, if I'm pissed, I'm pissed and not looking to "play". I put that word in quotes for a reason as it is one I basically despise.

Call it more.. stress relief. Sometimes there's anger involved, and always a lot of physical exertion. Grin. Last time she bit the absolute fuck out of me and got in at least one good knee shot to the head. Both of us carried marks out of it and the rope work is usually done under stress, meaning she's not holding her hands out for it. I am often humiliating in the things I say and do to her during it. The pain is quite real and has nothing to do with floggers or paddles or whips. Yes, there are general rules. The intent is not to beat or maim the other. If there is an intent, it is to force her into a submissive stance. Getting there can take a while, including the chase, the capture, the fight, the sex. They can be totally exhausting too. Last time she spent the weekend sore, and in a general sub-drop type mood. Lots of reinforcement needed then, lots of attention, lots of that kind of treatment that releases the I'm-loved-and-cared-for hormones.

It works for us. Doesn't mean it works for anyone else and is driven by that negative energy buildup that life just sometimes carries. Not really about anger though.

No matter how much energy builds either way, those are off limits for a while now though. She's pregnant and just coming out of the sick phase. I used up a lot of my energy fetching drinks, vitamins, anti-nausea medicine lol.

< Message edited by StrangerThan -- 6/2/2009 4:10:09 AM >

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RE: Negative emotions, D/s, and play - 6/2/2009 6:58:23 PM

Andalusite

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Thanks, Calla, that's exactly what I meant by it. I was worried that posting it on the other thread might be misinterpreted as encouraging that particular person to engage in this type of play, when he's obviously not doing it in a positive way.

littlewonder, I agree that I wouldn't engage in this style of play with someone who got out of control or unconsensually violent! I prefer dating people who are pretty easygoing and low drama, but once in a while, everyone has a bad day! It's probably more accurate to call it "annoyed" or "aggravated" rather than outright angry, but it doesn't tend to be quite as tender as our usual scenes, and I try to actively focus on helping him de-stress. :)

DavenKael, On average, it's happened a couple of times a year, and certainly isn't required for us to scene! What you mentioned about transmuting the negative energy into positive really struck a chord with me.

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RE: Negative emotions, D/s, and play - 6/3/2009 7:30:23 AM

pompeii

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Reminds me of a signature I once read ... "never argue with a fool because he'll bring you down to his level ... and then he'll win the argument due to his experience".

In your case, don't drop to the negative emotions as it takes only one to bring the whole thing down to the worst level ... which the naysayers are very experienced at so anyone with positive tendencies will lose by joining forces with them.

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