lovingpet
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Joined: 6/19/2005
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Well now, if I haven't struggled with this issue on a rather colossal scale recently! The sad part is, it has been over the course of about a year now in a relationship that I would considere quite extraordinary and wonderful. Honesty and trust have been the huge factors in developing this particular relationship the way it has and to function at the levels of play we enjoy. I think part of it was that I got so wrapped up in trusting him and listening to his revelations without judgement, that I failed to realize that I was remaining quite closed. It was a shock to my senses and a blow to my ego to find out that my grasping had hurt him very deeply. I didn't even see what I was doing.
Part of it is that this is my first serious partner in this aspect of my life. I did a good job picking him and he did well waiting on me. The only problem comes with the new discoveries made along the way. I don't do well with them and just have to deny them. I can't let that be true, nor acknowledge someone else knowing me better than I know myself. How dare he be right!!!!! LOL! I realized with stunning clarity that I would openly admit to things to others that I still vehemently denied when discussing them with him. I laugh about this, but it was no laughing matter when I had to face what I was doing and knew how much damage it had done. I am working on fixing that now.
I also tend to want to be able to do a dissertation on what I am thinking or feeling before being willing to bring it to my partner. I must say that this has interfered frequently in our process. Only a rare few times did I ever just bring my mess to him and only because it was just so overwhelming that I didn't know how to handle it on my own. Otherwise, I have consistently said that I need more time in order to talk about this. I needed to sort out my feelings on the matter. I don't really know what I'm thinking, but when I do he would be the first to know. I pretty well see this for the game playing it really was. Once again, I'm working on it.
Trusting myself is another key issue. How often we hear, "Trust me," and that's the easy part. The hard part is deciding if we have really chosen well who to trust. It is a matter of having my standards for selection fail me repeatedly. What am I missing? What is the fatal flaw I am blind to and will come back to bite me eventually? In the back of my mind I know that such a "bite" will be far worse from a relationship such as this than anything I've known before because of the sheer level of vulnerability that is needed. Trusting myself to know when to put on the brakes is another part of this same issue. Will I just go and do something so completely outside of my accepted behavior? How will I respond to such a situation if it arises? Choosing a good partner should make this worry just disappear, but it doesn't. Once again, I am working on it.
Coming to terms with myself is another big issue. I find that I have trouble telling another person something about myself that I don't yet accept, understand, or know how to deal with. If it is that big and scary to me, then it just makes it extremely difficult to let it out. Wound around that is the whole fear of rejection thing, judgement, and more. It is funny how that works for me since my partners have darker things a part of them than any I have revealed, yet I did not find myself repulsed or running away. I actually found it all intriguing, much as they find mine when I will let them see the light of day. Insecurity is not a word I would normally use to describe myself, but I think that is exactly what vulerability actually is. It is letting people in so deep that they get to live among the parts of my world that utterly quake with my own fear and shame. I thought I was so good at this because there was nothing about myself I was so afraid or ashamed of. I was wrong. I have a journey ahead to bring this to peace.
I think that is really the crux of it though. It is the "I" that gets in the way. It is what I want to share, what I want to protect, what I am afraid of that impairs my ability to communicate at such an intimate level. Of course the kneejerk response isto give all the reasons why it is the "he" or the "she" that makes it so "I" can't share these certain things. In the end, if I can accept my own role and that the "he" or the "she" is doing what is possible with what the "I" is offering, then that begins to clear the way for the "we" to finally be able to grow closer. Self responsibility goes a long way in any relationship.
lovingpet
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How To Not Know Anything: the simplicity of non-communi... - 
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