Starting a relationship with a recently unowned slave

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DomPgan -> Starting a relationship with a recently unowned slave (6/4/2009 2:12:41 AM)
I want to start a relationship with a slave who was left by her master a few weeks ago. I like her very much and she has told me that he is very attracted to me. But she is very depressed about her breakup and she says her self-esteem has plummeted. (For example, she takes anti-depressants and talks negatively.) Should I talk to her abut my intentions (which she probably suspects)? Should I talk to her about her breakup? Or should I just flirt and wait? In the vanilla world, consoling someone after their breakup tends to make you their buddy, but in a D/s world maybe it actually helps if you give a slave the structure she needs and build up her confidence. I have read that doms "break down" their new slaves in order to build them up as they want them. Similarly, if talking about intentions is a weak position, that could ruin it for us. She was with her ex for 1 year, and has more than 5 years experience with the lifestyle, while I have no experience as a dom in a committed relationship with a slave. But the idea thrills me, and I am dominant in bed and generally dominant in relationships with women. I learned that she is a slave during a hot fling we had 2 years ago, a fling we both wanted to grow into a relationship but were not in a position to.

colouredin -> RE: Starting a relationship with a recently unowned slave (6/4/2009 3:21:18 AM)
Its tough without knowing her. But just because it is D/s does not mean that people do not go through the same emotions. Rebounds are rebounds are rebounds. After my more intense relationships any person that I was with were tainted with the aftermath making it impossible for me to untangle them and view them in their own right. A year is a fair old time and if she is younger it may have been through significant life events so it will take time to get over. If she is struggling then course you can be there for her but god knows what will happen from it, I wouldnt personally push the relationship angle if she is working through her emotions.

sirsholly -> RE: Starting a relationship with a recently unowned slave (6/4/2009 3:27:55 AM)
quote: In the vanilla world, consoling someone after their breakup tends to make you their buddy, but in a D/s world maybe it actually helps if you give a slave the structure she needs and build up her confidence. I have read that doms "break down" their new slaves in order to build them up as they want them. Similarly, if talking about intentions is a weak position, that could ruin it for us. I really think there is little to no difference between the vanilla and the D/s world when it comes to a broken heart. Her needs right now are personal and private and have nothing to do with you. Getting involved with her right now would be a huge mistake on both your parts. She does not need a new relationship. What she does need is time.

DesFIP -> RE: Starting a relationship with a recently unowned slave (6/4/2009 4:58:04 AM)
Starting as friends in any relationship is always the right thing to do. Become friends, be someone trustworthy, keep your word, be a safe place for her to go. Because saying you want a d/s relationship is a lot different than demonstrating the responsibility to have one. But let her heal first. If this is real, then keeping this to the level of friendship for now won't hurt anything. And if it turns out she doesn't feel anything for you when she isn't hurting so badly, or you aren't attracted to her when she's stronger, then neither of you will have any regrets for taking the high road. But pushing her for sex now, and then discovering you aren't compatible will only make her feel a lot worse, a lot more used and abused.

eyesopened -> RE: Starting a relationship with a recently unowned slave (6/4/2009 6:19:09 AM)
I could not disagree more that starting out as friends in any relationship is always the right thing to do. The words "any" and "always" bother me. However, in all things I do believe honesty to be the best policy. Why not state to her what you have told us? Your intentions, your feelings, your goals for the relationship should there be one, your concerns about her self-esteem, your ability to be a friends to start but wanting more? There is no difference between D/s relationships and vanilla when it comes to being a buddy. Is that what you are willing to be this time next year? My guess is probably not.

breatheasone -> RE: Starting a relationship with a recently unowned slave (6/4/2009 6:50:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DomPgan I want to start a relationship with a slave who was left by her master a few weeks ago. I like her very much and she has told me that he is very attracted to me. But she is very depressed about her breakup and she says her self-esteem has plummeted. (For example, she takes anti-depressants and talks negatively.) Should I talk to her abut my intentions (which she probably suspects)? Should I talk to her about her breakup? Or should I just flirt and wait? In the vanilla world, consoling someone after their breakup tends to make you their buddy, but in a D/s world maybe it actually helps if you give a slave the structure she needs and build up her confidence. I have read that doms "break down" their new slaves in order to build them up as they want them. Similarly, if talking about intentions is a weak position, that could ruin it for us. She was with her ex for 1 year, and has more than 5 years experience with the lifestyle, while I have no experience as a dom in a committed relationship with a slave. But the idea thrills me, and I am dominant in bed and generally dominant in relationships with women. I learned that she is a slave during a hot fling we had 2 years ago, a fling we both wanted to grow into a relationship but were not in a position to. i'm seriously not being an asshole here...This is a serious question. You mention being "I am dominant in bed and generally dominant in relationships with women." but how do you know that you want a D/s "relationship"? seriously ...its W-A-Y more than kinky sex.

chamberqueen -> RE: Starting a relationship with a recently unowned slave (6/4/2009 7:05:30 AM)
There is nothing wrong in showing interest and feeling the situation out. Be aware that she is no doubt grieving to some extent. You don't need to break a sub and build her back up. Some might feel that is the right approach but it really depends on the sub. She is already broken down. What she needs now more than anything is support. If you can show her unselfish support that will lead to her trusting you faster than anything else could. Having gone through a release myself I know I felt overwhelmed with thoughts of not being desirable, that giving my best wasn't good enough, etc. I started talking with another Master and realized that he didn't care about me personally but thought that he had found someone that might fit into the pattern of his lifelong dream. If you approached her that same way, not taking her feelings into consideration but only trying to force her into a pattern, she would no doubt take the same course I did and bolt. (Only after I ran from the situation did I realize that I was pushing myself to get back into things too soon.) If you enjoy her company, go ahead and explore what might be possible between the two of you if she is willing. This will be a time for your to show patience. Understand that she has been hurt and let her grieve because if she just tucks it away trying to please you it will take her much longer to get over it. Be prepared for the fact that she might just need the physical reassurance that she is still desirable. On the other hand, it could be the beginning to a very beautiful relationship. None of us knows when we start a new journey how long it will be or exactly where it will take us. The only thing we can know is whether we plan on traveling with integrity.

Lashra -> RE: Starting a relationship with a recently unowned slave (6/4/2009 7:44:09 AM)
quote: I want to start a relationship with a slave who was left by her master a few weeks ago. She will be on the rebound and this is NOT a good time to begin another relationship. This is coming from the voice of experience. Give her time to grieve and to work through her issues before even attempting a relationship beyond friendship. Then once she has her head on straight and can think clearly, then discuss it with her. Good luck, ~Lashra

Viridana -> RE: Starting a relationship with a recently unowned slave (6/4/2009 9:00:31 AM)
If you really like this girl and really intend on having a relationship with her in the future (or at least explore those routes) then I'm sure you'll feel the same way in a few months. Let her have those few months to finish the grieving process of the relationship. Wait, be her friend, don't flirt with her that will only confuse her. At least I know for myself that If I had a friend that hit on me just after a breakup, that person would probably not be a close friend anymore.

tazzygirl -> RE: Starting a relationship with a recently unowned slave (6/4/2009 9:42:52 AM)
IF you decide to persue this girl.... dont do so as a Dom on the prowl. the best thing you can do now is be there to listen, and give her the structure im sure she is missing in her life. nonsexual! you say she is slave.... im sure she feels so terribly lost. so much of a slave's life is governed by her owner, from bed time to meal time in some cases. be ready to listen, be ready for the tears and the anger. from personal experience, leave the sex by the wayside... even if she pushes for it. she needs to heal. and if sex is part of the relationship now, you will only be the rebound guy.

GreedyTop -> RE: Starting a relationship with a recently unowned slave (6/4/2009 9:45:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Viridana If you really like this girl and really intend on having a relationship with her in the future (or at least explore those routes) then I'm sure you'll feel the same way in a few months. Let her have those few months to finish the grieving process of the relationship. Wait, be her friend, don't flirt with her that will only confuse her. At least I know for myself that If I had a friend that hit on me just after a breakup, that person would probably not be a close friend anymore. this.

windchymes -> RE: Starting a relationship with a recently unowned slave (6/4/2009 10:14:05 AM)
While I do agree with the positive comments that have already been posted about giving her time to deal with the break-up, I also like to look at all sides of any issue, and the one that occurs to me is, it's also possible that she enjoys melodrama and attention and is "attracted to you, BUT....." and using that "BUT" to keep stringing you along. Maybe she did a lot of "I would, BUT's" with her former dom. You don't say how long she's been on anti-depressants, but it's possible she didn't start taking them AFTER they broke up. Maybe she's been on them for a while and maybe she doesn't take them like she's supposed to all the time? Remember, she got released for a reason, and we don't know what that reason is. You two had a "fling" a couple of years ago, but the time supposedly wasn't right. Why not? Just things to keep in mind. I say keep waiting, give her space for at least 6 months to a year. Just be in the background, but don't keep pushing or persuing her. Yep, that's a long time. If she truly needs some time to get over him so she can come to you willingly, then it's worth the wait. Maybe the former dom just spent a year trying to "build her up" and let her go because he realized it wasn't something she really wanted deep down inside and he moved on to save his own sanity.

Jeptha -> RE: Starting a relationship with a recently unowned slave (6/4/2009 10:59:13 AM)
I agree with what others have said about not pressuring her. However, I don't really understand the advice about giving her a set amount of time so you won't be the "rebound" guy, etc... I think she can probably determine for herself what she wants and when she's ready. I mean, there were times in my life when I was thoroughly disgusted with relationships. I was aware of it, though, and perfectly capable of setting my own time frames for recovery, grieving, moping, or whatever activities one engages in in those circumstances. Your job, as I see it, would be to just be supportive and create the psychological space for her to move freely in regarding your palhood, or whatever you wish to call it. In other words, be honest but also give her space to consider what she wants and make her own decisions. Several people have mentioned the rebound phenomena. That's something I don't understand because it hasn't been a factor in my life - at least that I can recall at the moment. When my relationships have ended, there's never been anyone waiting right there to start another with. For instance: does "rebound" mean that you don't necessarily like the person, but you just want to assuage the pain of lonliness so you get involved? Are you aware of that fact while it's happening (so that it could be discussed accurately in real time)? I'm just not sure what that's all about. PS: the reason I take this stance, I guess, is that it's possible for me to imagine a situation where you give a little too much space, don't make your thoughts known at all, so that later on she says "Gosh, I thought you were only interested in being friends..."

SailingBum -> RE: Starting a relationship with a recently unowned slave (6/4/2009 11:36:37 AM)
ehhhh I don't do rebound bitches anymore. It was a love hate thing BadOne

DomPgan -> RE: Starting a relationship with a recently unowned slave (6/4/2009 4:10:48 PM)
Thanks for the thoughtful replies. It seems that with the limited information, most of you think I should not push or flirt, to avoid confusing her (and avoid being the rebound guy). Some said I should be a supportive friend. What I meant about being a buddy is that once you become someone's buddy, they lose attraction for you and it's almost impossible to re-ignite it. So that was the other danger I wanted to avoid. quote: ... Maybe she did a lot of "I would, BUT's" with her former dom. You don't say how long she's been on anti-depressants, but it's possible she didn't start taking them AFTER they broke up. Maybe she's been on them for a while and maybe she doesn't take them like she's supposed to all the time? Remember, she got released for a reason, and we don't know what that reason is. You two had a "fling" a couple of years ago, but the time supposedly wasn't right. Why not? Just things to keep in mind. ... This part is completely D/s neutral. She is a very responsible and sincere person, as I know her. The time of our fling wasn't right because it was during a break with my girlfriend at the time - we had an "open relationship" for a while then. I felt I should try to work things out with my girlfriend, while the girl in question said she would wait for me in case it didn't work out. Not surprisingly, a year of waiting was enough for her and she got a boyfriend. All I know about their relationship is that they "had issues" and she was taking anti-depressants during the relationship. (I did not want to pry, nor become nothing but a buddy.) quote: but how do you know that you want a D/s "relationship"? seriously ...its W-A-Y more than kinky sex. I know. I know I want to try a D/s relationship because I fantasize about it all the time and the thought really turns me on.

Viridana -> RE: Starting a relationship with a recently unowned slave (6/4/2009 4:25:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DomPgan What I meant about being a buddy is that once you become someone's buddy, they lose attraction for you and it's almost impossible to re-ignite it. So that was the other danger I wanted to avoid. I disagree. Of course I can only speak for myself but noone is going to be my partner if they aren't my buddies before... preferably waaay before. I do aknowledge there are women out there who think the exact opposite, I'm friends with quite a few, but many of them share a trend of complaining how they wished their bfs were more supportive and more of a friend when times actually get tough. And that always baffles me because honestly being in a relationship where my partner isn't my best friend as well is very foreign to me. At least to me, I would ask if you'd really want to be with someone who lost their attraction to you for being a supportive friend. But ultimately, if you care for this girl, her emotional well being and healing should be the top priority and reign miles higher than your worries of being "downgraded" to buddy status.

Apocalypso -> RE: Starting a relationship with a recently unowned slave (6/4/2009 4:38:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: eyesopened However, in all things I do believe honesty to be the best policy. Why not state to her what you have told us? Your intentions, your feelings, your goals for the relationship should there be one, your concerns about her self-esteem, your ability to be a friends to start but wanting more? That'd be my view. I don't think you should come on heavily at the moment. But not letting her know how you feel runs the risk of it feeling like you were 'faking' the friendship in order to get a relationship somwhere down the line.

antipode -> RE: Starting a relationship with a recently unowned slave (6/4/2009 8:29:37 PM)
quote: while I have no experience as a dom in a committed relationship with a slave. But the idea thrills me, It sounds like you're wanting to be a dom because you have a slave available. I would doubt that an experienced slave will want to begin a new slave relationship with a beginner - and honestly, most men say they are dominant in bed, I always think they have that opinion because they are on top. I think all you will achieve by going after her is that you will ruin a friendship - she says she is very attracted to you, but "it" hasn't happened? You need to see if you aren't doing some wishful thinking here. If you absolutely must, talk to her about how you like her, and that you'd like to be her dom, but don't know how to. If you try anything else it is going to be a Seinfeld episode. You ave woven a nice justification for yourself, but it is full of holes. Maybe you can just be in love with her, and do that, and see where the ship runs aground? BTW, mourning, after a breakup, usually takes a year, sometimes more. I personally think it is never a good idea to catch someone who is on the rebound, hasn't found her feet yet, try if you must, but know that jumping in this quick may mean you're setting yourself up to fail. You can't always have what you want...

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