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MadAxeman -> More Lovely Blonds (6/5/2009 9:44:21 AM)
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We all love them, here are a few of my favourites...
A blonde was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.
He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, ...
"HELLLLO" "You need to roll up the windows"
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish.
The redhead went first. ''I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!''
"Okay,'' replied the genie. And off she went.
Then the brunette went. ''I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!'' And off she went.
The blonde started crying and said, ''I wish my friends were back here!''
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells
''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''
A redhead, brunette and blonde were on their way to Heaven. God told them the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and on every 5th step He'd tell them a joke. But, they must not laugh or else they could not enter heaven.
The brunette went first and started laughing on the 65th step, so she could not enter Heaven.
The redhead went next and started laughing on the 320th step, so she could not enter Heaven either.
Then, it was the blonde's turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing.
"Why are you laughing?" God asked. "I didn't tell a joke."
"I know," the blonde replied. "I just got the first joke."
A blind guy enters a bar and finds his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind man hollers to the bartender
"Buddy, wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar becomes silent. In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says
"Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6 foot 200 pound blonde with a black belt in Jeet Kun Do. What's more, the bloke sitting next to me is blonde and he's a heavyweight boxer. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. D'ya still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind guy says, "Ach, nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A blonde went into a global message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $400 she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money!! But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in France!"
The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?"
"Yes, absolutely anything" the blonde promised.
With that, the man said, "Follow me." He walked into the next room and ordered her to "Come in and close the door." She did. He then said, "Get on your knees." She did. Then he said, "Take down my zipper." She did.
He said, "Go ahead... take it out." She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well... go ahead!"
The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly,
"HELLO ... MOM?
In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth -- if you lie, you disappear.
One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror. The brunette goes first.
"I think I'm the smartest woman on earth."
"POOF!" She disappears. The redhead goes up to try. "I think I'm the prettiest woman on earth."
"POOF!" She disappears.
The blonde goes up.
"I think--"
"POOF!"
A road construction manager needed to hire someone to paint the yellow lines down the middle of a newly constructed road. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all get hired. They are each assigned a section of the road.
The first day, the blonde paints 2 miles, the redhead 1.5, and the brunette only 1.
On the second day, the blonde paints 1 mile, the brunette 2, and the redhead 2.5.
On the third day, the blonde only gets 1/4 of a mile done, the redhead 3, and the brunette 3.5.
The manager decides to talk to the blonde.
"You haven't been painting as much road as you did on the first day. What's the problem?"
"I'd be painting more, but the bucket keeps getting further and further away!"
Two Blondes waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation, "How'd you die?" the first blonde asked the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde.
"You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping."
How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde. "I had a heart attack," says the first blonde.
"You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second blonde shakes her head.
"What a pity, if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" spluttered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"
"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.
''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried.
''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosties back in the box!''
There were 12 women climbing Mount Everest. Eleven were blondes and the other a brunette.
At one point, they had to use a rope. Half way up the rope (about 100 ft. high) the rope started tearing. They decided one person needed to jump off and sacrifice themself in order for them all to survive.
The brunette gave a long, heart-warming speech of how she was going to sacrifice herself for the others. Everyone started crying.
After she had let go of the rope, all the blondes applauded.
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her siste
"When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds
"It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'" The telegraph operator shakes his head.
"How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied
"I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied
"I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.
The captain said
"I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself
"Why didn't someone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains
"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa".
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says
"Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn.
She asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he e-mails all his friends and co-workers, but to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks
"Well, what's the answer? "
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
A policeman was interviewing three blondes who wanted to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it.
"This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"
The blonde answered
"That's too easy! We'll catch him quickly because he only has one eye!"
The policeman said
"Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashed the picture at the second blonde and said
"This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggled, flipped her hair and said
"Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily replied
"What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing, because this is a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he showed the picture to the third blonde and said, in a very testy voice, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" He added
"And think hard before answering, so you don't say something completely idiotic."
The blonde looked at the picture intently for a moment and said
"Hmmmm...The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman was stunned speechless, because he honestly didn't know whether the suspect wore contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer...Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that."
He left the room and went to his office, checked the suspect's file in his computer, and came back beaming.
"Wow!" he said, "I can't believe it...It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! But how were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses, because he only has one eye and one ear."
A blonde was waiting at a bus stop in New York City. She was wearing a tight leather skirt with matching top and boots. When the bus pulled up she tried to get on but realized that her skirt was far too tight and far too short to allow her to make it to the first step. Embarrassed, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little, hoping it would give her some slack. She tried again but soon realized that she still could not make it. She reached back and unzipped her skirt a little more, but she still could not make it. Getting frustrated, she tried a third time but still could not make it. At the point, the giant Texan behind her picked her up at the waist and gently set her onto the bus.
"How dare you touch my body!" shrieked the blonde. "I don't even know you!"
"Well, ma'am," replied the Texan in his country drawl
"after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair.
She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" "Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382". "Wow." Said the herder.
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blond is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it."
The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."
A man was in his front garden mowing the lawn when his attractive blonde female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mail box. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'
To which she replied
'There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL'
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, hire a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Royston Vasey.
The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.
The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realises she can't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
She says, "What the hell's going on up here? We're having a grand time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops had been lost. Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middleman and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town.
Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door. A gorgeous blonde in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?"
Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice peaches for sale."
The blonde, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?"
Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches."
So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?"
The old farmer mumbled, and then broke down crying, and said, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches."
She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"
The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop and the weevils ate all my cotton and now I think you're gonna screw me out of my peaches."
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