CaringandReal
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Joined: 2/15/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: lilshyslavegirl
How does one know it is a painslut or masochist for sure, how can one's inhibitions in regards to pain be overcome, how can one be pushed safely and how does it know when is enough?
That's a lot of questions! Ok, one by one.
Question the First: lots of people know they are a painslut or masochist because they have fantasies about experiencing pain that arouse them. But not everyone has these, and often, even in these decadant times, a person can grow to adulthood never making a connection that pain can be sexy for them. On the surface they're two very different things, after all. So some people probably discover this when they are introduced to painful sex by a partner and they realize from these experiences, maybe quickly, maybe after a long time, maybe even long after the relationship is done, that that they like/d it. I don't think it's wise to judge whether one is a painsult or not by whether it hurts, even hurts bad, when it is happening. Judge rather by boredom. Does it bore you and do nothing for you erotically or emotionally or at best make your laugh at the ridiculousness of it? Is there any thrill in it at all? Any secret pleasure or need that's getting met? Or could you (if it weren't for all the blasted pain, that is) take it or leave it? I know, "taking it or leaving it" is a strange way to talk about pain, but I know of no better way to judge sexual interests than the boredom scale. If pain bores you, you're probably not a painslut. (It can still hurt and bore you sexually at the same time.) Pain is one a few things that occur in sex that you can get confused about because it sometimes evokes strong negative reactions or memories. You can't judge whether pain turns you on or not by those negative experiences, they are something else. They may be so strong that regular pain would not be good for you, but these intense and often emotional experiences do not mean you are not a pain slut. They mean that physical pain is tied up with some other negative things inside you. So look for signs of bordom, tedium, enui, who the hell cares! :) Also keep in mind that different kinds of pain cause different kinds of reactions. Many people find they like certain types of pain better than other types. That doesn't mean you should always get the kinds you prefer (what would be the fun of that?) but it does mean that if you've experienced a few types that didn't turn you on, there may potentially be other kinds that do. An example: I know people who hate being beaten but love bondage because they like that aching feeling in their limbs that tight restriction brings. Other people are just the opposite.
Lots of people start out not liking pain with their sex, but then grow to like it. A couple of your other questions are about this point, I see.
"How can one's inhibitions in regard to pain be overcome?" A talented or skilled partner who is is passionate about their dominance and sadism can bring out your pain slut side--if it's there to begin with, even if it's very small to begin with. How can one's inhibitions about pain be overcome? Well, on your end you have to want to overcome them, enough to try your best at all times, but I think that's mostly your partner's job, particularly if your partner has more experience than you. It's hard for a submissive to do this on her own, especially if she is not even sure she is a masochist. There are all sorts of techniques, some mental, some physical that an experienced dominant can use to help bring someone out who is inhibited by pain. On your end, don't expect your reaction to pain, if you do get one, to be anything like anyone else's. Just note whether it is positive or not. Does it leave you feeling better in some way (any way, not necessarily horny) or worse, or neutral?
"How can one be pushed safely?" Tough question. It's kind of like a vanilla person asking, "How can I have a 50 year relationship with my future partner without us ever having a single argument or fight?" That's the thing, while almost everyone wants it to be safe, it's not always safe. Undergoing pain is an extreme experience and it (or the things done to produce it) can cause unexpected physical issues and even if your dominant is an MD and has done a thorough check of your physical condition, the unexpected can happen. And somethimes there are unexpected emotional issues. The more dangerously you play, the more risks you take. Two key questions related to this that the submissive typically asks herself are (1) Are the risks worth it for me? and (2) Do I trust or can I come to trust my partner to keep me safe? If the answer to (2) is no, you need to ask yourself some further questions, starting with "Why?" Sometimes the answer is simple: the relationship is really new and you just don't know him or her very well. In that situation, what you need to do is ask your partner more questions, questions that will help you answer that the issue of trust for yourself. Other times the answer to "Why can't I trust him?" has nothing to do with not knowing him well enough. In that situation, you need to heed the answer, although it can be hard and be last thing you want to hear.
"How does one know when it is enough?" Another tough one. If you are asking this because you have a safeword and want to determine when to use it, here are some pointers. Take these with a grain of salt as they come from a person who has never had a safeword. Here's a commonsense one: something bad happens that your partner cannot know, just by looking at you writhing and saying "Ow!" The classic example of this is a leg cramp. The other person cannot see this usually. It's invisible to him and he will not know that you're saying ouch because your leg is tied up in knots unless you tell him. He'll think it's his marvellous swing. :) Whether you choose to say, "Leg Cramp!" or "Safeword!" is up to you or what you've been told to do, the important thing to note is that there is important information you know and he doesn't and you need to communicate this somehow. When you and your partner know each other well, he'll learn to read your expression and body and tell when something other than a reaction to the pain he is inflicting is going on. And you'll learn over time to communicate better non-verbally. But you can't reach that point without having considerable shared experiences and perhaps talking about them, especially when there are problems, to understand what happened. A second use of a safeword comes for some submissives when the emotions gets very weird very fast. When you feel really bad or odd and it's snowballing out of control, you use the safeword to stop what's going on, perhaps momentarily, that's for your dom to decide, so you can take a time out, get a breather, get the emotions, whatever they are, to calm down a bit. Chances are if he doesn't stop, the emotions will get stronger and you may even start get uncontrollably panicked over them if they are really strange. Most dominant partners want you to respond and react to what THEY are doing to you, not to some internal drama playing out in your head over which he has no control and cannot even percieve, so I see it as respectful to your partner to let him know if what you're experiencing in the moment has absolutely nothing to do with him or what he's doing to you.
Sometimes, though, even a short, one-syllable safeword can be defeated by weird head things. Under duress you might forget your safeword. Just say so as soon as you realize you can't remember it. Here's an unusual thing, but it does happen. Someone I once knew was an infantalist and tended to experience herself as very young during a dominantion session. How young? Pre-verbal young. So initially she and her partner had some rough times because she'd go into that headspace, get distressed, but couldn't tell him what was going on. She literally didn't have the words. But he saw something was off and stopped the scene and later they worked it out. I'm just saying some odd things can happen mentally or emotionally, and the first few times they can happen very fast before anyone is aware of what's going on. It doesn't mean you're a failure as a submissive or he's a failure as a dominant. It just means something unexpected happened. It's not the end of the world. It can feel bad in the moment but it has no deep significance or lasting effect on your psyche. And next time it won't be entirely unexpected because it's happened once before.
If you mean how do you personally know how much pain is enough... well that is a very personal thing, it differs for everyone and you can't compare one person's response to another's. I think you both have to discover this together. It's very relaxing when your partner knows you well enough to know when it's too much, and it's not unusual to reach that point after time spent playing together but it doesn't happen instantly or usually without a lot of effort at communicating. If I were frightened I was being badly injured I would say so. If I experienced the pain as so severe that it was beyond my ability to endure it, I would probably beg for it to stop. But some submissives wouldn't out of a misplaced sense of pride. Sometimes an uncaring dominant just out to get their kicks will give you a safeword but try to make you feel bad or guilty about ever using it. This feeling can be engendered in a submissive in dozens of ways, and even a smart person will fall for them because they engage her feelings of pride, of wanting to be a good slave, or intense bottom, or whatever your ideal happens to be. Basically you want your partner to value you and you think the only way that can happen is if you bear the unbearable. But trying to endure something that's genuinely horrible out of a sense of pride or out of fear of not being accepted is a very bad idea. It almost always backfires badly and you end up worse off than if you had swallowed your pride and spoke the safeword or begged for it to end.
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to be or not to be a painslut? - 
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