Issues of Etiquette

Issues of Etiquette (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

Tantalus42 -> Issues of Etiquette (2/10/2006 3:35:34 AM)
You know, I don't ask for much. What I do ask for his a bit of politeness. It seems to me - and perhaps I am mistaken - that when I approach a woman who has a Dominant life partner in their life, even if that life partner is not their "Master" and she is allowed to play, that I should take the time to introduce myself to the man they are with, let him get a feel for me, and make sure if there are any rules or issues that he has I know about them. I consider that being polite and part of the priviledge that goes with being a Dominant. So why are there so many of these "Doms" who refuse to even say hello to me when they approach my submissive wife? They are more then willing to engage her in doing things for them as quickly as possible, and they never seem to feel it is necessary to talk to the Dom she lives with. They ask her a few questions about the relationship, then they are off and running. Maybe there's a bit of a need for my wife to be more clear with them about the rules I have. But, as I said, no wife has to be clear with ME regarding those issues, I simply assume that I should know and gain the respect of the Dom she is living with before I expect her to do things for me. Just as I would approaching any Master/slave relationship, you talk to the Master first. Am I totally off-base about that? Or am I just being too damned uptight?

DelRey -> RE: Issues of Etiquette (2/10/2006 5:08:45 AM)
First, understand for the most part you are dealing with IDIOTS and they don’t know how to interact with people let alone a respectable couple. Just ask any woman here about the landslide of moronic emails she gets after her profile gets posted here. Your not uptight, in fact I believe you are within your rights to expect respect when you and your sub are socializing. I would have a talk with your wife and let her know your feelings of this happening in the past. I have been in a relationship where this happened and my GF did not see it. I quickly rectified the situation by telling her what I expected in that situation. A funny thing happened when the trolls were put on notice she was not just “she” but in fact she was a “we”. Most backed off, others that were truly socializing did so with both of us. So it could be as simple as explaining your feelings in that situation and giving her a means to rectify. If that don’t work, take her home and face phuck her until she gets it. lol Good luck D.R.

xxblushesxx -> RE: Issues of Etiquette (2/10/2006 5:11:53 AM)
I don't think that is asking too much at all... Besides 'tax deductions' do you have anything more valuable? Don't associate with people who have no concept on how to conduct themselves...

JohnWarren -> RE: Issues of Etiquette (2/10/2006 5:14:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Tantalus42 You know, I don't ask for much. What I do ask for his a bit of politeness. It seems to me - and perhaps I am mistaken - that when I approach a woman who has a Dominant life partner in their life, even if that life partner is not their "Master" and she is allowed to play, that I should take the time to introduce myself to the man they are with, let him get a feel for me, and make sure if there are any rules or issues that he has I know about them. I consider that being polite and part of the priviledge that goes with being a Dominant. So why are there so many of these "Doms" who refuse to even say hello to me when they approach my submissive wife? They are more then willing to engage her in doing things for them as quickly as possible, and they never seem to feel it is necessary to talk to the Dom she lives with. They ask her a few questions about the relationship, then they are off and running. Maybe there's a bit of a need for my wife to be more clear with them about the rules I have. But, as I said, no wife has to be clear with ME regarding those issues, I simply assume that I should know and gain the respect of the Dom she is living with before I expect her to do things for me. Just as I would approaching any Master/slave relationship, you talk to the Master first. Am I totally off-base about that? Or am I just being too damned uptight? I can only speak for myself, but neither Libby nor I have a rule that we have to envolved the other in casual conversation. If the other is present, we introduce him or her, but making conversation with someone who is speaking to me or her is up to the personal choice. HOWEVER, when services or play is involved, we not only involved the other member of the dyad but have a firm rule that the outside party has to clear the services or play with the uninvolved half and get an explicit affirmative response. For example, a guy or gal is talking to Libby. Fine. If he wants her to spank him or tie him up, he has to seek me out, tell me what is wanted, carry on enough of a conversation so I'm comfortable with him and then it is up to me if I'm OK with that. The same procedure applies if a woman wants to play with me. We find it clears up misunderstandings and scares off the predators

Tantalus42 -> RE: Issues of Etiquette (2/10/2006 5:44:14 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JohnWarren For example, a guy or gal is talking to Libby. Fine. If he wants her to spank him or tie him up, he has to seek me out, tell me what is wanted, carry on enough of a conversation so I'm comfortable with him and then it is up to me if I'm OK with that. The same procedure applies if a woman wants to play with me. We find it clears up misunderstandings and scares off the predators Thank you John. Like you, I don't find the conversations bothersome at all and don't feel a need to interfere with those. It was the aspect of having her do things in real life - ie, on my time in my home, without knowledge of the person in question - that I find troublesome. And yes, I have spoken with her already, and we've clarified this aspect of our relationship. We work very hard on the communication, and it's really the key to having success with what we seek. Thanks all for your comments!

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Issues of Etiquette (2/10/2006 6:13:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Tantalus42 So why are there so many of these "Doms" who refuse to even say hello to me when they approach my submissive wife? They are more then willing to engage her in doing things for them as quickly as possible, and they never seem to feel it is necessary to talk to the Dom she lives with. They ask her a few questions about the relationship, then they are off and running. It really depends on the relationship. You really shouldn't expect others to share your values on this. For me and my partners, there's absolutely no expectation of discussing with others if they want to go off and do other things (unles it will interfere with pre-scheduled plans). All that matters is you know what you need and you make sure it happens. If others aren't cool with that, they should just say ok and move on. You getting annoyed with them for following your own particular ideas is wasted energy and if they try to skirt around your desires once they have been communicated, then they are definitely being disrespectful.

Oberonrex -> RE: Issues of Etiquette (2/10/2006 6:18:26 AM)
No, you are not uptight. You've already gotten a lot of good responses, and as usual I agree very much with John Warren. What you are seeing are either very new to the scene, or people who have no social skills whatsoever. The latter is a real problem. What you seek are people with what used to be called basic manners, or politeness. Believe it or not, you can and will catch flack for using such. I continue to do so, because if I don't use good manners, then how can I expect one who serves to to have and use them? In reading posts, you are going to find people talking about triggers, things that cause them to ignore/dismiss/whatever someone else. One of mine is a lack of common courtesy. Glad you are communicating, and good luck.

IronBear -> RE: Issues of Etiquette (2/10/2006 8:03:39 AM)
I guess I'm old fashion in this. Every time I contact any of the girls and I know they have a Master or Mistress or even that they are married, it is a matter of good manners that I always pass on my regards to their partner or Dominant. Do I expect the same in return? I used to untill I realised that many have no manners or comprehension of etiquette, good form, protocol etc etc.... I make no judgements on this however, if a sub/slave wants to get onto messanger or meet, then I do expect that they will request my ok as being head of my home. I know Neets will inform them that they need to talk to me, that I will be present at any meeting initially and that she and I share such information and discuss potential people who may want to meet with us. Stick to your guns in this matter. It's all in the game and how you play it.....

perverseangelic -> RE: Issues of Etiquette (2/10/2006 8:24:11 AM)
From my perspective, I like it when someone asks me to say hello to the owner, when he/she says hi to me, and I like it when they consider that I belong to someone as we work around the idea of playing together. I get frustrated, however, when they refuse to deal with -me- when it comes to arranging meetings. I'm the one who takes care of that in my relationship, and you'd be -amazed- at the number of people who won't schedule with me. The three most prevelant complaints are that it's 'beneath' a dominant person to negotiate with an owned person, that I can't arrange anything because my owner could over-rule me, and that if my owner really existed he'd want to take care of this himself. So, yeah, I think it's polite to ask after the person's partner, and to maybe say something to the effect of hello. But being unwilling to talk to -me- as opposed to him bugs me. (admitedly, this is only maybe 1/4 of replies. The majority want me to leave him ;) )

truesub4u -> RE: Issues of Etiquette (2/10/2006 8:29:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IronBear I know Neets will inform them that they need to talk to me Stick to your guns in this matter. It's all in the game and how you play it..... I agree with each post on a submissive side. And I was forming a response when I read this in IronBears response. When someone approaches me... I inform them I have a Dom/Master... and they should first speak to them.. I get the.. You ask him! I have to laugh sometimes... because I tell them.. it was you who approached me looking for something... it was not I who approached you. But the few I've incountered always insist that I seek permission from Master..not them. Where on the other hand... it get really funny... to catch the reactions of some non BDSM men that seek me out and I tell them they need to speak with my better half... I get same response.. You ask him! Where as the OP has problems with his submissive wife being approached.... I get to deal with the submissives that approaches Master. He informs them of me... he gets the "oh she doesn't have to know" response. Like John and the OP casual conversation doesn't bother us. It's when it goes beyond that. I sometimes wonder.... why some think... just because we are M/s... that are ideas.. and values would be different than if we were a "vanilla" couple? Is it written because we are Master/submissive.... that we will always want and have sex with others? That we can't be happy with just each other and not fool around behind.... nor in front of the other? Ging out into the community and being actively social does not mean we're out seeking to have sex with others. But I guess like Ironbear and a few others... we're old school really.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Issues of Etiquette (2/10/2006 8:30:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IronBear I realised that many have no manners or comprehension of etiquette, good form, protocol etc etc It's not necessarily bad or lack of manners and protocol. Protocol tends to be very individual. When my partner goes to a party, he doesn't have to call me before he plays or serves someone else. Same for me. And someone isn't bad for approaching ME to play with ME. It's my job to inform them of any and all limits and needs that I have before playing- including anyone I need permission from or anyone they need to be OK'd by. It's not their lacking to not read my mind or know already what I'm going to need from them.

IronBear -> RE: Issues of Etiquette (2/10/2006 8:49:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross quote: ORIGINAL: IronBear I realised that many have no manners or comprehension of etiquette, good form, protocol etc etc It's not necessarily bad or lack of manners and protocol. Protocol tends to be very individual. Of course. I make allowances for that just as I do with people from different backgrounds or nationality. However people of the same class as I grew up with and a similar family background from Australia and the UK I have less tollerance for I know that they were brought up with similar standards and the expectation that they would not allow such things to slip. Mind you, Ive seen people from upperclass homes with all that entails being the most pig ignorant rude bastards about and shearers and other rural workers, miners and what ever displaying exlempory manners so that you would be proud to have then take high tea at Buckingham Palace.

truesub4u -> RE: Issues of Etiquette (2/10/2006 8:55:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross It's not their lacking to not read my mind or know already what I'm going to need from them. Lucky.. I can understand this... to a point. No one can read minds to determine if someone is actually owned... under consideration.... protected by another. It's the conversations leading up to said information. Seriously... i'm not going to walk into said place... have someone approach me.. and just go off and play. There's going to be casual conversation... leading to what it is that the one who approached me seeks... then the information (or before hand) come out and the information needed.. required... expected, becomes available. When I inform someone... they need to speak with my Dom first.. and they just smile and say no need... or I did already... etc... I'm going to seek Master out.. find out what's going on.. if it's been approved. No not everyone else would.. but this one will... You're relationship is as unique to you... as mine is to Master... as the OP's is to his submissive wife. Having the type of open relationship that you do have with your partner is ok with you.. where it's not going to be with others.

veronicaofML -> RE: Issues of Etiquette (2/10/2006 10:46:52 AM)
First, understand for the most part you are dealing with IDIOTS and they don’t know how to interact with people let alone a respectable couple ======================= IDIOTS **how come YOU get to use that word and "I" get my ass jumped on by the mods here for doing it? something smells rotten somewhere talk about playing favorites!!!

IronBear -> RE: Issues of Etiquette (2/10/2006 11:16:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: veronicaofML First, understand for the most part you are dealing with IDIOTS and they don’t know how to interact with people let alone a respectable couple ======================= IDIOTS how come YOU get to use that word and "I" get my ass jumped on by the mods here for doing it? something smells rotten somewhere talk about playing favorites!!! It's all in the game and HOW YOU play it!..........**

FTopinMichigan -> RE: Issues of Etiquette (2/10/2006 11:57:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Tantalus42 Am I totally off-base about that? Or am I just being too damned uptight? I agree with all that posted already, that you're not off base with your expectations. Not being uptight at all! Sort of on the flip side, I'm a dominant lady, and have been out with a man, usually a submissive (although BDSM orientation is not a prerequisite for me to enjoy a man, on a date), when we are approached as a couple, and the approaching male asks "my" date if "I" might have permission to speak with him. [sm=lol.gif] To anyone making an initial gesture...communicate "before" making assumptions would be my first rule, but as long as the person is well aware of your relationship, and said ownership (which is usually VERY clear in online profiles), then while it's severely lacking, common courtesy should prevail. Unfortunately, we all know how uncommon, common courtesy is these days! K

veronicaofML -> RE: Issues of Etiquette (2/10/2006 12:12:25 PM)
It's all in the game and HOW YOU play it!.......... =========== which means what EXACTLY? someone getting some offline action?

ModeratorEleven -> RE: Issues of Etiquette (2/10/2006 12:51:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: veronicaofML IDIOTS *how come YOU get to use that word and "I" get my ass jumped on by the mods here for doing it? You've used it to refer to specific individuals here, and that's not allowed. quote:* something smells rotten somewhere talk about playing favorites!!! This is not a game that you want to play, veronica. Please give it a rest. XI

yourMissTress -> RE: Issues of Etiquette (2/10/2006 12:55:47 PM)
Many times there are people that assume that if you are kinky, you are also a swinger, or just plain easy. There are certainly many people that are involved in both lifestyles and sometimes the etiquette between the two get...blurred. Here's a link to an article that I think should be read by everyone who's going to attend a play party. http://www.sexuality.org/l/bdsm/ppetique.html

MsIncognito -> RE: Issues of Etiquette (2/10/2006 1:14:19 PM)
No one can 'engage her in doing things for them as quickly as possible' without her being willing to do so. Yes, I think it is necessary for your wife to be much more clear in her communications with others. Not every couple operates under the same rules and structures the two of you do so I think it's unrealistic to expect others to follow a standard (ie your standard) when none really exists. There is no BDSM user's manual or etiquette tome. Sure, there are some out there who couldn't care less about these kinds of things but I think most would benefit from your wife being more clear about her situation and the expectations that go with that. I have always felt that it is up to the people in a relationship (regardless of the flavour) to maintain the integrity of that relationship. Others can't be expected to do that for you. quote: ORIGINAL: Tantalus42 So why are there so many of these "Doms" who refuse to even say hello to me when they approach my submissive wife? They are more then willing to engage her in doing things for them as quickly as possible, and they never seem to feel it is necessary to talk to the Dom she lives with. They ask her a few questions about the relationship, then they are off and running. Maybe there's a bit of a need for my wife to be more clear with them about the rules I have.

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875