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How soon is too Soon - 6/5/2009 7:01:28 PM   
shaylynne


Posts: 1
Joined: 5/31/2009
Status: offline 		i am new to this lifestyle.  i have always known in my heart who and what i am, but have repressed it for a very long time.  i just recently started exploring this lifestyle.  i am currently under a collar of consideration by my Master, yet many of the people i have spoken to tell me it is way too soon for this step. i have only been in this for about three weeks.  i need some advice on how soon is too soon for this level of activity.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: How soon is too Soon - 6/5/2009 7:19:25 PM   
Joseff


Posts: 505
Joined: 6/2/2007
Status: offline 		That is entirely up to you. If you feel that your exploration will be enhanced by the Master in question, I see no reason why you should not take that route. Just remember all that stuff about safety and communication. If you haven't learned that stuff yet, get to reading, there's a search function here, and pages and pages of valuable information an just about every subject.

_____________________________

This is gonna hurt...

Joseff

(in reply to shaylynne)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: How soon is too Soon - 6/5/2009 7:44:51 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		That's a tough one and it depends on what the collar actually means.  It could be simply that he's making it exclusive between the two of you while he and you get to experience each other.  But I'd be leery of getting a full collar for another few months.

'Course, that's just me.  If it works for the two of you, go for it.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Joseff)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: How soon is too Soon - 6/5/2009 8:24:31 PM   
SmokingGun82


Posts: 575
Joined: 6/19/2004
Status: offline 		I'll parrot others- if you both feel it's a good idea, then fuck what others might think.

And, worst case scenario... well, realistic worst case scenario... is it doesn't last forever. Which just means you dust yourself off and try again.


_____________________________

It frightens me, the awful truth of how sweet life can be.
- Bob Dylan

Proper capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my Uncle Jack off a horse" and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse."

(in reply to shaylynne)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: How soon is too Soon - 6/5/2009 8:36:42 PM   
jas1961


Posts: 2
Joined: 3/14/2009
Status: offline
Honestly you join this site at the end of last month, and you been offered a collar already. I took a look at your profile it sounds like he's trying to isolate you, in my humble opinion. I think you needed to slow it down a little bit. Take your time to get to know this Dom better, this process should take months not weeks. That will give you sometime to do a little research to understand what you want and desire out of this relationship and lifestyle. I've been talking with a sub that did the same thing you're doing now, let's just say it had a very sad ending. Don't rush it, whether it's six weeks or six months if it was meant to be then it will happen.

(in reply to shaylynne)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: How soon is too Soon - 6/5/2009 8:49:54 PM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		How long is a piece of string?

Only you can know what will and wont work for you, and to be honest some of the early mistakes we make are the most helpful. Just be safe

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to jas1961)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: How soon is too Soon - 6/6/2009 1:03:08 AM   
peppermint


Posts: 5170
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		When I've mentored newbies I generally suggest that they wait for 6 months before becoming serious about a Dominant.  Many submissives experience what is called 'sub frenzy' upon discovering BDSM.  Sub frenzy is the urgent uncontrolled need and desire to experience it all..NOW, to do it all..NOW!!!   This can lead to some bad decisions for some.  The six months time allows you to do a lot of reading.  You can ask questions in forums like this one.  You can research answers.  You can gain a lot of knowledge and make many personal discoveries that will be very valuable to you and to your future Master.  You can settle down and get past sub frenzy and hopefully make sensible decisons and choices. 

However, there are no rules and regulations as to how long you should wait.  If you have found the perfect Master within days, then you are indeed fortunate.  Most newbies have difficulty separating the players from the real life doers.  It actually took me longer than a year.  That you could find the perfect match for yourself in a matter of days is...well....phenomenal and you should count your blessings.  

(in reply to shaylynne)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: How soon is too Soon - 6/6/2009 2:06:02 AM   
SirMIkeSD


Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline 		Is this real time or on line that makes a big difference in my response.

Mike

(in reply to peppermint)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: How soon is too Soon - 6/6/2009 4:47:11 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		The only time I would even consider collaring a slave who is so new to the lifestyle would be if we already had a friendship lasting a couple of years. At least there would be some elements of trust and know each other. Then and only then would i consider a lengthy Probationary Collar and want her to meet others so as to learn more about the whole scene generally. 

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to SirMIkeSD)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: How soon is too Soon - 6/6/2009 5:22:00 AM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		Life's too short, live today as if there is no tomorrow.

IF this is offline -- then do what feels comfortable. I mean if you met this man offline initially -- you went on a date or so got to know him through conversation with him and he asked you to move in -- how soon would you do it? How soon would you have sex, how soon would you become exclusive etc.

Approach this as you would any relationship you would have if you met him offline instead of on. I always shake my head when people make such a big deal as if online should be approached any differently than you would offline. A relationship is a relationship. Life's too bloody short. Consider a collar like you would living together or for some a marraige of sorts, its a huge commitment and understanding between two people.

Hell just enjoy yourself and approach people you meet online with the same caution and decisions as you would if you met them as a stranger in every day life and you started to get to know each other. People seem to always want to make it complicated because either online is involved or collar is etc. Consider the people you meet online and then go offline with the SAME WAY you treat a stranger you meet and get to know offline. And relationships make it and they don't. Sometimes bad things happen but the majority of it is good. People just use the internet to tell all the scary bad stuff because that's what draws attention. I mean look at what people whinge about -- my dom was mean, he wants this, my slave did this --ALL of it can be compared to what happens in EVERYDAY relationships around the world.

Sometimes -- you just have to jump, some days you will get water up your nose and well we all know what that's like, and some days you will remember to hold your breath and be fine.

Enjoy -- you could be at the beginning of an incredible journey. Of course you could be on a rollar coaster where the train jumps the track. But in the end, if you don't try you will never find out.

angel

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 6/6/2009 5:23:33 AM >

_____________________________


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson


(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: How soon is too Soon - 6/6/2009 6:05:56 AM   
marysdream


Posts: 126
Joined: 5/31/2008
Status: offline 		welcome to our world! i cannot comment because i do not know if this is real time or on line, and anyone that has read my posts, would know how i detest on line! so if you are real time...as others have suggested read and research a lot, and the other is that this is a relationship first no different in feelings and emotions as in vanilla, so follow those truly wonderful intuitive feelings God gave us woman!
be careful
ree! 

(in reply to shaylynne)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: How soon is too Soon - 6/6/2009 6:07:39 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shaylynne

i am new to this lifestyle.  i have always known in my heart who and what i am, but have repressed it for a very long time.  i just recently started exploring this lifestyle.  i am currently under a collar of consideration by my Master, yet many of the people i have spoken to tell me it is way too soon for this step. i have only been in this for about three weeks.  i need some advice on how soon is too soon for this level of activity.

Ok, I am going to be the bitch here.

"Suddenly" discovering yourself does NOT mean that you also lose your common sense.

According to your profile, you are 44 years old. At that age, I am going to assume that you have had relationships in the past and that you know how they work. Saying that you are submissive does not change the rules of how a relationship works.

You are already questioning if you are moving too fast. If you have to question something like that, then chances are you already know that the answer is yes. Your common sense and your instinct are telling you this.

Rely on them and let them guide you; if something feels wrong, chances are it is. If something feels too fast, chances are that it is moving too fast.

Don't rely on what others are telling you;that includes the men/women on this site who call themselves Dominants...a good many of them will say that because you are 'submissive' you should not question anything. That's fucking bullshit. Question EVERYTHING.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to shaylynne)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: How soon is too Soon - 6/6/2009 6:14:34 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Just remember that you get to consider him as much as he gets to consider you. It runs both ways.

Beyond that, have you met for real yet? If not, why? If you can't afford to travel to each other frequently, then do you expect this to magically change once you are collared? Is he making your life more workable or less?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to IrishMist)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: How soon is too Soon - 6/6/2009 9:32:10 AM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shaylynne

i am new to this lifestyle.  i have always known in my heart who and what i am, but have repressed it for a very long time.  i just recently started exploring this lifestyle.  i am currently under a collar of consideration by my Master, yet many of the people i have spoken to tell me it is way too soon for this step. i have only been in this for about three weeks.  i need some advice on how soon is too soon for this level of activity.

i understand you are new to the lifestyle, but you are not new to life. You are 44 years old....a relationship is a relationship..... you have to get along...you have to have trust, chemistry, share the same goals....sense of humor.....


_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to shaylynne)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: How soon is too Soon - 6/6/2009 10:27:11 AM   
VAcontroldom


Posts: 65
Joined: 6/5/2005
Status: offline 		Celeste, I agree with you, but I think it's hard to view this as two way if
1)  Her profile says she is under the protection (whatever that means) of a dominant.  I respect any relationship with any other dominant and that will limit her chances to "consider"
2)  While I'm always opposed to communications limitations, it seems particularly wrong with a new person. 

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: How soon is too Soon - 6/7/2009 11:24:24 AM   
twistedlittlesub


Posts: 4
Joined: 4/19/2009
Status: offline 		i agree with what everyone has to say so far. However, in my opinion a true Dom will take much time and effort to know the submissive. They will back up what they say by their actions and show themselves to be open, honest, and trustworthy. To me anyways, i'm not sure about other people but the true Dom is your teacher, you learn about yourself with Him and are encouraged to better yourself in all ways for Him. To never settle for less than what you deserve. Now, can this be done in a day, a week, a month? Who i am to declare what the appropriate 'courting' time is for anyone? 

Although, I would seriously ask myself if i am being preyed upon because of my 'new to the lifestyle' declaration?

Wishing you all the best in your journey!

Oh and my understanding of Under Protection of a Dom is as follows:

[color=#000000 size=4]A protection collar: this collar is used to give a submissive protection, from any threat be it online or off, the Dom who gives this collar is not in control of this submissive they do NOT belong to the Dom, the Dom is there to not only protect, and help the submissive get thru a "hard time", thru instruction, listening, etc, allowing the submissive the time to find where she wants to go next, to heal from wounds she may have, and feel safe and comfy doing it, this collar is not permanent, usually worn till the submissive feels comfy out on her own.





< Message edited by twistedlittlesub -- 6/7/2009 11:29:08 AM >

_____________________________

-twisted

Ignorance May Be Bliss but Stupidity Is Just Dumb

(in reply to VAcontroldom)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: How soon is too Soon - 6/7/2009 11:55:47 AM   
FatDomDaddy


Posts: 3183
Joined: 1/31/2004
Status: offline 		This is another issue that divides 'The whatever we are calling this thing we do today". into two groups.

1) The people that like to jump right in, explore, enjoy sex and play for sex and plays sake, could care less about hoops and barrels and has no reason to make anyone jump through them. And if it feels right, at that moment go for it with gusto.

and

2) The people who feel an potential partner must prove to them their worthiness, will make sure the potential partner is committed to whatever level of comfort is need it, who think hoops and barrels are necessary, that, that feel sex and play belong within a trusted relationship and never just to play or have sex.

Again, as I mentioned on another thread, the number 2 group tends to distrust and clear out do not like the first group while the number 1's tend not care one way or the other, and think the 2's should just lighten up and have a good time like everyone else .

(in reply to shaylynne)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: How soon is too Soon - 6/7/2009 12:19:46 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		I am afraid I need a bit more information to really give a fair answer to you as well.  My question revolves around how long you have been reading, exploring, etc prior to coming here.  Are you questioning what the collar means or whether you are ready for such a commitment or is it something else entirely?  I don't think it is necessarily so that you can't be this close this quickly, but I think it would have to be in the context of you having first of all some luck and second and wide knowledge base prior to meeting.

I had been reading and learning for two years prior to joining this site.  I had a few ill fated meetings within the first months that did not lead to relationship or play.  I finally decided to message someone who interested me, even though I was not fully excited by everything he was looking for.  We clicked on a very deep level.  Due to life conflicts, we didn't meet for almost two months, but it was intense and very right when we did.  Still I am not technically collared in any way.  To me, that is a commitment of some serious weight and one I wouldn't enter lightly.  He is of the same mind, so we have spent a great deal of time laying the foundation and building the framework for a good life together.  I will say that the time is drawing nearer and I know it.  This is simply my experience and has little bearing on your situation.

How soon is too soon?  That has a lot of variables and only you can make that determination for yourself.  I will caution you that if you are questioning it, then you may already know the answer deep down.  You may just be hear to have it confirmed.  I wish you all the best and for safety and wisdom in these early days.

I had a thread on slave lust (subfrenzy)  some time ago and there was some insight into this phenomenon.  There are many threads here about it and I would encourage you to read them.

lovingpet

<<edited to remove link

< Message edited by lovingpet -- 6/7/2009 12:25:25 PM >

(in reply to FatDomDaddy)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: How soon is too Soon - 6/7/2009 12:28:11 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Let me put this in perspective for you: Let's say you've been allowed to date for the first time. You've been dating for three weeks and not neccessarily the same guy for three weeks. Would you marry some guy at that point in your life?

You've been in this for three weeks. You have very little experience. So, why don't you focus on learning and having fun rather than throwing yourself into a situation where you have no idea what you like, what you're comfortable with and whether or not you even LIKE him.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: How soon is too Soon - 6/7/2009 1:31:30 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shaylynne

i am new to this lifestyle.  i have always known in my heart who and what i am, but have repressed it for a very long time.  i just recently started exploring this lifestyle.  i am currently under a collar of consideration by my Master, yet many of the people i have spoken to tell me it is way too soon for this step. i have only been in this for about three weeks.  i need some advice on how soon is too soon for this level of activity.


You are 44 years old. I have to assume, perhaps wrongly, that you've had romantic relationships at some point in those 44 years. Use the same common sense that got you into, and out of, those relationships. The only person posting on this thread that knows you well enough to know what is best for you, is you.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 6/7/2009 1:32:23 PM >

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to shaylynne)
Profile   Post #: 20
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