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Danibelle -> RE: TPE Trial Period? (6/8/2009 10:03:04 PM)
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I really want to thank everyone for their helpful and thoughtful responses. I'd like to address a couple of specific ideas that I found particularly helpful.
First, to the several people who recommended taking control of smaller things and moving on to bigger and more difficult things, I completely understand the reasoning and idea behind it. If this turns out to be something we'd like to do long term, that seems an excellent way to go about it without feeling overwhelmed or simply attacked. There are things I know he would require of me and I don't think I could handle it all at once. There are some bad habits I know he'd like me to stop. There are also little changes that I know he would require which would be a lot easier. It would probably serve us best to integrate those first and harder ones later if we decide to make this permanent.
To all the suggestions that we should talk about what we want beforehand, I couldn't agree more. Our communication is not perfect, but we do pretty well and I know we could both easily express what we would hope to get out of this.
To Malkinius, thank you very much for your description, I think you hit the nail on the head. It would be a role playing experience and I think it would help us decide if it's what we want. I was watching Kathy Griffin tonight and on her show it was mentioned that internships are great because they help you decide what you may or may not want to do without the long term commitment. If you intern in a job you wind up enjoying then looking for a similar carreer is a good idea. If you don't enjoy it, you've simply gained more experience and knowlege. I also agree with you about the specific end date/time where we will be "on" for the entire time. If either of us had the option to end things when we hit a bump in the road, I think we might be tempted. To know that we HAVE TO get around it would make it a better learning experience. I also agree that he should be able to change the rules along the way as it gives a more realistic feel. Things change over the course of our lives and I will certainly keep your suggestions in mind. So thank you very much for your response, I found it very helpful!
Jeff, that was an incredibly helpful post. It wasn't just WHAT you said, but the feelings and intentions behind it that made it so touching. To answer some of your questions, I would say that I make the majority of the decisions in the house. He usually asks me what I want to do, or where I want to go for dinner, or what movie I want to see. He's a man who wears a uniform to work everyday and oftentimes when we go to a social event he asks me to pick his outfits. His play style is very dominant and, up until he mentioned this to me, I kind of thought that he viewed our home as a "safe haven" where he doesn't have to make decisions or be the strong one. I think he sees it as being easier than taking control. Before we moved in together we saw each other once a week and had gotten to the point where nearly all of our bedroom encounters had a bit of kink to them. We talked about whether or not we wanted to add a D/s dynamic to our relationship and, at the time, we decided not to. And we haven't spoken about it since. It was something we both thought about at the time and I now know it's something we both still think about, at least a little bit. Which is exactly the reason I think we will regret it if we don't try. There are, however, plenty of little things that he does when his dominance tends to come out. From the way we walk on the street, or the way HE decides who drives (I've tried calling driving or not driving and I never really win), or countless other little things he's always done. And yes, when we got lost walking around DC (his fault for trying to take an off the map "shortcut" walking an extra two miles) he took the map and asked around and got us back to the train station.
To me, the biggest fear in trying this is that one of us will come out wanting it permanently and the other will come out against. If that happened, I may have to reevaluate our relationship and see if my desire to continue or forget it differed from his. That's a big risk to me. But I think you're right in that it may still be a better idea to try and find out. Otherwise we're not just denying each other, we're denying ourselves.
I would have to say that yes, he has my best interests at heart. I recently came down with strep throat. Why did I come down with strep? Because I bite my nails to the point of bleeding. Aside from the germs I can contract from touching my hands to my mouth, I also have open cuts on my fingernails, cuticles, and knuckles. I am a VERY BAD nail biter. I know that it's not only unsightly but it's dangerous. Coming from a medical field, and posessing common sense, my boyfriend has pointed this out to me on several ocassions. In the conversation we had where he mentioned a desire for me to submit, he mentioned that he would like to be the one to offer me guidance and support with positive and negative reinforcements to get me to stop biting my nails. But he did mention, which is absolutely true, that I would need to let him in to do just that and take that bit of control from me. It's an example he gave me that made sense to both of us and I'm sharing it with you. So yes, I do think he has my best interests at heart.
Thanks you so much for your wonderful insight and if I have any questions I will certainly send them your way.
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