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RE: What would You say? - 6/7/2009 9:26:47 PM

LotusSong

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I vote for #1 with the exception of ignoring the brother. I just would deal with your feeling of your father as planned. His brother has nothing to do with it all.

Just learn from it all and strive not to be like him.

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RE: What would You say? - 6/7/2009 9:33:25 PM

DomKen

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My father was a cast iron SoB. I despised him when he was alive and don't miss him now. His brother was unhappy with how my father treated us. My relationship with my uncle has been one of the best parts of my life.

Give the man a chance.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 22

RE: What would You say? - 6/7/2009 10:27:05 PM

PanthersMom

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i can understand the urge to piss on the man's grave. will it help you? maybe for a minute or two, to physically express the rage and rejection. but the rest of your father's family doesn't deserve it. maybe they had no idea what happened. sit down with them and discuss it over coffee, then decide what to do. if your uncle wants to get to know you, consider giving him a chance. find out what your father told them about his wife, if anything. find out if they even knew you existed. at the very least get some medical history that may be important down the road. best of luck and keep us posted.
PM

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Post #: 23

RE: What would You say? - 6/7/2009 10:55:21 PM

slaveboyforyou

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You know, I'm sure other people are buried in your father's cemetary. You might want to consider them and their families before you make the irrational decision to drive up and desecrate a grave. It's childish; if you're that angry, go see a therapist.

(in reply to JohnSteed1967)

Post #: 24

RE: What would You say? - 6/8/2009 1:41:39 AM

FullfigRIMAAM1

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My opinion is that you need to grow up, and let go of hate you feel toward someone who is now dead.
As to his brother, he had no responsibility to take you on as his own... It would have been nice, but not his problem or responsibility. M

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Post #: 25

RE: What would You say? - 6/8/2009 7:17:27 AM

DesFIP

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Considering what sort of a person your father was, I doubt your uncle even knew about you or your mother.

But you need to get help to move on instead of staying mired in despair.

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RE: What would You say? - 6/8/2009 7:32:30 AM

Fitznicely

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~FR~

I vote for option 1 - IF, and only IF, you can use it as a cathartic moment to let go of your anger. The symbolism won't be missed, even if there's nobody there to see you do it.

I've always said the best revenge is a good life. You don't know how much involvement your uncle had and you've not stated if he even knew you existed. It may help you to vent your anger on him, but it's probably going to be wildly misplaced if you do. What you have, in that uncle, is an opportunity to get another side of the story that may surprise you. It may not, but the possibility's there.

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Post #: 27

RE: What would You say? - 6/9/2009 1:46:54 PM

NorthernGent

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quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnSteed1967

My Mom was mentally retarded and could not hold a normal job.

I loved my mom, but I was ashamed by the fact that she wasn't like other mom's.

My Father ran off before I was born and it wasn't until I was in college that I learned some of the truth about him. That he treated my mother like a dog.

Telling her that he had syphilis and for her to abort me, otherwise I would be born a mongoloid!!

I am sure you are all glad to know that this bastard is dead and I am going the week after next to West Virgina to piss on his grave.

However, his brother is alive and I have found him too. Would you

1) ignore the hell out of him, complete your trip to the grave and bring this closure to your life.

2) Go to his Apartment and tell him what a sorry Bastard he was for not taking up where his brother failed and supported me and my mom.

3) something else

John I remember your post on your job - seems like you're having a hard time of it all round.

The answer certainly is not to run after a brother who basically has nothing to do with the whole affair and I doubt very much it would bring closure because invariably in these situations there is something deeper going on.

It's not about the brother; it's about you. It's not a nice place to be in but for your own peace of mind you have to move on with your life and leave the past in the past.

It certainly wasn't your Mother's fault but I wouldn't give yourself a hard time because you felt 'ashamed' - bairns are bairns and are learning about life - they haven't arrived at a mature understanding of the complexities of the world. The important thing is that you show compassion for your Mother today - it can't have been nice to not be like other Mothers - I'm sure she felt it too; and life sometimes isn't fair - no one to blame; no one to get even with - just make the best of whatever situation you're in.

If you can't leave the past in the past then you really need to talk to someone and let it all come out so you can put it in the past. There's no point running around after a brother because it isn't really about him.

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(in reply to JohnSteed1967)

Post #: 28

RE: What would You say? - 6/9/2009 3:22:04 PM

pahunkboy

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JOHN, you may phone me.

Check your email for the number.

(in reply to NorthernGent)

Post #: 29

RE: What would You say? - 6/9/2009 3:33:53 PM

sirsholly

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i would not contact your uncle until you get a grip on your anger. You are not ready to talk to this man without casting anger, and possibly blame.

You sound like a man in a great deal of emotional pain. Anger is the easiest emotion to deal with, so we use it as a smokescreen for other emotions, more deeply hidden and more painful. The negative emotions you have can and will destroy you over time if you do not get a handle on them.

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Post #: 30

RE: What would You say? - 6/9/2009 3:37:50 PM

LaTigresse

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3 get therapy and get over it.

There are no guarantees that come with birth aside from life (for however long) and death (whenever that happens). How you handle all that living is entirely up to you. It can continue to be angry and bitter, spilling over on innocent people, or you can drag your ass out of the cesspool it's in right now and live a life of joy.

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to JohnSteed1967)

Post #: 31

RE: What would You say? - 6/9/2009 3:43:07 PM

pahunkboy

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From: Central Pennsylvania
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

i would not contact your uncle until you get a grip on your anger. You are not ready to talk to this man without casting anger, and possibly blame.

You sound like a man in a great deal of emotional pain. Anger is the easiest emotion to deal with, so we use it as a smokescreen for other emotions, more deeply hidden and more painful. The negative emotions you have can and will destroy you over time if you do not get a handle on them.

Please think on this prior to acting. John, you are special. You are important. You are a kind hearted man and right now you are upset.

You have my phone number.

(in reply to sirsholly)

Post #: 32

RE: What would You say? - 6/10/2009 7:22:09 PM

UncleNasty

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Piss on his grave if you are inclined. You may never have another opportunity to do this and your later regrets may be strong.

Your uncle probably had little or no control or influence over the situation. Apportioning blame to him is probably not legitimate.

Your feelings of anger are valid. Do not let them control you, your actions or your behavior.

Uncle Nasty

(in reply to pahunkboy)

Post #: 33

RE: What would You say? - 6/10/2009 7:53:35 PM

pahunkboy

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http://www.findagrave.com/ <-- this is where you can put graves online. post the dude and express yourself. It is quick and easy. Just know that -- it will be seen by the public. So think before you press send. :-)

(in reply to UncleNasty)

Post #: 34

RE: What would You say? - 6/11/2009 8:08:55 AM

brandi1379

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Joined: 3/3/2009
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Its easy for ppl who have never been in this situation to say "get over it" or "grow up", but I totally know where your coming from. My sperm donor is a worthless piece of crap. I was raised by my mom till i was about 5 then she married my "dad" whom adopted me and gave me his last name. I didnt know that my "dad" wasnt my real dad till i was about 21 and thats awhole nother story in its self. Anyway, I hunted my sperm donor down so i could let him know i knew about him and he totaly ran me into the ground. His mother had recently passed and was rather wealthy and he accused me of trying to get some kind of inheartince outa it. Which broke my heart to say the least. After that i had alot and i mean ALOT of anger and animosity towrds him, it was interfearing with my marrige, the way i was with my own son. Then i realized it wasnt worth it, it was dragging me down to his level and i was better then that. So i sat down and wrote him a letter, and that thing was as thick as a book and covered with tear stains, but after i got done i had let out all i needed to let out and felt a little better. So to my advice for you and you can take it as u see fit..... Dont lower yourself to his level, your better then he is, and as far as looking up his brother, i wouldnt throw your burdens onto him. He might not know all the dirty things your father did, if u wanted to get in conntact with him i would call and have coffee or something, get to know the man as a person, not as your fathers brother. He might be able to help you through your anger.

Hoped i helped a lil

(in reply to pahunkboy)

Post #: 35

RE: What would You say? - 6/11/2009 8:48:04 AM

VirginPotty

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quote:

You know, I'm sure other people are buried in your father's cemetary. You might want to consider them and their families before you make the irrational decision to drive up and desecrate a grave.

I'm going to have to agree with Slaveboy on this one. If I visited someone's grave & saw someone nearby using the cemetary as a urinal...........well, that would just be more pain & shock added to an already full plate but I'm going to say that I don't think you meant literally "piss on his grave". Do what brandi suggested & write everything down that brewing inside of you but instead of keeping the letter, take it to the grave & read it out loud to him then when you're done, leave the letter in lieu of flowers.

**Eta, not that you were considering taking flowers**

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Post #: 36

RE: What would You say? - 6/11/2009 8:51:01 AM

Toppingfrmbottom

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It is never any one elses job to take up where dead beat daddy left off, and if you think so please get some therapy and mental help.

quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnSteed1967

I am sure you are all glad to know that this bastard is dead and I am going the week after next to West Virgina to piss on his grave. However, his brother is alive and I have found him too. Would you

2) Go to his Apartment and tell him what a sorry Bastard he was for not taking up where his brother failed and supported me and my mom.

(in reply to JohnSteed1967)

Post #: 37

RE: What would You say? - 6/11/2009 12:57:17 PM

pahunkboy

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The key item in all this is a letter he found.

It sounds like a cat fight over a man. Woman can be very vindictive and fight to win a guy over. It sounds to me that - that is what the letter was. A desperate attempt to win a man who was not interested in her for LTR.

So would it be any different John if you never seen the letter? You looked at a letter that was not addressed to you. You read things that upset you. But that letter was not yours to read.    ...the postal service might have a rule on this.

So some bitch tried to nail your daddy.   This happens all the time! I guarantee you.   My local newspaper there is always a fight.... often over so called love.

....the best revenge is living well.   and that my friend is what you should do. live well.

Vent your feelings- go thru the emotions.   then move on and live well.      because in the end- this was a cat fight over a man.

(ducks-- because I hope I nailed the wording right)

(in reply to Toppingfrmbottom)

Post #: 38

RE: What would You say? - 6/11/2009 3:10:26 PM

oceanwinds

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Life happens and we all been screwed in one manner or another. I do not know a soul who has not been hurt and had the scars to show for it, be it outside, inside or both.

I am sorry you are like everyone else and having to deal with pain. Your father was an insensitive man, from what you said, and yet who was insensitive to him and helped him to create his patterns. Will you be the one to break these binds? Only you know.

To throw a monkey wench in this, perhaps it is karma being paid back from another lifetime? I see things in that way and have thanks those who cut me deeply in the past in paying my debt to them.

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Post #: 39

RE: What would You say? - 6/12/2009 8:57:52 AM

BrokenSaint

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You want to play the blame game. Okay good. We're past that. Your father being a sorry sonofabitch, has absolutely nothing to do with your uncle. You just found him, is he even aware you actually exist in the first place? Judge him by his own merits, after you meet him. Which I recommend doing, once of course you're calm enough to do so. I doubt you are ready quite yet.

Your father may have been an ass sure. But y'know whats better than pissing on his grave? You being alive. He however is worm food. There, there's your satisfaction. Hell, my father was an ass too for a large portion of my life. Quite a bit of alcohol and drug abuse, fights, etc. Didn't see hide nor hair of him for over 10 years. By choice (yes, I was an anggrryyy little child). Being rather inquisitive as well, Much later in my life I started to examine what I knew about the situation and find out more from both sides. I met my father, saw the man he is now. Which is not even close to the man he was then, and forgave sins of the past, whatever they may have been. Your own father may not have grown. He may have been the same man who left you all those years ago. He may never have changed. You probably will never know. It's a moot point. I won't stand on a hilltop preaching forgiveness to you, I'd be the last to do that. But hating him is wasting your time.

However, punishing someone else because they were not there for you, when they had no responsibility to do so, is shooting yourself in the foot. Talk to him, find out more, knowing him may be worth it. He may be a good man, and you'd never know if you walked in guns ablazing so to speak. Even if you end up hating him too, you'll be glad you went eventually.

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Post #: 40

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