RE: Fear and loathing.

RE: Fear and loathing. (Full Version)

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Lockit -> RE: Fear and loathing. (6/8/2009 12:14:13 PM)
Marc brings up a very good point! Listen to him! lol We are all different. For me personally I even say it in my profile, though few read that... I don't see a submissive male as lower or less. We are equal, just different. I do believe that my partner/submissive should be pleased! I want to know what pleases him! The happier he is, the happier I am! He doesn't tell me when... he tells me what he likes and I decide when and how often. I am in charge. I will ask when getting to know someone, what they like, what they are interested in and what fantasy they might have. I go from there. It is a mutual thing and we feed off of one another. The more he likes it, the more I can feed. That doesn't mean I am pleasing him to get or keep a man... it means I care about him and want him happy... on my terms. lol

Starbuck09 -> RE: Fear and loathing. (6/8/2009 12:45:44 PM)
I agree with Lockit Marc I think you've offered me some sound advice. I don't mind having to search harder for what I want it is just nice to have the knowledge that such opportunities exist which is something that, previously, I was unsure about. Thankyou again for taking the time to compose a reply it is much appreciated.

MistressDolly -> RE: Fear and loathing. (6/8/2009 4:44:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Starbuck09 Snip: I completely understand the need for some [or possibly most] submissives to feel as if they are genuinely beneath the object of their desires but I don't in fact a woman who thought I was actually disgusting would deeply hurt me. That does not mean, in my opinion, when engaged in a scene that I am not capable of being totally submissive, it is just that I have a healthy [or at least I like to think of it as healthy!] respect for myself and the person I am, I think i'm nice, kind, intelligent, compassionate and so forth. I don't mind having to search harder for what I want it is just nice to have the knowledge that such opportunities exist which is something that, previously, I was unsure about. I tend to be in the minority in that I prefer and enjoy the components of inequality which encompass M/s and D/s relationships. In addition, I do not believe people in relationships must be equal to be valuable; my dogs are not equal to me, yet they are my most prized possessions and I love them just the same. Nevertheless, I think you will have much success in finding an egalitarian relationship with a twist of kink in places like collarme.com and even match.com. Less and less people seem to view kinky relationships with scorn nowadays and I bet you may even find many women quite easily receptive to sexual experimentation. If you're clear and upfront, such opportunities will definitely present themselves before you!

LovingMistress45 -> RE: Fear and loathing. (6/8/2009 6:46:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Starbuck09 I worry that in a relationship with a mistress, whether professional or otherwise, that despite the fact that I would be acting out a fantasy I would be left cold as the person I was sharing that fantasy with was either not enjoying it [or at least not enjoying me but the act itself] or viewed me as beneath them. I can only speak for myself, but I don't do things I don't enjoy - one of the pluses of being dominant. I also would never be with anyone that I veiwed as beneath me. There are many different levels on which someone can enjoy something. I get pleasure at times from denying pleasure to my partner (it's that sadistic streak) or from causing pain (sadist again) and other times I get pleasure from his/her pleasure (that is the loving part of my id). There are lots of things that arouse me from moans, pleads, tears to sounds/signs of ecstasy. It's something I have a real problem with as my guilt, that a dominant partner would rather not be doing what they are and would prefer me to be dominant [or at least play a traditional role] or are enjoying it only as they enjoy inflicting a degree of suffering on someone they see as worthy of contempt, makes it difficut for me to ask a mistress to play in this way as I feel it places an unfair burden on them. Here again I would not be with someone worthy of my contempt. As for the other - I am dominant. That is true all the time. I have no desire to dominanted - not a turn on at all. Actually, when a couple of men have tried it all that has happened is they have one pissed off woman on their hands and not for very long as I don't put up with that shit. Now that said besides being a sadist I am also a sexual masochist, however make no mistake I always remain in charge and it had better be done the way I want it, when I want it and you better follow instructions. I'm going to Sandhurst in September and before I go I would like the chance to seriously explore my masochistic side but this is holding me back, I have considered visiting a professional dominatrix - I don't think you will get what you are looking for from a pro-dominatrix. You want a connection with the person you are with. I would suggest trying to find some local groups and getting to know some of the Dommes. I have played with new people and for the most part they have become friends even if it didn't lead to a romantic relationship. Kink between friends can be quite fun. Try to relax and enjoy your journey.

Starbuck09 -> RE: Fear and loathing. (6/8/2009 9:22:15 PM)
Mistress Dolly and Loving Mistress, thankyou for replying, i'm glad it seems that I was wrong in my fears and it's very much appreciated that you have allayed them. I also suspect you are quite right about seeing a pro LovingMistress.

ShaktiSama -> RE: Fear and loathing. (6/10/2009 11:41:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Starbuck09 Sex is very important to me and something I enjoy alot whether vanilla or otherwise, but much of my enjoyment comes from the knowledge that my partner is enjoying the experience equally Just a brief response to the OP, without any attempt to advise. Most people who are worthwhile lovers, regardless of sex and orientation, feel the same way about this that you do. Sex is important, we all have fantasies and needs, but there's a balance between our own pleasure and the pleasure of our partners. And most of us don't enjoy something that our partners are not able to enjoy with/for us. Fulfilling a man's fantasies is fun and sexy--so long as the man is someone whose fantasies I care to fulfill. Fulfilling my own fantasies is fun too, but trying to do that with someone who isn't really digging it is worse than pointless--it actually spoils things. Seems to me that you're over-thinking this thing. Most lifestyle dommes are in it because they enjoy it, and they'll ask you about your fantasies because they want to know. Even pro dommes often enjoy their sessions; not all of them are sex workers who choose bdsm because they think it's "easy money".

Andalusite -> RE: Fear and loathing. (6/10/2009 7:37:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Starbuck09 However i've been in relationships with dominant women before but I find [and I fully accept that this could be nonsense] myself feeling that often what these women want is a break from a submissive partner and instead actually want to be taken in hand so to speak. I don't mind doing this, during vanilla sexual sessions I am usually dominant anyway but I would like sometimes to be able to be fully submissive without feeling like it is something of a burden to my partner to act this out. The other ladies here have already addressed that by and large, we don't want "lowly worm" types who have no self-confidence, and that we don't view submissives as lesser creatures. I do want to address the part about being "taken in hand." I'm a switch, and am even open to switching with the same person within the same relationship on a top/bottom level. If I was in a relationship with someone who self-identified as submissive, and who hadn't expressed any sadistic tendencies, and he tried to dominate/control me, I'd be angry, and would stop the play in its tracks. Topping unexpectedly I might be able to roll with, though we'd discuss it thoroughly afterward. Perhaps that's partly a semantics issue - I associate the phrase with Christian websites which are focused on the man as head-of-household and a domestic discipline or very vanilla domineering relationship. While I am a Christian, I don't do D/s or BDSM based on Biblical roles.

Starbuck09 -> RE: Fear and loathing. (6/10/2009 8:03:36 PM)
Andalusite you're right about the first part of your post, and i'm glad that so many have clarified the point I was worried but that worry seems to be groundless thankyou for adding to that. With regards to the second part of the post I think i didn't make myself clear enough in the post you quoted. I didn't mean to say that those women wanted me to top them in the sense that it is used here [certainly they didn't want me to be sadistic] only that they seemed to like me to just be a normal traditional man, I can see how constantly being dominant could be very stresssful as well as pleasurable and occasionally it might be nice to be able to switch off, not to change places but just to try something else. But obviously that as well could be wrong I only wanted to clear up what I meant that's all i'm sorry if it was ambiguous.

Starbuck09 -> RE: Fear and loathing. (6/10/2009 8:05:23 PM)
Shaktisama thankyou for the post it is very much appreciated and like you say it appears that I have been simply over thinking an issue of largely my own devising. Thanks for taking the time to point it out to me.

Andalusite -> RE: Fear and loathing. (6/10/2009 8:09:35 PM)
No problem! I understand what you mean - sometimes Dommes just want to make love, rather than specifically incorporating the kink, either because that's what they're in the mood for right then, or because they actively prefer to keep S/M and sex separate for various reasons. I don't associate vanilla lovemaking with the man being Dominant, but I can certainly understand a Domme wanting the man to take the initiative or be on top or whatever. I guess I associated that particular phrase with getting some kind of Dr. Laura lecture on the man being the ruler of the wife, or else the purported submissive trying to grab a handful of my hair and telling me "take it for me, bitch!" or something. D/s involves a lot of negotiation - I wouldn't want it being sprung on me unexpectedly (with a new partner - having someone surprise me within a relationship in ways I've consented to is wonderful, of course).

Starbuck09 -> RE: Fear and loathing. (6/10/2009 8:38:22 PM)
God no andaslusite [what does the name mean by the way?] I don't know who Dr. Laura is but he or she sounds like a complete pillock. Like you said I think it's nice to spice things up some times even if by spice you mean make things a little more vanilla from time to time.

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