Breaking in a "new" Dom

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ownedjulia -> Breaking in a "new" Dom (6/9/2009 1:24:19 PM)
My owner has found a younger, second Dom for me who is quite new the scene but very much an alpha male and eager to learn. Whilst i don't mind showing Him a few things and i know that Master has gone through a several things with Him what's the best way of breaking someone new in? i really don't want to top from the bottom or to make Him feel like He has any less power. Thanks for any suggestions

StoneFox -> RE: Breaking in a "new" Dom (6/9/2009 2:04:35 PM)
From a sub...even an experienced one...a phrase like "breaking in" when referring to a Dominant is not very flattering at all. I think most of the mentoring needs to come from your owner and for your own part, simply talking a lot about things you like/don't like/hard limits/etc BEFORE a scene is really helpful. Play with safewords (and I know not everyone does) and make your communications, both verbal and non-verbal, as clear as possible during the scene. Also, be patient and forgiving when things don't go as smoothly as you're used to with more experienced older Dominants. It's tough to be a young new Dom/me...such a different experience from entering the scene as a sub (I'm guessing...I've never been a sub, only know what submissive friends have related). There's a lot of pressure as far as what we should know and the expectations on us. So yeah...patience helps [:)]

ownedjulia -> RE: Breaking in a "new" Dom (6/9/2009 2:25:59 PM)
i got told off for using the term introducing a new Dom when i posted the question on another board... seems there is no way to win....

kitastrophe33 -> RE: Breaking in a "new" Dom (6/9/2009 3:03:28 PM)
My partner is very new to all this and we don't have the benefit of a more experienced dom to help him learn. For him, the mental hurdle took time. Once he got over that, the physical came easier. I took it very slow. From day one, I submitted to him without him asking me to. I know he likes massages, so I offered them frequently, responding with "I know you like them. And I like pleasing you," when he thanked me. Later, I responded a lot to his requests with, "are you asking me to do that, or just hoping maybe I will?" Just as a friendly reminder that it was reasonable for him to ask me to do something with the expectation that I will comply. I always compliment him when I see that dominant side of him shining. I thank him for correcting me and tell him how hot it was when he did whatever. I also write a lot for him. Fantasies I have. The things in my head when he did whatever he did... I do that not because I'm trying to top from the bottom, but because he's got great ideas in his head and I want him to know that he's not going to offend me or scare me or anything else. While he likes making me uncomfortable...even hurting me a little, neither of us are very into hardcore S&M. I would do it for him and coming from him, probably like it. He knows that and if he ever wants to explore that aspect, there is a place here that offers workshops on skills like that... So yeah, the best way I've found to help him without topping from the bottom is to be very open with my fantasies (while still mentioning other potential perspectives) and by complimenting the hell out of him when I can see him trying something out. I compliment him even if it wasn't my personal thing. I compliment him and ask him how it felt for him. These strategies are working really well. He's come really far, says he's never felt like I was trying to take too much control, and has thanked me for being patient while he explores this. I dunno...my 2 cents. Good luck!

breatheasone -> RE: Breaking in a "new" Dom (6/9/2009 8:13:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kitastrophe33 My partner is very new to all this and we don't have the benefit of a more experienced dom to help him learn. For him, the mental hurdle took time. Once he got over that, the physical came easier. I took it very slow. From day one, I submitted to him without him asking me to. I know he likes massages, so I offered them frequently, responding with "I know you like them. And I like pleasing you," when he thanked me. Later, I responded a lot to his requests with, "are you asking me to do that, or just hoping maybe I will?" Just as a friendly reminder that it was reasonable for him to ask me to do something with the expectation that I will comply. I always compliment him when I see that dominant side of him shining. I thank him for correcting me and tell him how hot it was when he did whatever. I also write a lot for him. Fantasies I have. The things in my head when he did whatever he did... I do that not because I'm trying to top from the bottom, but because he's got great ideas in his head and I want him to know that he's not going to offend me or scare me or anything else. While he likes making me uncomfortable...even hurting me a little, neither of us are very into hardcore S&M. I would do it for him and coming from him, probably like it. He knows that and if he ever wants to explore that aspect, there is a place here that offers workshops on skills like that... So yeah, the best way I've found to help him without topping from the bottom is to be very open with my fantasies (while still mentioning other potential perspectives) and by complimenting the hell out of him when I can see him trying something out. I compliment him even if it wasn't my personal thing. I compliment him and ask him how it felt for him. These strategies are working really well. He's come really far, says he's never felt like I was trying to take too much control, and has thanked me for being patient while he explores this. I dunno...my 2 cents. Good luck! What she said, and patience. He will come along in his own time.....try to be patient.[:)]

leadership527 -> RE: Breaking in a "new" Dom (6/9/2009 8:54:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ownedjulia My owner has found a younger, second Dom for me who is quite new the scene but very much an alpha male and eager to learn. Good news then... alpha males don't worry about people "topping from the bottom", "training them", or all the other signs of weak ego. If he's really an alpha male, just tell him what you know... in plain english... no fol-de-rol trying to find some sub way to say whatever. That'd just annoy me. Put another way, if I wanted you to train me, I'd expect you to do it in the most direct and expedient way possible, not worry about my poor frail domly ego.

Calandra -> RE: Breaking in a "new" Dom (6/9/2009 11:58:52 PM)
Another point I didn't see mentioned: Sometimes it is more beneficial to INSPIRE the right response than to instruct it. There is nothing more inspiring than a slave who knows their place and their job in the household. Just watching a skilled sub/slave is rewarding and informative.

StoneFox -> RE: Breaking in a "new" Dom (6/10/2009 2:55:57 AM)
Very well said. Especially since Dominance can't even exist without....submission :)

SaintSavant -> RE: Breaking in a "new" Dom (6/10/2009 4:05:32 AM)
Hopefully, for his sake, he will realise that topping from the bottom could be a great education for him and the benefits he will receive far outweigh any slight ego bruising. I am biased here, because ten years ago I was introduced to BDSM by an older, experienced sub you very patiently and gently taught me a lot by working with me in an encouraging, respectful manner.

leadership527 -> RE: Breaking in a "new" Dom (6/10/2009 6:44:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Calandra Sometimes it is more beneficial to INSPIRE the right response than to instruct it. Yup, three cheers for this comment also. Although my suspicion is that in the beginning, there's going to be more instruction and less inspiration. It is certainly true for me now (at the 1.5 year mark), that Carol helps me to get back on track more by submitting than instructing. As she goes more sub, I kind of naturally get my dom groove on.

Andalusite -> RE: Breaking in a "new" Dom (6/11/2009 8:26:59 AM)
They can do a lot of co-topping without you doing any overt training, and he can witness some of the D/s rituals that the two of you share. I agree that secure Dominants don't whine about submissives "topping from the bottom" a lot, though.

DMFParadox -> RE: Breaking in a "new" Dom (8/2/2009 12:58:18 AM)
Woman, meeting someone like you would have saved my first few submissives from a lot of painful misunderstandings. Thank you for this. quote: ORIGINAL: kitastrophe33 My partner is very new to all this and we don't have the benefit of a more experienced dom to help him learn. For him, the mental hurdle took time. Once he got over that, the physical came easier. I took it very slow. From day one, I submitted to him without him asking me to. I know he likes massages, so I offered them frequently, responding with "I know you like them. And I like pleasing you," when he thanked me. Later, I responded a lot to his requests with, "are you asking me to do that, or just hoping maybe I will?" Just as a friendly reminder that it was reasonable for him to ask me to do something with the expectation that I will comply. I always compliment him when I see that dominant side of him shining. I thank him for correcting me and tell him how hot it was when he did whatever. I also write a lot for him. Fantasies I have. The things in my head when he did whatever he did... I do that not because I'm trying to top from the bottom, but because he's got great ideas in his head and I want him to know that he's not going to offend me or scare me or anything else. While he likes making me uncomfortable...even hurting me a little, neither of us are very into hardcore S&M. I would do it for him and coming from him, probably like it. He knows that and if he ever wants to explore that aspect, there is a place here that offers workshops on skills like that... So yeah, the best way I've found to help him without topping from the bottom is to be very open with my fantasies (while still mentioning other potential perspectives) and by complimenting the hell out of him when I can see him trying something out. I compliment him even if it wasn't my personal thing. I compliment him and ask him how it felt for him. These strategies are working really well. He's come really far, says he's never felt like I was trying to take too much control, and has thanked me for being patient while he explores this. I dunno...my 2 cents. Good luck! quote: My partner is very new to all this and we don't have the benefit of a more experienced dom to help him learn. For him, the mental hurdle took time. Once he got over that, the physical came easier. I took it very slow. From day one, I submitted to him without him asking me to. I know he likes massages, so I offered them frequently, responding with "I know you like them. And I like pleasing you," when he thanked me. Later, I responded a lot to his requests with, "are you asking me to do that, or just hoping maybe I will?" Just as a friendly reminder that it was reasonable for him to ask me to do something with the expectation that I will comply. I always compliment him when I see that dominant side of him shining. I thank him for correcting me and tell him how hot it was when he did whatever. I also write a lot for him. Fantasies I have. The things in my head when he did whatever he did... I do that not because I'm trying to top from the bottom, but because he's got great ideas in his head and I want him to know that he's not going to offend me or scare me or anything else. While he likes making me uncomfortable...even hurting me a little, neither of us are very into hardcore S&M. I would do it for him and coming from him, probably like it. He knows that and if he ever wants to explore that aspect, there is a place here that offers workshops on skills like that... So yeah, the best way I've found to help him without topping from the bottom is to be very open with my fantasies (while still mentioning other potential perspectives) and by complimenting the hell out of him when I can see him trying something out. I compliment him even if it wasn't my personal thing. I compliment him and ask him how it felt for him. These strategies are working really well. He's come really far, says he's never felt like I was trying to take too much control, and has thanked me for being patient while he explores this. I dunno...my 2 cents. Good luck!

leadership527 -> RE: Breaking in a "new" Dom (8/2/2009 10:30:24 AM)
oops

kiwisub12 -> RE: Breaking in a "new" Dom (8/2/2009 12:28:07 PM)
In my relationship, my Sir expects me to give him feedback, honestly. If, with your new dom you do the same, then both of you will learn together what works for you as a couple. It's more of a mutual exploration of your relationship than a teacher/pupil dynamic, and i would guess, would be more satisfying for the two of you. I have noticed that naturally dominant men aren't threatened by instruction from others - they tend to intergrate the knowledge and use it to their satisfaction, rather than get pissy about who gave them the info.

antipode -> RE: Breaking in a "new" Dom (8/3/2009 5:47:01 AM)
quote: My owner has found a younger, second Dom for me If your owner isn't doing the training something is screwed up - perhaps your owner has lost interest, or you are changing orientation.

Missokyst -> RE: Breaking in a "new" Dom (8/3/2009 9:25:23 AM)
You just hit on why it irks me when people get all head up about topping from the bottom. Telling someone what you know or teaching them is not topping from the bottom! Bratting to get what you want or manipulating them into playing is, if they are not aware of this behavior and seek it out. And OMG.. lol the horror of knowing more.. shoot it is as if they feel the poor dominant could not handle it. It might crush their widdle feelings. DANG.. If any man I was seeing felt that way I would see him as insecure. quote: ORIGINAL: leadership527 quote: ORIGINAL: ownedjulia My owner has found a younger, second Dom for me who is quite new the scene but very much an alpha male and eager to learn. Good news then... alpha males don't worry about people "topping from the bottom", "training them", or all the other signs of weak ego. If he's really an alpha male, just tell him what you know... in plain english... no fol-de-rol trying to find some sub way to say whatever. That'd just annoy me. Put another way, if I wanted you to train me, I'd expect you to do it in the most direct and expedient way possible, not worry about my poor frail domly ego.

Mercnbeth -> RE: Breaking in a "new" Dom (8/3/2009 9:29:50 AM)
although this slave has never been in your particular situation, this slave would hazard a guess that it depends on the specific activity...the individual's unique path...and the goal of the pairing(s). this slave wasn't new to submission, but she was brand new to BDSM when Master found her. it might be a distinction worth noting---"breaking in a new Top" vs. "breaking in a new Dom"---depending on your personal definition of terms and what the interaction will consist of. He gave her things to read, websites to explore and participate in as a member (like this one), took her to public events and dungeon spaces, joined a local group with a clubhouse, attended munches---not just one but several---described all the items in the toy bag, experimented with different implements and scenarios, answered her newbie questions and asked her thoughtful questions in return, introduced her to other folks who are involved in some way with WIITWD, but most importantly: allowed this slave to be naked, not just physically...with Him, as we explored all of those things together.

pleasuredancer -> RE: Breaking in a "new" Dom (8/6/2009 9:45:47 AM)
My last relationship was with someone who wasn't sure he liked hitting women and, though he thought he would love controlling one, never really did. The relationship was a bit clunky for that reason. But everyone new to topping and doming needs a good bottom/submissive to learn with, so your guy is lucky. He has someone to teach him, what he probably needs from you are your reactions to what he does. Without judgment, tell him how it felt when he hit "there". Tell him what you liked when he told you do to "that". Give him feedback without telling him what is wrong and right. Luckily, he has your master to tell him that part.

pleasuredancer -> RE: Breaking in a "new" Dom (8/6/2009 10:49:59 AM)
That last post, first sentence, should say that he never had the opportunity to control a woman.

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