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stella41b -> RE: New to lifestyle and needing advice (9/4/2009 11:32:34 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: antipode
quote:
ive never seen him....its long distance right now
I am not seeing the strong willed person here. A long distance relationship is between two people who know each other, but live or work in different places. You are having a cyber relationship, which is basically an electronic fantasy with someone you know nothing about. Presenting it here as if it were a real relationship between people is a bit dysfunctional, especially since you call it a long distance relationship. If it helps you understand, distance is not a factor in a cyber relationship, he could be next door. If he has not made any moves to have a cup of coffee with you, you will never meet him, and it will never become a long distance relationship.
I disagree with this collection of assumptions, or opinion as it were, because if you were to meet someone face to face for the very first time hoping to start a relationship with them (which happens in clubs and bars and other places all over the world) then you still don't know anything about that person - so what is it? A fantasy?
And exactly how you do get to that stage of knowing someone in your definition of a relationship without communicating with the other person and attempting to get to know them? Eh? Osmosis? Divine intervention? Intuition? Clairvoyancy? Wave a magic wand and shout 'Abracadabra!'?
Pray tell me how do you know that neither of these people have any intention of meeting each other? Are you reading tea leaves or something?
I'm sorry but if you have an intention of having a long term relationship with someone else, and they you (which you assume judging by their responses) then that relationship exists the very moment you interact with that other person. And it's my opinion, based on my own experiences and that of others I know, that the interaction where you are finding out about that other person and communicating with them is the getting to know you and this isn't just a stage of the relationship but a major component of the entire relationship.
Antipode if the woman of your dreams started messaging you from Alaska and was determined to get to know you I'm sure you would change your tune and part of me wishes this would happen. You're a great guy and I like a lot of the things you post and I know that you're not a fan of the online route. But please, the OP has got herself into a bit of a pickle, she's new to the lifestyle, and calling her dysfunctional and pissing in her wheaties over this relationship she's got herself into isn't going to help her much, is it?
That saying, and moving on to the OP it would appear that you have got yourself indeed into some sort of a pickle. You claim to be new to the lifestyle, unsure of whether you are submissive or not, you've already given your heart and your love to this man (despite not having met him), and you're not sure whether it's down to the distance or that the lifestyle isn't truly for you.
I would venture that it's the former - the distance. I agree a lot with what Osidegirl has already posted, submission is a process, a journey, and it is such because you are looking side yourself, exploring, and making discoveries.
Only I can't see how you can do this effectively without having a face to face relationship with a dominant with whom you can interact and from which you can learn from through your interactions. Him giving you instructions by text and via electronic means and you enjoy pleasing him is all the information you can ever get from this relationship - you enjoy pleasing men.
Well so do dominant women who are in relationships with submissive men. Pleasing someone and submitting to someone aren't really the same thing in my book.
So okay, you've made some pretty big mistakes, and the only consolation I have to offer you here is that I've made some even dumber mistakes, and we've all made some pretty major mistakes when we were just getting into this lifestyle, so please don't feel singled out or less than any one of us here who've responded.
You can either continue the relationship as it is knowing that you're never going to get that chance to explore your submission until you meet and come face to face with this man, and hold out for that time, or accept that you've made an error of judgment, let go, and move to find a better and more fulfilling relationship.
However irrespective of what you decide I can only offer the following suggestions.
1. Don't allow yourself to become involved in superficial relationships. I have a close friend who's a female submissive and who at times has ridden an emotional rollercoaster through simply interacting with and becoming involved too quickly with the wrong male doms. Being submissive doesn't mean weak, it doesn't mean stupid, and it places you under no additional obligation to become involved with someone than anyone else. I'm not saying that you're any of these things, but there's a common perception that male doms far outweigh the number of female submissives, and yes, some of them will use every trick in the book to try and get you involved in a relationship with them. Actually I'm more inclined to believe that the numbers of those who are quality dominants and quality submissives who are aware, balanced and able to form good relationships pretty much even out. Strive to find a quality dominant through using your intuition and gut feeling and strive to become a quality female submissive. I could say try not to be fooled, but that's difficult especially when you often can't see it coming.
2. Long distance relationships - think once, think twice, think three times.. Most of my relationships have been long distance ones, and most of them have worked out to varying degrees, but some haven't. I'm not prepared to consider a long distance relationship with anyone where there isn't very powerful mutual attraction and where I have no way of knowing how or roughly when we are going to meet right at the start. I'm not interested in a cyber relationship or a relationship which doesn't go anywhere, I don't form superficial relationships (I did once, but found I much prefer loneliness) because I know that a long distance relationship is incredibly risky, hard work, involves sacrifice, and can ruin your life if it doesn't work out. 'Is this worth the risk of losing everything I have and having my life reduced to zero?' is the question you ask when contemplating starting something with someone over long distance.
3. Build a support network of friends in the lifestyle. This lifestyle isn't just about relationships, it's also about friends and people who are there to support you. They meet together at munches, events, clubs, and at private parties. Go out to munches, browse profiles for potential friends, make friendships, go out with friends to places, meet others who are in relationships, talk with them, interact with them, learn from them. And you never know, someone might know someone who might be interested in you, and you them.
4. Look for wood, not for trees. Make the effort to get to know someone before you decide to submit to them. This isn't a race or a reality TV show, and as far as I'm aware nobody has ever won an award, money or even got anywhere fast by being able to find themselves quickly in a dynamic. It doesn't matter whether it'#s Master and slave, Daddy and little girl, husband and wife, Sir and pet, the beginning always looks more or less the same, you get to who each other first before you start calling each other 'Sir' and 'slut'. The more genuine male doms will confidently approach you as a person, want to get to know you, know when to take control, how, and will make the effort to get to know you and understand you.
5. Look after your heart, and it will look after you. You only have one heart, so please be careful who you give it to. You can lots of weird and wonderful toys in any toybox but you will never find someone's heart among them. This isn't a game, and hearts are not toys, because unlike most toys hearts get broken very easily. I'm not saying here be overly-cautious or don't pay heed to your dreams. That only seems to cause bitterness and regret, and there are a few here who do seem to be thinking 'if only I...' Life is short, much shorter than you think and some of those better opportunities may not come back a second time. By all means chase your dreams, even to the other side of the world if necessary and don't give up, but please always make sure that the dreams you chase are realistic ones. So please take care of your heart, and look for those who will help you take care of your heart with you.
Whatever happens I wish you well, and happiness.
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