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KneelforAnne -> RE: Moving in too fast (6/13/2009 9:19:08 PM)
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“I do not regret the things I have done because I can always look back and remember the reasons why I did them regardless of how they worked out.”
I agree that regrets are generally a waste of time. Instead of feeling bad about a situation, I try and use them as a learning experience…take what I found out about myself and apply that to the next situation.
“You see I take responsibility for my OWN actions and never blame someone else for how things worked out.”
This seems to be a wise way too look at things. I don’t mean to say that I blame others for how things worked out, rather that I am learning what works for me…what speaks to me…what it takes for me to really respond.
“I am the common denominator in all my relationships”
Agreed.
“regardless of how things worked out I only have myself to blame.”
Not to get too into the nitty-gritty, but I don’t like the word blame. Why does anyone have to be at fault? I’ve had things end badly, but it was because I didn’t ask the right questions, or really listen to the answers. I didn’t pay attention to what they did, rather than what they said. Do I blame them? No. I wasn’t observant enough, or didn’t listen to that little voice in my head that was telling me to watch out. Do I blame myself? No. I think that falls under the heading of regret, and isn’t something that I dwell on. Did I learn? Yes, I think so.
“This is why I have no issue being physical with someone on a first, second, or eightyth date because no matter what I am always responsible and I am willing to accept that responsibility and never blame someone else for it”
I’m not sure, but perhaps I missed something. I’m unsure where the topic of “blame” has come into the conversation.
Everyone here, as far as I know, is an adult and can make their own choices, and they need to live with those choices.
The only reasonable way I can see “blame” for a failed relationship/encounter is if someone lied. Then, yes…that person has the sole responsibility for the bad ending. Other than that, it takes two (or more, depending on what you like).
I’m not saying that people who have sexual contact with others right away are users, not at all. I think they just have a different approach than I do, and that their approach won’t (necessarily) give me what I need.
Reading back through the thread the OP stated:
“After all ... he's the Dom ... he should be in control, no?”
I think this is a huge piece of it for me. And, not just in my relatively recent foray into BDSM or any mix of those letters. It’s always been this way. For me… it’s almost as if I have the control if we have sex right away. It’s not a game, and it’s not about “winning”… it’s about who has the control. Who can control themselves the longest?
This isn’t how you feel, and that’s fine…that works for you. But not for me.
“I put myself there and so when it goes wrong I just chalk one in the Bad Category and move on.”
Seems like a good MO.
“I don't blame other people for something someone else did either.”
Agreed. However, I do learn from past experiences. It’s not blaming guy B for guy A’s actions…it’s just learning.
“If you got hurt in a relationship it is because of the choices you made not because of what someone else did”
For the most part, I agree. See the instance of lying above.
“it is because you put yourself in a position to get hurt from someone elses actions.”
Yes, but isn’t this the case when you have anything emotional invested in any person? However deeply invested you are depends on how (potentially) hurt you are. It doesn’t have to be a sexual relationship at all for someone to hurt you emotionally.
“When it comes to sex and the line "Anytime I did it quickly it always ended up bad." Sorry but I call Bullshit, it ended bad because the person you did it with was BAD for you, but you still chose them and you still made the decision to take it where it went.”
To some extent I agree. Really. I am trying to say that it wasn’t for me because I didn’t take the time to make sure that person was a good choice, wasn’t a good fit for what I wanted. I am saying that I want that time to make sure they are a good choice, and I do realize that you feel you can get to know someone that well in a short amount of time.
If you feel that, then good for you. I don’t feel that I can. Different approaches for different people, that’s all.
“Please understand I am not saying that waiting is Bad, I am saying some of the reasons people choose to wait are just Bullshit.”
I agree with you here as well. I, however, do not think that my reasons are BS. LOL
People who wait the “prerequisite” three dates so that they “know” the person…don’t necessarily know the person any better than you do with your 20 minute conversation. I see your point. I don’t feel that I can be that honest and that open with someone I only just met. It’s not being coy, or any game… it’s just me, it takes time for me to open up and feel comfortable.
“My Friend is married and he figured once you are married you get to have sex whenever you want and that is the wifes job...To give you sex when you want it.”
Please don’t take this the wrong way, but there can be any number of “I knew this person once” to illustrate any point. Each relationship is different because the people in said relationship are different.
For my example, my “I knew this person once”-- I know couples that got married and had sex and were deliriously happy…and then the sex waned and they weren’t any longer. I’m not saying that they don’t still have that emotional love for one another…but the resentment and unfulfilled need start to build up and that emotional love gets buried under all of the hurt feelings.
(I think we are both using similar instances to illustrate our differing points…so what does that mean? LOL)
“Well Demanding sex in anyway, believing that sex must be an active part of a relationship isn't fair to the other party”
I don’t like the word demanding, either. It may just be semantics, but demand all you like… you won’t necessarily get it.
I’m on the fence about this. I can completely see your point in this instance, but in my mind the question remains this: If one person in a relationship has needs that are unmet--be they sexual, emotional or any other-- then a) how healthy is the relationship and b) how long will it last and c) how much better would it have been to take the time to get to know one another and realize there is an basic incompatibility? (Sorry, I just had to add that last point in, it was too good to resist J )
“this is why people should be open about compatibility.”
100% agreed.
I think a deeper issue is about being honest with oneself, and knowing oneself. If I know what it takes to make me happy, then I can be more clear when seeking it out. Now, I realize that I don’t know everything about myself at this point in my life, but I am learning more each step of the way…and that works for me.
I can be as honest as I can about what I know…and that is my responsibility when seeking out a partner.
If someone I like (for lack of a better term) absolutely adores *insert action here* and I hate it… If I know that is a need for them, and I enter into an arrangement or relationship knowing that I will be responsible for fulfilling said need…then it is absolutely wrong for me to start a relationship knowing that I hate doing *insert same action here*, and will either not fulfill that need or resent the person making the demand.
Yes, there will be the argument that “Oh I could learn to like it” or even “What does it matter if you like it, you’re the submissive” but truly…if someone really, really hates doing something their partner loves, requires…needs….then it’s simply a foundation that is not shared. It’s my argument that people don’t change that much.
“SO or not, Sex is not a requirement”
I suppose that depends on you. I don’t know of too many relationships that are happy, and solid that don’t have a sexual connection. Perhaps you do.
For me, it's a need. Not necessarily every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday at 7 pm, but a need none the less.
“it is an act and one that both parties need to agree too.”
Absolutely.
“The Emotion of love can be there with or without sex.”
Yes.
I think the point where we disagree (and perhaps we should just agree to disagree? LOL) is that I feel love (or at least a very strong like) should be present for sex, and you do not. I feel that it takes time (not a certain amount, but some time) to get to know whether or not a person is right for you, and you do not.
And that’s fine. We just have different opinions.
**Edited for spacing issues**
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