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Manja -> Selective Submission? (2/11/2006 12:00:45 AM)
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My submissiveness has always fucked with me because it is so selective. It only relates to sex.
No, I am not the type (and they do exist) who acts all dominant in everyday life to overcompensate for feelings of submissiveness. I am not saying there is anything wrong with these people, I am just using it as a contrast. I am still trying to figure myself out.
I do not go thru life dominant, yet I easily deflect those who try to be dominant towards me in all walks of life. I am supremely confidant, and am often the lead in group activities, in a purely natural way because I am always ready to DO things. This causes many that I know to look at me as a "leader" type. They have no idea what gets me off sexually, and they would probably never believe it. What I am trying to say is that I am neither dominant or submissive in everyday life, I am always just me, and those who try to be dominant with me in business of elswhere get deflected with ease. But when it comes to sexual excitement, I become this whole other person who craves someone who knows how to be truly dominant. The fact that this desire is so selective, and so compartmentalized, has fucked with me for a long time. I guess it makes me more of a "role player" than a genuine submissive, for after the orgasm - the feeling goes away completely. I do not rebel against it any more, but I still dont get it. When I am in the mood, it is real, however. I become genuinely submissive and can endure a great many things for long periods, and I love it. It is strictly in the sexual sphere.
I understand it as an ability and desire to dip into widely disparate natures within myself. I have heard the ideas that people who are generally strong and dominating in general life have submissive streaks, sort of like the idea the Hitler, behind closed doors, liked to grovel to women. There is a story where he did this to the wife of one of his followers, and that he actually said "I want to be your slave" to her. Who knows? Either way, stories like this actually helped me a little while growing up - reconciling my own ambitious and athouritative nature with my own submissive streak. If we worship power, why not worship it in all forms? I can be the power in my daily life, yet experience the power of someone else (even if I am projecting it onto them - my own concept of power onto another human body) behind closed doors. I still see it in this way.
I just wanted to hear other opinions on it. I know I am not the only version of this.
I have been with people who try to be dominant with me, and it just doesnt work. The fact that I can so easily walk away underlines how in control I am, and destroys the illusion I seem to need for sexual release. I have been with some who are so natural with it. They do not yell, or threaten, or bombasticaly try to prove how in control they are. They are calm about it. They give me their commands in a quiet voice, and they are so confident that all my submission comes out and wants to do everything they tell me to do. This is calm power, like the eye of a hurricane, and it is real to me. I have known ecstatic heights submitting to such true dominants. Yet very few have had this magic with me. Therefore, I can only conclude, that my submissive nature is highly selective.
I know that some submissives feel it all the time. When I am not in the mood, it does not even exist to me, and I forget. When I am in the mood, it consumes me. Anyone else like this? How do you deal with it?
Manja
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