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RE: No kink? - 2/11/2006 2:48:28 PM   
TallDarkAndWitty


Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Crazytwice

Any thoughts on this? would appreciate input from both subs and doms.


Ok, I have been doing this stuff both online and offline for a few years and this is my honest opinion.

If you are relying on other people's rules to protect your safety, time, and heart, you are gonna get hurt, waste time, and cry...a lot. The good news is that, for most people, the pain is temporary, wasted time is hardly ever really wasted, and tears can make an amazing lubricant.

Once you have spent enough time realizing that those rules don't really apply to your situation, you will have figured out how to spot the dangerous, the wankers, and the players without any rules at all.

Follow your heart...until it leads you wrong...then follow something else...until it too leads you wrong. Repeat until you've figured it all out. When that happens, write a book and retire to a tropical island.

Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.


My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to Crazytwice)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: No kink? - 2/11/2006 3:26:55 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

For a submissive seeking a long-term relationship, it's been advised not to discuss sex or kink with potential doms for at least 2 weeks while communicating; say, when writing each other daily.

This seems like yet another arbitrary rule that we new subs should follow.
Any thoughts on this?
Another arbitrary rule is exactly right. I talk about whatever i feel like talking about with whomever I feel like talking about it. For example, I am turned off and feel that a man is being a little arrogant and presumptuous when in his first email he tells me what I should/could do with him or to him.
I prefer him presenting self as a man, and if I decide I'd like to know about what makes him horny (besides me ), I'll ask him.
In fact I haven't a single problem talking about sex with someone if the subject comes up in normal conversation, but I step way back when a sub/any man starts asking what I like to do sexually before he offers phone number and willingness to meet for coffee or a drink.

I definitely don't of my own volition want to serve as jerkoff material online for a man, and I imagine you don't want to serve a man that way online either (the possible reason you may have gotten that sensible advice), but if you are, who am I to tell you not to. In person, I'm more than happy to be the inspiration for it.

quote:

Follow your heart...until it leads you wrong...then follow something else...until it too leads you wrong. Repeat until you've figured it all out. When that happens, write a book and retire to a tropical island.
Taggard
I like this a lot. Now I just have to figure out what I've been following up to this point, lol. Good to see you around again Tall dark and handsome, er I mean witty. M


< Message edited by BlkTallFullfig -- 2/11/2006 3:30:33 PM >

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to Crazytwice)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: No kink? - 2/11/2006 4:23:20 PM   
Petruchio


Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

quote:

For a submissive seeking a long-term relationship, it's been advised not to discuss sex or kink with potential doms for at least 2 weeks while communicating; say, when writing each other daily.

This seems like yet another arbitrary rule that we new subs should follow.


Damn it. Someone added another notation to the Big Book of Submissives Rules and didn't give me the memo.

My thoughts.. go at the pace which feels comfortable for you.. whether that's 2 hours or 2 months. I don't know how all these finite dates keep getting pulled out of the air, but, basically, they're pretty ridiculous. Someone may be ready to jump in day one, where someone else might need a few years. Hell, if I had waited before jumping in with both feet I might have talked myself out of what has been an incredible journey and missed out on a whole lot of fun in the process. We come in here fully formed adult humans. A little common sense goes a looong way if everyone just keeps that in mind.


I agree with celeste. If you are uncertain at this time, use the 'rules' articulated here. If you have confidence and a fair helping of common sense, go with what YOU want.

(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: No kink? - 2/11/2006 4:30:59 PM   
krikket


Posts: 1183
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

Wish someone would print the dang book out so I can follow all the arbitrary rules that seem to pop up all the itme. One person says something and all of a sudden it is a "rule"....LOL


No worries Slaveless1, I have the book and it magically changes on a daily basis. I have tried to get my money back several times.
/nods

As everyone has said Crazytwice, go at your own pace, and do what is comfortable only for YOU.



and..don't forget that whole passages are written in hiroglifics...just to make sure that if "they" can't dazzle us with their brilliance they can baffle us with their bull"..lol

jimini

_____________________________

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."

by A. Nin



When your heart speaks take good notes.





(in reply to IrishMist)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: No kink? - 2/11/2006 9:37:27 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Crazytwice

For a submissive seeking a long-term relationship, it's been advised not to discuss sex or kink with potential doms for at least 2 weeks while communicating; say, when writing each other daily.

This seems like yet another arbitrary rule that we new subs should follow.

Any thoughts on this? would appreciate input from both subs and doms.

Thanks.

It's arbitrary but it has merit.

It weeds out the ones who can't even hold a decent conversation unless it gets their juices flowing.

It forces you to think of situations BEYOND the hot kinky sex to find commonalities over.

But you CAN do all those AND still talk about kink and sex with new people. Just most newbies DON'T, and then end up confused wondering why things didn't work out in the large picture when they didn't think through the large picture to begin with.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Crazytwice)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: No kink? - 2/11/2006 11:09:03 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Vancouver_cinful


quote:

ORIGINAL: fastlane
No kink, is like no creamy filling in the middle of the twinkie.....


I have to say this puts it neatly for me...I have no way of knowing if there will be any chemistry between me and a man I'm talking to unless he displays a little of his dominant side...That's what flips my trigger, that's what gets my attention...

I


See...to me...I can see some of the dominant side without talking about his (or my) kink... From where I've been, it just naturally comes through, whether we're talking about decorating (*lol*) or ...sex...

I really don't think you need to discuss sex to show that you are dominant...

(or argue, or be 'macho' or any of the other obvious stuff)

(in reply to Vancouver_cinful)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: No kink? - 2/11/2006 11:27:58 PM   
Crazytwice


Posts: 145
Joined: 11/28/2005
From: North of Boston
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

Ok, I have been doing this stuff both online and offline for a few years and this is my honest opinion.

If you are relying on other people's rules to protect your safety, time, and heart, you are gonna get hurt, waste time, and cry...a lot. The good news is that, for most people, the pain is temporary, wasted time is hardly ever really wasted, and tears can make an amazing lubricant.

Once you have spent enough time realizing that those rules don't really apply to your situation, you will have figured out how to spot the dangerous, the wankers, and the players without any rules at all.

Follow your heart...until it leads you wrong...then follow something else...until it too leads you wrong. Repeat until you've figured it all out. When that happens, write a book and retire to a tropical island.

Taggard


Thank you, Taggard.


_____________________________

"If you build it, he will come"
~Field of Dreams~

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: No kink? - 2/11/2006 11:30:46 PM   
Crazytwice


Posts: 145
Joined: 11/28/2005
From: North of Boston
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

But you CAN do all those AND still talk about kink and sex with new people. Just most newbies DON'T, and then end up confused wondering why things didn't work out in the large picture when they didn't think through the large picture to begin with.


What can I say, you nailed it right there.

_____________________________

"If you build it, he will come"
~Field of Dreams~

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: No kink? - 2/12/2006 7:17:35 AM   
sweetnessforsir


Posts: 70
Joined: 1/5/2006
Status: offline 		still, it is nice to know there is a basis for non kink conversations. a getting to know each other a bit. how will the D/s dynamic work if we have only talked about kink.

if the first email or note i get is focused graphically on what someone would like to do to me, i tend to not respond. if, as LA and others have suggested, it is part of an overall conversation then it becomes fun and flirty.

oh, about the rule book, tear out any pages that don't work. otherwise it gets a bit unwieldy.

(in reply to Crazytwice)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: No kink? - 2/12/2006 9:45:23 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DelRey

I thought we were adults here. Talk about sex and or anything else you want without applying any adolescent waiting period.

If it is appropriate where the timing and mood is right, what is the problem ?

Don't we live by enough rules ?



And what about your rule that the person you are talking to has to meet you face to face within two weeks? What about "appropriate" timing and "mood is right" with this rule?


Crazytwice... as other's have said, follow your instinct. Don't impose arbitrary time measures to relationship dynamics. Do what is right for you at the time you feel most comfortable.


Knight's kyra


_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to DelRey)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: No kink? - 2/12/2006 9:46:23 AM   
tendergirl


Posts: 103
Joined: 11/25/2005
Status: offline 		The first day i came onto collarme, I was bombarded by "Doms" who wanted me to take my clothes off and turn my webcam on. I was a bit stupid and let some chat (not cam) go a bit far in those first few days. But I soon sorted myself out quickly. I realised that during this phase of just getting to know people, I was in control of myself and my own needs. Once equilibrium was restored, i could see the wheat from the chafe.

After a week or so, it all got a bit monotonous, same "Doms", online, telling me what a stupid subbie player I was because I would not entertain them online.

Anyway by the second week or so, after paying close attention to the advice I received on collarme and spending time in the chatroom getting to know people who know more than me, I started looking through profiles and found a real Dom, someone who matched me perfectly.

I contacted him and we have been together as sub and Dom from 14th December 2005 and in vanilla since 20th December. We scened our first date, (my choice), He never even asked. He allowed it and gave me the experience of a lifetime. So, whether it was too soon or not, it felt right. We met and had a pub lunch and it felt good and I really liked Him as well as wanting to be submissive to Him.

So the rest is history. We are together 3 days (and nights) of each week as we live 300 miles apart and can only do weekends. We plan to move in together in June.

This is the vanilla man I have been seeking all my life and it turns out that I am lucky enough that He happens to be a Dom.

Our BDSM life is phenomenal and extraordinary and will continue forever, but we feel in love within seconds of knowing each other.

You have to decide when is soon too soon. If it feels good, go with it. Just be careful.

tendergirl's motto is "just do it".

(in reply to Vancouver_cinful)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: No kink? - 2/12/2006 9:50:46 AM   
tendergirl


Posts: 103
Joined: 11/25/2005
Status: offline 		Just for clarity, we talked about our "kink" during the first minute. If His kink had not matched mine, there was no point in speaking for a second minute. I came onto collarme to find a Dom, the only way I could know if I wanted Him to Dom me was to know what He wanted from a submissive.

The kink talk was imperative but we did not DO anything online, just discussed what we liked. We did however spend time on the telephone, He talked me through some things that sent me flying. We still have those chats even now and I love them.

Hope this helps. Just remember, you are in control until you accept a Dom.


love from tendergirl

(in reply to tendergirl)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: No kink? - 2/12/2006 5:49:29 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline 		True, I can see some dominant characteristics in people too, even myself, but it doesn't tell me if they are dominant in a sexual way...so I enjoy that kind of flirtation.

Cin

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx


quote:

ORIGINAL: Vancouver_cinful


quote:

ORIGINAL: fastlane
No kink, is like no creamy filling in the middle of the twinkie.....


I have to say this puts it neatly for me...I have no way of knowing if there will be any chemistry between me and a man I'm talking to unless he displays a little of his dominant side...That's what flips my trigger, that's what gets my attention...

I


See...to me...I can see some of the dominant side without talking about his (or my) kink... From where I've been, it just naturally comes through, whether we're talking about decorating (*lol*) or ...sex...

I really don't think you need to discuss sex to show that you are dominant...

(or argue, or be 'macho' or any of the other obvious stuff)




_____________________________

Cin

quote:


My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: No kink? - 2/13/2006 12:41:19 PM   
Quisto


Posts: 1
Joined: 2/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Crazytwice
Just when I thought i had a good grasp on what approach would work best for me, . . .
CT


I'm sure your grasp works as well as most people's. Go with it.

(in reply to Crazytwice)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: No kink? - 2/15/2006 11:40:27 PM   
Petruchio


Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline
quote:

oh, about the rule book, tear out any pages that don't work. otherwise it gets a bit unwieldy.


(chuckle)

quote:

if the first email or note i get is focused graphically on what someone would like to do to me, i tend to not respond.


That must be why I'm so damned good: My grahpic photos are completely unfocused! Or is it my attitude that's unfocused? I forget.


(in reply to sweetnessforsir)
Profile   Post #: 35
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