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beautifuldoglove -> at a loss (2/11/2006 1:21:28 AM)
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i'm at a total loss and need some kind of advise of what i should do. i recently became involved in a Dom/sub relationship...i being the sub of course. my Dom, while He is absolutely wonderful, i feel is having problems with me. problems i have no idea how to solve.
the story: i was recently divorced from an extremely mentally, emotionally and physcially abusive man. my Dom knows this and has been both supportive and patient with me. recently, however i have had a lot of drama in my life...such as having to have surgery and having a 7 1/2 pound tumor removed on week one...basically a c-section performed only without having a baby to come how with...and some family drama five days later, as well as suspitions of my ex-hubby coming around the week after that (my brother saw him near where i live...which consequently is 100 miles 1 way from where my ex lives and on this weekend that my brother sawmy ex, a car pulled behind my home and sat...not too unusual but my parents home is the last house on a dead end road and my uncle and a couple people in his rental house the only other people living on the road...too much of a coincidence for me when my ex has threatened to kill me... the reason i live with my parents) golly that was long...lol. see what i mean about drama...
after the family incident i decided that it is imparative that i move. my Dom was, until last weekend, wanting me to move in with Him in the near future. i am thinking of purchasing a home since i have 3 large dogs that hate my ex...which is why i have kept them. i asked my Dom for advise on whether to purchase a home and He could come here and live with me (which He had already brought up two or three times i would have never brought it up if He hadn't already mentioned it.) when He was ready or whether i should wait for Him to send for me. i see it as pointless to purchase a home if i'm going to be moving in a matter of months, i asked for ADVISE from Him on this matter. i think my mistake was when i told Him one of the options that i saw...basically laying out a plan for our future. at NO time did i ever imply that this my way was the only way. all i wanted from Him was communication from Him as to what He thought was best for our future together.
i didn't hear from Him for a week no communication on anything that i had asked Him. then i was my messenger a week later and He came online and posted a nasty note to me as the avatar. i told Him i loved Him and left....i didn't know what to do.
so He called me.
He proceeded to tell me i was using these circumstances to manipulate Him into moving down here with me. i was astonished and hurt that He would think such a thing of me... i got the impression that He thought i was lying to Him...which hurt me too. He told me to back the f**k off. he told me He still loved me and He liked talking to me and He would call me back. He is wanting me to talk to a sub friend of His that He really respects.
that was a week ago, i've not heard from Him since and i have not had any personal communication with Him... i have sent Him only three forwarded e-mails in mass mailings to several of my friends and family was this wrong. i also sent Him a card via the postal service for Valentine's Day that i purchased for Him almost a month ago. honestly i didn't want it around if we are through to remind me of Him.
i have seen Him online and the avatar is still the same...i usually leave when i see it because it hurts me and He knows it. i will not talk to Him while He has that avatar up...i have asked Him twice not to use that kind of language with me and i've explained to Him that it is because of the abuse of my ex...is that wrong of me?
i don't know what i've done wrong...i asked for communication from Him and He didn't give it to me. i feel awful because it actually makes me angry. He is online at least half of His waking time and He couldn't communicate some sort of His wishes to me by e-mail, instant message, or phone before this became an incident (consequently i only included my plans in one e-mail after the initial request for advice).
i didn't cause the drama...it was lack of communication and i did lots of that...probably too much of it for which i do regret...but i can't take that back now. but looking back there is a patter of non-communication in our relationship and He would say He was going to call me or call me back and He wouldn't do it. this hurt my trust in Him...when He would say that i would know inside that He wasn't going to...was i wrong to feel that way? even worse i would make excuses for Him.
when we did talk i felt a connection with Him like i've had with no other and He was kind, caring, compassionate, understanding and patient...unless He was angry with me for some reason which i usually never saw coming then He would lash out at me not caring if He hurt me. should i stand up for myself to Him because i can't see myself being pushed over like this very often. should i wait until He has calmed down, then discuss it with Him? should i attempt to contact Him any more, or just let the whole thing go? should i leave signs and doors open for Him or should i just avoid Him and let Him come find me?
i have no idea what course of action...if any...to take at this point. any and all advice is greatly appreciated. i'm sorry this is so long and i also apologize for anything in the letter that was written inappropriately i'm new to this and being a professional writer haven't quite got the hang of Dom/sub writing...some of it does conflict with so called proper grammar, but i guess that depends on who your talking too, right...lol
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